Dating and being addicted to gay porn

Submitted by Overcomer on
Printer-friendly version

Hello everybody,

I’ve been following this forum for exactly a month now and I have found the information on the site and the stuff shared on the forums really useful. It’s given me hope in dealing with something I thought to be my fate in life.

From the age of 18 years old I started watching gay male pornography. I’m now almost 24 years old, never had a girlfriend, and I usually masturbate once every couple of days.

For the last month I have been trying abstinance from ejaculation and I’ve only managed to do it for 1 week periods. During abstinance I became anxious and unable to relax myself, I got headaches and I didn’t sleep well. Generally, I felt like I was on the verge of a breakdown. However despite this, I have been acting more confidently and I had a more healthy self view.

Today I looked at porn again to ejaculate. I feel like crap now. I wish I was not addicted to homo porn because it makes me feel like such a worm.

I want to start dating girls but I always think that it’s somehow peversly wrong for someone with my disposition to have a girlfriend. What do you guys think about that?

Anyway, Im gonna aim for a month without ejaculation. It’s gonna be hard because of the anxiety and the headaches. Wish me luck!

Thanks for reading guys.

J

hey

I hope one day I'll be myself againI know what you are feeling,
i have you been watching straight porn before watching gay porn? I mean, is it a result of escalation?

Hi Polar, I was just

Hi Polar,
I was just wondering what are you doing to keep from being pulled back to your porn watching. I am always thinking that if we have a goal, or want to change in some way, too often we choose to focus on what we don't want. Sometimes we say "I don't want to think of..." and the only way our brains can do this is first bring it to our attention, then tell ourselves to not think of it. Try not to think of a pink elephant.... I would guess there was a pink elephant there somehow, however brief, but it was most likely there.... right? Wink

Also, am wondering if you are getting out of the environment that you are normally in. I have found that often routine breaks work wonderful in breaking all kinds of addictions. Do you get out and get exercising, fresh air, social situations appropriate for your goal of having a GF? Can you change your routine in such a way that the most trying times are spent away from the triggers. It is hard to watch porn on a computer, if you are walking in the mall or in the park, for example. :)

I don't think there is anything perversely wrong in wanting to date a girl, even with your addiction. I think it is a very good 'carrot' for motivation, that there is something nice and warm waiting for you at a later time, not just not looking at porn ( see the difference - positive vs negative goal?) My suggestion to you would state your goals in something tangible and positive like "I want to date a beautiful woman and feel..... " It is perfectly fine to have several goals, some short term may pertain to a goal for the day ( again positively stated... ) This may be a goal of making human contact with at least one members of the opposite sex a day, if that is an issue for you, just to chat at first.

Remember also that sometimes we take a small step backwards, but at least it is not just standing still, and progress is being made in just that. Feel free to ask any further questions, if needed privately, and know we are all behind you! there are so many good resources and people here.

NP

You've probably heard me say this before,

but quite honestly, your brain can link anything to sexual arousal, and it doesn't necessarily have much to do with your sexual orientation. You've probably read my 'Straight Men, Gay Porn' article. (http://www.reuniting.info/straight_men_gay_porn_sexual_brain_map) When I posted it on my Scienceblog blog, a man (who probably IS gay) corrected another man who had said, "Oh, this explains homosexuality." The gay(?) guy said, "No it doesn't. It's just talking about how things can become turn-ons even when they DON'T match your sexual orientation." He gave an example of gay men developing lesbian porn fetishes, with which he seemed to have some familiarity. Smile

So the problem goes all different directions.

As I just explained over here ( http://www.reuniting.info/node/3862#comment-23197), the problem is really the extremeness of porn itself. And the big hold-up for some of you is that you haven't yet made up your minds you're willing to give up all porn for good...because you're using it to regulate those awful withdrawal symptoms. I totally understand, but if you can give it all up, your brains won't constantly be looking for more and more stimulation (after the nasty withdrawal is over).

Believe me, even gay porn can get boring. And then what? Chat rooms? Acting out? It's not fun to be jerked around by the primitive part of your brain that's acting like a heroin addict. Wink But I guess I don't have to tell you that!

I've been slow to catch on to the idea that it's porn itself that's the problem here, but it's getting clearer and clearer...at least to me. Smile

Once you're clear on that, your challenge is coping with the withdrawal - and sharing your inner wonderfulness with the rest of us. Have you checked out the wiki (top right)?

I'm really sorry you're caught in this web for the moment, but you absolutely can change it. What you can't do is compromise with it. Your brain is probably always going to find porn too stimulating. And you may be more typical than you think. You're not the freak. It may be that the people who can watch raunchy porn without escalating are the freaks. Wink

*big hug*

Wanting to watch

gay porn certainly doesn't mean you're gay. One thing I've discovered, especially since coming here and hearing everyone's story, is that what each of us finds sexually stimulating is different. It's actually quite interesting.

Like for me, I can get turned on with blow jobs, whether men or women. Also for some reason, lesbian porn. As well as straight sex. But the "in the ass" porn, I get turned off by that faster than you can say "gross." Meanwhile, there are some guys here for who "in the ass" was the only thing that turned them on. I wonder why it doesn't for me but does for them? I don't know. We're each different, and for whatever reason, we'll link sexually stimulating to different images.

But because I can get off watching two men do a blow job on each other, that doesn't mean I'm gay as such. I've never done that in real life, and though I out of curiosity wondered what it was like, I've never seriously thought of doing it, or finding someone I could do it with. It doesn't feel revolting to me, but then again, neither is it particularly drawing for me, other than an interest of what it would be like.

But what you'll find is as you withhold from orgasm, it will be easier to let those desires die off, and your interest in the real thing to turn up. And it could be the bonding you'd get from a real girl would aid you in getting past this spot as well. So I wouldn't automatically reject women based solely on your desire to masturbate.

LOL

Cole,

thanks for posting your experience, I am not gay, I am not bisexual, I have a mental illness called HOCD or homosexual obssessive compulsive disorder, which means I have paranoid fears that I am turning gay. But I am not, so for some reason, I get off by in the ass (sorry for the graphicness) porn, while blow-jobs, just do not turn me on. I dont like it. I hate watching all of it. Because it is disgusting in nature. I think it is a combo of anxiety and shock of gay porn. I mean for some reason it is the same for heterosexual porn, I find "in the ass" sorry to be graphic marnia, also to be arousing. But I find it all to be disgusting. It is hard for me to bear watching, but I need the shock. Because I have had a bad porn addiction. and it ended up esclating to gay porn. I regret even discovering porn in the first place, it has done so much damage to me, I need to reboot. I need to let the wires untwine. If it was not for the escalting pornography, I would not be here today on this site.

LOL

hahaha, I dont mean that, I mean I dont like having this problem to deal with. But this site and your help was godsend.

I'm in a somewhat similar

I'm in a somewhat similar situation to you, I escalated to shemale porn 6 years ago.
I spent plenty of days wondering about my sexual orientation, sometimes when I was with
women I felt like I was "cheating" them, if that makes sense? I was worried I really was bi/gay and
I was lying to them.

Let me tell you, the more days you abstain, the fog will clear and you will feel better.
I managed to go 11 days a while back and even in that time I felt 100% better about
women, I'm on day 5 now and I'm already looking at women for their beauty and
feminity, not their looks as porn stars.

The people here are amazing, I haven't been here very long at all and already I've
had a lot of comments and messages from some fantastic and considerate people
who are also struggling. It may not seem like much, a few messages on an
internet forum, but let me tell you, I'm 100% determined to beat this since I started
posting here.

I wish you luck!
:)

lol I had the opposite

lol I had the opposite issue. I am a gay male but I was super turned on by straight porn. At first I thought this was just repressing a desire I had for women. I went out in real life to see if there was an attraction to women and there really wasn't. I liked how in straight porn it seemed to be more 'intense' and rowdy, but I started to feel unsatisfied after watching it like a lot of people.

I think the key here is your feelings of unworthiness, not the style of porn. But I think a lot of help that people try to give people here is like throwing the baby out with the bathwater. In other words, porn is a lot like chocolate, and a healthy relationship is a salad. Of course the chocolate bar is going to taste better and have a more potent strong-term effect but the long-term consequence is soul-destroying. The salad doesn't taste as good right away but it's better for ya. There is , however, nothing wrong with 'indulging' in a treat now and then. So I think saying that you'll never look up porn again is silly. You just have to make sure you're developing yourself in other ways.

You can be a caring, supportive guy to a woman and enjoy porn too (in moderation, just like chocolate and video games and being rude and anything else that has huge short-term egoic gratificiations but long-term issues) If you can't do this, then you might have some issue with homosexuality you need to address, maybe you just need to meet more gay people as friends. Some of us are good people and don't bite. ( not too hard at least =p)

Hmmm...

Thanks for your perspective, but the extremeness of the "treat" and the sensitivity of a particular brain seem to be important factors for some people. I say this because men who are doing well without porn seem to find their tastes and porn use quickly escalate if they go back to viewing porn. For them your casual advice that "saying that you'll never look up porn again is silly" may be be quite misleading.

It's tough not to generalize from your own experience, but do your best not to, without adding a caveat to that effect. Men here *want* to give up porn, but their inner addicts love rationalizations of the type you share here. In this sense, you are unwittingly undermining their efforts. Whether or not you agree with their choice, please be respectful of it.

Thanks.

Cheers for your feedback

Hi everyone,
A big thanks from all of you guys for your advice and encouragement. It’s been 1 month and two days since I last ejaculated which is gound breaking for me. I’ve been traveling for a month in India with my brother so I’ve been busy and unable to have internet access to porn. Now that I’m back at home, it will be more of a challenge to keep my eyes from watching that stuff.

getting_my_life_back – I was exposed to straight porn at about the age of 9. My friend's dad had stashes of pornos which we would take a look at ourselves. During my early teens I did sexual play with some girls too. It was when I was 18 that I was really caught by gay porn. I remember typing “big cock” into the computer, my head was beating loudly, I was petrified that someone would discover me, but it felt so right at the same time.
NPhypnotist – I read your post a while ago and I have to agree that looking forward to the good things to come, rather than focusing on the stresses of not being able to look at porn, is a great stategy. Cheers.
Marina – I totally agree that porn itself is the key problem. The thing is that there is so much material out there these days that you are sure to be able to find whatever you desire. I often find myself imagining what I want to look at during the day, and when night comes I can just search for it. The more disgusting the better – and after ejaculating I sit there while the movie is still playing, and I’m thinking, “How did I enjoy that? That’s disgusting!”

Thanks a heap for your replies. I'm glad I found this site and I'm hopeful for the future. I’ma try for 40 days abstinance and then I’m going to figure out a healthy amount of ejaculation for me. I’m thinking every couple of weeks. And I really want to keep away from porn too!

Congratulations!

So glad you're feeling in control and positive about your future. Thanks for updating us on your progress.

Yep, it's hard to resist "superstimulation" when it's there beckoning for free...winking at you, so to speak. But then, that's the same quality that makes it potentially a drug, so if you don't want to become hooked.... As I'm sure you know by now, it's easier to say "no" to the first dose than the second. Wink

Sexuality OCD

I watch gay porn. For some reason it's the only thing that works for me. I'm a guy who has been only with women and I'm disgusted by the idea of sleeping with another man. But for some reason watching hairy muscular dudes suck each other on tape gives me the thrill of a lifetime.

Because of that I was constantly bugged about my sexuality. I was thinking to myself that I were in denial. I've googled a million times stuff like "straight men like gay porn". I've read numerous forum topics about hetero guys, that were addicted to gay porn, but I just couldn't stop obsessing over this issue.

Until I read this article "I'm Gay And You're Not: Understanding Homosexuality Fears": http://www.brainphysics.com/yourenotgay.php

Did you know there was a homosexuality OCD? I didn't up until then. I was shocked how related that article was to my own condition. And you know what? I've been masturbating happily to gay porn ever since, without questioning my sexuality. I have a wonderful girlfriend, we're very close and I have never had any fears that I might fail to satisfy her sexually. Because I'm a straight man with homosexuality OCD. Why? No idea. But now I know I'm not in denial - I'm just a little bit weird in the head.

Maybe this article will help some people clear their issues with this. I've registered to this forum just to post this. Happy fapping, fellas!

Also, the article "‘Straight Men, Gay Porn’ and Other Brain Map Mysteries" is just GENIUS! Thank you so much for it, it has cleared up things ever more!