Cryptic language and masturbation

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Submitted by Marnia on
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[from a reader, posted with permission]

I have just finished reading your book "Peace Between the Sheets." Most of it rings
true to me. There are, however, some things I need to ask about so that I can get
the full benefit of the book.

1. What exactly is a valley orgasm? The term was broached, but no explanation given.
I'd like to know what it is like so that I can compare it to my current orgasm state. A
description of it would be helpful.

2. You used some rather cryptic language when talking about energy and hearts. For example:

Visualize sacred energy flowing between you.
Breathe through your heart
Draw energy up your spine
Send loving energy

I don't know what any of this means! How do you breathe through your heart? How do you send energy to another person? I've come across this language in various books on self-development but have never gotten an explanation of how to accomplish these things. Do you have an explanation of how to do them?

3. Are there any exchanges for single people who are struggling with masturbation addiction? There was a quote in your book from a guy who had used some exercises to help him deal with his self-abusing compulsions. As I read through the book, I did not find anything that seemed to describe what he was talking about.

Cryptic language and masturbation

Thanks for writing. The vagueness about "valley orgasm" is intentional. There are two reasons for this. First the search for ANY type of orgasm ignites hunger in the brain, which equates with more dopamine (and less satisfaction). Second, I don't thing that the valley orgasm is something people can force by any means (although if you want other people's advice on "how to" you can take a look at Mantak Chia's "Taoist Secrets of Love: Cultivating Male Sexual Energy.")

The real message of my book is that the gifts that can come from union are dependent not on thrills, but on deepening oneness...and the brain chemical shifts that accompany it. So the key vehicle is a harmonious relationship as opposed to...well...jollies. I threw in the valley orgasm as encouragement, or documentation, that switching to making love this other way can be quite pleasurable. But the "valley orgasm" isn't the goal...overcoming alienation between the sexes is. That's our first task, and striving for ANY intense state of mind or body with our wills unfortunately carries us away from that. Mystical states of union are usually experienced as a "melting into each other" in a totally carefree, non-goal-oriented state (that's foreign to our Western programming). So it's best to forget the valley orgasm, and just allow yourself to heal together naturally. Then deeper union and greater satisfaction also come naturally.

"Breathing through your heart" is a visualization exercise. Imagine that as you inhale the air goes into your heart, and is then expelled from your heart. It sounds odd, but when I do it, I actually feel my emotions shift to more loving ones. Have you tried it? Try it a few times. You may feel something too. This question reminds me of my early discussions with others about the Mantak Chia book, which I mentioned above. It contains an exercise called, "Testicle Breathing." Most of my well-educated, intellectual friends who read that said, "That's impossible; I can't draw the semen up through my body by breathing!" and of course they're right as a matter of physiology. But a Jamaican friend with a sixth-grade education didn't know that, so when he tried it, he could feel the energy move right up his spine. Sometimes logic gets in the way. Smile

All the phrases you asked about should be handled the same way, that is, by using your imagination and confidence. There's no "wrong" way to do them, so trust that you're doing them right. If you repeat them a few times you may feel energy move in ways you hadn't before, or in ways that you HAD, but just never thought of in those terms. The key concept is to recognize that you have electricity that connects you with others. By becoming more conscious of that current, you shift your focus from the strictly-physical to a more encompassing experience.

Of course it's possible to experience a deep, loving connection with someone without ever feeling magical currents of energy, and that may be your path. That's why the book contains lots of techniques. Some people will relate best to certain ones; others will find different ones more helpful, or even design their own. Not all the techniques even work for me! And my husband related better to some of the activities than I did, and not at all to others.

As we have found, and as the couple on my website who described their experience with the Exchanges found, ANY exercise done by lovers that is giving and not goal-oriented becomes an "Exchange," and you can easily design or substitute your own as you see what works best. The book merely saves you time by including various suggestions and ways to focus your attention--while your body and brain are reorienting your nervous system to an alternative response to sexual arousal.

The details aren't so important. The keys to Phase I of the Exchanges are really: nightly contact, "giving" frame of mind, and avoiding the conventional heat-up-and-explode model (which would throw you into hangover and separation), while you go through a two-week transition (or withdrawal) period. That's a lot more fun than it sounds, because you're engaged in very affectionate, physical contact...and giggling a lot. Then Phase II is about putting yourself on a schedule, so you can see what it's like to SUSTAIN this approach. In other words, the "breathe through your heart" instructions are secondary. The key is giving yourselves a safe space to lay down a new habit.

The best cure for masturbation is contact with the opposite sex. Even a professional massage, or friendly companionship, helps a lot. Of course, it's especially effective if it is accompanied by hugs, holding hands, helping each other with a project, sharing cooking a meal, or an exchange of foot massages. If that's not an option yet, don't get discouraged. The exercise mentioned in the book can be found in the middle of page 38 (and on page 189 "Circulate Energy"). This exercise is appropriate for single people who are coping with sexual frustration, and useful as a technique while making love. (A good reason to practice it while you're on your own.)

Cutting back on masturbation can really help you attract a partner, but the final cure is union. So don't get discouraged if you don't have a perfect record on your own. My hubby didn't manage to stop until we began our relationship with the Exchanges, as recounted in the book. Then he went "cold turkey," and is still smiling years later. It's truly amazing that we high-libido folks have this satisfying "loophole" in our primitive programming.

I hope you find an open-minded partner willing to try this idea with you before long. Harmony in intimate relationships is very refreshing!

I didn't mean to write another book, but...