Update / E.D.

Submitted by CuriousFellow on
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Since my wife started sleeping with me again about three months ago, we have had sex four times. The first two times were karezza. The third time I lost control and had an orgasm. I just let it happen without trying to intensify the feelings, so the orgasm wasn't very intense. I didn't notice any hangover from it over the next two weeks, not even the usual (for me) post-O horniness at day 4. We had karezza again a couple weeks later.

There was an unexpected development... I have some ED.

"Sex at age ninety is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." ~George Burns

That's pretty much how it is. I still have erections, but they aren't very strong and long-lasting, which makes penetration difficult. Even getting out of bed for a few seconds can make an erection go away. And once I'm inside, it's difficult to maintain the erection. If I don't move almost continuously, I lose the erection and slip out. And if I move too much, or Zoe moves too much, I get overstimulated and am likely to go over the edge and have an orgasm. (That's what happened the third time.) Overall, having sex is much more frustrating and strenuous than I remembered from seven years ago. I was hoping karezza would be a relaxed activity that could be enjoyed for hours.

Penetration (and putting on a condom, though I haven't done that recently) has always been a bit tricky for me, though I've almost always managed to do it OK, and I used to be fine once I was in. I guess it's gotten worse in the last few years. I just didn't notice because I wasn't having sex.

Not sure what's causing the problem. Advancing age? (I'm 57.) Performance anxiety? Out of practice? At any rate, I haven’t even tried to have sex for a couple of months. The pleasure is not worth the struggle and frustration.

Despite having this problem, I am not feeling down about it. Since embarking on my abstinence experiment, having orgasms has become unimportant and even undesired. And even intercourse, with or without orgasm, has become less important to me. On the other hand, cuddling has always been important and desired, and became even more so when I discovered how wonderful it could be with my girlfriend last Christmas.

The relationship between my wife and me is now more like colleagues in a workplace. She is generally friendly and pleasant to be around. That's completely different from how it was in the last seven years when it seemed like we were at war. In fact things are now better than they have been for about 15 years. I feel at ease around her, not constantly on guard. Sometimes we cuddle together for a few minutes before we go to sleep, or when we wake up, but not as much as I would like.

Not desperately wanting sex is quite liberating. I feel much more free to speak my mind, disagree with what Zoe might say, etc., because I’m no longer concerned about whether she will withhold her favors. To use a rather crude but very descriptive term: I used to be “pussy whipped”. No longer!

I think because the relationship is no longer a major source of stress, my ADD has gotten better. I am making good progress in some moonlighting projects. That's why I haven't been posting much here lately - I'm busy with other projects.

Despite our much-improved relationship, I don't feel like we are lovers. I don't feel much if any love for her. I don't think she loves me either. I think she is sleeping with me and being friendly because... well, I'm not sure, but I would guess she wants me to help pay living expenses, and she doesn't want to go through the major upheaval of divorce, selling the house, and so on. Staying together may feel more comfortable and secure to her than breaking up and going her own way.

Although living and sleeping with her is generally pleasant (I haven’t been seriously angry with her for a couple months), being together is not really a source of great joy for either of us. This is in stark contrast to the truly joyous time I spent with my girlfriend over the Christmas holidays. I will never forget the look on my girlfriend's face as she would get into bed and snuggle up with me, as if there was nothing else in the world she wanted to do more than that. THAT was JOY -- for both of us. It was a joy holding her in my arms as we went to sleep. It was a joy waking up together. It was a joy just being with her, all the time. We felt (and still feel) so safe with each other -- safe to say whatever is on our minds without fearing a bad reaction. Now, we are living 1000 miles apart, but I still call her almost daily. I enjoy talking with her, or just being quiet together. (I call it "phone snuggling" Lol

So, I'm finding it hard to answer the question posed in another thread, "Why Stay?" Why should I stay in a lukewarm marriage for the rest of my life, when I could live with someone who enjoys being with me, and who I would eagerly look forward to coming home to every night?

I'm trying to find a way to break up with my wife gently. I have no desire to hurt her. And I certainly don't want to get torn up in a nasty divorce. I hope I can get her to see that parting company would be in her best interest also. She would be free to find someone more to her liking.


I hear you Curious

You said a lot of important stuff here. I am hardly qualified to comment. I can only say that I TOTALLY get your experience on the ED part. There is NO question that we men have harmed ourselves along the way. Why is it we can get hard as a rock during masturbation, yet barely erect for our wives? It's clearly our brain, not our penis.

The last time my wife allowed me inside of her was July 26, 2009. (almost a year ago) Despite it having been weeks since I orgasmed, I barely erected and when I did, I orgasmed prematurely. Looking back, I know it was my past masturbation that did it. Needless to say, this wasn't a "great" experience for my wife. In fact, it sort of convinced her that I was not fit for regular intercourse. Instead, I became the cuddler.

You aren't alone.


Just curious (no pun intended), how old are you David? I've been a daily masturbator much of my life, and have always had ED problems with women, but I'm not sure that's what caused it. I can get hard as a rock during masturbation as well, but I rarely ever have an urge to go after a woman. If I'm in bed and relaxed, I might eventually respond, but that doesn't seem right for guy in his early 30's. I'm here trying to learn more. I know I shouldn't be concentrating so much on performance, and I'm sure I'm creating a lot of performance anxiety for myself, but it's hard to let it go.

I am 47 and in good health

Far too young to have "regular" E.D. Instead I know for sure that it is my brain that was poorly conditioned by way too much masturbation for a lot of years. I can't say for sure in your case, but masturbation seems a likely culprit. Have you tried to go without masturbation for a while? The first few weeks are difficult, but it gets easier...... I am trying to keep at it.

For me, it's sort of a "done deal". My wife has determined that my masturbation in early life left me sort of a poor performer in the intercourse department. As such, she really says it is not for me. It's going to be a loooonngggg time before I find out if I can actually perform for intercourse.

There is a group of masturbators on Yahoo who refer to this condition as "copulatory impotence".

copulatory impotence

Interesting. I am on day 38 of quitting masturbation thanks to this website. I tried to quit many times, but always got depressed around 10 days because I had no desire and wanted to "check" to make sure I was still able. I still have my doubts, because I had this problem at the age of 17, but this is well worth a try. Can someone really get compulatory impotence at the age of 17 from daily masturbation? How much is way too much masturbation by your definition? I was daily until 17, then when I realized I couldn't perform with my gf, I did it daily or twice a day just to prove to myself I could perform. I've had major problems ever since, though I was able to have sex naturally several times rarely.

My wife also thinks early masturbation led to me being a poor performer, and she seems to like the fact that she doesn't have to worry about that department. She could care less about any sexual pleasure even for herself.

You ask qood questions.

And it's good to keep in mind that the drug (Accutane) may have been the culprit. Certainly, it would seem very rare for a 17-year old to experience ED from masturbating once a day.

Here's a link to a research paper about how very dangerous that drug you took is: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2704911/?tool=gateway. Possible side effects are shrinking the hippocampus of the brain, and interfering with dopamine in the limbic system (messes with D2 receptors in striatum and nucleus accumbens). Long-term D2 receptor interference is not unusual. All that to stop some pimples... Grrrr....

For a look at why screwing with D2 receptors could mess up the brain's pleasure response , have a look at this article: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/201004/has-evo...)

Another visitor here took some kind of sexual stimulant drug and it had screwed him up indefinitely. So drugs can have unexpected effects.

"Too much" masturbation would be different for each person, depending upon their reward circuitry. This is why "rules" about masturbation don't make much sense. What we *all* really need(ed) to know was to watch out for *growing less sensitive to normal pleasures.* That is a big signal that things are going out of balance.

Without this knowledge, most everyone would do what you did...keep "testing" to make sure things are working physically, when the real issue lies at a receptor level, and the "testing" may have been keeping the brain from restoring its natural sensitivity.

Still, I'm an optimist. I'm not convinced this damage is permanent. It may be that lots of daily warm touch can help put things back in balance. Do you engage in daily affection with your wife? Would she be open to trying that? Gary swears his brain grew new receptors from this approach to intimacy. Wink

Good luck.

can never say for sure,

there are SOOO many variables. But based on MY experience--which I feel is very similar to yours--I think the daily masturbation WAS too much. I agree with Marnia that the brain aspect may not be all that long lasting (3 months?) but I think some of the physical aspects to the reproductive system might be very long lasting. I am going to give an example (but please skip this if you have a very sensitive nature). My penis is small. While I have FIVE brothers with rather large ones. (trust me, when you live in a very large family with only one bathroom, you will tend to see everyone's penis at one time or another.) I asked my mom the indelicate question if I was "smaller" at birth and she said no. I can only conclude that my masturbation--which started before puberty--contributed.

I am sympathetic to your wife's position on the matter. My wife has sort of adopted the "well, you were a masturbator so this is what you get" approach. Both her and I believe that my masturbation led to my poor performance. (if you Google the effects of excess prolactin levels in males, you will see what I mean.)

Having said all this, I firmly believe that Marnia's approach is the best hope we have. Please read her site carefully and do your best to let this information help you. It's so far working well for me.

Maybe I am stating the obvious here,

But it doesn't seem like you've given yourself a fair chance to fall in love with your wife again if you've been having an affair the whole time. Maybe that doesn't matter to you, but I just know a lot of people whose divorces have not gone as smoothly as planned.