Submitted by The Fonz on
Printer-friendly version

I have decided to keep a log of my daily journey towards going a week without p/m/o. I will only do this to help me through the first week, and then I will attempt to go another two weeks without p/m/o.

I was a bit above a week without p/m/o when on the night of May 9th I had a wet dream. I then woke up, fought off the urges to have a conscious orgasm until about 12: 30, and then I gave in and masturbated to porn.

I felt awful and guilty about it. It affected my mood to the point where I started being a bit rude to the people around me. I decided that wasn’t fair, so I meditated for a while, in an attempt to get my mood back to a point where I wasn’t being bratty to those around me.
The meditating helped a lot, and then I felt like I was ready to bounce back from my relapse. I made it through the rest of the day, then went to bed early because I had to get up early today to start my work week.

I woke up in the middle of the night after having a nightmare about my ex-girlfriend. I felt nauseous and depressed like I haven’t felt for a long time, and I started ruminating on stuff and it made it difficult for me to get back to sleep. But then I decided to meditate intensely and I somehow managed to get back to sleep. Then literally one minute before the time I was supposed to wake up, I had another wet dream.
I woke up frustrated, thinking, “Not another orgasm! What did I do to deserve this? Is the universe punishing me for my relapse?” And now I have to go into work and face work with people who I don’t really care about or feel any attachment to. (I think this is the hangover talking).

Also, later tonight my friend girl who is a big touchy-feely flirt is coming over. She’s also coming over on Wednesday. Apparently she and her boyfriend are going through a rough time, and I’m afraid she’s going to be more flirty because of it.

In the past, her touchy-feelyness has caused me to have premature ejaculations or has led to porn-viewing relapses or wet dreams. So I’m going to try to keep my distance from her tonight. Like, if she wants to rest her head on my shoulder, that’s fine, but if she wants to rest her head in my lap, no sir. I’ve had three orgasms in about the past 24 hours, which is one of the worst I’ve done since September, so I can’t let her make me have more.

Wish me luck.
(Sorry if the tone of this log is super cynical. I’m hoping that the tone will become more cheery as I get some respectable time under my belt without p/m/o).

No apologies needed

You're not the first to notice that once something destabilizes the situation there's often a chain reaction. So be gentle with yourself.

Suggestion. What about exchanging foot massages? Touch can actually help balance you, if it's not highly erotic, and gives you something to DO. Find a way to SHARE your energy, a way to channel your energy into nurturing someone else. You might also enjoy *getting* a foot massage.

Good luck!

Hmmm

I read somewhere that nocturnal emissions aren't related to the frequency of one's ejaculations, and your account seems to give credit to that article.

Anyway, good luck, Ralph! I'm sure you'll do just fine! Keep us updated.

- SL

24 Hours Without P/M/OWoo

24 Hours Without P/M/O

Woo hoo! Now I've got twenty four hours without p/m/o under my belt. I often find that the first twenty four hours are the most difficult. So now that I've gotten over that hump, I believe I can keep it going.

During the first 24 hours, I felt lazy and whiny, but being around people actually helped. I was moody when I wrote my first log, and I said in it that I wasn't looking forward to having to face work and the people I work with. I fantasized about having a week to myself where I could recover, and then come back and face the world. But once I did face the world, I realized the people in it aren't too bad, haha/ They helped me keep my mind off my unnecessary guilt.

Then hanging out with my touchy-feely flirty friend girl helped a lot. She helped make me laugh and engaged me in good conversation. Also, the touchy-feelyness was nice and "healing," rather than erotic for the most part. I took your advice and we did the foot massage exchange. The only scary part was when she put her legs in my lap and started stretching her foot and being squirmy in general (aka rubbing her gorgeous legs on my crotch area, haha). But at that point, I removed her legs from me and pretended I had to go to the washroom. I checked to see if I had a premature ejaculation (I did not), then cooled off and went back. We hang out again tonight, and it's going to be just me and her, so I'm going to have to be careful once again.

Thank you for saying to be "gentle with myself," Marnia. I remember a time where I would masturbate to pornography completely guilt-free, thinking that I was "sexually liberating" myself. Now sometimes I go the opposite extreme and feel uber-guilty. It's something I will have to work on.

I think that sometimes I will adopt that old care-free attitude towards pornography and frequent masturbation right before I relapse. It's weird because your arguments and the scientific evidence you use to back up your arguments have convinved me that it's better to cut back on orgasms and to not view pornography. Plus my own experience has showed me the benefits of cutting back. However, sometimes I'll listen to conflicting voices on the matter when I'm about to relapse, maybe in an attempt to ease the guilt and get back to that former "sexually liberated" me:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/just-listen/201001/why-men-use-porn-...
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/homo-consumericus/201001/pornography...

But you are preaching the same method of being "guilt free," so I need to remember that next time.

Well, wish me luck tonight and in the following days. I'll keep you all updated. Thanks so much for the feedback. It is helping a lot.

Ralph (fake name)

Too easy to forget

[quote=Ralph]
I think that sometimes I will adopt that old care-free attitude towards pornography and frequent masturbation right before I relapse. It's weird because your arguments and the scientific evidence you use to back up your arguments have convinved me that it's better to cut back on orgasms and to not view pornography. Plus my own experience has showed me the benefits of cutting back.[/quote]

I have done it too. It's a common experience among addicts of all kinds. The limbic brain knows the logical brain won't let it have what it wants unless it changes its views and opinions, and suddenly, *poof*, all our noble ideals are out the window. Later we come back to our senses and realize we were duped.

Yeah, no point in feeling

Yeah, no point in feeling guilty. It doesn't help at all does it? I feel a weird sort of guilt after I masturbate, like I let myself down or something and just threw all the good vibes I was feeling in the trash. Moping about it doesn't help either, you've just got to do your time I guess, that how it feels for me. I might as well do my time feeling as positive as I can than moping and regretting about it all day and making things harder and worse than they need to be.

Sometimes,

I think it's good to just thank your limbic system. It's only trying to get you your "meds," bless its little heart.

Yes, time is needed to return to balance, but there *are* some things you can do meanwhile to help. Make a list so you know what to reach for when you need to...because, as you say, Ralph, you may not feel like reaching for them when in that post-O trough. For example, knowing that being around people is actually helpful, even if you'd prefer a desert island, is useful. Even taking a walk can be a good step.

And remember the cold water on the genitals trick if Missy gets too friendly with her sexy little toes. Wink

48 Hours Without P/M/O Woo

48 Hours Without P/M/O

Woo hoo! I survived "Missy's sexy little toes," haha. Not that I had to "survive" her presence. It was reallly nice hanging out with her. We had good long discussion about her relationship problems. She said I was a good listenener, which made me feel good.

Work was fine. I still felt a bit socially awkward and offbeat, but there were also some good interactions and I felt pretty productive.

When I came home from it, I had a good dance session to 80s hits (Come On Eileen, Hey Mickey, etc.). Then I did some pushups and situps, feeling energized from the dance warmup.

Have to go into work in a bit. Feeling pretty good, more able to face the challenges and the people.
Wish me luck.
Thanks so much for the feedback.
Cheers.

Three Days

Three Days Without P/M/O

Good advice on not "believing" the mood swings. I find that I get sulky and moody sometimes when in my hangover period. I remind myself of how I was a couple years ago on a pretty regular basis. I just considered myself a cynical person, and thought that my dark outlook on life was the realistic outlook, and all the happy bubbly people were just fake. Now that I've discovered this whole thing of cutting back on orgasms and pornorgaphy, I feel like one of those bubbly people. And I notice that the cynical sulky people are just boring, haha.

I still feel like my homeostasis is recovering. Like, I'm still having mood swings, but I'm getting better. I'm feeling energetic, talkative, and creative. Being more talkative is a huge improvement I've noticed since taking on this experiment.

I used to be a "man of few words," thinking that that made me have more depth or something. But now I feel more coonversational. I wish I spoke louder though. I always get told I'm too quiet. Anyone have any vocal techniques to help me speak louder? Haha.

Well, I'm in a rush because I have to get ready for work, and I have to get some supplies for a trip out of town to a friends' house. I may skip updating my daily log tomorrow because of this trip. So if you don't see a post from me, don't think I've given up my attempt at going a week without p/m/o.

Cheers.

wait and see

[quote=Ralph]I wish I spoke louder though. I always get told I'm too quiet. Anyone have any vocal techniques to help me speak louder? Haha.[/quote]

This might clear up on its own. It's easier to be socially assertive when you stay away from the porn. Give it a few weeks and see how you feel then.

Agreed, this has been my

Agreed, this has been my experience for sure. I noticed with my relapse last week and probably with a lot of the stress too, my voice seemed higher, lighter, and more "boyish". I hadnt really noticed this subtle change, but over the last year since Ive been doing this recovery, my voice has actually become deeper and stronger. It was weird to see my voice go back to that this week. Also, I think working out has had something to do with that too. It might be from increasing testosterone overall. Both abstaining and weight lifting have an effect on a male's testosterone, which has a direct effect on secondary sexual characteristics like voice.

You sound good though. Thanks for the insights.

Also, Are you romantically interested in this girl that keeps coming over to talk about her boyfriend?

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato

Ralph,

you crack me up. What you said is funny, but wise, and very close to my own experience. Just shows that these changes come from the inside out, eh?

I mean "angst" feels so...weighty. But lightheartedness can actually lead to a lot more insight. For one thing, you've got energy for thinking about someone besides yourself. Smile

Five Days Without

Five Days Without P/M/O

daventryHero and JRSun, thanks for the advice. I do believe that this cutting back thing may help my vocal assertivess, but I'm also going to work on it on my own. Maybe read out loud for twenty minutes every day. Something like that.

JRSun, good question on this girl who always come over to talk about her boyfriend. I find her uber cute and sexy. And interesting and smart. But I've been friends with her for, like, nine years. And she's really good friends with my ex girlfriend. So it'd be weird if I ever made a move on her or vice versa, though in the past couple years we've become more and more flirty. Part of me hopes for a When Harry Met Sally conclusion, but I don't think that'll happen.

Marnia, thanks for saying I crack you up. And, yes, being "angsty" tweny-four seven is quite draining. Haha. Glad someone else can relate from the progression to being sulky and cynical to being happy and bubbly.

So...an update on how I've been doing. I went out of town for a couple days to see my friends' art exhibit. It was a bit of a social challenge for me, all these artsy people shmoozing. But I managed to get through it, and I even made a few people laugh. Then I stayed over at this friends' house. I was really nervous because we were going to have dinner with his cousin, his cousin's wife and their friend. I didn't know these people, so I thought it was going to be super awkward. But I decided my social "technique" would be to listen really well, rather than try to get in on the conversations and whatever, and it worked quite well.

I've been feeling a bit hornier than usual. Which I partly feel is a good thing. I've been getting turned on by actual women in real life, not just images on a computer. Today I saw a girl with nice legs wearing some daisy dukes, and it aroused me quite a bit. But I tried not to get too aroused to the point where I'd want to go relapse on p/m/o.

So, that's how I'm doing. Two more days and I've reached my first goal of making it to one week without p/m/o. Wish me luck.

The reason why I bring it up

The reason why I bring it up is because Ive been in a similar position before and the longing for this girl ate at me and deprived me of my self respect at the time. Unfortunately, the romantic comedy ending rarely happens as women are usually not attracted to guys they confide their love lives with, but see them more in the light of "girlfriend". Its something to be aware of because the anticipation, lack of fulfillment, and not being on the same page can fuel feelings that contribute to addiction and depression. If you are comfortable with this kind of arrangement, it might not be a big deal, but be aware that a lot of guys that struggle with porn find themselves in situations like this more often than they would like.

Good job on making progress with this, its not a light task!

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato

Laugh

Keep up the good work.... Remember that laughing can do a hell of a lot good, even if it is pretended. Laugh at yourself or something silly you did. Even if it is the fact that you felt worried about reaching the goal. I bet you that if you start doing the proverbial ROFL routine, even as a pretend, you will find that you suddenly have a hard time not seeing the fun in the situation, and the laughter is suddenly real. Laughter is the best medicine when we don't seem to have a handle on everything. You seem to have included humor in your routine that is good.
Flowing Searcher

Six Days Without P/M/O

Feeling pretty good. Feeling pretty confident that I can make it to my first goal of one week (the ultimate goal is three weeks, but I won’t beat myself up over it if I don’t reach that goal).

One thing that has helped me get this far is being aware of triggers. I used to just think that accidentally seeing something sexy on TV or in real life were my only triggers. But now I’m much more aware of how stress can be a trigger for me as well. And I believe that no matter how peaceful-zen-nirvana your lifestyle is, life will always throw stressors your way. So I’m just trying to be aware of stress rather than trying to avoid it.

There was a time where I would masturbate to porn to “help me relax.” Like, if I had a particularly hard day, I would reward myself with a bit of porn and masturbation, thinking that it would help me to “de-stress.” So I think I’ve unfortunately trained my brain to look at masturbation to porn as an answer to stress. But I’m trying to re-train my brain these days. I find that attempting to be more aware of stress as it arises allows me to step back and do something to prevent it from leading to a relapse.

A lot of things stressed me out yesterday...just thinking about the busy week coming up, thinking about the big lifestyle changes that are coming up (moving to a new city in September), hearing people around me being noisy and argumentative with each other, and even watching some people on reality TV whose personalities annoyed me. Yet I managed to not let that stress lead to a relapse. Woo hoo!

The other day I watched Something About Mary again. There is a scene in it where “Dom” advises “Ted” to “clean the pipes” before his date as a means of getting rid of any pre-date jitters. I loved this movie when I was younger and I still somewhat enjoyed it this time (I think I’ve outgrown much of the slap stick comedy in it though, haha). So I wonder if—when I watched it when I was younger--if I internalized that, and looked at “cleaning the pipe” as a means of relieving stress. Huh. Not sure. But I’m starting to psychoanalyze myself now, so I’ll stop here, haha.

Wish me luck. And good luck to all of you in your endeavours.

clean the pipes

[quote=Ralph]The other day I watched Something About Mary again. There is a scene in it where “Dom” advises “Ted” to “clean the pipes” before his date as a means of getting rid of any pre-date jitters.[/quote]

It's funny, this idea got so far into popular culture guys would actually do it back when I was in college. Me too, I admit Wink Not sure if it started with this movie though.

There's so much

advice out there that now sounds a false note when I hear it. I really see things...differently.

But what matters most is experience. It looks like the desire to engage in intimacy really *can* de-stress us. But it's likely that despite the instant "relief" orgasm provides, it doesn't decrease stress, whereas warm touch does. So the urge to use porn to de-stress may be a kind of...misunderstanding. A totally understandable assumption that if sex destresses, it has to be the great-feeling orgasm that does it. Especially since it can knock one out.

Gary surprised me last week by pointing out that the experiments on orgasm in the lab don't show much drop in cortisol (the stress hormone) after orgasm, whereas warm touch consistently IS associated with a drop in cortisol...unless someone is really stressed about a relationship (especially if the someone is a "she" Smile ). This could explain a lot, but it will be challenging to write up, so I've been putting it off. Soon. Wink

Day 7

Hooray! I made it to my first goal: one week without p/m/o. Thanks so much for all the feedback on my daily log. It helped so much. It was like having daily digital AA meetings. PMA meetings rather. Porn and Masturbationaholics Anonymous. Feel free to use that, haha.

I feel the best I’ve felt since I relapsed a week ago, almost as if it’s been a steady upward spiral for my mood. But, if I look back on it, I can see that there were a lot of highs and lows.I had one of the most energetic days today. I kept busy and didn’t seem to get tired. I felt as though the more activities I did, the more energetic I started to feel.

So my next goal is to make it to two weeks without p/m/o. I won’t keep a daily log for it, but I will check in every once in a while if I find something I feel I should share or if I need advice on how to overcome some of the obstacles I might be facing.

I’m a bit worried because I know I have a busy and stressful week of work ahead of me (have to make two presentations on top of everything else).

It’s my birthday on Thursday, and I would really like to make it to at least my b day without p/m/o. Wish me luck. And good luck to all of you in your endeavours.

As Marnia likes to say, *big hugs*

"I felt as though the more

"I felt as though the more activities I did, the more energetic I started to feel."

Thats being proactive with your recovery. You cant wait for the feelings to come to you before you go out into the world and are active. Recovery is about building new roads in our brain. It can be hard when we are floundering in withdrawals. I dont want to do anything right now because I have a headache and havent been sleeping well, but I cannot remain a passive observer either.

Those presentations will be a lot better without any shame or social anxiety oozing out of ya! hang in there this week, its worth it.

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato