Hi, I don't really know how to start, so I'll just dive right in. I don't want to reveal my real name due to personal reasons, please don't take any offense to this everyone :)
I want to thank the people on this site, I was at my wits end, searching the web for someone, ANYONE in the same situation as me and I stumbled across an article on this site that made me regain some lost hope, I also saw there were a lot of other guys in my situation.
Basically, I recently turned 20 years old and I have a shemale porn addiction, its bad, bad enough that I didn't actually know I had it until about 5-6 months ago when the addiction became even more worse and escalated into me being aroused by a male in a shemale movie.
(If any gay or bisexual people are reading this, please don't take offense, I've got a gay friend and a couple of bisexual friends, I'm by no means a bigot, I just don't *feel* gay or bisexual deep down, its kind of hard to explain, I'm basically not attracted to men in in real life and have never had a crush on one, etc.)
My porn "life" started when, I saw a dirty movie at a young age around 6-7 I think, my neighbour found some of his fathers movies with very
erotic scenes in and showed me it, I think one of them was basic instinct, which incidently is a film I actually like nowadays but it was pretty exciting for a 7 year old and perhaps quite overwhelming and confusing too.
My neighbour and a girl down the street would "act out" scenes from the movie, they were both in their early teens at the time I think, I wouldn't call it "abuse" because there was no penetration and they didn't force me to take my clothes off or do anything, but they did show their genitals if I remember correctly and the girl did kiss me often as I recall, I honestly don't think there was anything abusive about it, obviously it could have left some impact on me, but I only really remembered it recently, since I started looking back at my past, trying to figure this all out.
This happened twice, I think, but then just stopped, I'm fairly certain one of their parents found something out about it because the girl down the steet stopped socializing with us, we moved
house around a year later also, so I never really saw either of them again.
Years later I stumbled across the odd magazine, borrowed movies from friends, etc it was all typical hetro/vanilla porn that was very arousing for a 12-14 year old, including a particular magazine that STILL arouses me to this day slighty, I remember finding it and flipping through the pages, it was quite an experience.
My friends at school were all talking about internet porn and the amount of erotic movies online, they built it up to be incredable so the very day I got the internet at my home I went on the porn sites, after a while the typical porn wasnt really a turn on, so I shifted over to lesbian porn which was exceptionally arousing (Wow TWO women having sex with EACH OTHER?!)
The computer in my home was downstairs in the dining room, we could only afford one computer back then and myself and my family would all use it, so the thrill of masturbating and "maybe getting caught" made it all the more intense for me, I would always delete the history afterwards, feeling quite disgusted with myself.
Years passed and one day while searching for lesbian porn I came across shemale porn, I can't really explain what happened, I'd never been attracted to it before in my life and all of a sudden the idea of a woman with a penis seemed so.. Exciting? I don't know if thats the right word, something just snapped in my head like it was a new "high" the lesbian porn which had been my high a few years before now
seemed so normal.
I could tell something wasnt quite right, even during the initial stages, so after the first few times I masturbated to it I actually felt physically sick, I was thinking this just DOES NOT feel right, but it arouses me, why?
I went back to the regular porn, but soon saw myself imagining the female pornstars with penises, this was very confusing, in my social life at school/etc I was attracted to women and had quite a lot of girlfriends, I loved to flirt with girls and be around them, I liked them sexually but part of me wanted them to have a penis at times and I couldn't understand it at all.
By this time I had a computer in my bedroom and thought okay, enough is enough, this clearly right, so I went back to the normal porn once again,
after a breif week of no masturbating, which was VERY VERY hard for a 15-16 year old boy, believe me.
Everything was fine for a couple of weeks my attraction for women and vagina seemed great and "taboo" again, but then I started looking at "Futanari" which is basically artwork of women with a penis and a vagina, this was like another "buzz" to me, soon however, I ended up back on the typical shemale porn and have been since.
These last 4-5 years have been very confusing for me, in my social life I'm attracted to women (I even think I sort of fell in love with a girl in the
sixth form, basically college from ages 16-18 here in the UK) and I have no attraction to men. At a party me and my gay friend were pretty much
wasted lying on a single person camping bed with little room and I (without any sexual annotations at all) put my arm over his back to get more comfy, I was drunk and uncomfortable and just wanted to sleep, I asked him before-hand, loud enough for the still awake people in the room to hear and he said yes,he however, took this as a sign that I was interested in him and tried to kiss me, which didn't arouse me in the slightest and I had to get away from him and ended up sleeping on the freezing cold floor, we're still friends by the way, I was flattered not angry more than anything, to be honest, not in a sexual way, just like when you see a distant family member and they call you handsome or good-looking, that sort of flattered, not the sort of flattered when a girl compliments you and you can feel the attraction between you both.
My shemale porn addiction began to escalate further, where I was masturbating to it literally 4-5 times every single day, having no energy and not going out, I would stay at home and masturbate instead of going to college, the only time I would go out was to get drunk at weekends or on weeknights when I should've been at college the next day, I even showed up to college STILL DRUNK sometimes, I felt like such a low life. I would only really go out if I knew girls were there (which sort of proves my point about my real life attraction to them, but porn is more shemale orientated.)
I've really cut back on the drink now though, I drink only one night every 1-2 weeks :)
Basically I'm still a Virgin because of this damn addiction, I had the oppurtunity to have sex fairly recently, but that was with an older
women who to be fair, I wasnt really that attracted to, but I had trouble maintaining an erection, although this could be more down to
a certain foreskin problem with my penis which will be sorted shortly with surgery, so I've shyed away from going any further than making
out with girls and me performing foreplay on them due to this as its quite embarassing.
My previous ex girlfriend, I had no problem getting erect with her and I found while we were dating (only a few weeks) I was masturbating
hardly at all and thinking about her more, hell, I even managed to get erect through some skinny jeans she bought for me (she got the size
wrong) and they felt like they were going to make my balls explode, haha.
I remember being in a rock/metal bar not too long ago with some of my friends, a childhood friend of mine is into that sort of thing and was playing
in a band there so I went along to offer him some support and one of my other friends pointed out that an attractive girl stood near us was in fact
a transexual, I actually FELT my body becoming hot and aroused and practically had to run off to the toilet to hide my erection, I knew this wasnt normal and was quite scared, I managed to avoid the transexual all night but found myself looking back at her a lot.
However, fairly recently I was shocked to find a man in a shemale porn movie arousing, this was literally the final straw for me and I began
to realize that I actually DID have an addiction, its funny how it finally sunk in when I escalated to the next level.
Its fairly odd, because I tried to watch full on gay porn movies and didn't
really find anything to my liking, I scrolled through around 16-18 pages
on a porn site and it didnt do anything for me at all really,
yet another time after getting drunk and stoned, I
randomly got horny and while wasted I looked at some of it and I got really
aroused by it but couldn't ejaculate for some reason, I don't really
know why, probably the combination of booze and drugs, which believe
me-I wont be doing again.
The next day I checked the gay porn again and it wasnt arousing at all, I didn't
even get a tingling feeling down there, I was very, very
confused, like my sexuality was shifting and changing at times, its almost
as if the more I FEAR it arousing me, the more chance its going to, if that makes
I thought I could be bisexual for a while and wrestled with the idea while
on a night out, but I ended up just spending the night flirting with my
cousins friend like I was just drawn to her, even when trying to "be"
Bisexual, I was in the nightclub looking at the men, then the women
and thinking "That girl just looked at me, great!" completely
ignoring the men, but when at home I'm sat in my room worried
I could be gay/bisexual after masturbating to shemale porn.
I can look at a guy in real life and think "He's good looking" but thats it really,
I once remember my bisexual friend saying there is a long bridge
between noticing someone of the same sex is attractive, as opposed
to actually wanting to have sex with them.
This is the stage I'm at now, confused because I can basically get
aroused by strait, solo girl and lesbian porn (after 1-2 days
of not masturbating) and shemale porn pretty much whenever I
want and ultimatly as many times as I want, I've binged and
masturbated to the shemale porn like 9-11 times in one
day, each time I need stronger more "dirty" (to me, at least) stuff
to get off, like my fantasies become more "me being dominated" in
nature the more times I masturbate on that particular day, until
it gets to the point where I feel so disgusted with myself afterwards.
I don't know if this is further inclination that this is an addiction and
doesn't reflect some warped sexuality I have, but whenever I'm
about to ejaculate (about 5-10 seconds before, when you know you're
about to) I immediantly think of women and Vagina, I have ALWAYS done
this, ever since I started viewing shemale porn, I can't bring myself to
look at the screen as I ejaculate, I always imagine myself having
sex with a beautiful woman.
I've never ejaculated looking at the shemales, they arouse
me and I masturbate to them, but I literally just cant look at them
when I ejaculate, I have to think of having sex with a woman, its like
I become breifly "me" again, like you feel after you've orgasmed and you
can't believe you just did that, this is why its
so wrong to me I guess, deep down I know I'm a strait guy, in real
life I can't not talk to girls, I'm just drawn to them, but sat in my
room on this damn computer its like I'm bisexual, but I don't
"feel" bisexual in my heart, I wouldn't be fighting it, if I had
the same romanatic feelings I have for women, for men, I'd
be bi/gay in a heartbeat, but the romance, the "natural-ness"
just isn't there, I'm having a hard time explaining it.
Everytime I think "Okay, maybe I am bisexual" I try to let the thought
of it sink in for a while, but I ultimatly always think "Even if I am
bisexual, I'll never sleep with a man" yet i still have these shemale/
gay fantasies. Ultimatly they turn "gay" the more times I masturbate,
I.e the 7-9th time that day they will be gay/me being dominated in nature,
but 1-3 they are strait, 4-6 shemale, its pretty confusing, it gets more
and more "taboo" and "naughty" to me, the more I masturbate that day.
I'm a bit calmer about the "OMG I COULD BE BI!?" feelings right now, because I went
away with my family for 3-4 days recently and in those 3-4 days I spent a lot more
time with my family than I usually do and I was well away from computer
and internet access, I hardly ever thought about shemale porn and a change of scenery
was just what I needed to clear my head, I remember walking along the
beach thinking it would be really romanatic if I had a girl with me, then I
immediantly laughed at myself, remembering how confused I was about
being bi/gay, the romantic thoughts in my head are always about women,
when I got back home I masturbated to strait porn for a couple of days
and low and behold, I was back on the shemale porn soon after.
I bet if I were born 10 years earlier and never saw that first shemale add
on that site this would've never happened, but hey, can't change the
past, but I'm going to try really hard to change my future!
Its unbelivable how much damage the porn industry are causing, myself
and the people on this site can't be the only people in my generation suffering
from this, in fact I speculate in the near future this problem will gain
increasingly more awareness as the next generation--who have practically
been born with internet access and all of that porn available at the click of
a mouse will suffer much worse than us.
I think when I've got through this I'm going to donate some money to an
anti-porn organization, who, I'll be honest, before I thought were a bunch
of killjoys but now I realize they exist to protect people from exactly what
happened to me.
Basically I wanted to ask this community a few questions and hopefully
get a little support in getting rid of this addiction, I don't want to be like this anymore,
I'm a friendly guy with a great family and some great friends, but this addiction is holding me back
from having an even better life and I don't deserve that, no one does. I want to find
an amazing, beautiful girlfriend and have a really great time with her, I don't
want to be sat in my bedroom masturbating to porn for the rest of my life.
Aside from these questions I would appreciate your thoughts/comments on my
post above, I could really do with some input at the moment :)
1: How long (on average) do you believe it could take me to get my dopamine levels
back to normal? I.e no Shemale attraction anymore? The longest I've
managed to go abstaining since coming across this site is around 11-13 days,
that was difficult but I got there, my attraction to regular porn was very intense
for like 3 days after that and shemale porn wasnt really that appealing, until
I started over masturbating again, then it all came back.
I think with extra support I could go until a family members wedding. (9 weeks!)
2: Is it true that future ejaculation (after the dophamine is back to normal) will spiral
me out of control again? Because I do intend to have sex in the future
once this is sorted and maybe even have kids one day and ejaculation
usually does play a big part in that! :)
3: Do you think me being a virgin and a (hopefully) recovered porn addict could
cause problems for future sexual encounters? I.e erectile dysfunction?
This is bothering me quite a bit after my encounter with the older woman,
as I struggled to keep my erection, although that could have been down to
the god knows how many units of alchol I consumed a few hours before
and the fact I'd already masturbated that day, not forgetting my foreskin
issue also which caused quite a bit of pain when she touched my penis.
4: Can anyone suggest any ways to keep my mind off it? I don't
want to give it anymore power than it already has. I've tried meditation
but I'm a sort of active person, I can't sit still for too long, I have to be
doing something, and usually when boredom creeps in masturbation
5: I'm not sure if this is connected in some way, but I tend to over-eat a lot
at night (the usual time I have a mb binge) but I can't see why, I over-eat
to the extent where I'm eating a full dinner at night because I just *want* it,
after eating very little I don't even want it anymore and force myself to finish it,
the pleasure from the meal is gone fairly quickly, could this be linked to the
dopamine levels too? I can't even eat breakfast the morning after because I
eat so much at night, so I have next to no energy throughout the day.
I also binge on fast food when I'm out, I went to Mac'Donalds last week
with my friend, he weighs twice as much as me and only had a chicken
salad sandwinch and fries, I had three burgers, two packs of fries a coke
and a coffee, I don't even know why I ate all that, after the first two burgers
it became just a chore and a waste of money, it didn't even taste good
anymore and I had to force myself to finish it, is this linked to the dopamine
Thank you for reading if you managed to get through all that! :)
Everyone here seems really friendly and its reassuring to know others have been
through this and managed to beat it! Please share you're own stories with me
This is day 2 porn and masturbation free!