Those first two weeks...

Submitted by theashgrove on
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So my partner and I are new to this whole thing. We regularly have had sex every day to every other day for a few years and we've been trying this for a month, but it's been incredibly difficult. We tend to give in or have unintentional orgasms in sleep after a week, so we've never been off the dopamine cycle and we've been at this for a month an a half. We're getting discouraged. Cuddling is part of our normal routine - we set time aside for it, always have, so that's been a major bonding behavior. Still, instead of creating harmony, since we're still on the roller coaster, not orgasming is creating far more drama than we've had in years.
We have definitely had more energy when we're off orgasms, but it's this weird, bottled-up energy. And when I orgasm, I get really depressed afterward, which is really no good - so I see some potential in this way of doing things, if only we can get there!
We're young (23-24), and wondering if this is why it's so difficult, and if you have any tips for getting through this so we can actually see for ourselves how this system works, because it's been nothing but frustrating...
Thanks for advice =).

Sorry you're having troubles

I admire your persistence! Have you tried just connecting and lying still once or twice a day? Sounds weird I know, but it might let you "reboot" more easily.

Glad you're doing daily bonding behaviors. Even if it turns out that it's not the right time to change your orgasm habits, that single habit will do much to guard the harmony in your relationship.


It's nice to hear about new people trying this different style of intimate relations and lovemaking. Sorry you're having difficulties.

How did you find out about this stuff? What motivated you to try it? Are you doing the Exchanges in Marnia's book?

My guess is that if you've been having orgasms every day or two for a few years, then it will take your brains some time to get used to not having them. So, maybe avoid intercourse completely for a while (as the Exchanges suggest). Just enjoy the bonding behaviors as such, not as a sort of foreplay where you get each other heated up.

Or, alternatively, as Marnia suggested, try "connecting" (daily, perhaps) and just lying still together - avoid getting strongly aroused. I think what is causing that "weird, bottled-up energy" is getting too aroused.

I find Neil's posts very inspirational. Maybe you would too. For example

Good luck! Please let us know how it goes.

Thanks for the welcome

Thanks for the welcome =).
My partner found out about this all from the Huffington Post - and like most couples, we love each other but more harmony wouldn't hurt. We've also always noticed that sex hasn't necessarily been positive afterwards, and when we had more intimate sex it had better effects. But clearly just repressing sexual urges is not the best way to go - transcend AND include, as our favorite philosopher, Ken Wilber, says time and again. So, this idea of taking the good from sex without the bad after effects SOUNDS good. I wish it weren't so difficult to stick to - but we've gone a week, again, hopefully we make it out of the rough part this time. Hot yoga helps...
Thanks for the link, it's interesting!