Getting to know myself

Aphrodites Chela's picture
Submitted by Aphrodites Chela on
Printer-friendly version

John Bradshaw "Creating Love" [quote]Like all matters of the soul, love is a dynamic reality that is always expanding and growing. As we make breakthroughs in consciousness, we understand everything differently. We can no longer base love on polarization, inevitability, genetics, power, control, secrecy, shame, repression of emotion, duty, and self negation. It must be based on polarity, vulnerability, shared power, choice, creativity, self-love, and a sense of mystery and fate. As we awaken from our trance, we realize that we cannot flourish without one another.[/quote]
Virginia Satir, the five freedoms available to functional people (me):
1) See and hear what I see and hear rather than what I am supposed to see and hear.
2) Think what I think rather than what I am supposed to think.
3) Feel what I feel rather than what I am supposed to feel.
4) Want what I want rather what I am supposed to want.
5) Imagine what I imagine rather than what I am supposed to imagine.

Moving out of my mystification I need to seek the things that will fill my soul. I want to find (define) the things that I like:

Light
reflecting to reveal the colors of nature
Water
quenching my thirst, giving me life
running in rivers and creeks
still in ponds and lakes
rolling in the ocean
rising as mist and
falling as rain.
The sound of women's voices singing
Duets
Music that makes me want to move
Walking over yellow leaves that cover the sidewalk of the city, matching hotspring's long strides (she is a gem guys).
Walking alone in Simpson Grove at twilight amongst giant ancient redwoods, lush green ferns, and white mushrooms that glow in the gloom.
Feeling the light rain as I pass from under the canopy into a clearing.
Looking in awe at a 15 foot high root ball of a downed behemoth.
Walking far enough into the woods so I no longer hear the cars (hoping it's a loop trail)
Getting to my car, at dark, just as it starts to pour.
Realizing I just got dog shit all over my floor mat (oops, how'd that get on this list?).

Comments

Home

What an incredible trip this has been. Meeting Marnia and Gary, and hotspring and 2 days of MyoFascial Release classes. Time away from my drama to see new things ( a new me?)
Tuesday 11/10 I walked in the afternoon up Fern Canyon. I crossed a creek over precarious logs. Mushrooms were abundant, ferns luxuriant, and the old trees grand. I even found a blackberry that was not too bitter.
"Hey dude, we're walkin' in tha woods. Let's smoke a doobie and get down with Nature." I succumbed to the peer pressure of me and took two tokes off the pipe I had packed at the beginning of this journey.
Maybe this will help me to get the biophotonic message of the plants that hotspring suggested. After the second hit I curse the pollution in my lungs and the mental jabber induced by the pot. It took a while to walk it off. The individual plants were not speaking to me. Asking, words, mental constructs are not the way. Duh...plants don't use language. The knowing will not be in words. Biophotons, I open my heart and my eyes. I see decay and growth and interdependence. The collective whole does speak, "Love and support one another." OK, that's good. But hotspring asks, "How does the shaman get the information she needs from the plants so as to choose the correct medicine? Biophotons?" I open my third eye, nothing. Damn! Looks like I can't be a shaman for 2 hours of trying.
I stroll, stumble, back down the trail. So different from my usual purposeful hiking. I move out of the quiet towards the roar of the ocean. I vow to walk barefoot in the forest with my granddaughter, letting her lead us and set the pace. I don't care for the jarring of my body the shoes allow. How much more could I learn without them? She'll teach me. Out into the open the sound of waves echoes back to me louder from the cliff than from the shore. I walk out onto the deserted beach. Such open wildness, great movement and sound, so different than the stillness of the canyon. There must be a whole bunch of biophotons driving in from the sea.
I drive 6 or so miles out the dirt/mud road (no rain today, but fording several creeks). I drive this narrow road at a speed that I feel I could handle the situation if I met someone coming at me around a corner at twice my speed. Not 10 minutes on the 2 lane hiway just north of Orick, I am the sixth car to come to the scene of a head-on collision. Twisted steel, steam, smoke, confusion, blood and pain. It took a really long time for the emergency personnel to arrive. I spoke with an injured passenger (sit, still, we'll get you out if we have to, but you're safe, you're husband's ok...) She said there was nothing they could do. Driving too fast the Dodge Ram pick-up was fish-tailing in their lane as they came around the corner. Note, dear friends, the great harm we can do through our selfishness and inattention.
Driving towards home I wonder at what insignificant choices I made throughout the day that delayed me the few minutes to avoid meeting that truck. Give thanks for every breath you take. Cherish the time you have with each other.

Home again

It was so much easier to be away for 6 days.
Tuesday I gave her kiss. It was so sweet we shared another. She started to pull away as I took the third and I was hurt as she pulled away from the fourth. We lay together a little while in the night. I gave her a shoulder rub, me hard between her cheeks, and it was ok. Yesterday morning I turned away as she dressed by the fire, not wanting that stimulation. Again we lay together in her bed and it was ok. This morning she calls me to her bed. She wants to say goodbye before she goes back to sleep. We lay together and discuss some necessary things. Then I ask if I may take a thrill. "What?" Let me hold you face to face to get me high. She rolls to me and I take off to the moon. I mean I am so stoned, my heart is racing. Gasping for breath I pull away and leave the room. Tonight she seems so far away. I don't know how to reach her on any level.
She brought this music to our house:
"Just A Ride" by Jem (Jem Griffiths/Mike Caren) on Finally Woken
[quote]Life, it's ever so strange
It's so full of change
Think that you've worked it out
then BANG
Right out of the blue
Something happens to you
To throw you off course
and then you

Breakdown
Yeah you breakdown
Well don't you breakdown
Listen to me
Because

It's just a ride, it's just a ride
no need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you round and round
Sometimes you're up
sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
don't be scared
don't hide your eyes
It may feel so real inside
but don't forget it's just a ride

Truth, we don't wanna hear
It's too much to take
Don't like to feel out of control
So we make our plans
Ten times a day
And when they don't go
our way we

Breakdown
Yeah we breakdown
Well don't you breakdown
Listen to me
Because it's just a ride

Slowly, oh so very slowly
except that
There's no getting off
So live it, just gotta go with it
coz this ride's never gonna stop

Don't be scared now
dry your eyes
It may feel so real inside
but don't forget to enjoy the ride[/quote]

Cranio Sacral session with Dr. Amy. That hole in my chest from removing Isadora as my center (ha!) we brought blood to it and it started functioning as another heart. The two work nicely together when I start feeling empty. Breathe...seems like I've been on the verge of tears for weeks.

Speaking as

Izzy's limbic brain...

"That 4th kiss was suffocating me. Give me space...until I reach for you. And then STILL give me space until I completely relax and am no longer pulling away."

A drunk in a sea of wine seeking sobriety

These surfing lessons are hard, but I am off to a good start today.
Om Shakti Shiva Shiva save me from my evil thoughts.
Yesterday was horrible. Dramatic mood swings from "pretty good" dropping down in an instant, then struggling back up to "middlin'", then crashing against the rocks. I want so much to be rescued. I want her to fix everything. I want you to fix me.

So what the fuck? the Oracle doesn't speak to me....
Hold On....Wait a Minute....
Hey! Thursday is 14 days (ever see that number before?) since I really dug in to remove her from the core of my happiness.....hmmmm

I take two books off the shelf...so many books to read and get out of the house...randomly (?) both mention Gurumayi, a name I've never heard before....[quote]That one is blessed and at peace
who doesn't hope, to whom
desire makes no more loans.

Nothing coming, nothing owed.

"Lalla, Naked Song" translations by Coleman Barks[/quote]

Started today (Friday) in bed before rising, with Feldenkrais exercises ("whatever you're doing could be done with less effort" and "rest"), brushed my body with a hairbrush (we are mammals, my Isadora (wow! I can say her name....she is innocent of all charges) introduced me to brushing in the 70's and hotspring recently reminded us. I broke fast with 2 dark chocolate almonds from Trader Joe's...I think it's going to be ok.

Laying with Izzy

As I lay with her I wonder, "How do I engage her?" My beard is too prickly for kisses. Oh, how I want to kiss her....but I need to hold back, not overwhelm her. I feel like such a liar, trying to be cool. It's better today, I think there is not more expectation than I can handle. I stroke her gently, wanting her to respond and am out of her bed as soon as she says good night (maybe a little late). This addiction is a funny thing. I am so enmeshed in it that it seems to be my true self and my true desire. It is not.
Putting that dog on a leash is not the way to find my way out. That kind of control may be necessary (don't click on that picture of the naked girl) but will not bring ultimate success. My goal must be bigger than stopping. Bonding and love is the way to go. I want to transcend my need by choosing loving action (without losing my sense of self, or sacrificing my identity) and help me God, to remove any sense of expectation and entitlement so I may know the serenity that comes when I am not trying to manipulate her. Think I'll look for a Co-Dependants 12 Step meeting. And I googled Gurumayi, she's inherited Muktananda's tribe. I remember rumors about those guys in the 70's, fucking to find God...hmmmmm[quote] Spousal Commitment
To be committed to continuous personal growth
and to support your partners personal growth.
To affirm your partners strengths
and be willing to be patient, forgive, and negotiate conflict differences.
To make and abide by agreements about relationship rules and roles.
To stand by your partner in sickness and in health,
in bad times as well as good.
To be willing to negotiate the ending of the relationship if one or both of you are not spiritually growing
and you've made real efforts to resolve your differences, including professional therapy.
To bear or adopt offspring.
To invest whatever time and effort it takes to work out conflict during the time of your offspring's developmental dependency needs and to divorce only when it is clear that your offspring's well-being is jeopardized by your staying together.[/quote]
It's been a hell of a week (eh? Daffy, wasn't Tuesday/Wednesday a bitch?)
Love and Peace to us all

Hey... AC

Isn't it still "Tuesday/Wednesday"? I'll let you know, maybe, when it's not for me.

What the $%^% ever...

I'm trying to do more listening than talking these days now... we'll all be better off for it, that I know. I'm tired of hearing myself.

DD

P.S. - I edited this post to add this...

But in all reality, after 7 orgasms in one day... what the hell am I expecting to feel now two days later, anyway? I at least learned that even if the fantasy is about a perfect relationship...that it is still considered "use" of another person...and considered indulgence. So...it's abstinence from masturbating and from indulging any sexual thought here. For two more months I don't wanna hear myself talk at ALL. Ya know what I mean? Enough said.

Ok... I've wanting to say this too...

You know Virgina Satir that you wrote about in the post above?
The five freedoms available to functional people...

Those were one of the MAIN parts of the Self Parenting Course I took for a year. When I first heard those in one of my first assignments, it melted my heart. Just wanted to say... I thought that was pretty neat.

Just saw this...

OH. Marnia. (DD rests chin in hand on computer desk...) Long Pause...

Thank you for saying that... for real. *sigh* - Reuniting makes it really hard for me to shut up... but then again, I've ALWAYS had trouble with THAT.

I'd miss you all too... for sure. (Hey AC - "All Y'all") No, I was not raised in the country on a farm.

DD

DDDDDD Daffy

Check in from time to time, if you please
One of the gifts I've received from Marnia and Gary (one of MANY) is the knowledge that I've got to see how the chemicals are working at any given time. It's really helped to lessen the confusion and help me gain some perspective (in spite of T/W).
Much Love

Got Laid

No karezza here. We went over 9 weeks (well at least I did) without orgasm. That is the longest ever since puberty. For me, orgasm really is no longer the point. We made a list of things we had to do this weekend and I said, "Recreation, some kind of karezza, physical bonding stuff, massage exchange...." Izzy wrote down "sex". I only briefly argued the point. It got a number one in priority. I conducted myself throughout the day as if it were going to happen...a sure thing. No anxiety and no attachment (ha! what song would I be singing if we didn't do it?). I was there for the contact, she for the orgasm. I didn't even try to argue. It worked out ok. She engages me when she wants to cum and I like her participation....we all know I like sex. So day 1 and I do know what the boogey man looks like.
Thank you all (and my Isadora) blessings

Cool

We'll see. Today is sweet post O. It's long been my favorite medicine. Space....I'll ask y'all and the oracle....I was thinking now might be a good time to ask for the bonding behaviors (10 min exchange, 5 for you, 5 for me) hell, she owes me for that good O I gave her ;)....but maybe I should keep the space and not ask (certainly not expect) anything. I'm concerned how we'll come up on the withdrawl symptoms. Days 3-5 have been big for me and it sure would be nice to glide through with some BB's.
Peace

Damn Oracle

just reflects the horns of my dilemma.
"Needy Behavior" means don't ask for ANYTHING
"Don't Hesitate" means go for the Bonding Behaviors
jeeesh
I'll try the I-Ching, 'cause I really don't know

It's clear to me

Yes ask, but be particularly careful not to engage in needy behavior if she says yes. (That is, focus on GIVING her what SHE would like, not on what you WANT.) Wink

I didn't ask

for 10 minute bonding exchange but GAVE a couple of hugs.
In "Jewels of the Sun" by Nora Roberts, the fairy king woos Lady Gwen with jewels, eternal life, world travel...yet she refuses him. He loves her (and she him) says it in his way (The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman) but she never hears him say "I love you". Centuries of torment for them both lay ahead. As I gain clarity I am able to see my Isadora. If she is not longer my drug, a one dimensional being, if I cease to relate to her on the level of what can she do for me, then a whole new world opens. What she wants from me is support. Not food and shelter support, or "I'll help you in whatever you need" support. She wants me to watch her back, to stand beside her in battle (kids), and to tell her she did well. Tough stuff for a resentful whining addict.

Support

In the past I've been really good with the "I'll help you in whatever you need" support - I thought that was all it took, just a strong desire to help when asked. I've realised the long, hard way that it's the support that's never asked for that is the most important, and it takes real awareness to see when that support is needed. Needless to say, I'm still learning :)

Good luck,
time_for_change

You guys are geniuses

Seriously. That's so true. (And nicely done, on working out the oracle connundrum, AC!)

You know what else? Men want this, too. They want their mates to be "safe harbors for them to dock in." Not just physically ;-), but also emotionally. How can any long-term companionship be otherwise, really? It took me a long time to realize this, too. It's a subtle shift. In a woman's case, it means a shift from "seductive" to "welcoming."

AC, I wouldn't describe you as a whining addict...although we all have our moments, I'm sure.