Confused about the hangover.

Submitted by Celeste on
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I'm really confused. When I went for four weeks without orgasm it was HORRIBLE. The first two weeks were fairly easy but after 2 or 3 weeks it was physically painful, nonstop. I thought after two weeks I was supposed to feel better but instead all I feel is tense and horrible. I don't have (or want) a partner right now and so karezza type things are out of the question. I'm just tired of being miserable. Masturbation makes me miserable because I hate what I have to think about to get off (and it can be physically painful since I'm a woman and do penetration) but not getting to do it at all is awful too. I can't go back to doing it. I know that. But when does it get better? When does it stop being awful? Can a person actually exist and function without ever having sexual release of any kind? Can giving up masturbation when karezza isn't an option actually work or is it just a losing battle?


Sorry for your discomfort. I definitely feel better after about two weeks, but some folks who have been struggling with too much stimulation seem to take longer. That doesn't sound like your situation, so I really don't know. I do wish we could give you some hugs. Sounds like that's what you mostly need.

Are you socializing with people you care about at all? We're tribal primates after all...

Hope this helps ...

I was certainly in misery for many days in a row even after the two week mark, although I noticed for me *mentally* things were better but *physically* I was still experiencing some serious withdrawal. I believe the common thread is the connection with porn, orgasm, self medication and using these things to cope with the stress of life in late stage capitalism. Celeste, you have gone longer than I have so I admire your sheer will power and ability to accept the pains and still persevere.

In my limited experience with this major life change friends who actually understand are really difficult to find but they help a lot. I do have a few I've told about this and *warm hugs* were not always forthcoming. As Marnia suggests though...I think this is the real medicine we need as we experience this. I never thought about porn or withdrawal when I'm in another persons company just enjoying conversation or doing something fun. As the people in the twelve step groups say these things "Take me out of myself." Porn addicts like to isolate, porn addiction happens when we are alone and trying to feel powerful. I've only realized that recently from being around here and reading a lot of articles/books on the topic.

When I had really painful blue balls for several days in a row I was so upset because I felt like "Hey this sucks. I'm doing everything right and this is my reward?" Notice the differences though in your brain how the pull of porn is weakest when your body craves it the most. That was something I experienced anyway and it's a paradox to me.

So another thing that might help keep you from going back is that when I'm experiencing withdrawal and I'm isolated or alone (majority of the time) the withdrawal symptoms are right up front and the cravings kick in for a release. Lately, I've succumbed to the cravings and masturbated without porn. To my surprise and withdrawal symptoms *didn't* go away completely. Only the super-stimulation from porn could release me from these cravings and that, my friend, is a very sobering and scary thought. Jees this shit really is like crack ya know? So stay strong sister.

Never forget it *will* get better. It has too. The longer you go the less and less hold this will have over you and the more your body will learn to adjust and grow new ways of coping. Keep up the good work.

Can a person actually exist

Can a person actually exist and function without ever having sexual release of any kind? Can giving up masturbation when karezza isn't an option actually work or is it just a losing battle?

Well one of my current goals is to try and be a person whos mind isn't CONSTANTLY THINKING ABOUT SEX. So that it becomes just another little aspect of life. (Somehow, thinking about trees kind of helps. Thinking about childhood as well. Probably cause I always liked climbing trees. Who doesn't?)

Anyway, I think I just read the other day in that post about 30 wise things everyone should know, how before you do anything you must first imagine what you want to do. Makes sense, I guess cavemen must have first imagined that they wanted to make flint weapons before cutting the stone... But that idea seems to be what I'm doing, thinking about how/who I want to be - someone who's brain isn't constantly screaming for dopamine - seems to help a little, gives me another tool, distraction... rather than focusing on the present craving, I'm trying to keep my mind on the future goal.

Is it a problem

If when I think about trees I think about doing it in a tree? Or Ents from LOTR like getting it on.

Of course I'm kidding but it shows how my brain has been pickled from porn. Wolf you are on point here. I am always thinking about it. I would like that to change someday.

Thanks, just thanks. As

Thanks, just thanks.

As *if* I could ever erase the mental image of the Ents from LOTR "getting it on". Ever so s-l-o-w-l-y... But the Entwives were gone by the time of LOTR. So sad.


Because life is not about who you were, it is about who you are becoming.

Celeste, eventhough my

Celeste, eventhough my situation isn't the same as yours, on a very basic level, my sense is that anyone who treads this path has to accept that part of resetting our systems is going through a period of frustration from not having the usual outlets, to a period of almost sexlessness and blandness before a new paradigm of sexuality can emerge. To the extent that any of us self-medicate with sex and masturbation (and most all of us are coming from sexuality in this culture from that standpoint), it takes a real willingness to literally abandon our old identities as we abandon our old sexual habits. I would say that before I embarked on this path three years ago my sexual life and attitudes were quite normal and healthy by our culture's standards. Still, my paradigm was very much based on release, getting off, and unconsciously, on discharging stress, much of which had to do with not being able to find my beloved. I think that it is much much harder to find a beloved when using masturbation as a copacetic, or sex as a means of performance or prowess or release. So for me stepping on this path eventually stopped being about balancing neurochemistry and avoiding orgasm and started to be about looking at all of the things I had been avoiding, making impossible, or discouraging through a sexuality that was not really based on presence, love, or realizing human potential.

When it became clear that what I ultimately wanted was a deeply loving partnership and a way to sustain that, every form of "coping" with not having that became unacceptable, because it was allowing me to live for longer and longer without what my soul really desired: union with the beloved. And that's goal-oriented sexes trick, which it plays very, very well: it will offer you physical pleasure in exchange for your heart's true desire. Even after being on this path for three years, it amazes me how much easier it is to be goal-and pleasure oriented rather than love and presence oriented. In love there is vulnerability, in presence there is exquisite nuance, and some part of us is right to intuit that we are downright scared of realizing our birthright to choose the ultimate pleasure of being empowered enough to be present and in love and empowered in that love. For love will literally destroy who we thought we were. And even as we hate ourselves, we find comfort in the solidity of our disturbed identities, because it is easier to follow old patterns and bemoan the loss of love and tenderness than to actually try embodying it and being totally destroyed and reborn in it.