I feel like telling this story

Submitted by Findingthelight on
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Hey!

I feel like telling this story, and maybe get some people to reply to me, or just share what happened to them, because I don't feel that I can share this anywhere else.

I met this girl last september while I was here as an exchange student in Korea. We both fell in love and it was great. I think I got into the whole relationship too deep, because in my previous one I was the one who was sort of dumped, nothing went well and we didn't have sex. So this one was much better and i got into it really deep. Anyways one day I noticed she was into me way more than I was into her. I just realized I got into her only in the idea of commitment, coz I thought she was great, but I just forgot about everything else. I noticed I didn't get excited about her like she got about me.

I mean I got excited.. we had sex, but it was different. She would just go crazy about me. So I said, 'this is not working, I'm not into this like you are'.. she refused this request, and we got back into the relationship, and we sort of started this ambivalance that went on for the next 5 months that the relationship lasted. If she was feeling bad about us, I was telling her yes, and if she was feeling great, I was the one backing down.

So underlying all this, I don't think sex was our biggest issue really, but at some point when the relationship went further and further, I think she got sort of really addicted to me. I would get pretty much less and less addicted. I actually noticed I got rewired during the relationship, and at one point I realized I was just having sex with her and just feeling, compared to the beginning when I always was thinking of some ridiculous fantasies, while still having sex with her in order to come! Later I got more relaxed, and I could just do it relaxed.

Anyways, the problem was, she had nothing else on her mind than me. We were here as exchange students, and stayed at the same dorm, and just had sex and sex.. she had no other life. She wouldn't go out and try something new! I couldn't make her do anything, so I just tried to serve her, and love her the best I could and sometimes we would just have sex all day. In the end, I liked the sex, but I didn't want to do it because it was so exhausting! I could have had sex maybe every other day, or every 3 days with her, and I knew I would have been really excited about it this way, and thrilled to do it, but when I woke up next to her she would just start touching me, and I was just exhausted so I had to either pull my self together and really do it hard, or just push her away.

Then later when I was arguing with her and trying to end the relationship we got into this discussion, and she complained to me that I never 'hunted' her, I never surprised her by tearing her clothes off, or I never took control and just F'd her. Well no surprise, I was exhausted! So in the end I told her, no she touched me well, and when I would see her again it might be different. I knew it wouldn't be, I knew I didn't want her, so in the end after going back and forth we broke up and I'm never going to see her, coz she lives in another country.

Anyways. I think I had to tell a lot about the story for you guys to understand the premises of it. Basically I think i made her depressed by trying to break up, she was addicted and had nothing else in her mind and life than me, and she just ripped me back to her every time I tried to break up. In the end it was sort of a nightmare. I of course also liked her, but I couldn't imagine being with her, since I couldn't imagine her changing her life into something different. I'm a dancer and I practice often, I come home tired and that is already my fulfillment. I need someone who has other things in her life, someone who either has them, or if there are no, finds them..

So why am I here. I just had to tell this story, and maybe someone can just tell me something. Anything. Here i am, a 23 year old with just two girlfriends before in my life, and somehow the first one couldn't enjoy sex, and the second one did it too much. I don't know what I could have done, probably nothing? The things that I always remember in my mind was the first time we were in bed, there were other people in the house she said something like "all this sex we could have and we cant!" and the last things she said to me when she was leaving korea were "OMG I can't believe we're never gonna have sex again!". So what I felt both times was confusion, and disappointment. Thats all I was to her? Sometimes she told me "if we didn't fit together, at least we would keep on having sex while here in korea", which I didn't really agree to. She also urged me to whatever I wanted with her.. sometimes I had anal sex with her, I liked it, but really I didn't care THAT much, as she did. I think she was just trying to please me.. or she wanted something more wild. Which is ok, but I didn't need that, as I guess I was just exhausted..

I also did watch a lot of porn when I was young I think. Now that I found info on this I started a period of not masturbating, and definitely I'm going to let porn go. I've already done 3 weeks, and it seems pretty easy so far. It might go on for a good while I think!

Actually I have one problem about that. I don't go to sleep.. I used to sometimes masturbate, and go to sleep. Now sometimes I just keep on going and writing stuff on my computer, and I go to sleep really late!

Anyways, if someone can tell me some comments, or just tell that you read the story, I would be pleased!
Thanks.

Relax

Well LOL I'm gonna get in here with some perhaps controversial stuff before anyone else :)

Firstly, 23 and you've "only" had 2 girlfriends!? Lucky you! You've already had more sex than some people have in their lifetimes.

Secondly, it sounds like you're 2nd girlfriend had some self-esteem issues or something, and was using you as much as some men use women... Anything you do can't make someone else depressed... their response and interpretation of your actions may make someone depressed, but it definetly sounds like she had/has some issues that do not originate from you.

To me you sound already pretty well balanced already, maybe that is what your girlfriend was so attracted to. If you're having trouble sleeping, using the computer is one of the worst things you can do. I'm sure others will have better suggestions, but I'd say try reading a magazine or even better a book. You know, those things made of paper?

hey!

Thanks for reading and replying. True, maybe some people don't have such relationships.. but I had both last year! So it all happened kind of fast.

Anyways, I guess your right. For me, when I was dumped, I said ok, cried a bit and went on with it. I was sad, I asked her to reconsider, but I didn't drag her back for sure, I actually went really far from her.. and then she followed me.. anyways I'm rambling! She had a lot of issues yes. And she told me it had taken a long time for her to get over her weight problems and all kinds of stuff. But of course this doesn't mean she can just use me does it? I know I also did wrong when I accepted her back, and when I tried to be good to her after that. I should have just ended it, but the harder I tried the harder she tried to pull me back.

Huh, I do have a couple of books here. I will try that maybe :) Computers are bad.. and in Korea everyone stays up so late!

Thanks a lot for listening, and replying, I feel better, and I don't know where else I would want to talk about these things!

Peace!

Hi,

Thanks for sharing your story. You're right that this is the place for it. Smile

Did you read this article, "What If She Were Always in the Mood?"
http://www.reuniting.info/science/coolidge_effect_2009

It's not comfortable to be used like another person's drug. Worse yet, making love to the point of exhaustion is often a loud mammalian signal for "Get restless and long to move on to new territory."

It seems one partner often goes this way, while the other keeps looking for more and more intense sex to cope with the drop off of good feelings. But both responses (disinterest and voracious libido - beyond normal libido) can be fueled by changes in the brain that occur naturally after sex. See "Has Evolution Trained Our Brains to Gorge on Food and Sex?" http://www.reuniting.info/has_evolution_trained_our_brains_to_gorge_on_f...

My suggestion is that, instead of ascribing these problems to your girlfriends' issues, or even your own, you start to understand how human sexuality and pair-bonding work, and what signals strengthen or weaken emotional bonds. In other words, what signals tend to result in problems like those you just experienced. That way you can steer for the results you want. Smile This is exactly the challenge we address in our book, BTW.

Hey!

Hmm, these were very interesting reads. And yes it must be true, I don't want to get too involved into thinking what goes on with her, because I can't. I'm not involved with her anymore. All I know these both articles explain a lot!

It's funny, I'm actually studying here in school a class called love and marriage. There lots of theories are shortly presented about all kinds of relationship issues etc. In any case, I read a good part of the "Men are from mars, women are from Venus", and when I read about these brain chemistry science, and cycles of sex and menstrual cycles it deals with a lot of the exact same issues as in the book from John Gray. Only the explanations to people's different cycles are just coming from a whole different realm of studies, and a different angle. Sometimes they are not scientific at all in the book, and the writer sort of acknowledges that, but usually they are about right.

For example this cycle of a lot of sex during the beginning of a relationship can soon resolve in bad chemistry in a persons brain and then they simply say that they feel empty, or they feel like they are missing something. This exact same phenomenon was explained in Gray's book in the way that men also have an emotional cycle, and every once in a while they need to detach from the woman physically and emotionally for a period of time (it was not specified how long though, maybe from hours to days) and then when they come back they again are urged to have intimacy with the woman(could this be one part of the cycle as well?). So in Gray's book of course they almost never talk about sex. Only emotions. In the book they explain this aversion to the partner by saying that a man needs to feel like they are the king of themselves, and when they get so extremely intimate with a woman they at some point feel like they are too close and need to get back on their feet and feel like they are on top of themselves again.

Now I just wrote that because I was so stunned of reading about the same thing from two different angles! I felt this exact feeling after about 3-4 weeks with my last girlfriend, and it turned into an ugly fight. In Gray's book it is advices that people have to except that, and understand each other. I guess kind of the same way people also have to except that they're sexual cycles have consequences!

Hmm, anyways I just got excited about that! :) And thanks so much for reading what I wrote, it helps me, and reading those two articles it helps me understand this whole thing considering the sex a lot more! Thank you! These kind of things are not really discussed very often anywhere! I guess it goes with the porn and people saying that having all the sex you want is great for you.. it's like how could you misuse your own body? Easily! People do it in so many ways!

Now I am really interested in this book as well. Maybe sooner or later I will have to take a look! :)
I feel a lot better! Really I was kind of concerned today that i would read something miserable here.. but quite the contrary! Thanks! The only miserable thing I feel sometimes about these things that so few people know about these things..!

Thanks again! I bet you knew about this book already too!

ps. Nature is pretty accurate. Isn't the ovulation cycle in the middle of menstruations? Women are supposed to be the most sexually active then each 14 days! :O

What fun to have you here

I'm familiar with a lot of those sources. But I think that if lovers really want to get better results, they're going to have to understand how their neurochemistry (after orgasm) affects their relationships. AND how subconscious bonding behaviors balance their neurochemistry: See "The Lazy Way to Stay in Love" http://www.reuniting.info/lazy_way_to_stay_in_love

Neurochemistry gives rise both to emotions AND cycles, so it's at the heart of both. Unfortunately, scientists haven't really looked at the human brain for very long after sex. (It was impossible to do this without slicing up brains...until recently.) This means "emotion" people are looking down one tunnel, while the "biology" people look down another. Neurochemistry has the power to unite the two in one coherent theory.

Now, I hope they'll get going on this task. I'm sure much of what they find will confirm the wisdom of the many traditions that advised careful management of sexual energy. See: "Forbidden Sex Research" http://www.reuniting.info/forbidden_sex_research_the_orgasm_cycle

wau

Hey!

I read those articles, I think I read the other one before already, but now I really realized why I should be reading this!

It is really so often that I read these books and afterwards I simply sit there and go "And...?" like what is the reason for this and that really? Because I am actually studying engineering, and I can't really commit to just taking in stuff like "... and then the man gets too close, because..." It really seems that there has to be something underlying there. Of course peoples emotions effect life like say if someone gets depressed, also their brain chemistry will follow.. but what kind of a man falls in love, and then falls out of everything, even if they want to stay in love?! A lot of stuff seems to be hidden. And also not even tried to explained... I guess it's like that forbidden studies.. people don't wanna go there.. :O Stupid!

Thanks for the reads and everything!

Thanks for reading

Yes, frankly I think a better understanding of what's really at work can help lovers forgive each other and remain optimistic about relationships. Otherwise it's really easy to get discouraged. Wink