Oops...again

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Things are going really well on the home front. I am being loving and cut waaaaay back on the needy. I give my Izzy gifts of love and affection every day. She is much less irritable and when she is, I am better able to hear her and respond appropriately. There is much less drama in my life. I'm keeping a sharp eye out for smothering behavior (on my part). Being loving as best I can. 11 days shy of 4 months without an orgasm. I get nostalgic from time to time, but it's really no longer an issue.

So let's talk about the slippery slope I'm sliding on....thin ice here. I've taken 2 paths simultaneously:
My OCD abhors blank spaces. It seems that all of my songs in iTunes should have a picture. Most do, of the album cover. I started looking at Google Images and collecting pictures of artists to go with the tunes. Well......Paulina Rubio, Fergie, and Pink (and a whole many others)have some very hot photos, and before I knew it I was spending a good deal of time looking for those sexy picts. Guess what? there are links....you all know those links......

The other path, the twisted evangelical. We recycle magazines at the library, drop some off, pick some up. Men's Health had a couple of articles about sex....I always read articles about sex. I wrote on them www.reuniting.info. I saw some sexy pictures and tagged them too. I started tagging every sexy picture I saw before returning it to the library. One day there was a Victoria's Secret. I've been a sucker for that catalogue for long time. Thinking that a boy/man would be interested in these images, I seperated each page, tagged them and have been leaving them about town....mostly on magazine racks near similar images. The Lecherous Preacher is alive and strong in me. No longer do I tag in the clear space below the photo...No....I write along the curve of the hip, the length of the thigh, dip along the belly.....

Oh Lawd Have Mercy

Comments

*giggle*

I'm glad you're putting that OCD (I know you're teasing about it) to good use! Ha ha!

And I'm even gladder to hear that your goddess is behaving better. Looks like you've found an important key, you crafty character you. Smile

Had to smile

Perhaps I'm OCD and never knew it - you just described a number of things that I've done in the past (from a VS catalog to admiring/notating the contours of a woman's hip).

And here I thought I was only a mildly annoying drama queen runner up!

I have dealt with and manage

I have dealt with and manage OCD fairly well now. I hated washing dishes as a kid. It would take me 5 to 10 minutes to wash one glass.
I could not use a sheet of paper if a corner was bent. I would just throw it away. I have to still go through a check list in my head before I leave home each day. I just have to make sure certain things are turned off or unplugged. Many other things like that. I have not completely dealt with it but I am much better.

Week 2 BAD LANGUAGE WARNING

Sunday....The moon cycles. She fills with abundance and promise. She empties and turns dark. Must I learn to ride these waves? I've been working/hoping for transcendence but damn! I have this body to deal with.
It has been 2 weeks since I have been in her bed and the Devil is upon me.
He arrived Thursday: jabbering, jabbering, jabbering ......constant chatter about Her, what I need Her to do, about my failure to be whole without Her, my need , my need, my need...
There is no calm, no love, no ability to find any peace in this maelstrom of madness
He rides me hard, mind fucking me to the max
Friday I worked. Friday our daughter, She Who Tells the Truth made dinner for us. I held She Who Blesses Us All in my arms and she loosed her smile upon me. I hung with the dogs and they licked my wounds and kept the Devil at bay.
Saturday, home all day with My Love and the Devil. Again he is on my back, fucking me, fucking me, fucking me. I want her gone and I do not leave. I break
I'm reading The Sacred Prostitute: Eternal Aspect of the Feminine by Nancy Qualls-Corbett (excellent Jungian stuff) http://heartofthesacredfeminine.com.au/sacred-sexuality
I wait and see a lull in her activity. It is late afternoon, she sits on the couch and I drop to my knees before her. "The Devil has been with me since Thursday. I seek solace. I have tried to be rid of him but I am tired and he has defeated me. I ask Inanna, Ishtar, Astarte for healing. I am unworthy and have acted badly. I beseech you to cast out this devil and heal my soul." (I've been composing all day)
How?
For a few minutes only, hold me, stroke me, love me
She takes my face in her hands and laughing says, "Oh you poor baby"
I am so broken that I cannot even laugh. Years of worshipping Aphrodite and this is who I get, shit. Can I change? Switch to Inanna? Can a Gemini become a Virgo? A Baptist a Jew?
I made crepes filled with chocolate and almonds for desert. As I cooked she showed up with a PIDA hug. Nice band-aid, but fuck, I need stitches. The Devil has shredded my back and left my asshole bleeding. Wounds from his teeth are deep in my neck. I fight hard to let her go, to not cling to her like a drowning man.
At bedtime I am sorely conflicted. I apologized for my neediness and lack of control. I asked her if she had noticed me being less needy and obsessing about The Relationship prior to the most recent descent into Hell.
"No, well maybe a little less. But you're the neediest man I know" (that's the bad language I warned about)
So I stand at her bedside wanting to be close and afraid to ask. I asked......she said she was tired, so I kissed her and fled. In my own bed I could not read for the torment...so I wrote this
Thank you
We have a date today, Sunday. A trip to the coast, dinner and The Wailin' Jennys
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YMsUIUw5mEM
http://www.thewailinjennys.com/home.aspx
Gawd, just watching the video is healing. Being here with you all is healing. Lawd I hope I've hit bottom and can keep it together.
The Sun will return
Much Love

Hmmm

I got the book back in my porn days...trying to go undercover....
My real problem with it is the Jungian psych. idea that to become a man, the boy must separate from his mother...that woman who supplies all of his needs. I hate that part precisely because it "focuses on what I can't have".....the woman who is affectionate and adoring when I want/need it. Izzy is really good at not buying into that. My task is to appreciate her when she shows up (yesterday) and stop trying to make it happen (control issues) or obsessing why it isn't happening.
I'll finish and recommend the book because it challenges me....but I am definitely backing away from the tantric books and websites. Izzy and I just aren't ready for that.
Much love to ya

No Shit

Sun's out
I have eaten
Got a PIDA Good Morning hug and "I thought about inviting you to my bed"
Going to the coast
I think it'll be ok
Seems like when I am loving and giving I end up (10 days post her O) feeling taken for granted....there's just not enough BB's for ME
When I get down and funky she eventually has pity on me....we gotta rework this deal
te amo

Any chance

she'd try passing up those Os when you get her in bed? Even every other time?

I'm reading Eros, Consciousness and Kundalini by Sovatsky. It's about "tantric celibacy," which can also be a couple's practice...and can even include mutual orgasm once a month.

It has some methods of meditating and exchanging energy together, as well as some partner yoga. Maybe you could interest Izzy in such an approach...?

Sovatsky wrote me because he thought our books had a lot in common. However, he only recommends intercourse without orgasm as a transition phase for getting to tantric celibacy as a couple. Still, I find his approach interesting. Could have some good ideas for those without partners, as he started on his path without a mate.

Ya think

it might be her orgasm that makes it hard for me 2 weeks later? Maybe so....as she pulls away I feel abandoned and unable to bring her back. Izzy's not buying it.
Suggesting ANYTHING comes off like I'm needy and demanding and she's not good enough and she has to change and.....
I'm still about getting my act together. It's appealing to me to explore practices from the perspective as if I didn't have a mate.
BUT the world is SO much nicer with some PIDAs....got a few yesterday... hand holding. I initiated and got 10 minutes in bed this AM! I keep telling her I'm really easy. It doesn't take much.

Is mental masturbation (morning meditation was out of control with thinking) any better than mind fucking yourself?

Thank you thank you thank you

You know...

I don't mean this is a sarcastic misery loves company way. I've always sort of gathered/felt that for whatever environmental/background (relationship history, not childhood/developmental history) that you and I had some similarities in what we lived in, or lived thru. And I am not insulting either of us when I say this - but Christ, they just became appallingly apparent.

At least give yourself credit for trying - something I haven't done for weeks because I quit trying weeks ago. I'm further in the bubble than I've ever been before - the only difference is that before I didn't know the bubble existed.

All I know is that

her post-O pattern is not unfamiliar to me personally. It's during the second week that I tend to "want space" and misjudge my partner's motives, etc.

Too bad she doesn't want to experiment. But your gentle tactics may win the day. You're a wise man, AC.

Mistake...

Since this thread is entitled 'Oops...,' I thought it would be at least sort of appropriate to relate a mistake that I just made. I watched the new Lars von Trier movie 'Antichrist.' I've watched a bunch of useless, disgusting, or degrading non-porn sex movies in the last decade (Caligula, Salo, Lucia y el sexo, etc.), but Antichrist is worse than all of them (well, probably not Salo). I was half way through the movie when my wife asked me what I was doing, and when I told her, she warned me that I might be adversely affected (she had read a review, I guess). Given the graphic sex, violence, and depraved portrayal of the female, I'm actually surprised that I don't feel far more warped than I do. I would strongly caution any loving, caring human being to avoid seeing the film, unless you want to seriously test yourself with some gnarly, unforgettable imagery. Who knows, maybe I'm just childish. But be warned...

Thanks for the tip

I'm sure it'll be appreciated by all.

I'm careful of what I watch, too. Actually, as the brain returns to its normal sensitivity, a lot of things just don't seem worth watching...or worth re-watching when the flashbacks pop back up afterward. Smile Can't handle war stuff either. *shudder*

Here we go again

maybe it was Monday night, (3/22). "Dancing With the Stars" was on the telly. I would stop work to watch the dancing. Erin Andrews and Pamela Anderson were on, not wearing much clothes....modern courtesans?...maybe....triggers for sure. The next morning I'm on the internet, first Erin then, WTF, Pam...naked. And then I'm off...I watch a couple fucking....and quit. 19-20 days what's the deal? I'm amazed at how easy it was to rationalize and go to that place. Better now, but shit......
Much Love and Forgiveness

There's trouble brewing

...or maybe the stew's already cooked.
There are other god's, you know. The mighty trio... Lord ,Fuck You, King I Don't Give A Damn, and Prince I'm Through With This Shit were with me on Monday. Then Aphrodite sashayed in, Aw Lawd, there was trouble....On my screen, beautiful young women taking their clothes off, wanting to have sex, masturbating and cumming, loud, and I was hard and with just 1 or 2 strokes I would cum too (gawd, it's been 5 months)....and I did this many times. Just coming back to it over and over. I love looking at those women, I love being hard. So guess what my lovely unsuspecting wife gets later that night? "I'm so horny, I've gotta fuck tonight or make love tomorrow." "I don't feel like it, you've been a shit for a couple of days, but I will help you with your problem." A looong discussion ensued about what I wanted and how I've been acting. I did NOT cop to my porn use. We finally agreed to both conduct ourselves in such a way that we might come together in a loving way Tuesday night. Monday night in my bed I fantasize about the sexy pictures and poses I want to put my Izzy in. My imagination is rich and I am hard and awake most of the night. Not using porn for a long time, I am glad the images in my head are of my wife. I know if I keep using, she will be replaced. Tuesday back to work and we are cool, but pleasant, together in the evening. I pull it off for the most part. My kisses and caresses are loving. I am hard and ready for anything, but pacing myself to match her (kind of). She rolls into me for a hug that lasts....not long enough, and rolls to her back. I continue with the loving but start to feel like a worshiper of the goddess and wonder where my lover is. I ask, "What would you like?" "I'd like to got to sleep."
This is the benefit of the work I've done here: I leave her bed a little disappointed but grateful....yes grateful, for that little time we had. I feel some satisfaction and I do not intend to look at those naked women today (gawd that shit is powerful). And I have some clarity for a conversation today. I don't like the lie, but I don't want to confess.

Yes, it's powerful

Gary made the point the other day that a man NOT finding porn compelling would be like a baby not finding it's mom compelling. The mammalian brain is just plain set up to respond to certain triggers.

But now that potent sexual stimuli are around us in inexhaustible supply...we're in trouble. Once upon a time there would only have been Izzy and a few others. Not a novel, moaning babe at every click. And there's nothing like looking and drooling...or whatever ;-)...to make escalating dissatisfaction a constant companion.

That said, I wish Izzy got it that her comforting touch is an important part of the solution. How draining can it be to hold someone, skin-to-skin for a while once a day? Grrrr.....

Thank You

for your love and support. Indeed, no need to dwell on the slip, but My Gawd! getting away from it for a good while, it is AMAZING to see how easy I could go there and JUSTIFY it.
I am alone in the house and porn is not an issue
I have reclaimed the bed. We had to share in Mexico. I like being there (both the Gulf of California and "her" bed).....so, since last Wednesday, I've been in bed with my Isadora until my snoring bothers her. I like hearing her breathe, responding to her body shifts.
The New Rule is: I claim this as our bed, no longer yours. I intend to be here every night until you take my face in your hands, kiss me lovingly, and wish me a good night; or upon my first snore. She made some noises about "can't stay up late" "need my sleep"....I listened politely and left when she told me I was snoring.
nos amo

Gnitinuer

Nitty-N-Your, Your Nutty, Anti-Reuniting, Opposite
No orgasm since 11/14/09, but got pretty heated up on Monday WTF! After a week in her bed, "I want you gone by the time I get back"
I'm fed up. I'm "needy".....she doesn't ask for much. Of course! she doesn't have to ask. I am a loving, supportive, intelligent, passionate man. She takes me for granted. So Reverse Reuniting....she has to ask for everything....everything. I am available only for the asking....pretty please. No Morita's, no love notes, no coffee in the morning, no chit chat, no more putting her first....nothing.
Started yesterday, today we negotiated: I'm in her bed Thurs-Sunday nights. I will not talk about our relationship every day. There is more to be negotiated.
Lawd have mercy, pray for my soul

Ya Just Never Know

Silly woman rewards my bad behavior. We're in bed. "I'm cold" "Let me share my manly warmth" and I wrap myself around her. Still wounded (who made the cuts?) I, amazingly, have no erection. My intention is to warm her. She rolls from her back, brings her leg over me, and wraps her arms around me. Willy rises to kiss her lips. Silly silly me, I ask what she wants, sex or sleep. "I dunno" "Let's take 5 breaths together" belly to belly it's easy. Then stupid me, 'cause I want to be considerate of her not liking asking me to leave, and not wanting to bother her, or get a bad taste for overstaying my welcome, "Ok, sex, karezza ('cause it was really sweet karezza we were doing) or sleep?" "Sleep" So I left....oh well

Do I keep up the strike? Do I reward her good behavior? (Do the dishes before she gets up, make coffee and breakfast) Shamoooooo http://www.reuniting.info/science/what_shamu_taught_me_about_happy_marriage

What is holding me back or causing me pain?
PRIDE OR SENSE OF HONOR

Is there something I need to be alert to in my situation?
QUEST FOR ABUNDANCE

What insight will help me at this time?
ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES

I dunno...Oracle's kind of going for maintaining the strike
Gotta go and wash some dishes

All I can say is...

if you were a Freed Willy, the ladies would be lining up! Smile

But, honestly, cracking this mystery may be extremely satisfying in the end. For me, Forget space. Human intimate relationships are the Last Frontier. *chuckle*