Hard Time wrapping my brain around all this

Submitted by Chemicallydriven on
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Hi There I am a 40 year young woman, I came to find this site via the book The Brain that Changes itself" . I told myself I would not come here today due to either extreme pms or just watching the 40 minute audio clip sent me near an anxiety attack yesterday. I imagine it was the two. I have always been an very insecure person and very self critical, I often say, I am insecure in all areas of my live, except for one, my sexuality. I love to please my partner, whether I want to or not I will, I am unafraid to talk about things most people will not. It was never a problem until I married my current husband. Now I feel as though all my qualities are no good. My desire for touch, attention, sex has become an issue I am now feeling embarrased and shameful about. again as though it is just one more thing wrong with me. I enjoy porn but Having read the book I mentioned, I keep it to a bare minimum, because i noticed the once a month i do get with my husband, orgasm seemed difficult. That was a few months back.
I watched the clip with my man and he is all game, I am a tell it like it is girl and his once a month not doing it for me i asked for an open marriage, he said he would consider me with a woman, but i am sort of attracted to men, so i was wondering is there another book on karrazza not geared for the wife with no sex drive because i am really tired of hearing that. I just need an overview and education on how to have him inside me and not move without either crying or becoming very angry. i am ordering cupids arrow right now does it cover it in there more than the audio? Thanks ever so much. Have many questions but i must run.

Welcome

Sorry I forgot to enable you to blog when I saw your first post. You are enabled to blog now, in case you want to start your own thread at any point. http://www.reuniting.info/resources/bloggers

I'm not sure I totally understand your question, but I could relate to your desire to please your partner sexually...on the assumption that all would be well if everyone concerned just had enough orgasms. After all, that is today's mainstream sexual advice...to a tee. And since it agrees (in the short term) with our genes' agenda of spreading genes around, it can seem unquestionably right tour limbic brains (the primitive part of the brain).

Cupid is the story of how I figured out that the mainstream theory had some weak points. Smile It does not assume that the woman has no sex drive...because I wrote it and I'm a kinda high libido gal. What it does assume is that overstimulation tends to drive couples apart...in a host of different ways...which they then blame on each other instead of blaming Cupid, the real culprit (i.e., our genetic breeding program and how it interacts with our bonding program).

It's interesting that you noticed that porn also appears to desensitize YOUR brain. The men on this forum are probably comforted to see confirmation that this challenge isn't a "male" thing, but rather a "brain" thing. That's where we all have to fix the problem, by changing our behavior.

Even before Cupid arrives, you can start employing the concepts. The first chapter is available here: http://www.reuniting.info/cupids_poisoned_arrow_chapter_1 And this article will show you the behaviors that will help you to feel well nourished...without exhausting/irritating your spouse: http://www.reuniting.info/lazy_way_to_stay_in_love This should make it easier to find harmony...without anyone having to be "wrong."

It's great to have you here.

love, touch and sex

thanks for clearing that up, I will offer the men a comfy pillow when I tell you I have a sex drive thats well, to be compared with a mans rumored sex drive. A good thing? Now I am not so sure. I am like the alligator mentioned, if I am not pet daily I will be untamed. Its ugly. I admit I have long confused love with Sex, for I love Sex. It wasn't until this last year that I noticed an intoxicating effect, a euphoria simply by intercourse or giving oral sex. I swear i enjoyed it more than he. The less I got the more I needed, like a junkie. Strange because sex was not an issue in my last two relationships as I feel our drives were matched, maybe that was all that was matched as they were unhealthy. I feel now as though I have sacraficed one for the other and all of a sudden i feel intitled to my pleasures to the point of the idea of having my needs met elsewhere. But I really would rather meet half way, and honestly I have to admit intimacy is really what i crave and just the knowing i am still desireable and he has some. Thanks you answered my question regarding the book. You are an angel.

You described my feelings

during the first years of my marriage with my wife, almost to a tee. Although, even though it was a passing thought, I never really gave serious consideration to multiple partners or cheating on her. But there were times...! Back then, I would have thought having a woman like you would have been near perfect.

But I find it also interesting that your own experience seems to confirm the premise of Marnia's book: unrestrained sex actually causes more relationship problems than it purports to fix. IOW, if I had received what I really wanted back then, it's possible I might not still be married to her now (28 years later). I expected nightly sex. I expected regular oral sex, both give and get. I just assumed that would be the way it would be, and the little experience prior to marriage in our dating relationship had led me to believe it would be just that way.

But, it wasn't. I was darn lucky if I hit the "average" of around 3 times a week. I was lucky if we did it once a week. And it was a difficult situation for a long time, until I became content with her and myself as I've related on another thread. And now, although I don't totally match the description of orgasm crash listed in the book and how others here have experienced it, and I still very much love the feelings and connectedness of the whole thing including before, during, and after climax, I'm going to do my own abstinence time coming up soon (been building to it) so I can find out what I might be missing out on. I want to see not only how it affects me to refrain from orgasms for at least four weeks, but also how it affects my wife and our relationship. While our sexual relationship is much better than early marriage, both because she has healed from some bad images and ways of thinking about sex, but also because I've become content with who she is sexually and with how often we have sex (which is still only once or twice a month except on occasion, like our anniversary which is the only time of year I'll get sex nearly every night, even more than once a day).

So it's interesting to me that despite your sex drive, once you've found someone who is more compatible with you emotionally/socially, it also happens to be someone who doesn't want sex as frequently. And those who you've had the most compatibility problems have been those you've been most compatible with having frequent sex. And I'm wondering if perhaps maybe it is the frequency of the sex which might be making the men in your life more or less appealing/compatible to you, like Marnia's book states. Something to think about.

And I can relate to not wanting to accept that this premise is true, even hoping it isn't, because I don't internally want to give it up either. It goes against the way I've lived practically my whole life and I fully enjoy the feelings, nay, am addicted to them. But I have to find out what I'm missing and am willing to make the experiment to find out. Maybe, just maybe, I'll like that state of things better and feel it is worth it once I get there. But I won't know until I do get there. Thus the test to find out.

You might want to give serious consideration to finding out yourself. You'll never know if you don't try, what could be. That's how I look at it, anyway. If I get there and not much is different or better, then I'll shrug and continue as normal. I think the harder thing will be if there are some beneficial results, but I'm unable to decide which way to go...hating to give up either. But I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

Hmm

That is quite interesting, I was just discussing today about how I have just recently took notice to the fact that I from the starting gate chose the guys who showed me no interest, this I relate to the impossible relationship I have with my Father that I spent my whole life chasing his love and attention. I really can't compare these prior 2 relationships, My first husband and I had sex and I took him hostage, for 7 yrs There was a weird balance or flow between us, I was so comfortable doing anything not shy, I still kid around with him, We basically just agree we are just two freaks. I think visually we are on the same level as to what turns us on. Funny I phoned him last week to ask him just how he started this overwhelming desire in me to be restrained during sex. I can't recall the first time or any details. He said an old girl of his who was more bondage type had him do it to her. I told him thanks, but my current husband although has done it once a few years back, will not for some reason grant my wishes. I am not at all shy about the topic of sex at all, it makes people feel so not at ease. Anyway, my ex husband and the boyfriend who is now dead(suicide)were both verbally abusive, the boyfriend physically in the end. You could be right I like to think no, but I joke around with my husband that the reason I am so driven and so attracted to him is because he had a vasectomy and my body is still waiting for him to shoot anything but blanks. I need to read more about this abstinance deal, I dont think i will be sharing this site with him, I was out hunting ways to increase his sex drive not hold it back. As for me, I am going to please myself less and he agreed to try the karazza, the pain is mine here, the man has the hardest time even ejaculating. I am always on the watch of my mood changes, never really consistently been able to link them to anything other than pms, so we shall see.