Seeking a courtly companion

Submitted by pverde9901 on
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On Saturday I'm going to get the opportunity to have sex with someone other than my husband. I'm low right now because when we were out walking the discussion came around to his wife and that they have a good marriage except for the sex part and politics. I'm not getting much sex or nuturing at home is how I got hooked up with this man and he just wants to offer sex. I'm taking it because I need the attention and to feel wanted. Before our walk & talk we were flirting on email and it was fun. Talk about up and down ugh.

I need to shake it, I can't afford the downs. What do I do?

Welcome,

You haven't really told us much about your circumstance or why you are here, so it would help to have more background. From what you said it sounds like you're feeling lonely and discouraged and needing some care and attention. However, I really don't think that what you're planning to do is likely to meet those needs in the long term, and could also cause some really unfortunate consequences. If you're wanting to refuse sex with this other guy, the best idea is to cut off contact with him, because otherwise the temptation will just keep coming up, particularly if he's urging you to do it.

reply to Amari

Thank you for the welcome. Sometimes it's hard for me to put my feelings into words, thank you for prompting me. Since Sept 08 I've been focused on my physical health and have lost a significant amt of weight. My husband and I are not bonded anymore. Too many years of me being crazy fat and us both using food for happiness and little to no sex or anything close to a nuturing relationship. With the weight loss I started feeling better and in April, I started an affair with a good friend that was also my workout partner. With the weight coming off I wanted sex like crazy or so I thought. He was married too so the sex was infrequent at best. In May, he was convicted by God about this sin and we stopped our intimate relationship. I was considering killing myself a day or two later. In June, I started another relationship just for sex with another married man this time in my office. In June I also started getting acupuncture treatments to help handle the increased libido. I can get sex from my husband now but there is still no nurturing and I'm still not down to my goal weight so there is probably some decreased interest from my husband still. This office fling is fun most days but then some days it's a killer. I'm not sure whatelse to say.

Well, pverde

I don't think I can tell you anything your common sense won't already tell you, but at least I'll back it up. If all you really wanted was sex, you would be happy when you got it, and you wouldn't be here in the first place. But if you need nurturing, you're not going to get it in a consistent way from an affair partner...at least it's extremely unlikely. If you and your husband want to work things out then we can point you toward resources that may be helpful to you. If you don't want to fix things with him though, and this is a sincere question, why are you still married?

I like him and I'd like to

I like him and I'd like to be happy when we had sex. I'd like to not want more than that. I don't want to be a needy woman, oh and I'd like to be emotionally stable. Now I'm making myself chuckle.

I guess I'm still married because of the good things about our relationship. I am invisible to him most days so I have more freedom than most married women maybe.

Marnia, whose site this is,

Marnia, whose site this is, will have her own advice for you no doubt, so I'll just give you my own...

If you're thinking about marital counseling, I wouldn't go to just anyone, because misguided therapists can make the problem worse. Emotionally-focused couples therapy is probably the only method that actually shows good results under research conditions. If you want to find a counselor that uses this method, you can look here: http://iceeft.com/findtherapist.php. I promise I am not advertising this under their payroll or anything.

Finally, if you're saying things like, "I am invisible to him" then I would tend to think you're wanting better communication. I can recommend the Center for Nonviolent Communication- you can find trainings led by them here: http://www.cnvc.org/es/find-training/find .

It was I

who suggested the forum, as I wanted pverde to have the benefit of others' perspectives, too. She and I have already had a private exchange.

Everything's a learning experience.

Questions

Hi, Pverde. You say you want to stay with your husband, so can you tell me more about why you like him? (And love him.)

Some things you said make me think you just don't love him anymore. You say you're not bonded and there's no nurturing, that you're invisible.

I think you need to ask yourself what you really want. Either fix the marriage or get out. Either way, stop having affairs. If you fix it, you'll be glad you did, and if you get out, then go out and have sex with available guys, have fun, and enjoy the search for Mr. Right. It's scary, I know, but it's worth it. Love yourself, and you can bounce back from anything.

Thank you Tantra. I heard

Thank you Tantra. I heard myself tell my training partner (who is on a hard core mission to save my soul from this sin) yesterday that as soon as I can find a way to love myself and find my value that I thought I could change my ways. So another thing I'm somehow looking for is someone to make me feel like I'm worth having maybe? Wow how things reveal themselves. So that's another predicament. I'm not even sure where to start. I ordered Marnia's book so hopefully it will be here in a few days. I just started my period so I'm hoping that gives me an out for Saturday. I'm scared to reject this guy at work because what little I get from him is still more than I have. I feel like an empty shell. I am willing to work on my marriage and I would like to love and cherish him again and have started trying to do some of the bonding behaviors w/o telling him (thanks to Marnia for that advice) cause we stink at communicating. I still joke that I could walk thru the living room naked, eating hagendaz and he wouldn't notice. We've become very used to living separate lives together. We're friends. We're compatible and like to do alot of the same things. Maybe if I could get partially filled up I would have the courage to break it off with the guy at work. Maybe that fill up will come. This environment with all you guys is freeing and I'm so thankful for that.

Good luck

It's always hard to start over...and yet it can be done if both partners are willing. Have you read the excerpts from this book? http://www.reuniting.info/sex_perfection_and_marital_happiness_von_urban He was a shrink who helped a lot of estranged couples to heal their marriages.

The strange thing about casual sex is that we so often rationalize it as "half a loaf is better than none." But in fact "half a loaf" can leave us emptier than ever for a while. Counterintuitive...but nevertheless often the reality.

You might start just telling yourself, "I love and approve of myself." Use the mirror, and do it often. Feels weird at first, but it will trickle down to your subconscious if you keep it up.

Self-esteem

I think the bonding behaviors with your husband will help a lot over time. If so, what a victory that will be, and that'll help fill up the self-love too.

I've been working on this stuff too, and I was confused about self-esteem for a long time. Do I have it? Don't I? How does it work? My friend explained it to me one time in a way that really stuck. He said self-esteem is like water in a cup. If it's full, you have high self-esteem. If it's low, you have low self-esteem. Often, we'll have a leaky cup. If so, you have to do two things. Plug the leaks and add more water. So the mirror affirmation (I do it!) is about filling the cup. Same with setting both long and short term goals and succeeding at them. Celebrate each victory, no matter how small. That helps a lot, and for me, I've found it doesn't have to be a big production. Even if I just do a few seconds of a happy dance or something, it sends a clear message to my subconscious that I'm worthy and valuable.

As for plugging the leaks, maybe this stuff will help that too. I also look back into my past or at my psychological patterns to see what might be causing the leaks. Sometimes just figuring out why is enough to plug a leak. Other times, it's just the start of a long journey.

Seeking a courtly companion

Hello there: I have been struggling with a porn addiction for over 15 years, but not until 5 years ago did I start looking into ways of overcoming it.

I have recently moved out of a marriage of 7 years leaving an angry wife and 2 little girls behind. The atmosphere in my household had become so full of anger that I knew I had to leave and only then I would be able to do some thing serious about my recovery.

Here I am now a little relieved that there is peace and quite around me, but fully aware that if I don't use this opportunity and don't get the right kind of help I might end up a bitter and lonely old man in the long run. I am approaching 40 years and I have high spritual aspirations, but this nasty habit is in the way. My self esteem is low, I am anxious and restless and so deep into the grips of this habit that light at the end of the tunnel is barely visable ( I can see some light though)

I have recently read about the drug Naltrexone being used to treat porn addiction and I have set up with a psychiatrist to se if he would prescribe me that.

It would be nice if I could connect with a woman who I could communicate with without her getting angry and defensive.

I KNOW THE ROAD WINDS UPHILL ALL THE WAY TO THE END and I don't know what lies at the summit, but so many have said its nice to arrive there, lets see.

Welcome!

Courtly companions are rare birds, so it could be a while before I am able to match you with one. Meanwhile, I've enabled you to blog. Feel free to pour out your thoughts. We'll all listen...and you may even get some helpful replies. Wink

Sorry to hear you've been suffering from this little trick of evolution. Your brain simply wasn't designed for today's level of stimulation. You can find your way back to balance, but abstinance for a couple of months is especially helpful while you're recalibrating.

*a big hug*