Until the number of Days become Irrelevant

Submitted by Fisherman on
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So I'm technically writing this on Day 47 since my last Orgasm in September. Before that, I went a little over 100 days. I started this journey seriously in March of this year, when I finally began reading literature from some Western sources trying to distill Taoist thought on sex to peons like myself. The desire to read the material came from a nagging in head concerning my vitality one day. I'm a martial artist -- have been most my life -- and I've never really stopped practicing, even during my lowest points in life. It's been the one constant in my life. Naturally, notions of qi, and subsequently Taoist thought and practice, became a reading interest. When I heard that Taoists had particular thoughts on sex practice, I became very interested.

Porn and masturbation has been like breathing to me. I did it all the time. Even now, I think about doing it. I still have my favorite, and most recent porn viewings replaying in small pieces, in my head. My frequency of use increased dramatically during my 20's. I didn't even notice at first. But right when I started working full-time, and the stresses increased even more, I finally reached a point where I was literally having trouble orgasming. I could look at porn for hours and literally feel like I couldn't finish. I felt tired. I found myself changing my behaviors when going through the ritual.

For about 12 years, I always masturbated dry. Now, I was suddenly interested in finding the best lubricant when having fun. This was solely because it wasn't stimulating enough anymore. But I didn't actually register that. I just did what I had to do to have my peace. Still, a nagging thought in my brain kept firing up. I would feel tired, or overwhelmed. I noticed that I'd go at it six times in one night the night before having to return to work. I'd wait a week to "recharge my batteries". I finally decided to figure out how to optimize things for myself.

The Taoist texts noted how sex was actually connected to my health and vitality. This relieved me in one sense because intuitively I felt this way. Of course, on the Internet, if you type in statements like "The dangers of Masturbation" you get treatises on why the hairy-palms theory was bogus, and entire websites, with videos, dedicated to making masturbation feel better. Why would I need technique when it always felt fine as a child? This question was never broached.

I started reading about "tantric" sex practices, and conserving Jing, and a great deal of it made sense. While they didn't explain why orgasm was necessarily bad, or how it truly affected the mind and body, they did at least hit on the point that the body wasn't meant to be a constant self-pleasure machine. Nearly all of the texts vehemently decried masturbation, saying it was utterly destructive. This was something that our modern culture never says, beyond the mockery of 1950's bogus advertisement. I decided that I should probably stop, but kept going. The pull was too strong, and I never understood why.

Then I found this site. I was intrigued, because it came up during my search for more of the ancient wisdom on sex and it's connection to our being, but I was shocked when it completely put orgasm down. I thought it too radical. "This woman is nuts!" I couldn't handle the apparent truth in the matter. Every other website I read promised that if I conserved myself, I could have mind-blowing orgasms and all the pleasure I wanted. If only I'd learn the 13 secret techniques and exercises. Yes, indeed, the key to life and relationship harmony was by giving my potential spouse/girlfriend a real good slamming.

Subconsciously, two things were going on. On the one hand, this fed into my addiction and need. I loved the idea of giving women orgasms, and then having a great one myself. That was my only model for sex in the first place. On the other, the whole idea was patently absurd. If great, mind-blowing orgasmic sex was the key to relationship stability, why did EVERY story ever written about someone's wild and crazy sex life end on a depressing low note? Married couples frequently gain weight, lose attractiveness, and stop touching each other. Hollywood actors separate from each other frequently, and they are the fantasies of millions of other peoples' private thoughts. Men are touted for their legendary endowments, or love-making abilities, and yet they never keep a girl for more than a few years, their loyalties to them based solely on the desire to have their sexual needs fulfilled when the time comes. And on top of all of that, men and women were frequently and secretly viewing or reading porn on the side. I even found my most recent ex-girlfriend porn stash on her computer one day. It intrigued me, but didn't surprise me, that the women liked the lemon-stories. I liked the videos, naturally. All of that love and passion, and yet we were still connected to our porn like our underwear.

So, after reading Cupid's Poisoned Arrow, I finally decided to take the plunge. If this notion about orgasm not being what it was cracked up to be was bunk,then I'd find out rather quickly. And quickly I did. I took a whole summer off from masturbating. I started in May, and made it to September. It was terrible. The ordeal was patently nuts. I told no one that I was even doing it. Not my parents. No friends. No one. It was my private experiment.

It was the best thing I ever tried.

I felt great. I finally decided to embrace the feeling of my libido instead of constantly ejecting it. I didn't ignore it. I just decided to let it stick around. It bothered me intensely for the first 8 weeks...and then it was like any other ache, pain, or sense phenomenon. It was me, and I wasn't going to get rid of it. Granted there were several other things that helped me.

1.) I didn't stay home very often. I did martial arts during most of my free time. I'm a teacher, so my summers are off. Instead of just sitting around, I made sure that martial arts became my job. In May, I found work to be a great help in curbing my masturbation habits because I was too busy to just sit in front of the computer, and tired enough when I got home to ignore the urge. Over the summer, I made sure I was doing something to keep away from my usual triggers.

2.) Physical exercise helped relieved the tension.

3.) I read books. I've read about 7 novels in just a few months. 5 of them were 800 pages plus. Usually, I'd get 30 pages in... stop, and then let the virtual babes fulfill my needs. Now, I had a more attentive mind.

I ended up relapsing into porn, and finally orgasmed again in September, but I just laughed a bit, got back on the horse, and thus far have given up the porn too. As hard as it is to break a habit, the benefits have far outweighed any of the emotional trials I've had to go through. I don't feel "backed up" or clogged. I don't sit there foaming at the mouth, and I truly enjoy having my vitality constantly roiling. It's been months since I've felt depleted or worried that I might need to take a week off just to feel alive again, or even interested in sex.

This is great. I'm truly thankful for this site and how things have been going in my life since I've started. I'll post again some time. Shorter posts. I just felt like I needed to get all of this out.


Thanks Fisherman

Sometimes I feel an embarassing amount of love for the courageous warriors on this site. Blush It takes so much courage to make the experiment you have and assess the result objectively. Yes, I did the same thing...even though I, too, wondered if the men who wrote the book I first read on this subject ("Taoist Secrets of Love: Cultivating Male Sexual Energy") were nuts! Of course it was easier back then (about 20 years ago) because the porn culture hadn't completely flooded the mainstream with its "wisdom" about the heathiness of the "no such thing as too much orgasm" strategy. So it was a bit easier to keep an open mind.

Anyway, that's why I really admire you and men like you. You have to dig your way out from under so much crap in the form of "iron-clad," but bogus, assumptions to even begin to observe yourselves clearly. And it's SO easy to rationalize drifting back to your old habits. That's tough duty.

Maybe being a teacher helps. Gary's a teacher, too. He wasn't threatened by wrapping his mind around a new possibility...and he wasn't likely to stick with something he found to be worthless either. He could think for himself.

Anyhow, guess we owe the Taoists a big "Thank You!" If it weren't for some of this ancient lore, surely NONE of us would ever have bothered to discover the connection between careful management of sex and well-being. Certainly I, Miss Passion, never would have! I sometimes wonder how the hell I got this "job," as I seemed the least likely candidate for it. *chuckle* I hate rules. I love passion. I love pleasing men. So why did I get the job of explaining why "less is more" while cast as the "Anti-orgasm Lady?" Rotten karma, that.

Like you, as soon as I read about the ideas I knew at some very deep level that there was something to them. I had no hangups about sex, but I could see I definitely wasn't getting the results promised by the mainstream, and here, at last, was an explanation. Who knows? Maybe some of us are reincarnated Taoists or something.

Now...just one question. Why isn't there a three-dimensional goddess in this story yet??? Wink

PS If you think it will help others, please consider posting a reveiw of Cupid on Amazon. I think there's a way to do it anonymously. And, in any case, thanks again for posting here. And most of all...thanks for being your courageous self.

I agree with Marnia, it's

I agree with Marnia, it's very satisfying to read an account like yours and realize there are still REAL men out there. I hate to even use the phrase, it sounds demeaning, but really now: I mean in this case the capacity for self-respect. I think of porn now and its effects on men in a similar way to how I view women who have been on the birth control pill since they first became sexually active: they don't have a baseline experience of their sexuality to even make a comparison of how they feel differently on the drugs. It's like a whole generation of people who will not complain about the poor taste of genetically modified foods, because they don't know what real food tastes like.

In any case, we live in a strange age, and its not a simple matter to keep one's wits about oneself on most levels: whether its sex or food, these seemingly basic realms have been so distorted and we have become so disconnected from their true source, that we have begun to lose the sense of our own true source.

Really, good for you for your experiment. I am interested to see how it progresses, or if you will just be another interesting and intelligent guy who will sink back into the woodwork.

I know this whole experiment on my end has been quite a strange ride, as I've tried to grapple with and integrate Marnia's ideas into my life and sexuality over the past few years, with a whole wide range of results.

One thing I will say: abstaining from orgasm is not enough or even what this site is about. All that will do to you is make you sexually frusterated, eventually (as it did me - unless your true essence is that of an asexual ascetic, which I somehow doubt).

I guess what it all boils down to for me is this: humans need warmth, affection, delight, skin to skin contact, nonsense sound-making, generosity, and a variety of physical ways to express themselves to one another or they will go crazy.

Please unpack "Real"

Hi Hotspring,

This isn't a criticism. I agree with your post. Still, could you unpack the word "real" when applied to both men and women?

Sometimes I wonder whether there's an archetype in the opposite sex that we admire and fantasize about, but would never marry.


Maybe real isn't the right

Real is not a very descriptive word. Maybe "a healthy man" is what I was meaning to say.

It's interesting, because in Buddhism the five poisons can be transformed by realizing that they are just a distorted quality of a virtue. So - the healthy manifestation of desire is "discernment." Since men are so desirous, I guess what I'm trying to say is that a man who has the strength to embody healthy masculine qualities is one who can be full of desire and yet still be discerning about where he wants to direct and embody and transform that desirous energy.

To not avoid desire, to not supress desire, to not always indulge desire, but to understand and use the power of desire to live a fulfilling life. This is the path of Tantra. I was just trying to celebrate fisherman's ability to discern that he wanted to do something else with his sexual energy, and he acted on his discernment.

Not You!

The redundency is mine...seems all I can say is how I admire your intelligence and integrity. I appreciate the time and effort you put in to gain clarity.