Submitted by belleveritas on
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What about surviving the Addicted Lover who rejects-abandons you for The Next One? Why do women get addicted to these guys? Working out Bad Daddy issues via Imago?

Welcome to the forum

Great to have you here. I guess my thought is that we see the potential in these guys...just as they see ours, despite our imperfections.

Quite honestly, addiction is so widespread that if we don't learn how to crack the code with each other's help, there will be a lot of mateless people. Wink Besides, recovered addicts are some of the loveliest folks on the planet.

former addict

I used to have a girlfriend I was addicted to. She was a real hottie, and she loved to orgasm, and I have to admit that I enjoyed watching her. As a man, I think I can fairly say that it's better for men to remain continent, but I can't be sure about women. A. B. S. makes a convincing case that the same applies to women, but I can only take her word for it, and though I guess I don't find them essential, I do like watching women have orgasms.

But with my girlfriend it was a problem. I tried explaining to her that I did not like having orgasms myself, and that maybe she should try giving them up, and she randomly thought I was kidding or crazy, or just seemed to ignore me.

My girlfriend would be on top of me like a wild woman, and I'd be like ok we gotta stop now or I'm gonna come and she'd be like come or die, and she was so hot, and well....she was damn strong, too, when she was coming....like she got this surge of adreneline or something.

I thought maybe if she had to orgasm she could just masturbate while she was mounted on me so I'd be spared what amounted to forced orgasm. Without the aggressive hunching I would have been fine. But no. And she not only wanted the hunching, she wanted my semen. She could tell when I was leaking pre-cum and it would make her redouble her efforts.

I tried to end it more times than I can count, but I couldn't go for more than a few days without calling her up, and it always ended the same way: simultaneous orgasm, followed by depression, at least for me.

I don't know how I finally managed to break free from her, but I haven't seen her in almost a year. Maybe it was the new computer I got. It's a Mac Pro with a 24" LED cinema display. I'm back to masturbating to porn. No orgasms, no depression. During masturbation I have never had a problem avoiding orgasm. I like to watch videos of women masturbating, and when I've had enough, I just pull the plug, and that's the end of it. And while my girlfriend was hot, my cyber girlfriends are even hotter, and hell, I don't even have to buy them dinner.

Of course, I'd prefer having a real live girlfriend who was really hot and who would also allow me to make love to her in my own, slow, non-orgasmic way, but saving that, I'm just fine with porn, and don't think of it at all as an addiction. That's what my girlfriend was, and I'm glad to be rid of her.

Just curious,

have you tried avoiding porn for a couple of weeks to see how you feel? Sometimes it's hard to know if you're hooked unless you (a) begin to develop ED, (b) find yourself watching bizarre (in your opinion) things just to get off, or (3) give it a rest and have severe withdrawal symptoms (shakes, headaches, violent mood swings).

I realize your goal isn't a loving relationship, but I wonder if you'd feel differently if you found a girlfriend who would experiment with three weeks of the Exchanges, or bonding behaviors. They shift perception somehow, making lovers more sensitive to subtle pleasures, and tastes change. It seems to me that without experiencing that you can't really exercise free will because you haven't tasted the alternative. You're stuck with how porn and vigorous sex make you feel...and you can only imagine how bonding behaviors would make you feel Since they sound bland by comparison you may not try them unless you make a concerted effort.

I'm 56. I've tried it all.

In my 20's I went about 3 years as a total celibate, completely avoiding even erections by force of will. Not easy to do in your 20's. Sometimes in this period I would read or look at the whole gamut porn for hours in a clinical way just to prove my will.

As for going without porn, I worked for years in Saudi Arabia in the pre-internet age, where porn was non existent and where the censors even blacked out the bare arms of women in magazines.

I've tried celibacy with porn, celibacy without porn, hot orgasmic sex with women, and masturbation with and without porn.

As I've said, I'd prefer having a real girlfriend who wouldn't want to force orgasms on me, but since I can't seem to find one I'm happy with masturbation. Beats the hell out of celibacy.

The porn is optional, but nice. As for bizarre porn, my God, it does get bizarre. Out of scientific curiosity I think I have investigated every perversion in the book, and I'm happy to say my curiosity has been completely satisfied. Yuk.

The genre of porn I enjoy is female masturbation, and there are lots of free videos available. I use the search word "solo," then I skip through the ones with anal masturbation or dildos or vibrators, which I find disgusting. I like straight clit rubbing with sound. There are some real Goddesses doing it.

As for bonding behaviors, yes, the old girlfriend and I did them all the time. For now, I was thinking of getting a Magic Mouse.

Clarification

Did you and your girlfriend try bonding behaviors without orgasm (by either) for an extended period? That seems to result in the maximum satisfaction and feelings of well-being. It they're mixed with someone's orgasm, then you can't see their full potential (at least in my experience).

No

Once there was foreplay, there was always penetration, and once there was penetration, intercourse could go for hours, but in the end there was always this reflexive, simultaneous orgasm. She was definitely the one in control. The couple of times I tried to end it in the nick of time....God, was there hell to pay. And over dinner she treated my dissertations on Karezza as childish heathenism.

Hi Belle Veritas

Truth is indeed beautiful!

If you deal with your question in general, i.e. why do ALL Addictive Lovers, etc. all you will get is opinion.

If you deal with a specific case (just change the names), then you may get more useful information and advice in this forum. Many of us behave irrationally. In fact, for many of us it goes waaaay beyond irrationality into self-destructiveness.

Feel free to speak your mind and tell your story. There are a lot of sympathetic people here.

P.