During interactions with my mom I repeat that under my breath almost unconsciously. I catch myself saying it. Then I notice that I don't take care of myself around her and my depression is increasing from day to day. (6 days without O's now)
I tapped today on "Even though I have this cloud of oppression around me in this house, I deeply and completely love and accept myself." But, I think this is some heavy stuff and I think that THAT sentence didn't accurately hone in on the issues for me because I didn't feel much of a change at all. I think it might be more effective for me to tap on how angry I feel for the unloving behavior that my mother exibits toward me. I begin to feel suicidal ideations and self harming thoughts around her after those times. This time the suicidal thoughts and stuff are more along the lines of "I'm tired" "I just wanna quit life".
I don't want to blame anyone and I don't want anyone to be the reason I come out of my funk either or do it FOR me. If you really think about that sentence (which to me doesn't seem to make a whole lot of sense at first), it encapsulates the whole aggression dynamic and victim dynamic ... and the pushing and pulling away....and the ebrace me, but fear intimacy too that people go through.
I don't know what I'm saying.
Another thing I keep unconsciously repeating is... "No respect" and that's what I notice and strkingly so about reuniting relationships which feels so good; RESPECT. (I am overly sensitive to sarcasm and I feel very fragile right now, so please no one respond with the reference to the Reba Mac Entire song or Arithra Franklin.)
Oh yes...and I see more clearly how the "sabotage" comes into play with her. It's all MY fault that she does what she does. It's all MY fault. She acts out of total unconsciousness and I re-act to it...because of the ungenuine nature of it...and then she feels bad and blames me, and calls me arrogant....and I don't ever get understood in the process and then... next thing I know she's hurting me in some way...and why? Because I deserve it, right? She's getting back at me for being a bitch, I guess. I just want out of here.
I tried to help her with eating well....and she wanted it...but she fought me at every change...and ...I'm tired. I just wanna take care of me...but she is...mean... ... no body thinks she is... but she is mean to me.