porn usage

Submitted by adora on
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I have been with my husband for 6 years, married for 2. Whilst we sarted off with a healthy sex life it has over the years dwindled. after the first year together I discovered he had been using porn, when I confronted him he denied it strongly & made excuses for the search history. I have since found on regular occassion he uses porn has signed up to adult dating sites & even paid to watch live web cams. I have made him aware of how this upsets me, we had a long chat about a year ago & he promised he would stop. He has since got an Iphone and again I found porn usage on there. I don't know how to bring this up any more as it never seems to change, we only seem to have sex on the weekends after he has had a few drinks. He is loving in other ways, cuddles me every night kisses me every morning before work always tells me he loves me & I'm beautiful, so therefore I am so confused if he means all of this then why does he feel the need to get off on porn when I'm not around but not cease opportunities when I'm right there dying for attention? Can aybody advise how I should deal with this or give me any insight as to why this is happening?

Two Issues Need to be Separated

Hi Adora,

If I hear you right, porn disgusts you. The fact that your husband uses it hurts you deeply. You might also see it as an insult. Why would he turn to porn if he has you? You might even be questioning whether there is something wrong with you. Nobody could blame you for being angry.

What I would urge you to do is separate the porn use from your relationship with your husband. Address them as two separate issues.

It is quite possible that his porn use goes back to long before he met you. From your description, it sounds like he is ashamed by it. It also sounds to me that he might find it impossible to talk to you about it because he knows how angry you are about it. It might also be possible that he thought he could stop using porn when he met you, but then discovered that he couldn't. He was already hooked.

Please please please read this web site. Read the accounts of the guys trying to get porn out of their lives. Then find some way to get your husband to sign up. It might be better if he didn't know you had signed up, so he is free to tell all and seek advice. Could you buy Marnia's book and leave it on a table? Others might have better suggestions.

From your description, it sounds to me as though he loves you. He is doing his best to show you his love, despite this addiction. (By the way, before joining this web site, I would have scoffed at the idea that porn is addictive. I now understand the issue much better. Porn is addictive in the same sense that cigarettes and recreational drugs are addictive - different trigger, same brain chemistry.) Try to love the man and be patient with the addiction. He needs intimacy from you, lots of hugs, smiles, eye contact. If he is depleting himself with porn, he may be having performance anxiety with you (hence the drinking). I don't have a lot more to offer you here, but others will. Keep posting questions to this site. There is a lot of healthy discussion here and your viewpoint as someone helping her husband quit will be most welcome.



Well said, Poet

Actually, I think the man's perspective is more helpful for a woman to hear. Adora, I would recommend you have a look at this chapter, so you understand the problem better:

His brain has played a trick on him, and it will take time to return to equilibrium...if he's willing. He's probably as puzzled as you are about why he "can't just quit."

Welcome to the forum. Feel free to blog if you like.

I can not help with the relationship part but

I do understand the not being able to quit part. this addiction sinks in deep and it is strong. as Marnia says we are programmed for this addiction basically. that does not mean we have to give in its just why it is so hard to quit. I will admit to viewing today yes today even after visiting this sight talking about it. I am so messed up by this that when the urges and cravings hit I just do not care that is the feeling it just comes over you and bam you are there. some times you do not know how you got there sometimes it builds slowly and others there are triggers. Like right now I could just do a couple of clicks and be there. The bad part is no matter how much I might hate it before and after there is no real dislike while actually viewing/using it you like it you need it while you are viewing yes it is that strong.

I am just giving my perspective. that is what I go through and deal with. If he goes through the same thing you can see it is hard. I do not believe it is you I am fairly certain it is not you. It is just so very addictive. it is not illegal and it is easy to get so your mind can justify it even more.

I hope I helped in some way.


I´m starting here, so I posted my messege at "Being a man". Maybe the choice of the topic wasn´t the best, but I have similar problemas to yours.