"I have never felt SO Unloved."

Submitted by Daffy Duck on
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During interactions with my mom I repeat that under my breath almost unconsciously. I catch myself saying it. Then I notice that I don't take care of myself around her and my depression is increasing from day to day. (6 days without O's now)

I tapped today on "Even though I have this cloud of oppression around me in this house, I deeply and completely love and accept myself." But, I think this is some heavy stuff and I think that THAT sentence didn't accurately hone in on the issues for me because I didn't feel much of a change at all. I think it might be more effective for me to tap on how angry I feel for the unloving behavior that my mother exibits toward me. I begin to feel suicidal ideations and self harming thoughts around her after those times. This time the suicidal thoughts and stuff are more along the lines of "I'm tired" "I just wanna quit life".

I don't want to blame anyone and I don't want anyone to be the reason I come out of my funk either or do it FOR me. If you really think about that sentence (which to me doesn't seem to make a whole lot of sense at first), it encapsulates the whole aggression dynamic and victim dynamic ... and the pushing and pulling away....and the ebrace me, but fear intimacy too that people go through.

I don't know what I'm saying.

Another thing I keep unconsciously repeating is... "No respect" and that's what I notice and strkingly so about reuniting relationships which feels so good; RESPECT. (I am overly sensitive to sarcasm and I feel very fragile right now, so please no one respond with the reference to the Reba Mac Entire song or Arithra Franklin.)

Oh yes...and I see more clearly how the "sabotage" comes into play with her. It's all MY fault that she does what she does. It's all MY fault. She acts out of total unconsciousness and I re-act to it...because of the ungenuine nature of it...and then she feels bad and blames me, and calls me arrogant....and I don't ever get understood in the process and then... next thing I know she's hurting me in some way...and why? Because I deserve it, right? She's getting back at me for being a bitch, I guess. I just want out of here.

I tried to help her with eating well....and she wanted it...but she fought me at every change...and ...I'm tired. I just wanna take care of me...but she is...mean... ... no body thinks she is... but she is mean to me.

DD

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When ...

she is around... my aunt and uncle... and they come over... she adopts this "Hey Girl! Can you pick up my prescriptions at CVS." Her attitude is just like her sister... (she only treats me like that around her sister and brother) I said "Yeah." She says all business like out loud "Ok. Thanks." Well, if you knew my mom you would know that it would normally be very hard for her to ask me that much less expect that I do it. But, either way it goes... when she's not around anyone else... she views me as her agressor and "the reason she can't express what she wants" and so she gets sabotaging as a way to "get me back" and then when she's around her sister she literally treats me like she has a "servant" in the house. Now this fucking game wouldn't be any fun without ME here, ya know. This game wouldn't serve any purpose without an audience either.

Shit.

Whichever way you slice it.... it ain't ever about anybody else but her. But then again... isn't that the nature of relationships here on planet earth? This is all so tiring and useless. What a God Damned game this all is. I'm no better than she is.

Yes, and no

[quote=Daffy]it ain't ever about anybody else but her. But then again... isn't that the nature of relationships here on planet earth?[/quote]In proportion to how much love a person has within themselves, not feeling dependent on 'getting' love from some other place (ie another person), to that extent can someone truly give love without expecting anything in return (which is what unconditional love is). So while your above statement holds true for codependent relationships (and there are elements of codependency in most relationships, whether between partners or family members), it does not hold true for truly healthy relationships (which are still pretty rare on the earth).
[quote=Daffy]What a God Damned game this all is. I'm no better than she is.[/quote]Be careful with absolute statements like that, Daffy. 'No better'? Although I don't feel that comparisons of who is 'better' than someone else are useful for our state of mind, let me tell you: You are way different to your mom. I have had enough interactions with you to know by now. The problem for you is not that you are incapable of giving; you are very able to give (recall the last few days to a week). Your issue is that of boundaries, I feel. You need to learn what healthy relating is (and by gosh, so do many of us, myself included). In a healthy relationship (and I've not witnessed many) both sides give from abundance (an abundance of love - within), they do not feel a sense of constant 'lack'. Unfortunately for you, your mom appears to be sort of stuck in a pattern of taking from those around her to fill her own sense of lack, and you, dear Daffy, seem to just keep giving to her, in the (perhaps unconscious) hope that she is going to love you back in the way you want. So while neither yourself or your mom are acting in a healthy way in the context of your relating with each other, there is a vast gulf between you and her as well. Because I and others here have witnessed how you are able to give; not just to your mother (despite all her mistreatment of you in the past and present), but to others as well (your work as a healer using EFT, your supportiveness to others here in this forum). For me you are like a beacon of light, showing me how even someone wounded by much in life can nevertheless take those experiences, and use them for the betterment of both wisdom and compassion. You inspire me, and that is why I said above that 'you are way different to your mom'.

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Thank you River...

I feel much gratitude for what you've said here...

thank you for your kind words...

Hugs... DD

Will you accept a hug, Daffy?

Will you accept a hug from me, Daffy?*hug hug* You could be describing my relationship with my mother. Although the dynamic is somewhat different for me, and the details differ, of course, it is basically the same way between me and her. She thinks of me as an extention of herself. She has no idea that I am a different person...at all. I hate to say this, but the only thing that helped me was to get away from her. She used her problems (with health, etc) and my concern for her to keep me trapped and emeshed. In doing that, she was forcing me to mother her...inverting the roles of mother/child. I finally had to say to myself "she is responsible for her own problems, and I have to take care of myself. that doesn't mean that I don't love her, but she is like a drowning person, who is going to drown me in an effort to save herself, and I can't let her do that." My mother made me more promises than I can tell you to take steps to correct her own life, but she never really meant to keep any of them. It was just a way for her to keep me hooked and emeshed. For me, the only thing that finally worked was to cut off all communication with her. My mother is such that if I give her an inch, she will take a mile. Even now, 20 years later, I have to be very careful that I don't allow her to take control of my life. And if her feelings get hurt because I won;t accept a gift, or money or help from her, well, that is her problem, not mine. That may sound harsh, but I could not let my "drowning" mother pull me down with her and drown me also. This is my life, not hers, and I don't owe it to her to give up my life because she had such a shitty, rotten, horrible childhood (which she did).

So great big hugs, Daffy. Hang in there. The thought "I don't want to live anymore" is an incomplete. What the Self is really trying to say to you is "I don't want to live LIKE THIS anymore!"

Living well is the best revenge *evil grin*

p.s.

Suicidal urges are a sign from the Self to the ego that the way the person is living is wrong for them. Suicidal urges are actually an impulse toward a different life, or a different kind of life, or a different way of living that the ego finds unacceptable for some reason.

Living well is the best revenge *evil grin*

Thank you Sapphire and Mania...

Your hugs are gratefully accepted and Sapphire thank you for relating to me on these mother issues. I know very well how similar we are...because I've read your blogs. (deep in thought, long pause)

Thank you Marnia. The reminders are priceless.

Now, wanna hear something crazy? I actually have been offered a chance to interview for the head administrator of a private school in an economically secure environment. I hope no one is laughing at me and thinking... how in the world would crazy Daffy get a job opportunity like that? Well, I applied for a very insignificant (depends on how you look at it) and they turned me down and asked if I wanted to interview for the head administrator...and they... said ... it was because of my resume'. Even if I don't get it, I'm honored to have been considered.

I spent from 21 -35 at a single school teaching music and language arts mostly..and tons of other things... but... I used to put on productions, several a year. Well... tonight I'm going to this particular schools winter production. I'm just going to show up 'cause it seems right to do so.

Wish me luck.

DD

Daffy,

no need to be content with 'just being considered'...go for that job, girl, not only because you deserve it (and you most CERTAINLY do), but also because you have a DUTY to contribute your talents and abilities to wider society. Time to shine, DD. :)

Quote:"I have never felt SO

[quote]"I have never felt SO Unloved"....During interactions with my mom I repeat that under my breath almost unconsciously[/quote]
damn, I hate that shit....I do it all the time...just fucks ME up.
If my internal self talk does not make me smile (or lead to action).....it is bullshit! I am trying all the time to stop the mental jacking off. For me, it's worse than orgasm.
Best Wishes and much love

Well........

once I am not so unconscious of what is happening with the interactions with my mom and once I can become more conscious of my feelings behind my reactions to the situations with her... then the suicidal ideations and the feelings to hurt myself vanish.

For example... last night I talked with CuriousFellow about the situation and I expressed how COVERT/HIDDEN/UNCONSCIOUS my mom is, herself, about her own intentions and expressing her feelings. MOST 100% of the time there's an unconscious motive attached to it.

(My father walked around the house muttering 'always got a motive'. And he was referring to my mother.)

This unconsciousness is because of not being able to be empathic with herself regarding her own needs, desires, and wants. So when I am around her and she becomes "deeply unconscious" then I am thrown also into deep unconsciousness and have a very hard time sorting out what is happening. I react to her words that don't, on the surface, seem or appear VIOLENT but in fact they are experienced as violent to me.

CuriousFellow either has a blog on Non-Violent Communication or wrote posts on someone else's about Non-Violent Communcation and I was conveying to him some things I saw in my situation that mirrored the concepts in NVC. The one who appears VIOLENT by being REACTIONARY, or turning it inward in the form of self hate ... is not necessarily the violent one...and the one who seems or appears to be the pacifist is actually the most violent.

One of the claims of Non-Violent Communication (Marshall Rosenberg) is that once the individual believes he has been heard ...the violence is over. So, to prove this... when CuriousFellow LISTENED to the VERY COMPLICATED dynamics inherrent to my situation with my mom, the result was one of profound peace for me. Just the act of someone wanting to hear me, asking questions, listenng and resonating with me was enough. It left me with a very noticeable, profound inner peace. He had not done anything other than listen to me and the circumstances hadn't changed.

I agree that having those intensely negative thoughts going through my head are NOT good. But I haven't always been able to dispel them or put them in the right place or decipher where my boundaries were violated and implement boundaries where they needed to be.

Until I can see what is happening for what is is, or see it against the backdrop of truth within myself and sort it out... it would be untruthful for me to recite any other positive mantra out loud or to myself. For me, the truth of my being has to be uncovered by getting a shovel and digging through the shit. But because of my friends here willing to listen to me I'm now able to begin to see the shit coming and jump out of the way.

(One day I hope to not go into my self pity and enjoy getting in the shit and wallowing around in it ya know what I mean? I can wallow in it and dish it out, now can't I?) But honestly, I think that the more love that we can feel coming from another human being towards us and the more accceptance we feel... the more empowered we become when we see our own willingness to drop the 'ACT', drop the drama and get out of and clean ourselves off and find we are really shiny underneath. That's why I feel it has to be on our own terms, because it's for our own journey, our own discovery. It just really helps if there's someone there with us when we get up the courage to reach out.

A long time ago, God told me at about 11 years old that "Truth is NEVER wrong. Even if that truth seems like negative truth or not so pretty or acceptable. " Someone who's mom feels aggressive towards him/her because she does not understand or like the child cannot come to terms with the fact that "mom doesn't like me." The level of betrayal that a child can feel having to come to terms with the fact that my mommy/daddy don't see me for who I am, or who are childish themselves and are not there for me is catastrophic in nature. This causes children to go unconscious to their own needs and to live a false self. That being said, my coming to grips with the true intentions of my own mother has happened only in the last 6 months and I never thought it was possible. I didn't.

I'm willing to experience EGO DEATH because the EGO is the part of me that feels that all of my STORIES are SOOOO important. I'm embarrassed by myself most of the time for having the childish, angry, suicidal complaining attitude going on that I do. It's only been recently that I even thought that anybody on earth would accept me or be in relatiionship with me, allowing me to show up just as I am. That is a major reason I wanted to leave this planet. Marnia and all of the people who struggle here with their own SHIT, and those who reached out to me at different times and to varying degress helped save my ass.

I'm grateful for the acceptance I've been able to feel here no matter what my crazy thoughts/feelings and behavior has been. What this soul has been missing all along is a community of people who would show up, being ruthlessly honest themselves, and accept me no matter what, too. (I'd listen to any of you before I would listen to a psychologist or preacher any day - and I'm NOT joking. )

Daffy

Daffy, that is one of the

Daffy, that is one of the most beautiful things I have ever read. It is beautiful because you are beautiful...a beautiful soul who graces us with her presense, and who it is a joy to be around. I thank God for your presense here on Earth. We need people like you in the world, Daffy. Please always remember that !

Living well is the best revenge *evil grin*