Some questions & Porn Addiction?

Submitted by 20UK on
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Hi, I don't really know how to start, so I'll just dive right in. I don't want to reveal my real name due to personal reasons, please don't take any offense to this everyone :)
I want to thank the people on this site, I was at my wits end, searching the web for someone, ANYONE in the same situation as me and I stumbled across an article on this site that made me regain some lost hope, I also saw there were a lot of other guys in my situation.

Basically, I recently turned 20 years old and I have a shemale porn addiction, its bad, bad enough that I didn't actually know I had it until about 5-6 months ago when the addiction became even more worse and escalated into me being aroused by a male in a shemale movie.

(If any gay or bisexual people are reading this, please don't take offense, I've got a gay friend and a couple of bisexual friends, I'm by no means a bigot, I just don't *feel* gay or bisexual deep down, its kind of hard to explain, I'm basically not attracted to men in in real life and have never had a crush on one, etc.)

My porn "life" started when, I saw a dirty movie at a young age around 6-7 I think, my neighbour found some of his fathers movies with very
erotic scenes in and showed me it, I think one of them was basic instinct, which incidently is a film I actually like nowadays but it was pretty exciting for a 7 year old and perhaps quite overwhelming and confusing too.
My neighbour and a girl down the street would "act out" scenes from the movie, they were both in their early teens at the time I think, I wouldn't call it "abuse" because there was no penetration and they didn't force me to take my clothes off or do anything, but they did show their genitals if I remember correctly and the girl did kiss me often as I recall, I honestly don't think there was anything abusive about it, obviously it could have left some impact on me, but I only really remembered it recently, since I started looking back at my past, trying to figure this all out.
This happened twice, I think, but then just stopped, I'm fairly certain one of their parents found something out about it because the girl down the steet stopped socializing with us, we moved
house around a year later also, so I never really saw either of them again.

Years later I stumbled across the odd magazine, borrowed movies from friends, etc it was all typical hetro/vanilla porn that was very arousing for a 12-14 year old, including a particular magazine that STILL arouses me to this day slighty, I remember finding it and flipping through the pages, it was quite an experience.

My friends at school were all talking about internet porn and the amount of erotic movies online, they built it up to be incredable so the very day I got the internet at my home I went on the porn sites, after a while the typical porn wasnt really a turn on, so I shifted over to lesbian porn which was exceptionally arousing (Wow TWO women having sex with EACH OTHER?!)

The computer in my home was downstairs in the dining room, we could only afford one computer back then and myself and my family would all use it, so the thrill of masturbating and "maybe getting caught" made it all the more intense for me, I would always delete the history afterwards, feeling quite disgusted with myself.

Years passed and one day while searching for lesbian porn I came across shemale porn, I can't really explain what happened, I'd never been attracted to it before in my life and all of a sudden the idea of a woman with a penis seemed so.. Exciting? I don't know if thats the right word, something just snapped in my head like it was a new "high" the lesbian porn which had been my high a few years before now
seemed so normal.

I could tell something wasnt quite right, even during the initial stages, so after the first few times I masturbated to it I actually felt physically sick, I was thinking this just DOES NOT feel right, but it arouses me, why?

I went back to the regular porn, but soon saw myself imagining the female pornstars with penises, this was very confusing, in my social life at school/etc I was attracted to women and had quite a lot of girlfriends, I loved to flirt with girls and be around them, I liked them sexually but part of me wanted them to have a penis at times and I couldn't understand it at all.

By this time I had a computer in my bedroom and thought okay, enough is enough, this clearly right, so I went back to the normal porn once again,
after a breif week of no masturbating, which was VERY VERY hard for a 15-16 year old boy, believe me.

Everything was fine for a couple of weeks my attraction for women and vagina seemed great and "taboo" again, but then I started looking at "Futanari" which is basically artwork of women with a penis and a vagina, this was like another "buzz" to me, soon however, I ended up back on the typical shemale porn and have been since.

These last 4-5 years have been very confusing for me, in my social life I'm attracted to women (I even think I sort of fell in love with a girl in the
sixth form, basically college from ages 16-18 here in the UK) and I have no attraction to men. At a party me and my gay friend were pretty much
wasted lying on a single person camping bed with little room and I (without any sexual annotations at all) put my arm over his back to get more comfy, I was drunk and uncomfortable and just wanted to sleep, I asked him before-hand, loud enough for the still awake people in the room to hear and he said yes,he however, took this as a sign that I was interested in him and tried to kiss me, which didn't arouse me in the slightest and I had to get away from him and ended up sleeping on the freezing cold floor, we're still friends by the way, I was flattered not angry more than anything, to be honest, not in a sexual way, just like when you see a distant family member and they call you handsome or good-looking, that sort of flattered, not the sort of flattered when a girl compliments you and you can feel the attraction between you both.

My shemale porn addiction began to escalate further, where I was masturbating to it literally 4-5 times every single day, having no energy and not going out, I would stay at home and masturbate instead of going to college, the only time I would go out was to get drunk at weekends or on weeknights when I should've been at college the next day, I even showed up to college STILL DRUNK sometimes, I felt like such a low life. I would only really go out if I knew girls were there (which sort of proves my point about my real life attraction to them, but porn is more shemale orientated.)

I've really cut back on the drink now though, I drink only one night every 1-2 weeks :)

Basically I'm still a Virgin because of this damn addiction, I had the oppurtunity to have sex fairly recently, but that was with an older
women who to be fair, I wasnt really that attracted to, but I had trouble maintaining an erection, although this could be more down to
a certain foreskin problem with my penis which will be sorted shortly with surgery, so I've shyed away from going any further than making
out with girls and me performing foreplay on them due to this as its quite embarassing.
My previous ex girlfriend, I had no problem getting erect with her and I found while we were dating (only a few weeks) I was masturbating
hardly at all and thinking about her more, hell, I even managed to get erect through some skinny jeans she bought for me (she got the size
wrong) and they felt like they were going to make my balls explode, haha.

I remember being in a rock/metal bar not too long ago with some of my friends, a childhood friend of mine is into that sort of thing and was playing
in a band there so I went along to offer him some support and one of my other friends pointed out that an attractive girl stood near us was in fact
a transexual, I actually FELT my body becoming hot and aroused and practically had to run off to the toilet to hide my erection, I knew this wasnt normal and was quite scared, I managed to avoid the transexual all night but found myself looking back at her a lot.

However, fairly recently I was shocked to find a man in a shemale porn movie arousing, this was literally the final straw for me and I began
to realize that I actually DID have an addiction, its funny how it finally sunk in when I escalated to the next level.

Its fairly odd, because I tried to watch full on gay porn movies and didn't
really find anything to my liking, I scrolled through around 16-18 pages
on a porn site and it didnt do anything for me at all really,
yet another time after getting drunk and stoned, I
randomly got horny and while wasted I looked at some of it and I got really
aroused by it but couldn't ejaculate for some reason, I don't really
know why, probably the combination of booze and drugs, which believe
me-I wont be doing again.
The next day I checked the gay porn again and it wasnt arousing at all, I didn't
even get a tingling feeling down there, I was very, very
confused, like my sexuality was shifting and changing at times, its almost
as if the more I FEAR it arousing me, the more chance its going to, if that makes
sense?

I thought I could be bisexual for a while and wrestled with the idea while
on a night out, but I ended up just spending the night flirting with my
cousins friend like I was just drawn to her, even when trying to "be"
Bisexual, I was in the nightclub looking at the men, then the women
and thinking "That girl just looked at me, great!" completely
ignoring the men, but when at home I'm sat in my room worried
I could be gay/bisexual after masturbating to shemale porn.

I can look at a guy in real life and think "He's good looking" but thats it really,
I once remember my bisexual friend saying there is a long bridge
between noticing someone of the same sex is attractive, as opposed
to actually wanting to have sex with them.

This is the stage I'm at now, confused because I can basically get
aroused by strait, solo girl and lesbian porn (after 1-2 days
of not masturbating) and shemale porn pretty much whenever I
want and ultimatly as many times as I want, I've binged and
masturbated to the shemale porn like 9-11 times in one
day, each time I need stronger more "dirty" (to me, at least) stuff
to get off, like my fantasies become more "me being dominated" in
nature the more times I masturbate on that particular day, until
it gets to the point where I feel so disgusted with myself afterwards.

I don't know if this is further inclination that this is an addiction and
doesn't reflect some warped sexuality I have, but whenever I'm
about to ejaculate (about 5-10 seconds before, when you know you're
about to) I immediantly think of women and Vagina, I have ALWAYS done
this, ever since I started viewing shemale porn, I can't bring myself to
look at the screen as I ejaculate, I always imagine myself having
sex with a beautiful woman.
I've never ejaculated looking at the shemales, they arouse
me and I masturbate to them, but I literally just cant look at them
when I ejaculate, I have to think of having sex with a woman, its like
I become breifly "me" again, like you feel after you've orgasmed and you
can't believe you just did that, this is why its
so wrong to me I guess, deep down I know I'm a strait guy, in real
life I can't not talk to girls, I'm just drawn to them, but sat in my
room on this damn computer its like I'm bisexual, but I don't
"feel" bisexual in my heart, I wouldn't be fighting it, if I had
the same romanatic feelings I have for women, for men, I'd
be bi/gay in a heartbeat, but the romance, the "natural-ness"
just isn't there, I'm having a hard time explaining it.

Everytime I think "Okay, maybe I am bisexual" I try to let the thought
of it sink in for a while, but I ultimatly always think "Even if I am
bisexual, I'll never sleep with a man" yet i still have these shemale/
gay fantasies. Ultimatly they turn "gay" the more times I masturbate,
I.e the 7-9th time that day they will be gay/me being dominated in nature,
but 1-3 they are strait, 4-6 shemale, its pretty confusing, it gets more
and more "taboo" and "naughty" to me, the more I masturbate that day.

I'm a bit calmer about the "OMG I COULD BE BI!?" feelings right now, because I went
away with my family for 3-4 days recently and in those 3-4 days I spent a lot more
time with my family than I usually do and I was well away from computer
and internet access, I hardly ever thought about shemale porn and a change of scenery
was just what I needed to clear my head, I remember walking along the
beach thinking it would be really romanatic if I had a girl with me, then I
immediantly laughed at myself, remembering how confused I was about
being bi/gay, the romantic thoughts in my head are always about women,
when I got back home I masturbated to strait porn for a couple of days
and low and behold, I was back on the shemale porn soon after.

I bet if I were born 10 years earlier and never saw that first shemale add
on that site this would've never happened, but hey, can't change the
past, but I'm going to try really hard to change my future!

Its unbelivable how much damage the porn industry are causing, myself
and the people on this site can't be the only people in my generation suffering
from this, in fact I speculate in the near future this problem will gain
increasingly more awareness as the next generation--who have practically
been born with internet access and all of that porn available at the click of
a mouse will suffer much worse than us.
I think when I've got through this I'm going to donate some money to an
anti-porn organization, who, I'll be honest, before I thought were a bunch
of killjoys but now I realize they exist to protect people from exactly what
happened to me.

Basically I wanted to ask this community a few questions and hopefully
get a little support in getting rid of this addiction, I don't want to be like this anymore,
I'm a friendly guy with a great family and some great friends, but this addiction is holding me back
from having an even better life and I don't deserve that, no one does. I want to find
an amazing, beautiful girlfriend and have a really great time with her, I don't
want to be sat in my bedroom masturbating to porn for the rest of my life.

Aside from these questions I would appreciate your thoughts/comments on my
post above, I could really do with some input at the moment :)

1: How long (on average) do you believe it could take me to get my dopamine levels
back to normal? I.e no Shemale attraction anymore? The longest I've
managed to go abstaining since coming across this site is around 11-13 days,
that was difficult but I got there, my attraction to regular porn was very intense
for like 3 days after that and shemale porn wasnt really that appealing, until
I started over masturbating again, then it all came back.
I think with extra support I could go until a family members wedding. (9 weeks!)

2: Is it true that future ejaculation (after the dophamine is back to normal) will spiral
me out of control again? Because I do intend to have sex in the future
once this is sorted and maybe even have kids one day and ejaculation
usually does play a big part in that! :)

3: Do you think me being a virgin and a (hopefully) recovered porn addict could
cause problems for future sexual encounters? I.e erectile dysfunction?
This is bothering me quite a bit after my encounter with the older woman,
as I struggled to keep my erection, although that could have been down to
the god knows how many units of alchol I consumed a few hours before
and the fact I'd already masturbated that day, not forgetting my foreskin
issue also which caused quite a bit of pain when she touched my penis.

4: Can anyone suggest any ways to keep my mind off it? I don't
want to give it anymore power than it already has. I've tried meditation
but I'm a sort of active person, I can't sit still for too long, I have to be
doing something, and usually when boredom creeps in masturbation
follows.

5: I'm not sure if this is connected in some way, but I tend to over-eat a lot
at night (the usual time I have a mb binge) but I can't see why, I over-eat
to the extent where I'm eating a full dinner at night because I just *want* it,
after eating very little I don't even want it anymore and force myself to finish it,
the pleasure from the meal is gone fairly quickly, could this be linked to the
dopamine levels too? I can't even eat breakfast the morning after because I
eat so much at night, so I have next to no energy throughout the day.
I also binge on fast food when I'm out, I went to Mac'Donalds last week
with my friend, he weighs twice as much as me and only had a chicken
salad sandwinch and fries, I had three burgers, two packs of fries a coke
and a coffee, I don't even know why I ate all that, after the first two burgers
it became just a chore and a waste of money, it didn't even taste good
anymore and I had to force myself to finish it, is this linked to the dopamine
too?

Thank you for reading if you managed to get through all that! :)
Everyone here seems really friendly and its reassuring to know others have been
through this and managed to beat it! Please share you're own stories with me
also.

This is day 2 porn and masturbation free!

Hi

OK first take a deep breathe and calm just a little :). i am limited becuase of being on my phone but i will start. one the fact you figured this out at your age is very good it took me till i was 36. I also got into shemale porn and just about everything else at one point or another. the esculating is normal with this addiction. you will be fine as long as you do not give up on yourself. i will be back on later to try and answer the questions. just wanted to give somw support while i was on. also check out the wiki. there is a section on porn addiction and some videos i think will help a good bit. wishing you well be safe james. PS no need for reals names here it is a good idea not to use your name

Hi,

I'm on the road, so this is short. thanks for sharing your story. Start a blog if you like, too.

I think you've figured things out:

"it gets more and more "taboo" and "naughty" to me, the more I masturbate that day." Your mammalian brain has figured out that it can get the dopamine it's craving (as you deplete those receptors in your brain) using the link between arousal and a particular genre of porn.

It takes time to re-wire, and you can't keep using the material that turns you on the "most efficiently," or you will remain tied to it...and yes, it will escalate.

We're not experts on how long anything takes. You guys are learning as you go, and supporting each other. A period of abstinence from linking orgasm with the unwanted stimuli seems to help. This often means avoiding orgasm, too, simply because your brain will rush to those flashbacks when you are post-O.

Masturbation that is just sensual touch, with no porn or flashbacks, seems to be less problematic...after a time. Already, you see how recovery works, because you've had a taste of it.

Are you open to avoiding all porn? That will help the most (because it's so over-stimulating...in the sense that your ancestors never had to cope with anything like that when your brain was evolving Wink and because it offers endless "escalation" in terms of material, and it's hard to say "no" when you want to get off). It means you will sometimes be horny and will just have to cope with that while your brain returns to balance.

Gotta dash. Good luck!

Thanks

Thanks for the posts!
I've decided to avoid porn forever and masturbation for 9 weeks and see how I feel at that stage, until after
a member of my families wedding, then I'll see how things have progressed.

I don't know if this is connected somehow, but I noticed an increase in attention from people after
not masturbating for 7+days, like everyone just wanted to be around me and talk to me, it was unusual.
I was more confident and outgoing too, that could have been the cause of it.
I'm not sure if its a sort of "primal" thing to do with sperm or seed, as maybe the man with more sperm backed up has more
chance of impregnating a female, so maybe the more sperm you have, the more pheromones you release to attract a mate, or something?
All I know is I get more eye contact/smiles/attention from girls when I haven't been masturbating than I do when I've been on
a masturbation binge and feel awful. Thats another thing actually, I feel terrible after masturbating, I'm not talking about
the guilt and fear, but just genurally without energy and I have low self-esteem and low confidence for the next day or two.

I'm all for avoiding orgasm until I'm back to normal, I say this lightly but I know it will be a struggle,
I'll try my absolute hardest though, but will I be able to orgasm during sex/occasonal no-porn masturbation
in the future without falling back into this porn rut again? I hope to find a balance where I can orgasm, but not
so much that my dopamine levels go out of whack again, but not too little that I can't satify my partner,and ultimatly,
myself.

I bought some free-weights around my birthday and have used them lightly on and off for the last few months, but
I got some work-out regimes online today and when the thoughts started up I started lifting, I got so into it
that before I knew it an hour had passed and the thoughts just vanished, I didn't think about them at all while
working out.
My arms are killing me, but it feels great to have done my first proper work-out in a long time! :)

Thanks for the posts, guys, It feels great to know I can talk to somebody about this, I feel a lot calmer now.

Addiction and questions...

Ahhh "Take a deep breath and calm down." I know you said didn't do that well with meditation, and I guess that is an acquired taste and a matter of practice. It is kinda scary to be alone with one self and all the thoughts...lol I am glad you are also including a regiment of exercise. I think you will find a lot of good information on all areas of addiction, and don't discount what you said about food. Working on getting back to listening to what your body needs, in all areas, not just mindless satiation, or over doing it, will be a nice challenge for you. Your mind is strong, and you can do it, we are behind you.....

NP

You're sure to learn

some interesting things in any case.

Those feelings after orgasm seem to be related to a subtle neurochemical cycle. And, yes, it does have an impact on many people's social effectiveness. I hadn't thought of the pheromones=sperm supply theory, but I wouldn't be surprised if pheromones are indeed part of the equation.

For more on the social anxiety/porn link: http://www.reuniting.info/cowardly_lion_masturbating_too_much

Thanks

Thanks for posting NP hypnotist and for the article Marnia :)
It describes what happened to me when I managed to go 11 days a while back, in a way it sort of
makes sense, surely our ancestors were not masturbating everyday and if a male wandered into
another tribe and hadn't had sex for a long time, the women will have naturally been drawn to him,
after all our genes very existance is to keep reproducing to continue the existance of our species.
Its been tuned into us for millions of years, so surely the man who hasn't had sex (or ejaculated) in a length of time will
naturally "improve?" shall we say, so he find a mate to impregnate?

This explains why boxers and athletes abstain before fights/tournements and maybe why those shaolin monks
don't ejaculate ever? I think there is more to sperm than we can scientifically see at this stage in our technology
but I think it does make you stronger and a first rate human, if that makes sense? People who ejaculate too
often are third-rate in their abilities, people who ejaculate every now and then are second-rate, but those who
conserve it for weeks on end, i.e atheletes, monks, etc, are first-rate and are unlocking their bodies true potential.
This is just a theory and I'm not a writer, but I do believe this to an extent.

Today is day 3 and I've got quite a bit of energy, some thoughts crept up this morning but I ignored them and
got out of bed and went for a short 10 minute jog around the streets, I did have a little troub;e getting to sleep
last night, but that was mostly me thinking about the future and how happy I'll be after I've got my dophamine
levels back to normal.

The real challenge will come soon however, my family will be going on Holiday for three weeks, leaving me in the
house by myself at that time, I'm going to have to try and stay out of the house as long as possible for those three weeks,
because in the past when my family have gone away for a while, the masturbation binges have been awful.
I'm trying to stay as positive as possible, it is still upseting me inside but I've seen the success stories on this site and it
fills me with hope.

Anyway, things are going great! I'm about to do some reps with my weights, so I'll post again a bit later tonight! :)

There have been

many theories through the years about the benefits of careful cultivation of sexual energy. The core idea here is a little different from supermen saving sperm (although discussions range freely all over the place Wink ). The idea here is that inner equilibrium, rather than solo sperm storage, is an ideal source of clarity and energy.

Using sex carefully with a partner, with an emphasis on bonding behaviors and without the goal of orgasm, is an easy way to maintain balance, if you can keep from diving into the vortex (to use Sun's term) of escalation. (The intensity of orgasm sometimes registers with a primitive part of the brain as a signal that you need to keep going so you don't miss a chance to fertilize. To do this, it numbs the brain slightly, so you feel a bit...insatiable. Ultimately, that hungry feeling can backfire and push lovers apart.)

Another technique that helps promote balance is daily meditation (can help you get to sleep, if you use it daily until your brain is trained to relax on command). Here's one I use:

--Mindfulness meditation, based on the book The Relaxation Response.
http://www.reuniting.info/download/misc/06Track6.wma

Exercise, friendly interaction, time in nature, qi gong, yoga, etc. are also useful.

Retaining sperm for its own sake is less stable, and, over the millennia, has created some really rigid human beings who are sometimes very judgmental of others. Obviously, not everyone ends up that way. And a short-term goal of celibacy can actually be quite beneficial. Gives the brain a chance to reboot. You may find it helpful to play with some of the techniques here. They can help spread excess sexual energy throughout the body, easy severe horniness. Smile

Solo Practices
http://www.reuniting.info/node/3299

Isolation is a trigger for many. I'm glad you have a strategy for while your family is gone.

I don't plan to abstain

I don't plan to abstain forever, just until my Dopamine levels are normal, which from what I've read on this site could take
anywhere between two weeks to 4 months to feel in control again. I'm fairly certain it will take longer than two weeks and I'm
hoping its less than four months, but I'd abstain for a whole year if I had to.

I see two months of no porn or masturation is an average time limit of abstinence for the Dopamine to get back to normal, but I imagine it varies in person to person, I'm confident it may be two months, as I started seeing some results at 11 days last time I tried to abstain.
A family members wedding is nine weeks away, so when the wedding comes up I'll see how I feel then and maybe view that as the end of my total abstinence.
I don't plan to view porn ever again, and I plan to masturbate only once maybe every two weeks-without porn.
I think masturbation is perfectly fine-in moderation, everyone is different so different people's ideas of moderation for themselves are totally different, some people do it a few times a week, some every other day, I think personally, anything more than five times a week could be
considered a "binge" but like I said, everyone is different. All I know is, I'll be seriously cutting back on it when my Dopamine levels are
normal.

Could someone explain to me in more detal (if its possible) how things change? Mentally I mean, when the Dopamine is back to
normal? Will I always be slightly aroused by the shemale porn or will its effects over me just fade? I'm a little concerned that if
its always there, I'll never be free of it.

You're wise

to choose your own goals, and make your own experiment.

According to addiction lore, some sensitivity to a former addiction can remain indefinitely. Much as the smell of a childhood treat baking might make your mouth water.

But when you're brain is in balance, it's unlikely that it will gallop off with you. The times you'll want to watch are when you're stressed (upset, tired, bored, post-O Wink and so forth). In any case, don't worry. Worrying increases angst, which is stressful, which makes the inner struggle harder.

Just know you're doing every thing you can right now to heal. Trust the process and be patient.

*big hug*

Thanks

[quote=Marnia]to choose your own goals, and make your own experiment.

According to addiction lore, some sensitivity to a former addiction can remain indefinitely. Much as the smell of a childhood treat baking might make your mouth water.

But when you're brain is in balance, it's unlikely that it will gallop off with you. The times you'll want to watch are when you're stressed (upset, tired, bored, post-O Wink and so forth). In any case, don't worry. Worrying increases angst, which is stressful, which makes the inner struggle harder.

Just know you're doing every thing you can right now to heal. Trust the process and be patient.

*big hug*[/quote]
Thanks, Marnia :)
I'd say this is the 6th maybe 7th time I've tried to break this, the basic drive I've got right now is not
to waste anymore of my life, this addiction will have no more power over me, this time I WILL do it, I'll
conquer it and then I'll be a much more happy person.

If I Orgasm in the future (after my Dopamine levels are back to normal) will the cravings for the shemale porn
creep back up again? Because I do *want* to orgasm with a partner in the future and the last thing I want
on my mind after having sex with a girl is a shemale, no matter how weak or strong the craving may be, I'd
just feel like I'd be cheating the woman in a sense.

I've read some somewhat discouraging posts in the last hour or so that brought up some thoughts, but
I'm fighting them, people who were in a similar situation as me and could barely go a week wasnt
exactly brilliant motivation, but everyone is different, as they say and I just know this time I'll beat
this addiction and get my dopamine back to normal.

Can you recommened any blogs/posts from people who's addiction was similar to mine and who managed
to conquer it?

Thanks :)

Do not be so hard on yourself.

[quote]Thanks, Marnia :)
I'd say this is the 6th maybe 7th time I've tried to break this, the basic drive I've got right now is not
to waste anymore of my life, this addiction will have no more power over me, this time I WILL do it, I'll
conquer it and then I'll be a much more happy person.

If I Orgasm in the future (after my Dopamine levels are back to normal) will the cravings for the shemale porn
creep back up again? Because I do *want* to orgasm with a partner in the future and the last thing I want
on my mind after having sex with a girl is a shemale, no matter how weak or strong the craving may be, I'd
just feel like I'd be cheating the woman in a sense.

I've read some somewhat discouraging posts in the last hour or so that brought up some thoughts, but
I'm fighting them, people who were in a similar situation as me and could barely go a week wasnt
exactly brilliant motivation, but everyone is different, as they say and I just know this time I'll beat
this addiction and get my dopamine back to normal.[/quote]

I know it feels like the way to go and feel about dealing with addiction. Try not to set such a rigid goal. It really makes it harder on yourself If you slip. It kind of gives you addicted mind something to fight with if you give in at some point. I have learned and I think everyone here has learned recovery is not linear. I dealt with that thinking a lot when I started out. It is easier to try and take it a day at a time. If you look too far ahead it can eat at you. I also know it is hard to read others posting some times. It helps more than it hurts but it can send you into difficult thinking. You read as you did about others just not being able to go very long or what seems like not very long.
Think about it though if someone like me who was M'ing multiple times a day and viewing porn for as much as 8 hours a day and doing this for years and years. Going 6 or 7 days without either is very big. It is a major step. even 2 days was something for me at the start. So try not to judge how you will do by others progress. I was guilty of that for a long time. Using there journey and insights is what is key about reading others posting. Everyone's story has something useful in it. Also do not let stories of guys going 2 months 3 months or more without porn or masturbation cause negative thinking. I let that get to me at times as well. Thinking @#%@ I can go 6 days and just give in and be helpless to the addiction and this guy is at 4 months wtf is wrong with me. That is another bad way to view it. Looking at what that person did to get to 4 months is very useful. See what worked for them how they dealt with triggers and bumps and just everything.
I do not want to scare you or anything it is just there are going to be bumps along the road of recovery. Just stay with it and you will get better. Resistance seems to be cumulative for most if not all of us here. It does get easier. Maybe not easy but it does get easier. You do not lose ground that you gain. You may have some minor set backs along the way but just dust yourself off and keep going.

I know one of the things that helped me was just sharing everything that was happening to me. It was very healing to be able to share just everything about the process.

You are doing well.

Wishing you well
Be Safe
James

Thanks for posting Seeker I

Thanks for posting Seeker :)
I didn't mean to offend anyone with my "could barely go a week" remark I guess I was a little stressed out after
reading some posts of people who seemed to be in a suicidal state and kept relapsing after trying
their hardest, that really put me down for a few hours and nearly caused a relapse, but I tried to ignore
it and did some reps on my weights. So I apologize if I offended anyone, that wasnt my intention.

I think ultimatly, because I've been an addict for maybe 6 years I think, I'm not in a deeper stage of addiction
as some people, its tough, obviously and the proof is in how badly I've been drawn into mb ruts, doing it
so many times a day that my penis actually hurt, thats not normal sexual behaviour. (It still kind of hurts
now and this is day 4 mb & porn free)

Maybe I'm underestimating the addition, but I'm going to go nine weeks, I'm determined not to fail, I've
got things to take my mind off the thoughts, I'm exercising, eating healthy, listening to relaxing music and
I suppose best of all, imagining my life without this clawing at my brain, that is my main drive now, when I
think of my life free of this I am instantly happy and excited, it keeps the beast at bay.

I tend to charge head-first into things in life, maybe this is a bad or a good thing in some situations? I don't
know, all I know is I'll fight this with every drop of energy I have and the support of the people on this
site is giving me even more motivation, this site relaxes me, I can come here and I feel warmth and
comfort, the people here are understanding and are all actually nice, thats a rare thing on the internet.

My past attempts have got me up to 11 days before, so I do have some minor experience with trying and failing,
I've been lurking on this site for a good 3-4 months already, but now I'm actually posting I'm seeing
real results and changes in my mood and determination, now I'm having conversations with people here
and fully understanding this addiction I'm realising all the anxiety, all the worry is just another trick the
mind is playing to get its fix, I'm not bisexual because of the attraction to shemale porn, its because my mind
thinks its a "good" thing for me, I suppose in a sense, I can't blame it, it thinks its helping me. I've accepted
its here, now I just need to get rid of it. Which I will do.

My mind is failing to play tricks on me a little less, its hard to explain, I can actually "see" the addiction now, if that makes sense?
It creeps up behind me, but I turn around and it runs away, it doesn't catch me off guard as much anymore, maybe
this is because I'm more aware of its full power and existance, now I know its beatable, its not a part of me, just
a lodger who won't leave, despite previous attempts to get it out.

Maybe in the future it will return, stronger than ever, but I'll kick it strait back out again.
And maybe, the more I kick it out during its attempts back in, the less it will try, until eventually, it just
gives up altogather?

Thanks for posting and for the motivation, Seeker :)

I do not think you offended

I do not think you offended anyone. sorry it sounded like i meant it that way. i did not intend that. I was try to let you know that it is not good to try to compare days sometimes. If you do sometimes it puts you in the mood and feelings you describe. good job on distracting yourself with healthy habits that will really help. wishing you well Be Safe James

Thanks I got some feelings

Thanks :)
I got some feelings in my gut after reading some stories about peoples marriages
falling apart because of a porn addiction, I think this was more sadness/condolence for
that person though, none the less I immediantly went into to the garage, got my
back and just went for a ride, I was thinking about the addiction a little while out
riding, mostly thinking about fighting it.

Its hard not to think about it when you know its actually there, huh?
But thats only half the battle I guess, its the sexual thoughts that creep up
and knock you on you're feet.

Although I've got my long term goal (another 59 days) I'm taking small steps and
trying not to focus too much on the struggle that awaits, I'm taking it a day at a time
and fighting it a day at a time, but my real drive is the happiness that awaits me
at the end of the 59 days, that is my focus point, the distance to it is irrelivant, I've
got a good weekend ahead of me, two days of social interaction with friends, I don't
think I'll drink too much tommorow night, one, maybe two beers should be enough,
because if I'm drunk, when I come home I could be tempted to watch porn.

Ojas

In ancient hindu medicinal practice called ayurveda there thia a concept called ojas.

Following is an excerpt if from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ojas:

Ojas is a Sanskrit word which literally means "vigor". According to the principles of Ayurveda, it is the essential energy of the body which can be equated with the "fluid of life". Those who practice Ayurveda say that Ojas is the sap of one's life energy which, when sufficient, is equated with immunity and, when deficient, results in weakness, fatigue and ultimately disease.

There are 7 factors which hamper the flow of transformation of the Dhatus(body tissues) causing Ojas to be less or imbalanced: excessive injury/harm to the body; excessive loss of substance( one of the main cause is loss of semen); overexertion; excessive anger; excessive grief; excessive thinking, worry, anxiety; excessive hunger.

Hi

I by no means conisder myself as an expert :) However I do feel that being from the land from where these things have emerged my angle of looking at this could be interesting.

These are so ancient that owing to long passage of time , many things have overlapped in such compliacted manner that interpretation for popular reading is unimaginabley difficult. ( another way of saying I do not know much Wink ). Reconstructing these would take a huge team effort.

I would try to do the best that I can, but most of my understanding comes from certian practices than reading. Going to the classics would be the best I guess. I will try to give some references.

However some texts theough directly may not deal with sexual energy, have deep interpretations which embraces all aspects of life including sexuality, may be written at times when people where much more healither and natural in their sexual practices.

Love, light and peace.

[quote=Marnia]by the different ways humans have observed their sexuality and described the costs and benefits of different behaviors. Thanks.

Since you're an expert, could you have a look at this and suggest changes? http://www.reuniting.info/wisdom/classic_tantra_vairagya_neotantrism[/qu...

I do have some suggestions

I was not clear where to do the corrections: One small correction is:
beyond, passion ("vairagya") should be : beyond passion ("vairagya") , the comma should be removed..

If you let me know where I should send my suggestions will do that shortly.

On krishna

The following is highly controversial. No one here in our country thinks of sexual union when they think of Krishna.

Though in general usage, people refer a playboy kind of character as Krishna, in a serious discussion never the love of Krishna for the gopikas or the love of gopikas for krishna is considered to be sensual.

It is considered as something, which is beyond physical, though many art forms have depicted them to be conventional kind of sensual love.

I have seen erotic nude sculptures depicting intercourse, but never is there a sculpture which shows Krishna in them.

Quote from the link that you sent:

http://www.reuniting.info/wisdom/classic_tantra_vairagya_neotantrism
[quote]A favorite divinity of these early worshippers was the lusty Krishna - a dark blue fellow who was a sort of sexual Pied Piper, luring otherwise well behaved married women from their beds to orgies in the wild. [/quote]

Thanks

You can PM me with changes. Unfortunately that page was written before we had wikis enabled. So I have to put in the changes. What should I say about Krishna instead, or where did the goat herd girl myth evolve? Or is there one?? Wink

You're not alone into this, etc etc

Hi 20UK, I just wanted to say that reading this article has been like reading myself (well, I did search "addiction to shemale porn" to get here...) Something that's different though: you're 20, I'm 27. I've been into this kind of porn for 4-5 years or so, at first I considered it a minor perversion that I would allow myself to indulge into, and slowly it escalated by being the basic thing that arouses me. And one other fact; I've been a virgin until 26 years old, and 5 months ago I started a relationship with a wonderful girl I'm very much into. It came like a total suprise, I had almost given up on starting a relationship and I thought that I could as well be alone for the rest of my life and I won't care (it's not that I was rejected by girls so much, but mostly that I feared making the first step because of my virginity, ridiculous, huh?). I've had major problems of ED, and I can orgasm with her only with masturbation, and mostly by fantasizing on some of the best scenes of all the porn that was my sex life for so many years. You asked if this addiction may cause ED problems, so there you go. I had asked myself the questions you're asking, if I'm bi, gay, or whatever, and I have very similar answers. I am not aroused at all from men, I love women, both aesthetically and sexually, however I have seen the latter drop lately. I'm not aroused as I was years ago by the sight of normal women and their genitals, in fact I seem to have developed one for the male ones. That's how the shemale porn part comes of course. I have a "theory" about this; your mind is looking to be aroused from different things once in a while, it's getting "bored" from the same and the same. "New" things tend to be "disgusting" for your mind in the beginning (if you know what I mean) but if you allow yourself to look at them, it's like destroying a barrier. There were parts of shemale porn that I found disgusting at the start (obviously the shemale-man kind, I started by watching shemale-girls, and before that was lesbian with a strap on, if you're getting me, hah). I also found gay porn disgusting, but after trying to watch it just to search my sexuality, I didn't any longer, although I don't get aroused from it. But the next step would be to get aroused, if I tried and wanted to. If you lift that barrier it may be hard going back. So, remember that. I don't think you're gay, these people have such thoughts and tendency from their very young age. I think, that just like me, you have a "hungry" mind that sexually has been conditioned to porn first of all, and keeps wanting new and wierder stuff in order to function. It's up to you if you will indulge to these tendencies in "real" sexual life too (and it's not that everything that's "on screen" is the same as in irl, of course). If your desire if to "battle" these tendencies, then you must revert to a "previous" stage. Just don't indulge in shemale or gay porn anymore, start from lesbian and begin "going back", coupling this with abstinence (not total abstinence, watch a soft solo/girl boy only when you're REALLY horny). If you can do that by fantasizing too, that's even better, your goal is to get rid of porn altogether.

And remember: A REAL partner you're sharing you're life with is A MILLION TIMES more important that getting off with your latest "perversion" online. Or at least, that's how I think it about myself (I'm not much of a sexual person anyway, and even if I get to have lesser orgasms by sticking to my girlfriend and not porn, I'm very satisfied. Oh by the way, the orgasms I had with her, even with her masturbating me, have been 100 times greater than these comparing to porn). Give me your thoughts about what I've written, I may turn this into a blog sometime.