The Feelings Chart/The Language of Feelings - John Gray

Submitted by Daffy Duck on
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The Feelings Chart - For Emotional Distinction

--Healing Feeling-------Holistic Benefits----------General Feeling----Emotional Block

1 Anger -----------------Boundary Defense-------Betrayal--------------Blame

2 Sadness--------------Endings--------------------Abandonment-------Depression

3 Afraid------------------Warning-------------------Uncertainty------------Anxiety

4 Sorrow----------------Grief------------------------Powerless-------------Indifference

5 Frustration-----------Persistence---------------Dissatisfaction--------Judgement

6 Disappointment-----Detachment---------------Discouragement------Indecision

7 Worry-----------------Preparation----------------Helplessness---------Procrastination

8 Embarrassment-----Self Acceptance-----------Inadequacy-----------Perfectionism

9 Envy-------------------Motivation to Change----Deprivation-----------Resentment/Jealousy

10 Hurt------------------Self-Awareness-----------Exclusion--------------Self-Pity

11 Fear------------------Beginnings-----------------Hopelessness--------Confusion

12 Shame---------------Remorse--------------------Unworthiness--------Guilt

The healing feelings are NORMAL, NATURAL and NECESSARY.

How to read the Feelings Chart

The feeling or energy of ANGER is the energy you use to protect you and your boundaries so that you will feel safe in the world. If you block your feelings of anger you will usually blame others or yourself and in so doing affirm your lack of power.

The feeling of SADNESS is used to create closure when something ends; but if you block yourself from feeling sad you can easily slip into a depression.

FEAR is a warning energy. It stimulates your adrenals to fight or take flight. If you block or resist your natural feelings of fear you will feel overwhelmed and anxious.

The energy of SORROW is designed to help you grieve your losses. When you don't give yourself permission to grieve you will become so emotionally hard that you become indifferent to people that you love.

FRUSTRATION is the energy that helps you to persist when things take much longer than you expected. When you block your normal feelings of frustration you'll usually become judgemental of others and yourself.

DISAPPOINTMENT is the energy that will help you to detach and move on with your life when things end. When you refuse to feel your natural and necessary feelings of disappointment you will act indecisive and feel discouraged.

WORRY helps you to take action and prepare for the project at hand. When you block yourself from feeling worried because you are not well prepared you will procrastinate about what to do and you will not take the actions that are necessary for you to succeed.

EMBARRASSMENT allows you to accept yourself as you are. If you block your feelings of embarrassment you will feel as though you always need to be "perfect" which is an unachievable objective.

ENVY is a motivational feeling that helps you to change for the better. If you block yourself from feeling envious, you become jealous of what other people have.

HURT helps you to become aware of the source of your pain so that you can heal it. When you don't allow yourself to feel hurt, you slip into a cycle of self-pity and go around feeling sorry for yourself.

FEAR is also a normal and natural uncomfortable feeling associated with starting something new. When you resist your scared feelings you'll become confused, which will immobilize you and stop you from learning from your new experience.

SHAME is the energy you feel when you do something that doesn't serve you or others well. If you have the emotional courage to feel the shame associated with your actions, you will feel remorseful, which will help you to not do it again. But when you don't feel the shame associated with your less-than-perfect actions, you will feel guilty about what you did, which solves nothing. Guilt is self-judgement, where shame helps you to own why your less-than-perfect actions don't work, which helps you not to do it again...



Hi Daffy,

This is incredibly useful. For the longest time, I thought of anger as being only negative, an emotion to get rid of. Now I know better.


I think there might be a little confusion on it...

Allowing yourself to feel anger doesn't feel good...and so many of us cut ourselves off from what we are actually feeling in order to not feel it. So, anger is good and true what you said is that it needs to be let go ASAP. But to consciously experience anger and to allow it... is the key. After all, what else is there to do when one is experiencing anger except to feel it. Even the act of tapping through EFT and WHEE has accepting it as the primary goal and then to release it, and let it go ... which ironically only happens when you allow it to be as it is. The act of resisting it and wanting to run from it actually makes it go unconscious and resides as knotted up energy under the surface which even in that state will grow bigger and last longer and have ill effects on the body.

Once I allowed it to be there and the whole exercise was to actively ENGAGE the anger and to ACTIVELY ACT it out... and the goal was to ACT IT OUT for 3 minutes. Scream, cry, yell, and do whatever you have to do when you are angry and do so for at least 3 minutes.

All I can say is...try it. I won't tell you what happened to me when I did it. (Until later). With ANY feeling you have... breathe into it, look at it, let the worry, the rage, the sadness be as it is...act it out ...for 3 minutes and... well, you'll see.

It's much better for your body to allow it...even though sometimes the feelings seem as though they will overwhelm you...because they are uncomfortable or hurt... it's better to do so and let it go... then to hang onto it by resisting or not allowing. Also, noticing where the emotions rest in your body is the MAIN KEY. Where is my body registering this feeling right now...where does it feel uncomfortable and hurt? Then allow (I ALWAYS DO TAPPING ALONG WITH THIS EXERCISE BECAUSE MY EMOTIONS SEEM TO ALWAYS OVERWHELM ME.) So I add the tapping to help me to accept and be more conscious of what I am feeling so that I CAN accept it...and so feel it, and then let it go.

You can't heal what you don't feel.

Cool huh?

This really helped me.

So for example ... when I get full of rage and I start blaming everybody for THIS or THAT... it's because I do not let myself feel angry. Marnia told me that if I feel angry that I should get by myself and deal with it and not dump it out on others but the very nature of my BLOCK with it... is that blame seems much better to me... because then I don't have to look at what I'm angry about.

If I am blaming people then it's like I am saying "I don't CARE if you reject me because I don't like you anyway!" Blaming keeps me safely away from owning my own anger and ruins every relationship I have. So, if I let myself feel angry then I'll be able to stand up for my own boundaries... and know when they are being violated and I'll stop blaming everyone else (being the victim) and stop walking around feeling betrayed by everyone.

So, how do I feel angry and what do I discover when I'm letting myself fully feel my anger? First I identify where the feeling of anger is in my body. Ok. My throat area. Then... the moment I put my attention on my throat area ....guess what happens? I begin to feel very, very sad... and then I would say I'd feel depressed so I look back up there and .... I see that depressed is actually a BLOCKED sadness. So LOOK AT THAT! I automatically went from noticing sadness (which made my stomach hurt) to feeling depressed. HMMMM.... why would anyone go to the BLOCKED COLUMN????

Maybe because the healing feelings hurt and don't feel good. That is why I should go back and breathe into the feeling of sadness and ask myself what am I sad about? Well... it says up there that if I block my feelings of being SAD then I'll walk around with a general feeling of ABANDONMENT and (GOD that's ME!) and I won't EVER learn how to adjust to change and allow change to happen...and I'll be chronically disappointed in life right? Because things always change!

Ok so let me look up about the disappointed feeling.... OH ! Ok. So if I learn how to fully feel my feelings of disappointment I'll be able to detach myself when necessary, know when to do that, and be able to make decisions ... and when I don't take care of my feelings of disappointment, I'll always be discouraged with life... and not be able to make decisions... which will increase my

WORRY.and when I don't allow myself to feel my worry feelings then I'll walk around feeling helpless to do anything and I'll end up procrastinating so I don't have to look directly at my worry...and I'll never learn that I can be prepared. Then I think I'm back to the angry feelings.

Oh well... this is how I use it. More later on how to actually allow yourself to feel each feeling. You need to take time to be with yourself... because you're (I'm) important. My coach would tell me "no one else needs to hear your anger and all because they are YOUR feelings so get to it!" It was always somewhat hard for me to allow myself to feel those feelings all by myself because I never wanted to feel them alone. But I'm better now.

I'd be interested if anyone else finds this helpful or not.

I find that chart amazing. I

I find that chart amazing. I get exactly what you describe in your post here. I end up at worry a lot but I guess I do not let myself feel it completely cause I hate that feeling. I end up not getting things done. I procrastinate a lot.

This makes me think of a quote. :)
"Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering"-Yoda
Not the same path as the chart but the same Idea.

Yes I would love some information on how to feel each feeling. I do not think that I understand how. I think I live in the block column a lot or most of the time. It starts with the healing feeling then very quickly gets blocked.

Thanks for the chart.

Be Safe

I'm glad you like this, Seeker.

I've found for me that there is a difference between the pain of resistance to what is happening and the actual painful feeling.

I never knew that a feeling was designed to be felt and then let go of... I always operated with perpetual resistance to what I was feeling and so that pain was much worse and lasted much longer. What I am feeling is a sensation in my body but I was totally unaware of what the feeling was so it was left unresolved.

(This next section is from my Self Mastery book by Hu Dalconzo)


"There are two ways that you can process your life: through your intuitive heart (feelings) or through you intellect (ego mind). I believe that processing your life by FIRST using you intuitive heart is extrememly important because it allows you to draw upon your connection with infinite wisdom. After you feel emotionally centered and you can feel what it is you want to do (or not do), then you can process it through your intellectual mind.

You can visualize the two wys of processing your life using this illustration. Your ego mind is like a small desktop computer. It's a defensive, fear based system designed to protect you by recording any stimuli that has caused you pain in your past. Its primary function is survival. It's a system that uses the language of WORDS as its energy source. By first processing you life through the Language of Feelings, you are allowing your heart to feel, from a place of infinite wisdom, love, and compassion, what your Spirit is trying to communicate to you. But, when you process your life through you ego mind first, you are using a fear-based system, which was designed to keep you safe at all costs--meaning, it's a defensive system that will try to defend and protect you using ego defenses such as denial, repression, minimizing, or dissociation. Your ego will supply you with any evidence that you need to keep you safe from anything or anyone that it perceives might cause you harm.

Another way to visualize this two-step process is by creating a visualization of a bicycle built for two. You intuitive heart (Spirit) needs to ride up front and steer so that it can make the decisions of what to do next and with whom to do it. Your ego ming needs to sit in the back seat so that it can follow the command that are being sent to it from your intuitive heart. Remember that you want to USE your mind, not be USED by it. "


"All negativity is caused by an accumulation of psychological time, and denial of the present. Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry, and all forme of fear are caused by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resemtment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of nonforgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence."


"You can process your life... through your feelings or your thoughts!"

"A NOTE FROM HU: Are you a think-aholic? Most of our society is made up of people who use thinking as their primary way of processing their life. Personally, I've spent most of my life as a think-aholic. Mosst people can't distinguish the difference between their thinking mind and their Spirit, and therefore their ego becomes their god."


It DOES, doesn't it?


Well... I did notice that but was unsure of what... um...

well, let's see...

I'll get back to you on that one.
Ok. I'm back on the issue. I sincerely hate the debate between words trying to be descriptive BUT... here I would have to say for me that the Attachment Family Therapy Wiki paper best describes the Shame verses Guilt more accurately.

I would have to say that the overall concept here with the way to deal with feelings is good... VERY good... as in they are not meant to be BLOCKED which creates a situation where they are unconscious and have ill effects on the body. But I do disagree with the description of shame verses guilt in the Self Mastery book.

Needless to say...I've put a call in to my old coach and I'll be showing him the wiki on Attachment therapy. I'll let you know.

I got the movie through

I got the movie through netflix. I need to rewatch. It is a thinking movie and not a turn your brain off pop corn flick (I like those too though). Movies like Revolver get bashed a lot and bad reviews which is sad cause it really is good.

Lots of violence and just bad stuff but it all has a purpose and I think it had some very good acting in it. Of course I am a huge Jason Statham and Ray Liotta and Guy Ritchie fan :)

And of course Lots to think about while watching and after.

Thanks Daffy

for sharing John's work. All of his books have been helpful to me...."You Can Heal What You Feel" is almost a graphic novel, good for kids and those of us who are emotionally clueless. "Mars & Venus" has some dead spots but certainly worth the effort.
Much Love

I experienced anger last

I experienced anger last night. After I did not understand why I was so angry. I just could not let it go and wanted to lash out. This from reading a book.
Well going over the chart I can see what I did. I did get to blame. I blamed the author for not making things clear and I blamed myself for not understanding. So in the end I think I was angry because I did not understand to the degree I thought I should. That made it impossible to keep reading last night.

I do notice that I get more of these types of anger feelings this close to orgasm. I notice that when I am weeks without orgasm I do not get angry very much if at all. I am far more calm. I still get angry but I guess I do not blame. I will have to observe myself this time around as I get further from the last O. Not sure what this means but it is something I have observed about myself during all of this.

It probably all leads back to those depression feelings and feelings of being useless and unwanted.

I will also try what Daffy explains and see if I can tract down what is going on inside myself to let the anger get so bad sometimes for what I think of as no reason, I guess if I look deep enough there is going to be a reason.