Just an update-- on stopping porn etc.

Submitted by Allowing on
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Hi again, it's been a while since I've posted, so I just want to pop in and say HI since I'm now experiencing the long-term effects of NO masturbation/ejaculation. I'm forever single it seems, but it doesn't bother me *that* much anymore, and with age I may be "spiritually" more interestet in pursuing a (friendly) close relationship which I do miss. I haven't masturbated to porn in several months (1/2 year?), but every once in a while I get a wet dream. Last time was just after christmas (possibly the christmas food, and spending time with female friends..), but then I had two in two nights! Interestingly I don't notice the dopamine drop, though. What I do notice is the oxytocin bliss slowly coming back (which I usually only would experience following orgasm) from daily life: I'm more interestet in spending time with friends, exercise, enjoying good food, taking up activities I've forgotten about, especially enjoying good music, travelling, I sleep less.
One "odd" thing: at times I'm crying recklessly to moving music, which I haven't done before, but it feels very soothing to me.. !

This "stopping porn" journey doesn't take 14 days *for me*, as others have noticed it takes probably a YEAR or so of NO porn, to transform yourself. And Actually wet dreams does not reset the whole thing, I seem to power through anyway! (they do happen rarely now)
Biggest three things I've found helpful for "breaking free" or whatever:
1) GETTING OUT and socializing, travelling.
2) Exercise - use up the excess energy until you can control the beast!
3) clean diet -no inflammatory foods, excess proteins etc.

Looking forward to the day I can enjoy a relationship! Take care.

Thanks for posting your success

It has been a while since you posted. Good to hear you're doing well.

I'll second the notion that it takes more than a few weeks to get over porn. I've been porn free since September. I started on my quest in May. It hasn't felt like that long ago any more, although the journey itself has felt like ages.

That said, while I'm "free" of porn, it's triggers are still residing in my brain, ready to fire up at will. I still have days where I have to focus more to stay away from the old stomping grounds. I still find myself looking at pictures of alluring females when I can, I just go to far lighter websites for it, places where I enjoy certain hobbies. In essence, trying to "get rid" of the temptation of porn simply isn't possible.

One needs to just accept who they are, while also accepting their limitations. I will forever have a lusty eye for the fairer sex, but I don't have to let it go nearly as far as I once did. That has been the key for me. Another poster asked the question of what qualifies as porn and what is merely adult entertainment. In my mind, the question is largely irrelevant. I know what I can take, and based on many years of extensive, personal research, I know that most of what I looked at was just porn. There was no "adult" involved in how I used the commodity. Whether it's different for other individuals or not is also largely irrelevant.

But the extra energy has been spent on better things, and I too have been more sociable, more outgoing. I had someone note a few days ago that I had a very positive aura about me, and that it was in stark contrast to my past persona. I like that.

Sure, no girlfriend either, but at times I wonder if it's truly the right time. It seems recovery involves far more than just achieving balance. We've achieved that, but there's still the repair work to be done with the other aspects of our lives that have been damaged or lost at sea due to the wreckage. A mate would probably just throw things out of balance again. Or rather, finding one that was willing to accept the same road that we're all choosing to take would be quite difficult.

Good times. Take care. Good luck on your continued journey.

I have had similar experiences with

having wet dreams, assuming they may occur in part due to not masturbating and not having a sexual relationship right now, although I am in an early relationship where we are practicing non-goal orientated touch. I have also had the experience of having two in two nights, and even two in one night. Then, will go three weeks with nothing. Not sure if there is a pattern but I have been unable to figure one out as of yet. I am currently working on strengthening the PC muscle to see if that helps.

In my experience,

eating either too late at night, or too much at night, or too rich or stimulating (especially protein foods as mentioned above, or refined sugar) foods at night...is just asking for trouble!

Another data point...

[quote=Marnia]The "dream orgasm" mystery is one of the biggest ones in this process. All clues are welcome...even if they mystery is never "solved." ;-)[/quote]

I'm certainly not going to solve it for you, but I don't think I've ever had a wet dream. Maybe because I masturbate nearly every day. But I did have one (that I specifically remember) dream orgasm when I was a teen. Most of the time in dreams, I might get some beginning good feelings, but the dream drops away from it and goes somewhere else so I never "finish." One time I actually had an orgasm in a dream, full on. I caused me to wake up, and I was so sure I'd really done it, but when I felt for the wetness, I was dry. I have no clue what did it. But it was the only time that happened to me.

Though, one other time it nearly did, but I woke up and found out my wife was stimulating me. Only time she ever did that too. So it wasn't the dream that was causing it. It just worked with the feeling.

Excuse the rabbit trail in the thread.

*smile*

Cute story.

Your experience has been confirmed by other frequent masturbators who say they weren't "wet dreamers" either.

m78 Many of you above

m78

Many of you above commented on how you do not have significant others in your lives. I was wondering if it is something you intend or if you simply have not found people your attracted to or interested in.

I know as I continue to abstain from p/m for only a short period of time, women seem to be quite available for the taking should I choose to seek them out. Isn't that the case for you?

Hi michael,

I'm finding that quite a challenge. They are avaliable for the talking, yes, but I'm not sure how to take that next step, or what that step is. It has been maybe more than 11 YEARS since I asked a girl whom I genuinely like to come out with me. I only had one girlfriend after the breakup with my ex, and that woman came after me, so i can't count that as an example of me knowing 'what to do'.

I do meet ladies that I feel an inclination for, but I just don't know how to overcome the fear barrier. The fear is that they might say no, or politely excuse themselves which is just a nice way of saying no. I'm scared of looking like an idiot.

I have been abstinent now for 12 days. P&M was always just a substitute for contact with real women, I used it to get through the bleak times following the break-up with my ex. So now I find that as I automatically 'block' my mind from thoughts of porn and masturbation, that thoughts of women in the real world start to flow in (I do not block them, I feel them to be healthy and normal). As my sense of frustration grows I sense that I will eventually not be able to bear it anymore and will push through the fear, and start asking girls out again. That's my plan, anyway.

helpful to see the many

helpful to see the many replies/experiences. Regarding why I do not have a girlfriend/wife, I can relate to some of "rivers" comments. I probably need to avoid orgasm for a long time, to build up that NEED, to overpower whatever genetic/environmental shortage/"defect" I'm meeting the world with.. it's hard to answer for sure, so if more people could chime in on this.

river says: "It has been maybe more than 11 YEARS since I asked a girl whom I genuinely like to come out with me."

oh You DOG! I have NEVER asked anyone out LOL. it's just ridiculous to see that on print. I've been in love (you know, love at 1st sight, insomnia, "wife material", butterflies etc. and the girl returning with clues and looks even *I* could intercept haha) maybe twice or three times in 3 decades. And all girls had loving boyfriends, I wonder if that's weirdly part of causing my interest (knowing that it couldn't be anyway), although I REALLY felt strong emotions for them. So I don't fall in love easily, but quoting Elton John: "We All Fall In Love Sometimes". ...

One last (honest) note: I should get my s*it together soon: these years I'm a "happy camper", but not sure if this'll continue for another 30 years. I don't wanna end up as a grumpy old man who just hates women, because they won't leave their boyfriends for me, or whatever. I can honestly vaguely "feel" that sensation lurk (I know; crazy), feeding on itself.

Ease in

[quote=Allowing]I have NEVER asked anyone out LOL. it's just ridiculous to see that on print.[/quote]

I was once in the same place, and I was also quite good at falling in love from a distance. I could live out whole relationships in my head, it was emotionally a lot safer that way :) Transferring that to the real world seemed impossible to me, there was this barrier in my head, a kind of lock-down that happened whenever a hint of a possibility arose.

But after years of being single, various factors combined to help me stumble into a real relationship. I heartily recommended getting one, so I second the motion to get your s*it together soon Wink Online dating would be a good way to 'ease in'.

time_for_change

Good question

Not sure there's a simple answer, but here are some ramblings on the subject. Smile The main focus of the Reuniting community vis a vis porn has been to support the men who want to stop using it, for whatever reason. They seem to like to climax ;-), so we haven't spent a lot of time discussing porn without climax. That said, almost all recovering porn users have tried your technique (porn without climax) and found it wasn't helpful, because they were soon climaxing again. Is this just because, in them, p/m/o are wired so tightly in their brains that any of these serves as a cue for the others? Dunno.

Everything affects the brain, and porn is a more powerful stimulus than any other media we can think of. It wires sexual arousal to porn images, which can burn themselves into the brain. (In contrast, having some wine may activate your reward circuitry, but images of wine bottles don't burn themselves into your memory and serve as powerful triggers.)

I suspect that porn alone becomes a powerful addiction for some people. Certainly porn is very compelling. Apparently today's youngsters are virtually all using porn. This isn't true of any other "recreational drug." Climaxes likely play a role in getting some hooked, due to the hidden cycle of orgasm.

Of course, not everyone is equally susceptible to addiction. Some people don't get addicted even to very addictive things, such as heroin and cocaine. Reward circuitry vulnerability varies, but it is well to keep in mind that long-term use or escalating use may cause someone who wasn't hooked before to become hooked over time.

The real question, it seems to me, is "Is porn affecting my perception/state of mind in ways that potentially harm my relationships?" I think this question is critical because it turns out that close, trusted companionship and regular affectionate touch are more effective "well-being medication" than sexual arousal/orgasm. This is easy to miss, because the latter experiences register as so much more "valuable" in the reward circuitry of the brain.

Figuring out if porn is desensitizing one to health-giving intimacy is not so easy. Have you experimented with long periods of porn versus no porn? Even then, it can be hard to see the shift in yourself...although the shifts may be perfectly evident to those close to you (even if they don't know about your porn use).

Linking porn images to arousal can put you "in your mental movie theater" at times when it would be really nice to be fully present with your sweetheart. Heavy porn use also seems to correlate with things like more isolation, less feeling of connection with others, less looking others in the eye, seeing women differently (noticing only their secondary sexual characteristics Wink rather than their smiles), and even a certain...callousness. For example, one site member who uses a lot of porn without ejaculating wanted to make the point you are. When people here disagreed with him, he began writing pornographic descriptions of what he was watching, without regard for those who were endeavoring to avoid porn. He wasn't thinking very clearly, even though he was sure porn had no ill effects on him.

Anyone else?

I do not know if I can

I do not know if I can separate the two. Porn and orgasm. I never tried till recently to do that. During this process of quitting both of those I tried it a few times. Tried just porn. Tried porn with masturbation but no orgasm. Tried masturbation no porn. A few other things it all led to me masturbating to porn for hours till I had an orgasm/ejaculated. It always ended that way till this last attempt to stop. Now I have not been perfect on the masturbation side this past 45 days. I have given in to urges twice to masturbate but managed to stop myself before orgasm or porn. It was very hard and I nearly last control both times. It has been 18 days since the last time I masturbated that way.
I am not going to give it a try now. I have been without porn for 45+ days. I know it has made a difference in my perception. I can say that even though I used porn a lot. When I say a lot it would have been hard for anyone to view more porn than I did over the last 15 years. Hours and hours a day every day with very few days missed. You say you like to look at porn. I liked to viewing it also. whether just still images or videos. I had 1000s of images I would just put on slide show 1 sec intervals. To be honest though I do not know if it was the orgasms or the porn or both that caused all my social problems. I think it is a combination of the two. I think either will cause problems. Put them both together and you have a real mess. I do not believe that you can use either of these and not be affected socially. To give an example. I work with a lot of guys older than me. I know they have talked about sex a lot the whole time I have worked with them. Now though the talk is really starting to bother me. It hurts to hear some of the things they say. I was never bothered before. They have not changed the way they talk about sex and women. It is me that has changed. It never effected me before. Now they are starting to piss me off with comments they make and how they view women. It is hard to describe or explain really. I just know I do not want to hear the crap any more. I listened to this stuff for over 2 years and never really cared. Now it bothers me a great deal. So that is one thing that has changed in me. The other is the way I carry myself. I walk with more confidence. I feel better about myself. I do not feel like isolating myself as much as I did in the past. Well actually the longer I go without porn the more the desire to be with a women is increasing. It is starting to get almost uncomfortable. I am not sure how to deal with these new feelings sometimes. I am getting myself back in school for another thing. I am doing it now instead of talking. It will be awhile before I can get back to school but I am already working on it. I am starting to work very hard at getting some other aspects of my life fixed. It will take just a little while but I will be straight in my finances. I was not working on any of this or even cared too before I started this process.

I guess what I am saying is that I think porn affects you in a very negative way. I also think the same about orgasm. You put the two of them together and it is very bad. Or even any combination, even if you do not do them together. If you are using both it is going to effect you negatively or at least they affect me negatively. I just do not see any way around these two things doing that to someone. I know some men claim to use one or the other, or some combination, and they are fine. I think they should try going without either for 60 to 90 days, and see what they think. I do not care about the past. I am wondering how it would affect each of them from today onward.

Maybe not everyone is affected as much as me, but I do not think anyone is immune to either the effects of porn or orgasm. OK there are some of my ramblings and thoughts. I am not going back to porn. I do not plan to go back to masturbation. Orgasms are going to be near impossible to avoid for ever so I will just have to learn to deal with them when they happen. I am going for as few orgasms as possible though.

Be Safe
James

I conform everythging you said.

Well, this is my day 32 now. (Of no orgasm)
for 27 days, I completely avoided porn/orgasms & I felt a lot of improvement (All the benefits James has described above)
Then I tried watching porn to check if I can "transmute" this sex desire.... I watched it for hours after that.. Then I tried masturbating with porn/ without porn... I never had an orgasm but I noticed that my pre-cum isn't clear (It was milky) & there was a lot of reduction in the good feelings I was having. I have now decided that use of porn itself is also bad.
In another thread, I asked that just before orgasm, dopamine level boosts... so if we don't orgasm, we can have benefits of that increased dopamine.
But I have experimented about that now & I can conclude that It doesn't work that way.
I have a question though... is my dopamine cycle restarted again?
I was in pre-orgasmic state (Almost orgasm but only pre-cum) for more than 20 mins... Will I have to wait for 2 weeks to have all the benefits again?

Well, here is an update..

I observed myself for any changes.. But I think I "recovered" in a day!
The parameter I am using to judge myself is Urge to masturbate/have orgasm.
When I used to masturbate regularly, I had it very strong, out of control urge that was gone after two weeks.
It is difficult to compare how I feel now with how I was feeling at 23rd day.
But I think I am still safe.
I know I am writing vaguely.. I am busy these days.. ( I have always been busy actually.. But I wasn't having enough concentration on my tasks)
I will write detailed post afterwards.
I still keep visiting this community twice a day to read how other members are doing.. kind of helps me to keep myself in sync.
Thank you,
Regards,
Anonymous

Hey

Wet dreams are not a problem. I've not masturbated for years, and have wet dreams. They don't cause the cycle that waking orgasms do. Don't worry about them, they're natural and your body's way of giving you a release. They tend to be synchronised to the lunar cycles, so occur around full and new moons. They're like the male version of women's menstrual cycles.