Snakes and Ladders

Submitted by bella on
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Hey there,
Im needing some encouragement. We have been practising Peace for a couple of months now and its been great in lots of ways [ as Ive mentioned in my previous posts] but we keep getting to the point where we will finally be able to make love and someone has a dream orgasm. We have had no orgasms apart from dream orgasms and between us its about one a week.
My husband is really struggling to stay with it,
and I too am begining to get dissalusioned. We have been following everyones suggestions on how to avoid the dream O but they seem to be quite persistant. My dream orgasm thismorning was about finally getting to make love doing the Peace process but it was hard to not get overly excited when your asleep.
Ps [as Im writing this post my words arnt fitting on the page on the right hand side, its a bit distracting when you cant quite see what your doing.]

You are doing great. Maybe move on to the next stage.

Hello Bella,

Yes, dreams can get very vivid *grin*.

First, from your previous posts, it is my understanding that you have not been actually sexually connected for the last few weeks.

I am not sure if the advice I am going to give you is the best one for you. Take it or leave it as you feel is best.

1) The fact that neither of you have had any orgasm physically for the last two months is a great achievement in itself. Many try but fall back to their old sexual patterns very soon. It is very hard to change sexual habits we had been cultivating since we reached puberty (i.e. 10,20,40,60 years of bad sexual habits). Be happy that you have found this material and congratulate yourselves for having gone so far already :).

2) Maybe you can make love and connect sexually with your husband, even though one of you had a dream orgasm. Some of the sexual tension has been building up for the last few weeks. Maybe it's time to use this accumulated sexual energy in a positive way. During the first few weeks or months, don't remain connected for too long, and don't move more than is necessary to maintain the erection. Otherwise, love each other and take care of each other as you have been doing.

3) Do you both 'transmute' the sexual energy? I know I tend to have a hard time when I don't do this. So, now I never forget to 'raise' the sexual energy up my spine after making love to my wife.

4) In some cases (but not always), erotic dreams (ending up with an orgasm) can be cause by lustful thoughts (even unconscious ones) during the day. I don't know about women, but it's hard for a man to avoid those altogether. But by dint of self obvervation and self awareness, one can learn to turn such thoughts / images into love and respect for the other people and keep eros for that special time with your spouse.

In any case, it is very hard to control dreams. In most cases, they are the reflection of what is going on within our psyche. What I call "Lust" will manifest itself within dreams especially when we start this new practice. I know it was the case for me. My most lustful, hard core dreams were when I just started.

But when one is persistent and works hard to avoid common pitfalls, the nature of our dreams start to change and reflect our new interior, psychological disposition.

Keep going. From your past posts, it seems that you are doing great.


I want to wish you well. You

I want to wish you well. You both have a real determination to learn something new. This is a complex process involving both physical and psychological factors. We are working in our consious, subconsious and superconsious beings. contributors here are in a wide variety of mental and physical states .

We don't know what we don't know. So to fathom new ways of being we actually have to wear the new behaviors and\or thought patterns for a while until we really experience something new. You guys are certainly doing all of that. Still it can feel like groping in the dark for something unfamiliar.

I have not been able to do the exchanges since my long time girlfriend lives too far away at this point to spend every night together.

The first part of the exchanges are about avioding orgasm by not getting close to the familiar pathway of stimulation. While practicing and focusing attention on those all important bonding behaviors. The second part of the exchanges is an invitation to engage sexually without orgasm.

my experience as a man is that it is a learning process, that takes some time. Avoiding orgasm with a lover is different than when alone. I learned to radiate the orgasmic energy through something like a very focused relaxation\difusion. Pulling it up focuses it through a channel or maybe gets us used to gathering all of our attention. And then spreading the energy like the branches, twigs and leaves of a tree. All the way out through our skin as light and love. It takes some getting used to. My partner learned to do this too. My lover and I learned over a year or two to avoid orgasm in order to then go for another peak. . .and another. Wave after wave. Eventually accumulating a lot of residual heat and culminating in a really big bang . Recently we put these skills to work and made love for two hour sessions without orgasm, on two consecutive nights. It was difficult to just stop when quite aroused. Maybe there is something about getting familiar with a new role as the initator of the new phase( instead of O) so, not engaging in the next round of arousal and instead going for a bonding cool down. It required the shared willpower of being the guardians of each others solace and peace of mind . Learning to cool down into loving comunion seems like a skill that we need to work on. *I think that what we are after here is not about avoiding arousal so much as grounding it in a deeply loving and happliy bonded primary relationship. Which lives within a cheerfuly functional tribe.* We parted company without orgasming and feel deeply loving of each other. Neither of us has felt any undue physical strain. I felt like I had had a real sexual workout without triggering the worst of my withdrawl symptoms. We really went for it . Perhaps as some compensation for not having the familiar big O. I expect that we'll settle down a bit in future engagements. This happened on about day 5 and 6 . After a previous meeting in which we both close to orgasm in the first round. Me within minutes. That was hot sex of the fertilization driven variety. The long sessions were pretty deliciously arousing too ,but tempered with a highly motivated and somewhat skilled attention to transmuting the aroused energy. We are both 50ish.

There remain for us some psychological issues around needing to reprogram destructive family of origin ego identification . That inconviently keys in with the intimacy sabotaging aspect of orgasmic sex. And shows up in the form of our reality being informed by compelling reasons to seperate.

I have offered this personal story as a platform in order to suggest that you both are proving to be comitted explorers in a complex realm . And that as such, you deserve to allow yourselves some latitude to experience a variety of results, over a range of timeframes ,depending on what you choose to do. And gradually to build up a big picture.

It's not a linear progression . Nobody can accurately tell you the next step. You are both wonderfully courageous. I hope that you enjoy many aspects of the journey. I sure am. All the best . Omulu

Thanks for sharing your progress

NOTE TO YOU ALL, many of the posts that look new are *not* new. Whenever I move a post as part of my shows up as a new post. The system is a bit mindless in this respect.

All replies are welcome, and interesting. However, you may want to check the dates if you have any interest in the person you are writing to actually seeing your reply. People drift in and out of the forum.