I feel like telling this story, and maybe get some people to reply to me, or just share what happened to them, because I don't feel that I can share this anywhere else.
I met this girl last september while I was here as an exchange student in Korea. We both fell in love and it was great. I think I got into the whole relationship too deep, because in my previous one I was the one who was sort of dumped, nothing went well and we didn't have sex. So this one was much better and i got into it really deep. Anyways one day I noticed she was into me way more than I was into her. I just realized I got into her only in the idea of commitment, coz I thought she was great, but I just forgot about everything else. I noticed I didn't get excited about her like she got about me.
I mean I got excited.. we had sex, but it was different. She would just go crazy about me. So I said, 'this is not working, I'm not into this like you are'.. she refused this request, and we got back into the relationship, and we sort of started this ambivalance that went on for the next 5 months that the relationship lasted. If she was feeling bad about us, I was telling her yes, and if she was feeling great, I was the one backing down.
So underlying all this, I don't think sex was our biggest issue really, but at some point when the relationship went further and further, I think she got sort of really addicted to me. I would get pretty much less and less addicted. I actually noticed I got rewired during the relationship, and at one point I realized I was just having sex with her and just feeling, compared to the beginning when I always was thinking of some ridiculous fantasies, while still having sex with her in order to come! Later I got more relaxed, and I could just do it relaxed.
Anyways, the problem was, she had nothing else on her mind than me. We were here as exchange students, and stayed at the same dorm, and just had sex and sex.. she had no other life. She wouldn't go out and try something new! I couldn't make her do anything, so I just tried to serve her, and love her the best I could and sometimes we would just have sex all day. In the end, I liked the sex, but I didn't want to do it because it was so exhausting! I could have had sex maybe every other day, or every 3 days with her, and I knew I would have been really excited about it this way, and thrilled to do it, but when I woke up next to her she would just start touching me, and I was just exhausted so I had to either pull my self together and really do it hard, or just push her away.
Then later when I was arguing with her and trying to end the relationship we got into this discussion, and she complained to me that I never 'hunted' her, I never surprised her by tearing her clothes off, or I never took control and just F'd her. Well no surprise, I was exhausted! So in the end I told her, no she touched me well, and when I would see her again it might be different. I knew it wouldn't be, I knew I didn't want her, so in the end after going back and forth we broke up and I'm never going to see her, coz she lives in another country.
Anyways. I think I had to tell a lot about the story for you guys to understand the premises of it. Basically I think i made her depressed by trying to break up, she was addicted and had nothing else in her mind and life than me, and she just ripped me back to her every time I tried to break up. In the end it was sort of a nightmare. I of course also liked her, but I couldn't imagine being with her, since I couldn't imagine her changing her life into something different. I'm a dancer and I practice often, I come home tired and that is already my fulfillment. I need someone who has other things in her life, someone who either has them, or if there are no, finds them..
So why am I here. I just had to tell this story, and maybe someone can just tell me something. Anything. Here i am, a 23 year old with just two girlfriends before in my life, and somehow the first one couldn't enjoy sex, and the second one did it too much. I don't know what I could have done, probably nothing? The things that I always remember in my mind was the first time we were in bed, there were other people in the house she said something like "all this sex we could have and we cant!" and the last things she said to me when she was leaving korea were "OMG I can't believe we're never gonna have sex again!". So what I felt both times was confusion, and disappointment. Thats all I was to her? Sometimes she told me "if we didn't fit together, at least we would keep on having sex while here in korea", which I didn't really agree to. She also urged me to whatever I wanted with her.. sometimes I had anal sex with her, I liked it, but really I didn't care THAT much, as she did. I think she was just trying to please me.. or she wanted something more wild. Which is ok, but I didn't need that, as I guess I was just exhausted..
I also did watch a lot of porn when I was young I think. Now that I found info on this I started a period of not masturbating, and definitely I'm going to let porn go. I've already done 3 weeks, and it seems pretty easy so far. It might go on for a good while I think!
Actually I have one problem about that. I don't go to sleep.. I used to sometimes masturbate, and go to sleep. Now sometimes I just keep on going and writing stuff on my computer, and I go to sleep really late!
Anyways, if someone can tell me some comments, or just tell that you read the story, I would be pleased!