Since my wife started sleeping with me again about three months ago, we have had sex four times. The first two times were karezza. The third time I lost control and had an orgasm. I just let it happen without trying to intensify the feelings, so the orgasm wasn't very intense. I didn't notice any hangover from it over the next two weeks, not even the usual (for me) post-O horniness at day 4. We had karezza again a couple weeks later.
There was an unexpected development... I have some ED.
"Sex at age ninety is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." ~George Burns
That's pretty much how it is. I still have erections, but they aren't very strong and long-lasting, which makes penetration difficult. Even getting out of bed for a few seconds can make an erection go away. And once I'm inside, it's difficult to maintain the erection. If I don't move almost continuously, I lose the erection and slip out. And if I move too much, or Zoe moves too much, I get overstimulated and am likely to go over the edge and have an orgasm. (That's what happened the third time.) Overall, having sex is much more frustrating and strenuous than I remembered from seven years ago. I was hoping karezza would be a relaxed activity that could be enjoyed for hours.
Penetration (and putting on a condom, though I haven't done that recently) has always been a bit tricky for me, though I've almost always managed to do it OK, and I used to be fine once I was in. I guess it's gotten worse in the last few years. I just didn't notice because I wasn't having sex.
Not sure what's causing the problem. Advancing age? (I'm 57.) Performance anxiety? Out of practice? At any rate, I haven’t even tried to have sex for a couple of months. The pleasure is not worth the struggle and frustration.
Despite having this problem, I am not feeling down about it. Since embarking on my abstinence experiment, having orgasms has become unimportant and even undesired. And even intercourse, with or without orgasm, has become less important to me. On the other hand, cuddling has always been important and desired, and became even more so when I discovered how wonderful it could be with my girlfriend last Christmas.
The relationship between my wife and me is now more like colleagues in a workplace. She is generally friendly and pleasant to be around. That's completely different from how it was in the last seven years when it seemed like we were at war. In fact things are now better than they have been for about 15 years. I feel at ease around her, not constantly on guard. Sometimes we cuddle together for a few minutes before we go to sleep, or when we wake up, but not as much as I would like.
Not desperately wanting sex is quite liberating. I feel much more free to speak my mind, disagree with what Zoe might say, etc., because I’m no longer concerned about whether she will withhold her favors. To use a rather crude but very descriptive term: I used to be “pussy whipped”. No longer!
I think because the relationship is no longer a major source of stress, my ADD has gotten better. I am making good progress in some moonlighting projects. That's why I haven't been posting much here lately - I'm busy with other projects.
Despite our much-improved relationship, I don't feel like we are lovers. I don't feel much if any love for her. I don't think she loves me either. I think she is sleeping with me and being friendly because... well, I'm not sure, but I would guess she wants me to help pay living expenses, and she doesn't want to go through the major upheaval of divorce, selling the house, and so on. Staying together may feel more comfortable and secure to her than breaking up and going her own way.
Although living and sleeping with her is generally pleasant (I haven’t been seriously angry with her for a couple months), being together is not really a source of great joy for either of us. This is in stark contrast to the truly joyous time I spent with my girlfriend over the Christmas holidays. I will never forget the look on my girlfriend's face as she would get into bed and snuggle up with me, as if there was nothing else in the world she wanted to do more than that. THAT was JOY -- for both of us. It was a joy holding her in my arms as we went to sleep. It was a joy waking up together. It was a joy just being with her, all the time. We felt (and still feel) so safe with each other -- safe to say whatever is on our minds without fearing a bad reaction. Now, we are living 1000 miles apart, but I still call her almost daily. I enjoy talking with her, or just being quiet together. (I call it "phone snuggling"
So, I'm finding it hard to answer the question posed in another thread, "Why Stay?" Why should I stay in a lukewarm marriage for the rest of my life, when I could live with someone who enjoys being with me, and who I would eagerly look forward to coming home to every night?
I'm trying to find a way to break up with my wife gently. I have no desire to hurt her. And I certainly don't want to get torn up in a nasty divorce. I hope I can get her to see that parting company would be in her best interest also. She would be free to find someone more to her liking.