Can't Seem To Make It To Week Three

Submitted by The Fonz on
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Yesterday was day 12 of my experiment of not masturbating and not viewing pornography.

Then I had a wet dream last night. I've been trying to do three weeks of no porn and no masturbation since September. Since taking up the experiment, I've been having a few wet dreams here and there, which was a surprise for me because I thought guys stopped having wet dreams after puberty.

Also, since taking up the experiment, I haven't been able to make it to three weeks yet. I'll go a week, then give in and masturbate to porn. Then maybe another week, then give in. Then maybe two weeks, then give in. I believe the closest I got was when I went two weeks and four days.

I'm a bit disappointed to admit that this time around has been no exception. I woke up in the middle of the night last night to see I'd had a wet dream, then I went back to sleep. Then, when I woke up this morning, I started craving masturbation and porn because I felt as though I missed out on an orgasm (I was unconscious when it happened), and I wanted to be there and conscious to enjoy it.

As some of you may know, I was tempted to watch Christina Aguilera's new video because it supposedly had a lesbian bondage theme to it (I have a fetish for bondage, particularly lesbian bondage).
Marnia gave good advice by saying that "once I've seen one, I've seen them all," as in watching this hot video would be no different from all the other hot lesbian bondage themed videos I watch because they both lead to the same sense of dissatisfaction at the end. And she said I should "fastforward past the buzz and think about the feeling of disappointment that would follow."

Great advice. Made a lot of sense to me. Yet I still couldn't resist. I checked out the video, and it was exactly as I expected. Salacious lesbian bondage, but a lot more high budget than what I'm used to watching. I was so turned on that I could have masturbated right away, but I wanted to make the buzz last, so then I searched a few more videos and images of lesbian bondage (cheaper in budget). And then I masturbated.

Almost immediately afterwards, I felt disappointed. It was like I "came to." It felt like I had been in an altered state of consciousness where I couldn't control myself, and then I was suddenly myself again, wondering why my pants were down, haha.

But, anyway, this forum has taught me that it's not healthy to feel guilt about your relapses. But I am a bit disappointed that I haven't been able to break this cycle of going a while without masturbating and porn, and then giving in. And I'm wondering if anyone has any advice or encouragement of how I can break this cycle and make it to my three-week goal?

Though I can see why this week was especially difficult. The universe kinda just sprung the Christina Aguilera thing on me. Every music web site I went to---whether it was music blogs or billboard.com--was hyping up her new video for its "risque" content. And since my fetish is often stigmatized, it's exciting for me when mainstream culture seems to embrace it.

Not making excuses, just trying to not feel too guilty and ashamed.

Cheers, everyone.
Good luck in your endeavours.
Ralph (fake name).

Oh, and when I say that my

Oh, and when I say that my fetish is bondage (particularly lessbian bondage), I mean that I'm into either bondage where a guy is tied up by a woman, or where a woman is tied up by another woman. I find any bondage that features a woman tied up by a man extremely disturbing. And, unfortunately, in my internet porn binges, I'll sometimes accidentally stumble upon this type of bondage (another reason why I see quitting porn to be worth pursuing...the things you accidentally stumble upon in your searches).

Also, would like to add that I noticed a lot of positive aspects on my twelve days of not masturbating and not viewing porn. I felt as though I was constantly cracking jokes with people, unafraid of getting crickets (most times my jokes lef to laughs). Also, I noticed my creative output was high, my eneregy level was high, and I didn`t ruminate and worry as much.

So ya, there`s a positive end to my rant. And thanks to everyone for the advice and encouragement this past week and a bit. I don`t think I would have made it to twelve days without your feedback.

Cheers.

Thanks for the report

Somehow I'm not surprised that Christina won that round. Wink Once a seed like that is planted, it often grows...with or without your participation. That's why cues are so powerful. And, unfortunately, I'm sure there's something equally exciting waiting in the wings.

Sounds like you think you're caught in a loop. The other guys will probably have good suggestions.

I was wondering what would happen if you tried something different...just to outsmart your limbic brain. Maybe try sensual, fantasy/porn-free [<-- that's the key factor] masturbation around day 12 and then try to go for another 12 days?

Reactivating the porn loop is making your effort tougher, as you know. It keeps you wired into all those "hot" cues when they pop up. Especially when you decide to look at something you find particularly exciting. While it seems to make sense that "if you're going for it, get the *best* kicks," the fact is that, the more intensely you stimulate, the more desensitized (unsatisfied and susceptible) you tend to be over the following days...which could be why the cycle keeps running.

So maybe try the "less is more" approach to masturbation, if your body is so determined to stay on its own schedule for now. Smile Just a thought.

Haha. Yes, I'm not surprised

Haha. Yes, I'm not surprised she won that round either. She did come out swinging. But I'm determined to come back in round two. I anticipate having to deal with the video becoming a hit and being played on TV, and having to find ways to leave the room or look away if I'm watching TV with others when it comes on. And, yes, there is always something new and equally as exciting popping up when you least expect it. Just when I thought I survived the hotness of "Videophone" by Beyonce and Lady Gaga, "Not Myself Tonight" by Christina Aguilera comes along. And something will inevitably come after and top it.

You anticipated my "if you're going for it, might as well get the best kicks" argument to masturbating porn-free. I've argued that point to myself many times. It's like if I was on a diet, and then one night I was unable to fight the urge to have a treat. I argue to myself that I might as well have a large slice of "death by chocolate" cake, rather than just a small chocolate-chip cookie. Since I'm breaking my diet anyway. But you're right, the "hangover" is worse when I have the "death by chocolate" cake.

So, yes, I will definitely try the porn-free masturbation technique, now that you articulated the counter-argument so well.

Cheers.
P.S. Thanks for your wise and humorous responses. They give me great advice, and also help me to take a humorous view of the situation which I often times seem to take too seriously.

You have it exactly right

[quote=Ralph]find ways to leave the room or look away if I'm watching TV with others when it comes on[/quote]

This is all we can really do. Sexual stimuli are everywhere these days and they will cause arousal before you even realize what's happening. But as you strengthen the habit of saying "Nah, don't want to go there" instead of "Yes! Yes! More!" it gets easier and easier to leave the room or look away in the future.

Yeah,

it's important to keep laughing. Truly, these videos really shouldn't be taken anymore seriously than cartoons. It's easier to dump a habit when it doesn't have a big "charge" on it.

And, the part of your brain that's creating the challenge doesn't give a damn about content. It'll fire up for anything that happens to trip the wiring.

Marnia hit the nail on the

Marnia hit the nail on the head, and so did you for that matter. Its important to get out of that porn cycle. Its accurate with that whole chocolate chip/death by chocolate analogy. You start to make progress when you are able to make decisions that dont encourage that all or nothing thinking. When you can choose the one chocolate chip cookie and not binge on death by chocolate, you know you are making progress. Part of this addiction is the shame cycle and perfectionism. You'll find that moderation and that one chocolate chip cookie can help you to prevent a binge and you will feel a whole lot different in the future. Its deeply entrenched in addicts to react this way for some reason, but you seem to be coming into contact with it and realizing it. Your awareness is growing in this and that's a major step to getting this under control.

It helps to experience life without orgasm. The first three weeks are physically the hardest, and you are making tons of personal progress by trying, but realize that this stuff is very difficult for everyone. The fact that you have been attempting this since September is remarkable.

What other ways can you think of to limit your exposure to this media? When we are recovering, its helpful to remove ourselves from our triggers for a while. If you were placed in an inpatient addiction clinic, what would the environment be? They remove all triggers until the addict can go back out into the world. Since we are not in a clinic, we might need to make some adjustments until we can deal with the world.

-take some physical actions to limit your exposure. self parenting! Get an internet filter like k9. Prevents you from certain sites. I thought it was a pain and totally impractical to use because Im a student and it got in the way sometimes, but once you adjust it and find a safe person to keep your password safe, it is a miracle. I have had it on my computer for 6 weeks and I have not looked at porn for 6 weeks. Because I simply cannot. You can program it to not go onto certain sites either by telling the program not to let you. It takes a second to adjust this, but its worth it. Let me know if you want me to hold your password safe. You might need it to make adjustments to your internet filter, but you dont want to have access to it at the drop of a hat. I have found media reduction to be pretty beneficial in general for my quality of life.

I bet you see a difference, just by limiting your frequency to once every twelve days you are healing. We are still recovering even if we dont make it past our cycle. That time spent away from porn and allowing our bodies and minds to cycle down from years of abuse is beneficial, even if we dont notice it immediately. A lot is happening beneath the surface and your shame will have less hold on you, making you a little more natural in being social.

Keep up the good work and keep reporting your thoughts and feelings, they are as helpful to you as they are to others here.

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato

Thank you for your thoughts,

Thank you for your thoughts, JRsun.

I think I will be able to just go for that one chocolate chip cookie next time. Before I knew of this forum, I would just argue with my "mammalian brain" about whether I should just masturbate without porn or go "all or nothing," and the mammalian brain would always win. But now I'm having the argument with other qualified human beings, and the points they have made have made me think about it in a whole different way.

I will definitely try to insulate myself from triggers. Maybe not using the K9 idea, but just my willpower. Today I went on YouTube to check out a Justin Timberlake video, and, whilst doing so, there was a big banner advertising my newest trigger-- Christina Aguilera's new video (haha..can't get away from it). Which reminded me that I have to be careful with the media I consume.

And, yes, I do believe that my constant attempts--even though most of them have ended with my relapsing--have made an accumulative difference in my overall well-being. I definitely do see a difference in my overall mood and energy-level. If I were to think back to how I felt even a year ago...what a difference.

Also, I will continue to share my thoughts, feelings, and stories with this forum. I now have 24 hours under my belt without masturbating or viewing porn. I will probably wait until I have a full week to update everyone on my progress.

It has been so helpful writing about my experiences on this forum, and getting feedback, and reading that other people have had similar successes and encountered similar obstacles.

Cheers. Good luck.

On a serious note might I

On a serious note might I suggest trying to cut back on the triggers even more. Say try to stay away from youtube and similar sites. I have. I have cut back almost all of my sites. I visit very few now. I even stopped doing searches for the most part. I have my browser safe surf set to max and I have no idea what the password is :). It does not block much but it helps for when I do a search. Would not help if I decided to go looking for porn. I gave up other media as well. Commercial TV is one. I also have taken stuff out of my netflix queue to wait for a later time after I feel I can handle it. I still just close my eyes during stuff I come across and do not expect. I was watching what the bleep do we know. It had a section in it with a mild sex scene and other stuff that was erotic in nature. I had to close my eyes for several minutes and just listen. That was a little annoying but It is what I do to keep myself from relapsing. Not sure when I will trust myself again. Maybe never. I feel it good for me to just avoid as much as possible for as long as possible. I do not plan of watching porn ever again. It is impossible to avoid the other stuff unless I moved to a remote place and became a hermit with no contact with the outside world. That is not an option :).

You are doing well though. Try many things. Try all the suggestions and Solo stuff on here. I know I have tried many things in the past year plus. I resisted the solo stuff a lot :). It was just I had very little control and it caused relapses even recently. You never know what may be helpful for you. http://www.reuniting.info/node/3825#comment-21037 I listed the stuff that has worked the best for me here.

It is very hard to deal with the stuff you have little control over. Like wet dreams and being exposed to triggers you do not expect. It is all a learning experience though. Just try to use it like that. Any relapse is learning. If you get into shame or hating yourself for giving in it will just get worse. I know I have been on that side. As long as you do not give up on yourself you will be fine.

keep reading and posting here I think that is one of the biggest things. It really helps to share and support each other.

Wishing you well
Be Safe
James