My Ego

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Submitted by Aphrodites Chela on
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About that kiss: I have defined myself as a good lover for most of my life. I am tender and powerful; considerate and sensual. I know how to take my time and create the space for her to cum. My heart opens.
I am destroyed when I kiss her and see she's thinking about something else, when she lies passively in my arms. My ego.....when I get her heated up, it feels like she's showing up. It feels like love.
What I'm trying to pound into my head is to stop expecting her to change. She is post menopause, we've been together 36 years, she's just not into me. We've got a rich companionship but physical affection is a rarity. I give up. I've tried. Beginning of the 6th day post O. PIDA's are rare and will continue to be so. I'll ask for what I need before I need it too bad. I'll rejoice in her willingness to help me and not expect her to be into it. I can't continue to seek change in my self in order to change her. I can't succeed if I'm masturbating and using porn. Gonna get back to the Morita's and when I feel that first tinge of being taken for granted, I'll ask for help. My Izzy is willing to help if I don't blame her and take full responsiblity in my asking. She doesn't have to like the hug or the longer kiss. It's medicine she's feeding me....'cause I asked for it. I can't make her like it.
I'm up at 6:00, Izzy at 9:00. I start turning into a troll at 10:00 PM. Thursday I was too pissed to go to her bed and wait for her. Last night I was in her bed and tho' it wasn't all that I wanted, I'm looking forward to working the whole bed thing out (when, how much light, snuggling, shifting bodies, snoring.....oh and the scent of her and the sound of her breathing).
There's gonna be more measuring and accounting. She doesn't like that, but I don't see another way to avoid my feelings of hurt and resentment.

http://s0.ilike.com/play#Bonnie+Raitt:I+Can't+Make+You+Love+Me:41508:s3847253.9632336.11849410.0.2.102%2Cstd_34bd86efe7904ccb9a9398130f6cf8a9

Ramble On! brothers and sisters

Comments

That's an interesting insight

During arousal, ALL of us get very focused, but that's just high dopamine, not necessarily love. (Seems like it during the honeymoon phase, I know!) Ask porn start Ron Jeremy. Wink But I also sympathize that you want some degree of focused gushiness for the bonding behaviors...or they have no sparkle.

Two things: First, she's not gonna feel that focus during the temporary desensitization of her brain during the days...or weeks after an orgasm. At that time, only a more intense orgasm can produce the focus that turns you on (more)...and we all know that actually makes the subsequent problem worse.

Second, the fact that she's not feeling that dopamine rush doesn't have anything to do with whether she's into YOU. She may love you a lot...and still not be able to force her brain to respond ahead of schedule. When you make it clear you think she "doesn't love you enough," you make her cranky. Because there's not much she can do about her dopamine levels...short of managing her sexuality differently. Making her feel "mean" can actually make her feel unloving. NOT the result you desire.

I honestly think that if you can coax her out of her feast-or-famine approach to sex, you can find that playful satisfaction that comes from balanced brain chemistry. But it means passing up that "WHAM!" when she wants to go there...and hoping she won't masturbate on her own. *sigh*

Good luck!

Thanks

Excellent points...the second in particular.
I want a clear line, boundry. I have been so confused about love and sex. My touch will be a loving and giving as much as possible. I will clearly declare my hunger and my need, even if it just for clarity for myself. I don't want to tell her she's not enough. I also don't want to coax her......woo and seduce maybe.....again, with a clear declaration of my intention. I get confused without that definition.
So, maybe my loving touch will soothe her. I'm not giving up on that. She says she's willing to help me with my "need", so I'll ask for medicine every few days as needed. It's all about clarity.
My Izzy has no libido. She doesn't masturbate. She firmly believes there is no point to sex/karezza if not for the O.
Another week or so of hangover.....I know......