What if we do not engage each other daily?

Submitted by KnowledgeSeeker on
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Hi, Marina and everyone.

I stumbled onto this extraordinary site a couple days ago when I googled for information on Oxytocin . . . and am so glad of the blessed discovery (of this web site!)

I had devoted the whole of this past year, 2009, to focus on the personal relationship aspect of my life . . . to seek out a suitable prospect and create a possible life-long relationship with him . . . the year was ended with success :) It was an eventful (at times painful) odyssey, yet I finally found my prince (and my prince found me . . . love must be mutual, right?)

Prior to and during this year-long endeavor, I had done much research, read and studied much about man-woman relationships (I must admit, as I grew older, things have gotten more complicated . . . when I was 20 years younger, my 2 long-term relationships came into being much more easily . . . I don't know why . . . LOL.) Whenever I wished to know something or have questions in my mind, I was eventually led to the sources or places where I might find my answers, insights, or information. I've always considered those divine guidance. The Universe has led me here when I recently pondered how I may deepen the connection between my new beau and me beside the conventional sex in which we engage.

As I plow through the articles on this web site--and I have not finished reading all of them yet (there is soooo much information, thankfully)--I understand that the bonding practices are to be implemented *daily*. My dilemma is that my relationship with my beau is still rather new . . . although we had known each other for 7 months during which he gently courted me, we only started the "real" dating process 3 months ago. At this early phase, we are not seeing each other everyday . . . in fact, we do not have a predetermined frequency or schedule for our next get-together. I am wondering whether the concepts and bonding behaviors/practices can be applied to brand-new relationships (I've noticed that many practitioners of karezza are married couples.) What can we do when we engage each other infrequently (like once a week)? And would these bonding practices be effective for building emotional connections if not implemented daily but only whenever we get together (such as once a week)?

Hi KS

Welcome and I had a similar question for Marnia since I am in a relationship with someone who lives 90 minutes away and we only see each other on the weekends.

I have blog entries if you care to read them, but I just wanted to say that in our circumstance, the hours of bonding behaviors we do when we *do* see each other (and I'm talking about hours upon hours, lol) seem to make up for not being able to see each other daily!

rediscovered

Welcome KS

"rediscovered" is the resident expert on this subject.

In my experience, gaps can cause problems, but age probably helps. Wink In any case, you can't go wrong with bonding behaviors!

Thank you, rediscovered and Marina

. . . for your welcoming messages and feedback.

Oh yes, rediscovered, I've read your blog posts . . . they are very inspiring, and I do see my situation very similar to yours . . . for now Wink

Actually, I do see my guy an ideal candidate with whom to start the practice of karezza. When we first began to engage each other intimately, to my dismay, he had a hard time staying hard. Prior to knowing the concepts and the science presented on this site, I thought that it was a problem. Yet now, I don't see it a problem anymore . . . it is actually a blessing because with him not staying hard, we could engage in the sex act for hours during which there are a lot of kissing, cuddling, caressing, and the intercourse is usually slow and gentle. And we did this before I had the benefit of knowing what I've learned here (it was simply the style of lovemaking I personally preferred--gentle sex.) I did not know that it is gestures or practice like the bonding behaviors described in Marina's articles that build and strengthen emotional bonds (I did know that having the man be emotionally bonded to me is a good thing when I want him for an LTR.) I thought that it was the other way around--that the affectionate behaviors were the **results** of feeling love for my partner, not the cause!

What I've learned here finally made me realize why my 2 previous LTRs were so successful (in that my guys were very, very much in love with me; I never had the angst that I experience now with my now-a-days love endeavors or relationships) despite the lack of actual intercourse (yes, the guys stayed in relationship with me for 6 and 8 years even though we never had intercourse--though we did everything else . . . LOL.)

Before I came upon this site, I knew that sex has something to do with making things more difficult for me . . . I just couldn't put my finger on it.

Now I actually want to halt the practice of intercourse with my guy and just take a step backward in our physical intimacy . . . but I want to do so without alarming or hurting my guy, or damaging the chances of the continuing development of our emotional bond for each other (which is still rather fragile at this early stage, I think.)

Marina, your comment in one of rediscovered's blog post is very enlightening . . .

You said that selfless care-taking and affection are what make extending love such a fulfilling and peaceful endeavor. I have been pondering for a long time why I can love all the dogs in the animal shelter where I volunteer (and I really, really love them), yet when I see them going home with their new adoptive parents, I am happy rather than sad (logic tells me that I should be sad because I would never see them, my beloved dogs, again.) And I had always wished that I could love a man like I love the dogs (detached loving). I think with the practice of karezza, I may be able to experience great love for my guy in a similarly detached way.

Now, before that, I would have to strengthen our bond first . . . :)

--KnowledgeSeeker

I was once told

a one liner piece of wisdom, altho it was presented as a joke. Like you, I have spent a lot of personal effort/exertion on trying to figure out why the troubles always seem to spawn from sex.

The wisdom presented as a joke to me was relayed as a jest/doube entendre' regarding male erection - but to me, it struck a more important chord. The saying? "Love is easy - sex makes it hard".

Sometimes the truth isn't good enough. Sometimes people deserve more; sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded.

Another Welcome

Hi KS,

Good for you! You're walking into a new relationship with eyes wide open, instead of letting all the crazy chemicals have their way and picking up the pieces afterward. I hope your beau knows what a treasure he has in you (I strongly suspect he does).

Communicating the idea of Karezza can be really difficult. Many people on this site (myself included) have had a hard time getting their spouse on board. But you're at the beginning of the relationship, the ideal time to say things like, "Tonight, let's just snuggle and look into each other's eyes." He may even welcome that approach because it removes performance pressure (which can be a big deal in a guy, particularly as we age).

Godspeed, Seeker!

P.

You may find

That as you practice the bonding behaviors and go longer and longer without intercourse, his ability to maintain an erection *may* get stronger and stronger. I do think it takes away a lot of the "performance anxiety" for men so they are able to fully relax and feel completely uninhibited emotionally.

At least, that has been my experience! Wink

Good luck and I hope you share your journey with us~

rediscovered

It's ironic

that as performance decreases in importance it also becomes more effortless.

I liked that dog story KS. That's healthy love in action, isn't it? Nurturing, but not clingy and pathological. Wink When I see some of the controlling, jealous behaviors lovers engage in (and it's often us, fellow goddesses), I really wonder how men can think the hot sex is worth it. *chuckle* It really does NOT bring out the best in us. It's draining - not just for us, but also for our partners.

Ah, sweet sanity. Smile