So I'm technically writing this on Day 47 since my last Orgasm in September. Before that, I went a little over 100 days. I started this journey seriously in March of this year, when I finally began reading literature from some Western sources trying to distill Taoist thought on sex to peons like myself. The desire to read the material came from a nagging in head concerning my vitality one day. I'm a martial artist -- have been most my life -- and I've never really stopped practicing, even during my lowest points in life. It's been the one constant in my life. Naturally, notions of qi, and subsequently Taoist thought and practice, became a reading interest. When I heard that Taoists had particular thoughts on sex practice, I became very interested.
Porn and masturbation has been like breathing to me. I did it all the time. Even now, I think about doing it. I still have my favorite, and most recent porn viewings replaying in small pieces, in my head. My frequency of use increased dramatically during my 20's. I didn't even notice at first. But right when I started working full-time, and the stresses increased even more, I finally reached a point where I was literally having trouble orgasming. I could look at porn for hours and literally feel like I couldn't finish. I felt tired. I found myself changing my behaviors when going through the ritual.
For about 12 years, I always masturbated dry. Now, I was suddenly interested in finding the best lubricant when having fun. This was solely because it wasn't stimulating enough anymore. But I didn't actually register that. I just did what I had to do to have my peace. Still, a nagging thought in my brain kept firing up. I would feel tired, or overwhelmed. I noticed that I'd go at it six times in one night the night before having to return to work. I'd wait a week to "recharge my batteries". I finally decided to figure out how to optimize things for myself.
The Taoist texts noted how sex was actually connected to my health and vitality. This relieved me in one sense because intuitively I felt this way. Of course, on the Internet, if you type in statements like "The dangers of Masturbation" you get treatises on why the hairy-palms theory was bogus, and entire websites, with videos, dedicated to making masturbation feel better. Why would I need technique when it always felt fine as a child? This question was never broached.
I started reading about "tantric" sex practices, and conserving Jing, and a great deal of it made sense. While they didn't explain why orgasm was necessarily bad, or how it truly affected the mind and body, they did at least hit on the point that the body wasn't meant to be a constant self-pleasure machine. Nearly all of the texts vehemently decried masturbation, saying it was utterly destructive. This was something that our modern culture never says, beyond the mockery of 1950's bogus advertisement. I decided that I should probably stop, but kept going. The pull was too strong, and I never understood why.
Then I found this site. I was intrigued, because it came up during my search for more of the ancient wisdom on sex and it's connection to our being, but I was shocked when it completely put orgasm down. I thought it too radical. "This woman is nuts!" I couldn't handle the apparent truth in the matter. Every other website I read promised that if I conserved myself, I could have mind-blowing orgasms and all the pleasure I wanted. If only I'd learn the 13 secret techniques and exercises. Yes, indeed, the key to life and relationship harmony was by giving my potential spouse/girlfriend a real good slamming.
Subconsciously, two things were going on. On the one hand, this fed into my addiction and need. I loved the idea of giving women orgasms, and then having a great one myself. That was my only model for sex in the first place. On the other, the whole idea was patently absurd. If great, mind-blowing orgasmic sex was the key to relationship stability, why did EVERY story ever written about someone's wild and crazy sex life end on a depressing low note? Married couples frequently gain weight, lose attractiveness, and stop touching each other. Hollywood actors separate from each other frequently, and they are the fantasies of millions of other peoples' private thoughts. Men are touted for their legendary endowments, or love-making abilities, and yet they never keep a girl for more than a few years, their loyalties to them based solely on the desire to have their sexual needs fulfilled when the time comes. And on top of all of that, men and women were frequently and secretly viewing or reading porn on the side. I even found my most recent ex-girlfriend porn stash on her computer one day. It intrigued me, but didn't surprise me, that the women liked the lemon-stories. I liked the videos, naturally. All of that love and passion, and yet we were still connected to our porn like our underwear.
So, after reading Cupid's Poisoned Arrow, I finally decided to take the plunge. If this notion about orgasm not being what it was cracked up to be was bunk,then I'd find out rather quickly. And quickly I did. I took a whole summer off from masturbating. I started in May, and made it to September. It was terrible. The ordeal was patently nuts. I told no one that I was even doing it. Not my parents. No friends. No one. It was my private experiment.
It was the best thing I ever tried.
I felt great. I finally decided to embrace the feeling of my libido instead of constantly ejecting it. I didn't ignore it. I just decided to let it stick around. It bothered me intensely for the first 8 weeks...and then it was like any other ache, pain, or sense phenomenon. It was me, and I wasn't going to get rid of it. Granted there were several other things that helped me.
1.) I didn't stay home very often. I did martial arts during most of my free time. I'm a teacher, so my summers are off. Instead of just sitting around, I made sure that martial arts became my job. In May, I found work to be a great help in curbing my masturbation habits because I was too busy to just sit in front of the computer, and tired enough when I got home to ignore the urge. Over the summer, I made sure I was doing something to keep away from my usual triggers.
2.) Physical exercise helped relieved the tension.
3.) I read books. I've read about 7 novels in just a few months. 5 of them were 800 pages plus. Usually, I'd get 30 pages in... stop, and then let the virtual babes fulfill my needs. Now, I had a more attentive mind.
I ended up relapsing into porn, and finally orgasmed again in September, but I just laughed a bit, got back on the horse, and thus far have given up the porn too. As hard as it is to break a habit, the benefits have far outweighed any of the emotional trials I've had to go through. I don't feel "backed up" or clogged. I don't sit there foaming at the mouth, and I truly enjoy having my vitality constantly roiling. It's been months since I've felt depleted or worried that I might need to take a week off just to feel alive again, or even interested in sex.
This is great. I'm truly thankful for this site and how things have been going in my life since I've started. I'll post again some time. Shorter posts. I just felt like I needed to get all of this out.