[From a reader, posted with permission]
You wrote "Giving up sex is not healthy". The question is why? Of course,
from the biological point of view, the answer seems to be clear, Marnia, but
I think health is relative. I don't know who it was that once said "If you
are not strong enough to force your rules upon fate, then you have to accept
the rules that fate forces upon you." This statement is sad but absolutely
true. If you can't get the best option of something, you have to choose the
second best, therefore the question is not if there might be a part of
myself still looking for a partner. Unfortunately, I must disappoint you if
you expect optimism and thinking positive concerning finding a girlfriend.
The problem is not to meet women, but to meet their requirements. When I was
young, many things (including my mind) were running more easily and
smoothly. However, I've never been able to raise a girl's interest in me.
Nearly all free women my age are divorced, and it's clear that their
expectations for the next partner have risen, not fallen. This isn't a
matter of moral or so. Don't misunderstand me, please, I'm writing about
sexual relationships, not friendship. Since I'm not exactly experienced in
being somebody's partner, the situation is hard. Finding a girlfriend used
to never succeed, Marnia, so why should it now be working?
Despite not knowing me, you told me that there were probably 3 women within
a few kilometers who would feel honored by my company. Where does your
optimism come from? - Call it stupidity, stubbornness, small-mindedness,
arrogance, self-pity, cowardice or whatever else, but I think it's better
for me to abide to the saying 'Cobbler, keep to your last!'. I'm really
tired of bumping my head again and again. You know that society has become
very complex, and just being a male is not qualification enough on today's
gender market. Ask three women what they want from men and you'll get at
least five different opinions. It's much easier to acquire the necessary
skills for succeeding on the job market because its rules are simpler. In
this area I know what to do. But maybe American women are different. I hope
so. God bless America!
I hope, Marnia, that you are not offended by my openness. Believe it or not,
the reason for this message is NOT to give you a discourse on the battle of
the sexes. I'm neither an expert in this kind of things, nor in leading an
abstinent life. Why should giving up sex be unhealthy? From the physical
point of view, I'm almost sure that there can't be any harm because even if
I bowed to biology's rule and tried to "spread my genes", it could take
extremely long to succeed.
Of course, this is the male point of view. The problem is that the male
sexual drive can be very urgent - even annoying. Every now and then human
bodies long for a relieving dopamine shot. To be frank, I don't think Mother
Nature was too clever to create sex this way. I would like to get rid of all
this sexual stuff in favor of getting additional energy resources for other
areas of my life. We all know that staying abstinent is not easy to achieve.
One of the reasons why I came across your web site was that I've been
searching for a long time for scientific support. My question is what the
psychological consequences of long-term abstinence are and whether it's
worth to give it a try. How could it influence my mental or emotional state,
stress tolerance or other parts of my personality? Can there be drawbacks?
Unfortunately, modern research doesn't seem to be keen on yielding answers.
It's almost impossible to find information on the Internet not being
religiously or otherwise ideologically motivated. Nobody but me seems to be
interested. Concerning sex, you once said 'Biology has us deeply
hypnotized...', Marnia. You're right. Shame on science!
According to your web site, trying to keep one's own dopamine level low can
be a stressful experience. Unfortunately, I'm having more than enough stress
at work. In one of your messages to me, you described my life style as being
wasteful with my life force energy. Call me selfish, Marnia, but I think
that I deserve some kind of reward if I save this energy. Okay, there are
some small hints at your web site ("...celibacy can be rewarding...", the
report on the Oneida community,...) and that's more than you can find on the
rest of the Internet. However, it's not really satisfying. Some of my
friends call me an odd fellow - and I even agree with them at times.
However, it's hard to believe that my ideas appear to be that strange.
I wish you all the best