
I am a 15 year old male attempting to not orgasm, so far my results have been rather unsuccessful. Not because of any fault of mine really, but because twice I have been foiled a week+ without orgasms by an uncontrollable wet dream orgasm. I have read that when seminal fluid builds up it can be released involuntarily (typically through a wet dream), since adolescent males create a lot more seminal fluid than older adults it is quite possible that without semi regular discharge of this fluid one would continue to have wet dreams. I just had my 2nd wet dream this morning and I have decided to start a wet dream log, I will track every day I do not have a wet dream and every day I do. At this point things may go one way or another:
a. somehow wet dreams do not occur and i am successful in not masturbating/orgasming
b. wet dreams occur in a fairly predictable pattern over time, never allowing me to go too long without orgasm
c. wet dreams occur at random
d. I fall off the wagon and start masturbating again
d is very unlikely, as is c and a. If the information that seminal fluid builds up and needs to be released some way or another then it would seem logical that b would occur, and reveal a pattern of how long (at least my individual body) can go without orgasm.
Looking forward to Marnia and any other people browsing this forums opinion.
~WetDreamer
My first reaction was
Am I dreaming? You're 15 and you're going to stop wet dreams? Without lots of healthy, friendly contact with the opposite sex, too, probably, right? I think that might be like a girl deciding she's going to stop her periods. The Daoists had exercises for both, by the way, but I think their culture was very different, too.
I'm not sure your goal is especially realistic on a planet that is quivering with extreme sexual stimulation: today's ads, the way your classmates dress, the TV shows, the movies. It's a lot for a hunter-gatherer brain.
You would certainly have your work cut out for you! Maybe you should just make your goal to avoid porn and porn-style sexual fantasies. If you do that, you'll already be way ahead of the pack! Just to enhance your sex education, here's an article on why Internet porn is far more drug-like than good old masturbation to orgasm on occasion. http://www.helium.com/items/1655168-understanding-and-explaining-the-ris... You may also find tantra teacher Barry Long's thoughts of interest: http://www.reuniting.info/resources/porn_masturbation_addiction/barry_lo... The goal is to make sure that someday, sex with a partner is a genuinely intimate and fulfilling experience.
Wet dreams are involuntary. Some people find that more time spent with friends and family, exercise, avoiding bingeing on high-glucose foods, avoiding spicy foods, and eating lots of healthy food reduce them, so you *could* experiment with those things, or read more on the Web. But I would let go of the goal of "stopping wet dreams." Be content with any progress...or even no progress at all for now. Your body is "test driving" some circuits it hopes you will use to make babies as soon as possible. (Not recommended, by they way!
) It'll settle down in time.
Probably the men on this forum will have more useful things to say than I do, but those are my thoughts. To summarize: Stay off the porn. Realize that masturbation is a two-edged sword. It relieves you in the short-term, but can make frustration even more intense over the following days. And let the wet dreams do their thing. Be glad your body is healthy and normal.
By the way, welcome! I'll enable you to blog if you like.
Thanks Marnia
Thanks for the fast reply Marnia, I am an avid Psychology Today reader, intending on becoming a therapist some day of course, and your blogs struck me as particularly interesting, and making plenty of sense. I never really believed the wet dreams would stop, as i said it was highly unlikely. I suppose that for the moment I will just face the reality that it is currently impossible (without going to extremes) to entirely bypass ejaculation. I believe what you have stated in your other posts/blogs as well as this one about internet porn being particularly adverse, after all the women in porn are perfect bodied always willing and moaning little vixens. Since exposure to such high end novel mates is likely to reduce quality of real world sexual relationships to some degree, I will try to abstain from that. Did you ever read the study where they showed that male high school/college teachers were quite significantly more likely to divorce than teachers in the elementary grades and men in general? Evidence that long term exposure to prime novel mates is destructive to relationships.
I thank you again for the speedy response and do hope that others will state their experiences/feelings, whether they be male or female.
Link to another post
with insights about wetdreams:
http://www.reuniting.info/node/2960#comment-13703
Content:
Why beat yourself up over it? We all have dreams and have played tons of different characters in them. Do you take all the characters to be you? Why take this so personal? What about times when a wet dream occurs and you are not even aware of it? If that has not happened it is bound to. I have had that happen, as well as two wet dreams within hours of each other on the same night.
It is really impersonal just as digestion and breathing are. The body breaths, digests and its heart beats all while "you" sleep, and those functions continue during the waking state, deep sleep and dreaming sleep without the need for a "you" to be present.
If you can have a wet dream in sleep without even being aware of it until you awake, then for me that is really some evidence at how impersonal they are.
As far as the "why", there may not be a reason why. If I am dehydrated I tend to have dreams about going to the fridge and gulping down water. After I have played tennis I have woken to my arm flying forward as I was hitting the ball with the racket in the dream.
Dreams could totally be brain farts or you could make them into some big deal.
Your depression may be due to your resisting these wet dreams since you are powerless over them but want to control them with your conscious mind and as a result feel helpless. If your conscious mind was in control you probably would not be dreaming. So, it may be better to stop resisting the dreams and if you are willing, surrender them to God.
Another way to hold the dreams in mind is that they are serving some higher purpose that you are not aware of at the current time, but that God may make you aware of when the time is right (which is not known). You can also look at it as the dreams are serving some purpose to help you process out stuff from the subconscious mind.
For me it is best to remain an impartial witness to the wet dream (including the content of the dream) and if the conscious mind makes some connection that results in some release or understanding then great, if not, just allow them to be without resisting/judging them.
Are you sure you are 15 .
Are you sure you are 15 :). You seem to be way ahead of me already. I am not sure how I would have reacted at your age. I am sure it would have been about the same though. By the time I was your age I was lost in my addiction already. I did not have any trouble with wet dreams.
Well now that I have tried stopping I have awoke many times very close. Even tonight it happened. My case now may be different then yours though. At your age it is probable a normal reaction the body is developing like Marnia says. In my case I have been over stimulating for so long my body is trying to compensate. It is trying to get that burst/fix it wants/needs. This process has become very difficult for me. Lots of pain and self doubt. I am getting through it though.
Thanks for posting.
I am glad you are here. You are way ahead of most guys your age in that you now know what is going on. You know how to avoid some of this stuff. As Marnia says though at your age your body is probably having normal reactions that can not be controlled that well. I also agree with her to enjoy having a healthy body and reaction.
I wish I had found a site like this when I were your age. Although I probably would not have looked for it. That is why I say you are way ahead of me at your age. You have come looking for the right help at the right time.
I just want to say please stay away from porn. I know how tempting it is. Trust me I really do. I still fight its lures now. Let your body do its on experimenting. I do not see how you can stop it from developing :). Again the only thing really is to stay away from porn or anything else that couple over stimulate.
If you have any question I am sure I and others can try and answer them or help in some way.
I hope this was helpful. I am having a good day today besides the headache so It should be about as clear as I get :) .
Thanks
please continue to read and write here.
be safe
Wow! A budding therapist
It's fun having you visit. Since I wrote that earlier post, I thought of two more points you might find useful...or not.
A former sweetheart of mine, who was pretty together sexually...that is, not "repressed," and fully present during lovemaking, told me that when he was your age he figured out that masturbation to orgasm was such an intense experience that he thought it best to "ration" himself. I think he decided on a schedule of every two weeks...but I can't remember. My point is that if you stick to a reasonable schedule, you have a way to discourage yourself from falling into the otherwise natural escalation that tends to occur (because the neurochemical drop afterward can make you even more frustrated).
I'm right now struggling to write an article for PT called "The Wrong Masturbation Adivice?" and I really feel your post is part of what I've been "waiting" for. Right now, therapists are giving out very incomplete advice on this subject. They're (rightfully) trying to avoid the perils of sexual repression, which *can* make sex "forbidden" and therefore drug-like in its effect on the brain. But as I see it, there is little difference between the damage from that "drug trip," and the one that intense Internet porn can evoke because it's such a superstimulant. And therapists aren't warning about it much at all...because they're so busy trying to assure people that masturbation is "normal." Well it is. But it can also easily become compulsive, which never serves the person who gets caught, and can make him/her seek more and more extreme stimulation.
It all comes down to the neurochemical effects to a large degree, and I don't think the psychologists have recognized that widely yet.
The other thing I want to mention is that having a girlfriend can help with balance. Holding hands, adoring someone, and hanging out together is very soothing for pair-bonder brains like ours, even when intercourse isn't an option just yet. Our culture has forgotten that of late.
Looking forward to your further insights! I'll make suer you're enabled to start a blog in case you take a notion to.
Internet Porn
First I would like to thank you both for your replies, they were both quite helpful. I look forward to reading your upcoming PT articles Marnia and hope they will provide further insight into the matter of masturbation for anyone who chooses to read the articles. After reading your PT blogs I decided to snoop around on the internet and look up the details on dopamine/oxytocin, and even karezza to an extent. What I learned was interesting to me, and fortunately it also is helping me knock off some school assignments. I already wrote a problem/solution research essay on dopamine/oxytocin in relation to relationships in our society for my English class, and i am going to use the same information to do my Health class end of semester project. It was helpful for me to have to organize my thoughts on the matter in such a way that other people would be able to easily understand it. After all is not the best way to really learn a topic to "teach" it?
About rationing, I can't claim before I read your blogs I was waiting 2 weeks between each session of masturbation, but i was typically waiting 2-3 days in between because I found that it felt better that way, delayed gratification I suppose. I definitely believe that if psychologists/therapists were educated on this topic that they would be able to better advise their patients on how to improve their relationships, and hopefully the knowledge will eventually even get out into the eye of the public and give an even wider audience the information they need to help them build happy relationships.
My husband
wants to see your picture. *chuckle* He won't believe you're 15 until he sees your face. He says he couldn't even make a sentence at that age...and you're as eloquent as a sage.
I told him it's probably due to your careful management of sexual energy.
My face
Alright, I will have a picture for you fairly soon. Eloquence in speech is definitely one of my strong points, though honestly I don't talk too much. I prefer to keep to myself unless I feel I have something truly worth saying, frivolous chitchat sucks the life right out of me.
I confess
that I love introverts for this very reason. They always have the most interesting things to say. Gary's an introvert. I'm right on the line between introvert and extrovert.
Here you go
Alright my mugshot is up, though I am more fond of my looks from the back of my head. =p
Lookin' good!
Thanks for sharing yourself. Gary will have to correct his evil suspicions now.:-)
"Crow" instead of turkey for him tomorrow! Ha ha!
Very interesting message
This came from a young man in Europe, and I share it with his permission. Since he talks about the effects of masturbation, I decided to stick it in this thread. He really gets to the core of the matter: how the way we use our sexual energy can tamper with our perception...and therefore with our choices, our ability to socialize, stay in love, etc. This is what I try to share in Cupid's Poisoned Arrow.
In short, the questions of "Is masturbation/orgasm normal?" and "Is it "healthy?" are valid questions, but they don't get at its psychological (and indirectly, its physical) effects when we overdo it. (And some of us are so sensitive that we notice the effects without going near the usual "excess" marks.)
______
Smiles
First off, how do you know that picture is really me? I am sure if your husband really wanted to he could believe I just took that picture from some obscure nook of the internet and put it on here to trick you people ;p hehe.
Second, thanks for the interesting read, I do not believe in the whole concept of chakras and meditation. I certainly believe that people who meditate can become more aware of their physical and mental functions which can allow them to perhaps better control/understand these functions or promote well-being but that is truthfully all i believe. One basic thing I do not believe I have seen you put emphasis on (forgive me if I missed it) is how people should make sure that they really have things in common with and that they enjoy doing with their partners before plunging into bonding behaviors. It is easy to lose yourself in oceans of bliss with just about anyone who is willing, but one must make sure that they agree on other matters as well.
And how did you know
that that is *exactly* what he said when I told him about the picture? Apparently evil minds run in the same channel.
You are very perceptive. The search for "Mr. or Ms Right" is *not* encouraged on this site. In my experience, "how" is more important than "who." However, I also believe that when we keep our perception clear, we have a much better chance of partnering in a way that enhances both lives.
Strangely, matching resumes doesn't necessarily lead to ideal mating. Sometimes complementary mates who are quite different are better for both than carbon copies. Gary and I laugh that I'm the stick of dynamite that moves his butt, and he's the one who holds onto my kite string so I stay a bit grounded.
Do you have experience with meditation and chakras, or do you mean you mistrust the concept intellectually?
Haha, good to know he isn't
Haha, good to know he isn't letting his guard down.
True, true, but in general you should have activities you both enjoy doing apart from lovemaking. No need for you to be carbon copies of each other, just have a few similar interests that you can exercise together, whether those interests be intellectual or physical, or a bit of both!
I mistrust the concept intellectually, and no I do not have experience with them.
No matter what your current
No matter what your current physical age may be your mental and spiritual age is way beyond that :).
"Second, thanks for the interesting read, I do not believe in the whole concept of chakras and meditation."
I thought this way not too long ago. I am still a little doubtful for some reason. I have had some major shifts to my reality though.
Just want to say I enjoy reading your post. I still do not believe you are 15 :) .
Thank you for the
Thank you for the compliments, perhaps in time I will open up to such ideas, at the moment i prefer to stick with somewhat more concrete (that is logically explainable) concepts. I honestly wouldn't have been so interested in Marnia's ideas if they did not have neurochemicals and many personal accounts backing them up, in addition to making sense logically.
meditation research
Meditation can seem like nothingness but there has been a steady supply of good research done by Harvard Medical school under Dr Herbert Benson since the 1970's that testifies to its mental and physical health benefits. see the link: http://www.mbmi.org/home/ . His best selling book The Relaxation Response is good too but the YouTube videos available at the link are a good start. I teach it to grad students at a top UK university because it helps so much with putting some order into the chaos that our minds and its many distractions are prone to. It helps me enormously too in all kinds of ways.Sacred sexual practices are a form of sexual meditation, with the added the benefit of the synergy of two minds focused on the same end, all being well. :)
Mind Body connection research...
I guess the site has moved now...it looks like the new site is: http://www.massgeneral.org/bhi/
Cheers,
Reggie
Welcome Resilience
Good to have you aboard!
Delayed Gratification
In my recent past (at least the last few years) I have always kept my stomach relatively full of food, to the point of feeling almost full and never experiencing any discomfort from being too full. I would wait until my stomach had enough room for the meal I planned to eat and then I would eat it. I see now that this compulsive eating is relatively joyless in comparison to eating when you are hungrier. Just today I decided I would space out my meals throughout the day so that I would not have as much food in my belly at any one time as I did before. To my surprise, yet it makes sense from all that I have read, the things I did eat tasted MUCH better. The normal lunch I eat every school day, same items every day, tasted much much better when I ate it when I had been holding back for hours since my last meal, i could taste the juices in the lunch meat and don't even get me started about that apple.
I expect that this new venture will help me to be more "mindful" of eating (Though jeez about 1 in every 3 psychology today articles I see nowadays are about mindfulness!) and thus gain more pleasure from it. In addition not compulsively eating whenever I feel like I can cram something in there will probably lead to a reduction of caloric intake per day, which means less chance that I will get fat over the years even if I get lazy about exercise.
Not really related to wet dreams so much, but I do think this ties in with the mindfulness of sex appeal. If you binge orgasm (which most people in our society do), you tend to appreciate less the more subtle pleasures of interactions with the gender you are attracted to, and as I mentioned earlier the longer you wait between orgasms in general the better it feels when you do orgasm.
Interesting observation
Thanks for sharing it. I think you're onto something very important when it comes to maximizing the pleasure in our lives. We have these simple things (food, people, nature) all around us...totally undervalued because we've let our reward centers run away with us.
Thanks for sharing that WD
I've been through similar experiences with food as well, yet I mostly stick in the 'always full' stage. Interesting that it's the same mechanism at work.
time_for_change