Spontaneity

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As she withdrew from her agreement to 10 minutes of Bonding Exchanges per day, she said, "What happened to spontaneity?" I had to ask what that was. The conversation didn't go far before she said, "I don't want to talk about it," and I backed off. She did send an email about going out more. I thanked her. Should I reply with this?[quote]Of course for me it is different and my answer is painful. You asked me, "What happened to spontaneity?"
You stopped saying yes.
Spontaneous kiss - you flinch. My heart breaks.
Spontaneous hug - you pull away. I feel rejected and needy.
Spontaneous cuddle in bed - you are bothered. I wonder what's wrong with me.
Spontaneous love note - no response. I feel foolish and taken advantage of.
I take steps for protection and make plans for healing. The promise and act of 10 minutes per day of bonding exchange was working for me. It gave me a base of comfort, support, and certainty. It gave me hope and dreams to plan for (oops, not so spontaneous). I believe when I am happy I can be more spontaneous.[/quote] Do I tell her these things? Or stay quiet to let the filly calm? The I Ching says, "No, Prepondrance of the Small, great things should not be done" and that morphed to Enthusiasm. WTF! enthusiasm? So I tried the Oracle here:
QUESTIONABLE MOTIVES
What insight will help me at this time?
SELF-RESPECT
OK, I'm keeping mum and paying attention to the little things
vos amo

Comments

*sigh*

You are SO right that certainty of some daily affection creates a sound base for spontaneity. Seems contradictory, but it isn't. A soothed amygdala is a happy amygdala. And a happy amygdala frees us from subconscious defensiveness. Without that, life is simply more fun.

Well, the good news is that she will come around again...in time. She always does. Smile Any chance you could resist giving her that orgasm when the time arrives? Just tell her you'll deliver it the next time you make love instead. See if she stays interested meanwhile.

You know Gary's famous saying, "When I don't attempt to fertilize you, my limbic brain stays enchanted." Wink

Are humans 'designed' for communal living?

Reading the above, I felt both interested about the perspective of someone right in the midst of a relationship, and simultaneously just how striking my situation contrasts with this. I have not shared my bed for over 6 years. I have had sex now and then but no 'honest spontaneous touch' for longer than I can remember. I feel drawn to the idea though. I will look up some info about the 'amygdala'. Mine must be starved indeed.

The amygdala

is our "inner guardian," a key bit of the reward circuitry. It colors everything in our lives, coloring each event or item, usually with "attraction" or "repulsion." Soothing touch releases oxytocin, which makes it "see" things through rosy spectacles. Otherwise, it can easily "see" them through dark clouds.

This is why it matters so much how we use sex (or any other super stimulating activity or substance). It actually influences how we "see" and "judge" the world around us. When our reward circuitry is off, the amygdala is unnecessarily defensive/vulnerable/pessimistic. You guys notice this constantly.

Very nice note

You really speak from your heart. Very NVC-ish.

One suggestion: leave off the phrase "and taken advantage of." It sounds a little bit like blame or criticism of her.

Other than that, I vote for "send it!".

Thanks Guys

Nice to see you around CF....but I'm holding it for today upon the advice of the Oracles.
[quote]Soothing touch releases oxytocin, which makes it "see" things through rosy spectacles.[/quote]Sure works for me but Izzy still sees me as an octopus.

It Is Written

and was important for me to give it form and it will not be lost. I used the I Ching first.
Options....I'm going to stick to my program of being as open as I can be while removing her as my center and continuing to find/define/do those things that make me happy.

Day 20

First thing in the morning....She stands naked by the fire. I can't resist, open my robe, and hold her close....no resistance. Half an hour later I take in her my arms (slight flinch) and say, "That first one was about sex. This is about a loving good morning greeting" and she rested her head on my shoulder. She gets home about 9PM and I share a note from Marnia with her. My Izzy gets angry that there are people who know so much about her, know intimate things that she has not told them. Effortlessly (hear that? effortlessly!) I listened. I did not defend. I did not try to fix it (I'll never say another word about you). I did not attack. I stayed present and responded as needed. It passed. Which means it didn't linger in my mind as anxiety. I didn't sulk. I wasn't afraid that she no longer loved me or that I wouldn't get laid. Half hour later I gave her a quick hug and went to bed. I was reading my self towards sleep (Energy Psychology, Gary Craig, tapping, thanks guys) when she came to my bed! She declared right off it would just be a quick good night snuggle. Fine by me....and so it was.
So clear, this cycle, how bad day 10-14 is for me. Days 1-2 are sweet, still stoned. Day 3-4 the desire starts to build. Without the bonding stuff the slide down starts picking up speed. I get needy and whiny and pretty pitiful (pitiful can work for a mercy fuck, shame 'em into it....:P). I like 20 days. I know I can't stay here but I plan to remember at the next day 3 to start feeding myself (not asking her to feed me).
Which reminds me of the vampires, Anne Rice's and the more violent and salacious Laurell K Hamilton's (Meredith Gentry series not the Anita Blake). These women sure know how to write about the need to be fed.
Bon Appetite!

Tapping

12/5/09 Yesterday, hardly any contact, a good morning and good night kiss. The One Who Blesses Us All and her parents were over for dinner.
Today I do my Feldenkrais exercises, brushing and tapping before getting out of bed. I have become quite disciplined about the F&B. First time for tapping. I'm on page 66 of "The Promise of Energy Psychology" by David Feinstein, Donna Eden (Marnia, do you know them?) and Gary Craig. The following will make sense to those who know:
"Even though I feel heartbroken when Isadora rejects me, I deeply love and accept myself."
Went from an 8 near tears to a 3 and I knew I needed to shift.
"Even though I have this problem of believing heartache is essential to my being, I deeply love and accept myself."
Went from deep sadness 9 to a joyous 0.
Went back to the rejection and from a very sad 9 to 0.
The sadness came back. "Even though I have this problem of sadness, I deeply love and accept myself."
Went from 8 to 3.
"Even though I still have some of this sadness, I deeply love and accept myself."
Went from a 5 to a joyous 0. By "joyous" I mean damn near laughing out loud.
I go downstairs and start preparing breakfast. I got an iPod for my Gemini birthday and was rocking out, glad to have the music without disturbing Izzy's sleep. She gets up and says I woke her with my singing. You don't want to hear me sing. I was totally unaware. She says she wants to shower before breakfast. I have stopped asking if I may join her or if it would give her pleasure for me to join her and just take her announcement as a kind of invitation (but tell her of my intention to join her, so she may decline my company if she chooses). In the shower she asks me if I am stoned or been drinking. I say, "Because I am annoyingly chipper?" She says, "No, dorky." I have to laugh and tell her what I've been up to. I am so happy to gain such wonderful results in less that 15 minutes of work! We have been separate all day today, me choosing to not accompany her to the faire. That is unusual. What is usual is for me to chose to be with her all the time.
12/6/09 High light fog clouds from the coast sit at about 2000'. Patches of blue and sun and scattered individual snow flakes. The turkeys rustle the autumn leaves.
Tried tapping this AM. "Even tho I have this problem of getting upset when I feel entitled to affection from my wife, I deeply love and accept myself." Running at 6 and unable to shift it, kept falling into sadness. Did it 6 times, wanting so much to renew yesterday's success. Went back to do my Feldenkrais and brushing to set the stage and tried again, without success after 6 tries and I gave up. Will try again. Told my wife I'm on the edge and 20 minutes of mutual affection would fix it good and that I have not yet entered the darkness and I will do my best to manage it on my own. The affectionate time would be a quick and lasting fix. She flinched as I started to speak and said nothing. I'm keeping busy and looking for my happiness. I will ask nothing of her. All kisses and hugs (should there be any) will be gifts, not requests.
Peace

Tapping

AC,

That's amazing! You are a PRO at tapping now! Let me tell ya... when those nasty feelings that feel VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY ...painful and HURT soooooo bad happen, you know those kind? Well... I find myself becoming BRAVE enough to feel them (even though I don't want to) and within SECONDS the feelings dissipate and transmute into other emotions.

Either way, what WAS intolerable becomes tolerable, manageable, and ... then joy happens as well. If I didn't have tapping, I don't know what I'd do. It's hard to remember how BAD the feelings were when the tapping just (snap!) takes them away... but that's OK with me.

Good Job, AC. Also... the main difference between EFT and WHEE is the installation of a positive in place of the negative energy that was released.

Dr. Daniel Benor (Wholistichealingresearch.com) is the author of "Seven Minutes to Natural Pain Release" and talks about it in there. The installation of the positive is in Dr. Benors personal words to me Smile ... "the best possible scenario that you could imagine and feel wonderful about even if it doesn't seem true at the time."

This is helpful for me because it helps me focus on what's positive and also because often times, I know with me this is true that the whole left from all that negative energy needs filled with loving energy.

I'm happy to hear about your joy, AC. IMO - that was an EXCELLENT way of wording the tapping.
That's AWESOME, AC - and you keep right on singing, ok??!!
Daffy

I wish I was as strong as

I wish I was as strong as you. I wish I was as good at tapping as you two are. I have tried and I am just not that good. I might give it a try tonight. I would love to be able to take these emotions and feelings I am having right now and turn them around. I am on that damn emotional yo-yo again tonight. It just hurts and I hate it so much. My "it" brain knows that and it just keeps pushing and pushing. All I can hope for now is to get even a little sleep without giving in.

thanks

Ok, James.

(Tap with your four finger tips on the karate chop point on the side of your other hand below your little finger on the fleshy part... or you can tap your eyebrow points ...or if it feels good to you, you can do the butterfly hug and tap your shoulders hugging yourself while you do so...)

I don't always think to RATE my feelings because often they are too damn intense... but it's good to notice a level of your distress such as giving it a number between 1 and 10 (mine are usually in the 1,000 range!)

"Even though I don't feel as strong as others are... I deeply and completely love and accept myself."
"Even though I'm afraid the tapping procedure won't work for ME because after all I'VE TRIED!! and even though I'm just not that good...at tapping or at anything I try and do...?!?) I still choose to tap and try again because I am WORTH it."
(Take a deep breath and blow out through your mouth. )
If you are not getting anywhere...

Rub the "sore spot" under your collar bone and over from the center of your adam's apple about two inches...

Then continue tapping. If the tapping doesn't seem to work then you perhaps have not nailed the particular feeling yet...

One that I used to say is "Even though I do NOT want to quit smoking and I wish I could SMOKE the REST of my life...and I am afraid I just MIGHT DO THAT... I am allowed to choose that if I want to....but if I could quit, I would."

Even though I would love to be able to take these emotions and feelings I am having right now and turn them around but I don't feel that I can because I am on that damn emotional yo-yo again... I'm choosing to tap anyway because if I can feel better, I would choose that.

Even though it just hurts and I hate it so much...and I don't WANT to accept it and I don't WANT to be feeling what I'm feeling... I am tapping so that counts for something. I choose to tap anyway...because even though it hurts, I am worth feeling good. Even though I can't accept how I'm feeling, I choose to tap anyway and I'm doing a great job... I'm a wonderful, brave person.

Sometimes if I can't identify what the emotion is that I'm feeling..I might say something like "Even though I have NO FREAKIN' CLUE what I'm feeling (and usually I stomp my feet)... I would like to be able to feel them if I can, so I can tap and accept them and myself completely.

Even though I have this "it" brain that just keeps pushing and pushing.... I still deeply and completely love.... (pause).... and ... accept... myself deeply and completely.

Even if I do give in... and even if I don't want to, really... but I really, really, really wish this was easier...and it's NOT! DAMN IT!... I love and accept me anyway. (keep tapping and say: I'm not so bad. I'm a pretty good guy. I love me. It hurts when I don't love me. I choose to love and accept me anyway. If I could laugh, I would but there doesn't seem to be any joy but I'm proud of myself for tapping and wanting to help myself. Others have said they're proud of me too.

take a deep breath and blow out...

If this takes a long time, James... You're worth it.

DD

Thank you.

Thank you.

I used your tips and suggestions to help fight off cravings. I thought I was going to give in. The tapping helped.

It helped bring on a healthy cry too. I felt much better after all of that

When I was done crying I gave the pup a massage so he is happy now too :).

Thank you.

What a journey

but I can't help thinking of the story about my mom as a little girl "showing" her puppy with all the other kids at the county fair. The puppy wouldn't move, and my great-grandmother got down out of the stands and gave the dog a nudge(?) with her shoe...ahem. Too bad she's not still around. I never met the woman, but I suspect I have a lot of the same genes. Wink

so yesterday

wasn't so good. Did pretty well holding my center, kept busy, but reacted with anger to her criticism. Mid afternoon I said, "It's been a rough day. Is there anything I can do that would absolutely delight you?" "Stop bugging me for sex." I had to laugh through my sadness. After I mentioned how some mutual affection might be helpful, 6 hours before, I had said and done nothing. That girl needs to get tapping. I went to bed angry and tapped it away. Had a good session this AM too.
Breathe deeply