I've had enough...

Submitted by hadenough on
Printer-friendly version

hello.

i'm hadenough, and i have a sexual addiction. it has been 5 days since i last masturbated.

i guess i'll start at the beginning, and really truly hope this is anon.

my sexual experiences began at age 9 with an older girl. she was the instigator (though to be fair, no doubt just very curious herself about sex). from that, i began having dry orgasms on a regular basis, and then fully masturbating from about age 11. i'd jerk off many times in a row in bed, pretty much most every night, using my imagination in ways that i guess only an inexperienced boy could.

at around 18 the internet arrived and my masturbation moved from my bed to in front of the computer, having cyber sex and looking at porn. my first "girlfriend" was a girl on the other side of the world, and i spent hours and hours cybering with her.

for me, much as the porn is a big part of it, so is the words... the mental image as well as the visual image.

when i finally met a real girl, even when we were "at it like rabbits", i would still use the Net to jerk off, even basically right after having had sex (not with her knowledge). the pictures and topics that i have been exposed to over the years have lead to a lot of unrealistic expectations in my relationship. although we are still together after 11 years, i struggle to give her my sexual attention because my mind would rather be online in a fantasy, rather than with her. this is complicated further because she, by her own admission, could "do without sex"; only really being interested once a month at best.

when i have tried in the past to give the masturbation up, i haven't told her... i then unfairly get annoyed when she spurns my advances, wondering why she is turning me down when i have given up jerking off in the hope of being more interested in her. (and as an aside, no, even this time i have not told her what i am doing... which i know i should... but one thing at a time)

i calculate that i've probably masturbated at least 15,000 times in my life. in the past 12 months i've only had sex/made love 12 times. at this point in time, i can't imagine not having the release of the 450 or so (at least 1 per night, and sometimes in the morning) self-handled orgasms that i currently enjoy each year.

i say "enjoy"... but of course more often than not once the orgasm has been, i am hating myself for having spent SO much time working up to it, and talking about/looking at such filth... (feel like i should be on Dr Phil with words like that). i would easily spend 2 hours every night chatting/looking at porn before having an orgasm. that's 14 hours a week, minimum. i have so many things that i could and should be using that time for.

as i said at the start... i am 5 days without masturbation... i'm actually only 3 days without orgasm, as i made love to my wife on day 2... i am here on this site now because i've been finding it hard tonight especially to stop myself... so at least by sitting here for the past hour reading posts and writing this, i can now go to bed and count tomorrow as day 6 pornless...

i have found the reading here very useful and vindicating... over the past few weeks i've looked at sites such as Alcoholics/Sexaholics Anon... looking at the 12 step methodologies... (though finding them too god-fearing to be "me").

this is somewhat stream of thought, if you hadn't already noticed... so before i close, i just wanted to add - i have an obsessive nature... ie obsessive compulsive... whilst i've never thought to say that i HAVE ocd per se, i guess having a sexual addiction could indeed be labelled an obsessive compulsive disorder. to elaborate, for what it's worth perhaps to others here who may have the same nature - i clean my ears with q-tips twice a day... i put my shoes and socks on in a particular order... i always order the same food at restaurants... i avoid cracks in the pavement... i shave a particular way, shower a particular way, and obsess about television shows beyond normal fanship... i get obsessed with things, wanting to do them the right way... i just hope i can turn that compulsive nature now towards compulsively overcoming my addiction.

hope i haven't bored you all silly (those that got to the end) and that i've posted this in the right spot...

ta tah

hadenough
32m au

Welcome hadenough

Thanks for sharing your story, and good luck putting the brakes on. Smile Yes, everything really is anonymous, so you can relax on that front!

There's no easy way through recalibrating the brain...but it's looking like if you can go "cold turkey" for about 6 agonizing weeks...your brain returns to equilibrium. Restored balance can then show up in all sorts of areas of your life.

I think you're right that all compulsions have a lot in common at a brain level. They're just "loops" that our neurons set up. And if we want to stop a particular pathway from kicking us into autopilot, then we need to stay off of that pathway...and lay down an alternative.

If you haven't read the Doidge excerpts, you'll find them interesting. The whole book is pretty fascinating, and collects a lot of recent stories about neuroplasticity.

Excerpts related to porn and relationships: http://www.reuniting.info/node/1808

On OCD rewiring: http://www.reuniting.info/taxonomy/term/1193

You can also read an entire chapter from our recent book, which talks about porn recovery and brain rewiring: "The Road to Excess" http://www.reuniting.info/download/pdf/Cupid-Ch6.pdf

As for this site, I'm a former lawyer (and former atheist) and my husband teaches physiology and kinesiology (among other things). He has a passion for studying neurochemistry abstracts, especially those relevant to addiction, because he is a recovered addict himself.

This site did not start to help porn addicts. They showed up because we put up material about the effects of sex on the brain, and the parallels between the neurochemical cycle of orgasm (which is longer than most of us think) and the cycle of addiction. We did that because it fascinated us that recent neuroscience was starting to reveal certain parallels with ancient wisdom about managing sexual energy differently. We have lots of materials from lots of different traditions at this site. For me, they are strong evidence that humans have potential for managing sex differently, regardless of any spiritual beliefs (or lack thereof).

Keep us posted.

Welcome hadenough!

By good fortune, I stumbled across the information in this site while in the midst of an addiction to orgasm and porn. Well, it was due to more than just chance, I googled 'help porn addiction' and of all the sites that came up, this was one of only two that were non-religious in tone. After one and a half years of working on this, I am realizing that patience is needed, cos just as the addiction did not take root overnight, uprooting it also does not usually happen overnight either. But if a doctor told us that a medicine would take time to heal us, that it would not give instant results, would we walk away on that account? If we see the disadvantages of our condition, we will have an incentive to really change. For myself, things are at present far, far better than when I first began this work of healing, when I did not know what was really driving the addiction: Dopamine. I had been feeling very guilty, seeing myself as a 'dirty' kind of individual; I did not realize that my body was actually out of balance, hooked on huge bursts of a neurochemical that it produces itself. Its not so much about morality, as about neurochemistry!

I also have discovered that for some of us, balancing our neurochemistry alone might not be enough to completely eradicate the underlying causes of the addiction. I agree that Dopamine imbalance creates that 'runaway train' effect where one feels 'out of control', and that it is the 'driver'. But there could also be some psychological issues that need attention, that require healing in their own right. I have discovered that stabilizing my Dopamine levels helps greatly in tackling these psychological issues, however. With the subsidence of the 'haze' or 'spell' of addiction (that is how I perceive it), the mind clears enough to be better able to deal with the deeper, underlying issues. I am currently working on both at once.

Best of luck with your journey, which will be your own, and while having some general similarities with others, will nevertheless differ greatly in detail. If you find the religious tone and dependency of 12-step programs off-putting, you are in good company here. While persons of any (or no) religious persuasion are all welcome, I have found that this site focusses primarily on healing the addiction through greater self-awareness, based on neuroscience. Shame and guilt-trips are discouraged!
:)

Hi hadenough

Welcome to the site and thanks for sharing your story. I've been here a year or so and am in a much better place now than back then. You'll find lots of good information here and a community where people support each other, and don't tend to weigh in with heavy judgements... the goal is healing and the gift of this site is the chance to open up in a safe place in order to find how to heal yourself.

Good luck,
time_for_change

thank-you Marnia, River and

thank-you Marnia, River and time_for_change for your welcomes and support. it's greatly appreciated.

6 days without porn, 4 without orgasm...

kind of finding it hard to complete a sentence that i'm happy with at the moment so will just leave it at that for now.

except to say - nope, can't get that right either. :}

ta tah

hadenough

--
hour later... playing mind games with myself... Angel and Devil on each shoulder... thought that only happened to Homer/Fred/George... (Simpson/Flinstone/Jetson). Choosing to go to bed instead and go to sleep. Come on day 7.

Yeah I know what you mean

Yeah I know what you mean about trying to form sentences. Some times you just feel like your brain does not work right in the beginning. That will pass though :). For me the more I write and share on here the easier things get. I Have thought sometimes I write too much but I no longer think that is true. After reading that article earlier about the dopamine receptors I now understand why writing and reading here helps me so much. http://www.reuniting.info/node/3320 take a look at it if you have not.
I know it sounds old but I will say it like so many others have before. It will get easier. It sucks at times but it gets easier just stick with it.

Wishing you well
Be Safe

Fallen

I guess the reason it's called an addiction... and the reason people find it hard to break addictions... is because - well, it's an addiction. I get the urge to quote some dictionary at this point, but instead will just get to the point of saying that I fell, but have picked myself up again. Actually worse, I fell, and then justified staying off the little red wagon for another day, just cos it was the weekend and since I'd already slipped up once, better to slip another in before getting back on again.

Think I have another addiction, incidentally, being that of sugar, cos I feel like I'm gonna be sick after dosing up on m&ms... Self hatred showing itself as binge eating? Now I just sound melodramatic, but I could blame that on having just watched House; though in saying it, that's probably just deflection.

Over the past week... of coming here, and learning that it's not just an "addiction" - it's a series of chemical and neurological impulses/pathways that are ruling my existence... It's kind of like finding the proof of the non existence of god... No... that's not quite right... It's like when you learn about Santa. The puzzle pieces haven't changed, but the result looks different. I knew I had a problem, I knew it was deep set in my head.. I knew that I couldn't just tell myself to stop, and I would stop. I knew that. I'd tried, and never typically made it more than 1 day. (and I am proud that I made it a week without masturbating, off my own bat; the first time since forever) But I'd just seen it as this thing... the masturbation monster... I knew that even if i spent all day telling myself - i'll play Halo, I'll play mario, i'll do some editing, i'll watch the millions of episodes of tv shows ive been meaning to watch... i'll do ANYTHING tonight EXCEPT masturbate... i knew i'd still do it. But now... even though i've written (hs) essays on addiction... i just didn't know or appreciate the science...

it's kind of scary to realise that despite everything that we think we are... it ultimately all comes down to chemicals in our brains.

i've loaded myself up with lots to do tonight, so i think i'll be safe to be able to say tomorrow, that i didn't fall again, nor justify my actions in a manner that cannot be justified.

Yeah it is easy for the

Yeah it is easy for the addicted mind to do that. To say screw it you have already relapsed just get it out of your system. I have done that a lot. These recent relapse binge had some of that in it. That is going to happen.

The good thing is the more you resist the easier it gets. Again not easy just easier. There will be difficult times but over all it does get easier. I feel from my experience trying to break this addiction and from what I have read. That the resistance is cumulative. Resisting any length of time helps. The longer the better though :).

I have been kind of the opposite with spirituality thinking. Not really sure why. I just feel a lot more spiritual since I have been fighting this addiction than ever before in my life. Some of the things I have experienced have gone beyond just the chemicals. The science is good. I believe most of the science is right. I just no longer believe it is the whole story or picture :).

It is scary to face that you can not say I am going to stop and just stop. It is a difficult thing to deal with. I think you have to let that go somehow. I have not fully realised that thinking yet but I have gotten better at getting around it.

The binge on food is linked with this addiction and from what I have learned just linked to all addictions. I was doing great on my diet. During this latest relapse I had some relapse in my eating habits. I ate and drank some things I would not have done before the relapse.
I have both back on track now.

You sound good though. Things will work themselves out just keep reading and posting here. It is difficult but worth it.

Be Safe
James

Sugar

[quote=hadenough]Think I have another addiction, incidentally, being that of sugar, cos I feel like I'm gonna be sick after dosing up on m&ms... Self hatred showing itself as binge eating? Now I just sound melodramatic, but I could blame that on having just watched House; though in saying it, that's probably just deflection. [/quote]

Not melodramatic at all... I do exactly the same thing, and am just turning my attention to bringing it under control now I'm past the worst with the p/m addiction.

If you can, it helps to stay off the sugar highs while you're fighting the p/m addiction, although I ended up using the sugar more I think... a substitute for p/m I guess.

Good luck,
time_for_change

Hello Hadenough

Welcome, I'm quite new here as joined the forum about 3 weeks ago... Anyway want to say - when I found this side I didn't belive anything could work out. I decided to start a break from pornography and masturbation, later on from orgasm at all, but didn't believe I could do it. And here I am - 36 day of using no pornography and masturbation!

Belive me U can do it, unless in my case (I am living with my partner) it would be hard without sharing and support from her...

Anyway what I did when I had cravings was reading forum or writing posts instead of watching porn and have to say I'm really suprised that this is such a helpfull tool;)

Best of luck 4U

I guess there are two

ways (at least) to look at brain chemistry information. It CAN be a huge relief to realize where the puppeteer resides...and how it's not "out to get you." It's just a mindless brain mechanism trying to do its job under circumstances of extreme stimulation it did not evolve to cope with.

Or you can get frustrated because you can't instantly tame it with force of will. You can't. You have to work toward your new goal on its terms. This means patience. And usually it means resistance and relapse and resistance...before you can find a workable balance.

You are right to be pleased with your progress prior to the blip. Well done! Self-awareness does actually pay off in the long run, and it sounds like you're a pretty shrewd observer.

Daily bonding behaviors with a partner can really help. They soothe the nervous system, and that eases frustration.

4 days... i'm wondering if i

4 days...

i'm wondering if i should drop counting... but then i think i need the counting... but then it's adding pressure...

ive been thinking a lot about telling my wife...

not really making much of a constructive post here but i want to write something.

nearly caved last night. had promised before "this" started to buy my wife a new vibrator, cos her favourite had died. so last night spent ages trying to find a good price for it... The sites for the most part didn't even have anything sexy per se on display other than the toys they were selling (ie no naked pictures etc) but i still found my fingers heading down there...

(on a side... here i am talking freely about playing with myself whilst looking at sex toys... on not-a-sex-chat-site, but a site for the opposite of that... so ubiquitous is sex talk to me)

i did resist though... or else the number above would be 1... :}

*smile*

It's normal for your brain to urge you toward anything associated with what you have trained it to seek, no? Be patient. You're doing great.

counting

Counting the days is just a tool to aid in the real goal getting free from the p/m compulsion. So if it's giving you stress, don't count... :)

time_for_change

5 days take 2

It's late here... that is, now it's actually early in the morning. should be in bed. up for work in under 6 hours. but creativity abounded so i took hold and spent the past few hours having fun. good fun. the type of fun i want to have in my life.

i saw someone (Marnia?) mentioning averting your thoughts to something else at the first thought of masturbation/porn/etc... i have certainly been trying to do this, and plotting to do this since before i actually started counting any days... but always found myself avoiding the aversion. i hope now though that i've started avoiding, i will find it easier to avert my attention...

really now... time for sleep... sleep without masturbating first; and there's still time in my life to be able to say - i've not masturbated myself to sleep for half my life. (im sure that almost made sense)

Creativity

is one of the ideal distractions. You're lucky to have a project that compels you.

Yes, orgasm is great sleep medication...except that the hangovers also cause insomnia in many folks, and the whole cycle seems to escalate. Wink

Congratulations on your progress.

hindsight

if i'd kept going... kept at it from when i started... the first time... even the 2nd time... i'd have to be pretty much "clear" now... or at least... clearer...

would say i keep slipping but it's not slipping it's giving in and excusing myself when i shouldn't excuse myself because i know what i'm doing im not stupid but i'm just not stopping and i keep doing and even when i do and i tell myself its ok cos i'm not doing it for hours well mostly not but i'm still still still!

just wanna take a magic pill and be better. guess that's any junkie's wish.

can at very least say i've cut down. 7-10 times a week down to maybe 4-5. hey it's a start, right. these are rhetorical questions really i know both sides of the answers. i hear them - wow that just sounds like i'm suffering multiple personalities. incidentally, i'm not just mucking around here, having fun, pretending, having a lark, taking the piss.

words are my only real friend, you see, and i like them, i like how they feel when i write them and mould them and join them. i'm not verbally adept, socially i'm more the guy in the corner taking forever to drink his drink, cos all his doing is wishing he was interacting with people instead of watching people wondering how to interact with them. so see i write, because i don't have people to talk to. i don't have confidants. so i need to write and writing here at least lets me know i am actually using my time in ways other than sitting in chat rooms getting off. i write here because if i write here i'm not writing there. it makes sense you see.

if i didn't know better i'd say i'm manic looking at this post! seriously though i just wanted to come back because i needed to come back.

2 days.

im sorry.

No need to be sorry. Yes it

No need to be sorry.

Yes it does feel like multiple personalities at times. I feel like my mind is trying to tear itself apart. So you are not alone there.

You are doing good though. Any resistance helps build up more resistance. As long as you keep trying and do not give up on yourself you will be fine.

I find writing here helps me very much. I have spent many hours here reading and writing. It is one of the things that has helped keep me sane through this.

It is very hard to stop once you get going. I have been able to go weeks without m/o and then when I do have an O like this last time I went a week before I could stop.

Writing here and reading others stories really does help. So write as much as you would like.

Things will get easier. Maybe not "easy" but easier.

Wishing you well
Be Safe
James

thanks for sharing yourself

with us. Be gentle with yourself, whatever your progress. It's a big change.

Are there any things you can do to open up more social contact? Think creatively. Sounds like part of you senses that would be ideal motivation. Tango classes? Toastmasters???

*big hug*

Progress

One thing that I have relied on and is reiterated over and over again on this site, is to recognize that progress is being made. You are making changes and taking strides to better your approach each time. This problem was in the making for years and will NOT go away overnight.

In the beginning when the light bulb turns on, you admit the problem.......panic usually sets in and you want away from it immediately! "Oh God, where is the magic pill....I am not this person am I ?"

Then, you immerse yourself more and more into the knowledge and start the practice.....this site is a TERRIFIC resource and community.

This is how it worked for me. I AM making progress and am surrendering to the fact that it will take patience and perseverance.

Depending upon how committed you are to this.......you will succeed.

It is a tricky little bastard .....SNEEKY......but you can tame it.

Breathe, read, practice, exercise,
Crow

Not just words

images are also my friend. not nasty ones. :) given myself a new project that, if i stick at it, will at least give me 4 nights without time to think of other things.

the scared little boy in me didn't want to come back here and admit failure. failure is something i avoid, either by striving hard to achieve, or by avoiding the possibility of success.

mmm, i guess this really is a soul searching journey for us all!

a re-iterated thank-you to everyone here lending their support and kinship of sorts.

have been clean since my hindsight post above... trying not to keep too close of a days-tally...

Failure

[quote=hadenough]
the scared little boy in me didn't want to come back here and admit failure. failure is something i avoid, either by striving hard to achieve, or by avoiding the possibility of success.

[/quote]

If there's one thing I've learned over the past 10 years in my career, it's the truth of the Winston Churchill quote:

"Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm."

We very rarely succeed at anything the first (or even 5th) time we do it - just watch a baby learning to walk.

Something I learned very recently, which I'm having fun with is the idea of taking your biggest challenges and failures in life, and reframing them as the cause of your future success. After all, it's only by dealing with the challenges and learning from the failures that you'll get there!

Keep it up! Smile

Yes I experienced this at

Yes I experienced this at Toastmasters last night. I failed big time trying to speak. The big thing is how I handled it in my mind. I did not let it crush me like I would have thought. More to the point how I would have let it crush me while I was fully controlled by my addiction.

I get that scared part you are talking about. The part about not putting oneself in danger so there is no way to succeed.

Working with this addiction has allowed things to open up for me. It has allowed my mind to start to become free.

It is all the support here even with relapse. which is not really failure. It is in ones mind a failure well at first it is. After awhile it starts to shift. You really do start to use it as a learning experience. All the healthy support for the other people here really does help. It allows you to see that it is not failure.

That is the way it was at Toastmasters. I locked up could not speak. After the group was much support and explained what caused me to freeze like that. Now I am aware of it and next time I may be able to just stop and breathe and speak. It really does not matter what I say as long as I get my mind moving.

Same as here. A relapse is not failure. You learn, you see what happened and with healthy support you can get through the next time or at some point you will.

You get motivated to succeed in an atmosphere like this site or Toastmasters. I would not have thought so before but now I do. It is hard to see such things stuck in the addiction. Once you get sight of what is outside the addiction it is hard to let that go. Well I am not sure you can let that go.

All of that to say yes I agree with Present. This type of experiences can be used to gain that success that you want.

Hope that made sense. :)
Be Safe
James

Ah, i get it...

toastmasters... public speaking...

i've always hated public speaking... very rarely been any good at it either. thought finally that i was over the fear after getting a HD at university for a presentation... did very well at it... not as nervous as normal and the lecturer commented that i held the audience very well... then not long ago had to do a speech for a family event and was a nervous wreck before during and after.

dyslexia doesn't help.

not counting days but not had any relapses. yay.

finding new things to do of an evening, and steering myself away from the computer/temptation. of course, sometimes it involves the computer... but still doing fairly well.

The little things

hello
still trying not to get too specific about things because i think it was ultimately my downfall... well, part of the downfall.

kind of like... oh yay, look, you've been good for x days, so now... well, one little relapse wont hurt, will it?

i haven't been orgasm free... (and for good or bad, i am trying not to let that make me feel too bad) but even just overall i am masturbating a lot less than previous... and, i'm not just going straight for "it" when i can...

can hardly claim to have had the chance to majorly rewire/chemically sanitise my brain as yet, but there's definite progress being made...

Glad to hear it

Everyone goes at rebalancing differently. Just curious. Are you avoiding porn when you masturbate? Superstimuli can be more of a problem than mere orgasm for some.

as jack said... i'm back...

nearly 2 months, and barely any of it good.

complete relapse. justifying my actions to myself. listening to the horny devil on my shoulder.

nearly 3 months without sexual contact from my wife hasn't helped... of course yes, yet to mention this all to her... and yes, going orgasm free, and having sexual relations with my wife don't really go hand in hand, but it fuels the devil's talk when i've been hoping all day for some sexual contact from another human being and get nothing in return.

(it's a whole other chapter there that i wont go into right now)

so instead i justify masturbating in chatrooms.

before, what i was trying to do was limit myself to 10-20 minutes... or less... which would mean just looking at porn... no chat... chat is really what i'm wanting to eliminate... chat is bad... yes, porn isn't always the pretty picture either... but, my thought is, if i look at a video, orgasm, and go about my business, it's better than sitting for 2-3 hours each day in a chatroom, surrounded by pics and people who are not "good" company to be around. surely only subjecting my brain to a quick hit is better than stewing it in pre orgasmic sensations for hours and hours...

but of course that too is justification... justify justify justify

when i clicked on the browser, i didn't know whether i'd be coming here, or a chatroom, or just porn. i'm glad i came here. now i'm going to bed, and tomorrow will be day 1 again.

thanks for listening

Don't beat yourself up

Don't beat yourself up hadenough you did very well to get to where you did. Just try as hard as you can to not go on a binge and get into the addiction cycle again, it will make your recovery a whole lot easier.

Lots of love
Courage

homage

hi Courage and Marnia. :)

before i get to what i was going to write... i notice i just made a :) . i like that. most times i've come in here it's been feeling very much a... victim? sad-sorry-person? broken person. it's a small victory - shall we call this, Day1^, ^ being a multiplier that i've lost track of. but yes, orgasm free.

last night after posting here i searched for and finally found some episodes of an old sitcom about addiction - the john larroquette show. that discovery has put a smile on my face all day... the angel on the opposite shoulder to that horned devil says it must be an omen. (honest, i am still sane, just waxing lyrical)

i also tonight watched a dennis hopper film, in memorial, so to speak. i was going to do it on the day that he died... instead i masturbated. and the next day... instead i masturbated. tonight, i watched it. tonight i'm writing here, and then to bed.

i had a look at that link, Marnia. i think frankly she'd be quite keen on at least the massage idea. will be a nice start to reaffirmation.

thank-you

hadenough

he's back~

today's day 3, take ∞.

i've had some good days amongst the past few months of relapse. at least i can go a day without now. sometimes maybe even 2 days in a week without.

kind of had a few epiphany moments of late, sparking the return here. i had been thinking, when i stopped coming here, that the idea of total abstinence was a crazy one. i mean, masturbating every day, sometimes more than once a day, i could accept as being disruptive, obsessive, bad... but to go without full time, that's just absurd, right? well, i'm starting to appreciate the concept.

day 1 and day 2 were simple this time. day 3 here and now and the mind is already playing tricks.

wont hurt. go on. just a quickie. know u want to.

so instead, am thinking of the positive things in my life that i want to keep positive, keep enjoying, enjoy more.

of course, what i should have said...

i should have just popped back in last week and said, hi, how's things... and not put all this pressure on myself. :}

i have had 3 orgasms in the past 11 days, 2 of which were porn assisted.

and this time round, i'm actually starting to really feel... better. more like i can choose if i am going to masturbate or not. even change my mind after first deciding - yes, actually, i will just go online and.... to - no, instead i'm going to...

today... walking home from work... i raised my head... usually when i walk, i look at the ground. today, i walked with my head held high. my back felt better for it. so did my pride. i don't know if that's really related to "this"... but... it felt good.

8 months... 4 years ago

i still think of this forum... Which I thought rather odd, frankly, as in my mind I only visited here for a brief time. Looking above, I see it was in fact over a period of 8 months, so I guess I was kind of doing better than memory served. Bad memory. Good 2010 me. Bad 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014... :}

Life really sucks. But then, I'm not Robinson Crusoe there.

I'm here now because I keep thinking of this forum, even if I haven't visited much. And more than ever of late I have come to the conclusion that one of the many things stopping me form accomplishing anything in life, is the fact that instead of, say, doing something constructive, instead I spend 2-4 hours a day with dick in hand looking at porn/cybersexing. All those hours that have been spent on better things...

I really wonder how mankind ever got out of the caves! Luckily I guess, it wasn't left up to me, or we'd all still be there, leaving a hedonistic lifestyle.

Chalk me up for another day one... Tomorrow may be day two... Or it may not... But for now - today, is day one.