Why Stay?

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Submitted by Aphrodites Chela on
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From Context http://www.reuniting.info/node/3792#comment-21276
My response to Lazarus Arisen, about 24 hours after my one stroke orgasm
Sun, 2010-05-02 07:34 — Aphrodites Chela Ok...not a doormat
I'm more like a pair of comfortable shoes. Available when needed. Not too shabby and very supportive. Something reliable to put on for a walk, to run errands and to wear dancing. I like that. It works well for me too. I'm just not very good at sitting on the shelf. Hotspring speaks of memory. I remember all too well when I was new and cherished, cared for and cleaned.
I'm not a pair of shoes. I am a loving, supportive man filled with desire

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Thu, 2010-05-06 10:36 — hotspring
Right. So why not break up with her then?

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Thu, 2010-05-06 11:54 — Aphrodites Chela 5th day post O and I am thinking divorce.
Let me get some sobriety. I'm thinking 21 days would be good. I'm also thinking no divorce conversation before then.

Day 7 post orgasm
Curious Fellow threatened divorce and it woke his wife up. Also when we were seperated for several months, about 20 years ago, my Izzy moved back in and became real loving for several months after I brought the topic up (no threat, just discussion).
Today I wonder: If I am shoes to her (in my mind) what is she to me. A clothing metaphor isn't really working (silk boxers was close) but I can't discard her as easily as clothes (although I think I could put my hands on a dashiki).
Today, she is my left arm.

Comments

AC, I always love reading

AC, I always love reading your posts because they are so eloquently written and give me lots of food for thought (are you a writer by profession?).

However, they also frustrate the heck out of me because I always find myself asking the same question, "Why do you stay?"

I read your blog coming from the perspective of someone who stayed in a relationship for 20 years with their very best friend and it was only when *he* decided he wanted to live another kind of life did we agree to go our own ways. Like you, I was comfortable and probably would have stayed forever.

And now I have a relationship with a man whom I consider to be my true match in mind, body and soul. And the mismatch I had with my ex-husband is so clear now and I wonder about all the years we both were miserable and longing for something more.

Sometimes two people are best just being friends. Because when one partner longs for more than that, how can it ever be reconciled?

You seem to have so much passion inside you and I hope you can find a way to express it, rather than shut it down for the sake of your relationship with your wife.

I hope I haven't said too much~

rediscovered

Jealousy

Always love hearing from you...even if your words do frighten me. You took the step, the great leap, I am afraid to take.

Writing is torture for me....this morning's answer to Cole "Wow" http://www.reuniting.info/node/3792at took more than an hour

Friends? I dunno. We live in a small town. Our history includes seeing her with other men/lovers, and was very painful. I believe I would have to leave town......left arm amputation.....the fruit of my passion.

Stifling my desire.....let's just say I'm looking for an appropriate outlet that is a manifestation of love and passion rather than my need for medicine.

Give me 21 days of sobriety and see what's up

Day 8

Bitter and cold yesterday, but clear, not reactive, still, open honest. But my is head filled with thoughts about The Relationship. That's my work today, try to clear that shit out. Went to town and was very chatty with friends and shop girls, quiet and cool at home. I don't feel brittle and that is good. It was good to smile at people and be out. I was beginning to be afraid my face was going to get stuck in a frown.
Today I actually had a pleasant thought about my left arm

Overly simple answers

Stay busy - for your own sake, and your joint sakes. Stick with the pleasant thought - otherwise, it can get too overwhelming/preoccupying to the point that you can't think, act, or decide clearly.

Sometimes the truth isn't good enough. Sometimes people deserve more; sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded.

Stay Busy

Indeed...."Idle hands are the Devil's playground."
Not much in the way of pleasant thoughts, but we did manage some light chit chat. Took some pressure off, a little less bitterness, 'tho depression is still with me. No interest in sex, porn or bonding behaviors....not afraid I'll explode, no joy. I don't want to look at her. Loooooow dopamine
It's a little different this time, this time of seeking autonomy. I'm not hoping or waiting for her. I'm waiting for me, waiting to see what develops. Waiting to see what's inside this chrysalis... dead worm or butterfly?
Day 9 post orgasm day 4(?) in the cacoon

Day 11 Report

Hotspring said, "Leave her alone." 6 days of doing just that. The constant dialogue in my head about The Relationship has faded. The quiet desperation is gone. No anger, just being really strong in considering my Self first. No hugs, brief kisses of greeting and parting. No ogling. I treat her like the parent of one of my clients when she exposes herself. Some of these young women (16-29) wear really exposing clothes. Out of respect, and consideration that I am a professional, a guest, and 40 years older, when they start to bend over, revealing a whole lot of breast, I mean at the merest hit of inclination, I avert my eyes. Same with Izzy, when she comes out of the shower to dress by the fire, or is in spandex ready for work, or.....OMG! I'm getting hard......let's see....where was I? OK, I'm not asking for ANYTHING, not hugs, not talk about The Relationship, nor eye contact.... She must ask for everything. I'm not particularly concerned that she hasn't asked for anything. She seems ok with it. I'm not joyous nor depressed. I'm participating in conversations that interest me and in householder mutual support stuff. Being still.

"The Relationship!" To me,

"The Relationship!"

To me, reference to The Relationship, is a sure sign relating has gone by the wayside. When we relate through our concept of The Relationship, things are pretty bad. We think a Relationship is a real thing. But we don't actually enjoy Relationships. We enjoy relating. imho.

So True

I consider myself in deep trouble, my mind is deeply troubled, when I am thinking thinking thinking about who we are, what we're doing, where are we going, what does it mean, what was said, what I should have said, what I'm going to say, what I'm going to say if she says, what I'm going to say if says to what I said......'scuse me while I barf

Thanks for caring

Put your tongue back in your mouth!

Test! what test? I haven't studied!
I think she likes me not bugging her. Sometimes she gives me this kind of whimsical look that I project as, "How long you gonna keep this game up? I can outlast you." I don't think she'll ever ask for sex. She has only asked when I've heated her up, and that ain't happening.
BTW I have never denied my Isadora anything she's asked for.

I layed with her last night, as per our agreement to be in bed together on her non-work days. Only a brief kiss in parting. My libido is slowly returning.
We were talking in the car about an art exhibit where the patrons passed between two naked, motionless people. I said if I were to do a performance piece like that, the people would hug the patrons. Or I would create a large, soft, seated puppet with human face, on whose lap the patrons may sit and be enfolded in the puppets arms (the puer lives!). She said, "How do you know when a hug is a gift?" As is usual for me, the answer comes today. A hug is very seldom, if ever, a gift from me. I give a hug because I want that kind of closeness. I have supposed that "my wanting" is a gift...hah! A hug is always received, by me, as a gift.
As are your comments

Maybe you should give her a

Maybe you should give her a new name? Izzy to me sounds like a loose, floozy, blousy, perhaps tipsy, certainly snazzy probably haughty but certainly fun hachi mama. None of which describe your interactions with her. Isadora invokes something else entirely. Intimidating, exquisite, desireable but unreachable, perhaps controlling or overly controlled, eloquent but cold. Who is she really?

Naming

she/her
my wife
Izzy
My Izzy
Isadora
My Isadora
My Beloved

All of the above and more. Of course she is independent of all that, and that, is carried in her real name.
We stand in relationship. You only know her through me, and I am mercurial.
Izzy is hot and I want sex with her. Isadora is adored. I chose the name to honor her creativity in dance. I think you, or Marnia, came up with Izzy.

Twila? Tharp
Mia? Michaels
Martha? Graham
Ruth? St. Denis
Doris? Humphrey
Katherine? Dunham
Tandy Beal
Carmen? Miranda.....ooh, Bizet's tragic Carmen....
Charo?
Busby?

Why Stay

I like supporting her art and the contribution she makes to our community. Isadora just presented a recital of her students. Not only is she a gifted teacher, she also created 15 beautiful and meaningful dances. No child who wants to take dance classes will be turned away for lack of money. I like being part of that.

And we got chemistry, yep, we got the dope

Day 15 no O......Day 7 Don't Ask, Don't Tell
The last two nights I had sex dreams. Libido is back, full on. Both nights we've been in bed together, reading talking, me in PJ's, not looking at her, only contact a brief kiss in parting. Both dreams the primary activity was suckling. Friday night, I was with a woman very different than my Izzy, short black hair, skinny with very small breasts. We were fucking. Last night, my Izzy sat up in bed and moved around a lot, her nakedness always in my periphery. This is our old pattern. She displays herself, I ogle and fondle, and she responds or rejects me. I don't want to play any more. I want a new game that I don't know the name of, or the rules....something that feels more respectful, or equal, or something. The Reuniting Game looks real good to me, but Isadora doesn't want to play.....so I dunno. Last night's dream was just breast, suckling on the cosmic teat. I woke up hard and it took some serious meditation effort to get sex images out of my brain (5 mg. Ambien helped too). Looks like this new game has to deal with the puer, something about finding my own food, feeding myself.....

AC, I am sorry for your

AC, I am sorry for your predicament. I admire you for trying to take charge of yourself and your sex life. However, it seems maddening and demoralizing. I have a friend that is in the same situation and its hell to him. I would highly suggest taking her off the pedestal. Until you put yourself first, its going to be like this.

http://www.nomoremrniceguy.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=16

Please check out this resource, its tons of guys that are going through what you are going through and finding solutions to it. More than you having a lot to offer someone, you have a lot to offer yourself.

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato

Dude!

They banned me for talking too much about Marnia and Gary
But I sweet talked 'em into letting me back....there be lots of testosterone over there

I read your posts over there

I read your posts over there and that should not have warranted a ban, you hardly talked about Marnia and Gary. I have talked about reuniting extensively and have directed people directly to this website and it has never been a problem. That doesnt make ANY sense. Are you sure it happened that way?

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato

Well

You didn't see the post that got me banned...they removed it in minutes. I think I need to build some cred.
My very first post went something like this:
"HEY GUYS!!!!!! Stop jacking off and read Marnia Robinson and Gary Wilson's stupendous NEW book "Cupid's Poisoned Arrow"!!!!!! and check out their REALLY COOL website (better that yours and they're not so money grubbing as RG) at www.reuniting.info!!!!!!!!"
For some reason they thought I was spammer.....go figure.
St. Chela likes her halo