Submitted by Patientfaith07 on
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Hi Everyone,

First time posting here. I'm 21 yr old male from Virginia...been struggling for a lonng time...

I'll start by saying this site is amazing, glad i found it. I haven't had a whole lot of time to read through it but hopefully some encouragement and just talking about everything going on will help out. this is probably the first time i've told anyone the whole story...every shameful detail, also sorry if its to much detail...

I started masturbating summer of 2001, age 12, i was at boy scout camp and one of the 15 yr scouts tented with me and he showed me how to do it, by masturbating me...i didn't think anything of it until later in the summer it happened again with a different person...he was 18, he gave me a blowjob...first two orgasms i ever had were to guys...i've never thought of myself as gay and probably never would in my opinion, even though neither situation was forced upon me. Once the summer ended i kept thinking about how good it felt and began exploring how to recreate what had happened, finally figured it out by fantasizing.

I Masturbated to fantasy...close to everyday throughout middle and high school and began distancing myself from people and things, i could never get a girlfriend, being made fun of my other kids, not in a clique i was not gifted in sports...little to no coordination...and the girls i did pursue rejected me which led me further into masturbation. One time My younger sister caught me in the act of masturbating and became curious about it she wanted to touch me so i let her cause it felt better than just me and we looked at each other naked but no incest...around 9th-10th grade i discovered porn, internet porn at that. the school GAVE us laptops to take HOME!!...easy way to porn thanks educational system!!...i began masturbating to that, but it started to get out control when i approached my sister again to touch me, she told my parents about this and they had a mini intervention and asked if i need to get help i said no...the ordeal shook me up a bit cause i felt so ashamed and dirty i was in the wrong and knew something was wrong with me, but couldn't stop i turned deeper into to it...i started to reign it in that summer...but then that fall my best friend and i discovered that we both masturbated and so we began watching porn and masturbating while watching each other...it turned into a mutual thing after a few years...i jack him, he jacks me...not and everyday thing...like maybe once a month...tops...as high school ended (my grades had suffered throughout high school) i had a few girlfriends but could never keep them cause i could not shake the porn...i am still a virgin to this day...

when i went to community college, so still in the same room i've been in my whole life...i had more freedom so i locked myself in my room with my video games and computer and became a recluse...which made me go deeper into porn and masturbation...pretty much everyday most of the time twice a day...i knew i was addicted yet still kept going...went about 12-14 days...19 days was the farthest i could abstain while home i would then relapse and fall deeper...last year i went on a 6 week trip around europe...the night before i left i masturbated and i did not do it again til was back home 6 weeks later...and my body had quite a few fu's to my concise while over there...on the 21st day...3 weeks in, i had my first wet dream ever...then another a week later and another 2 days after that...i had just drove my desire to distraction for 6 weeks that i was able to see the light...when i got home i went 2 days without doin it...and fell right back in...

I went a Methodist Church throughout my life...i joined a youth group...put on the good guy face and personality, everyone loved me...i was the nice guy...i said i was 'saved' in 2002...masturbation was just becoming a vice of my life...was not in a clear state of mind with god at all...as time went on my faith became less and less...i turned to alcohol and hard drugs in search of something to fill that gap that masturbation wasnt filling by itself...i began to emotionally hurt people i cared about and then began to sober up and find myself...God came through...and has brought me back to him...

Im not sure if this is just purely spiritual site or anything goes but...i believe that this time is for good...that im done with it...god has kept me strong throughout these past 16days...hes given me a new church home, a AMAZING group of friends...an addiction thats held me for 9 years is slowly falling away...and thank god it is...yes ive been tempted by porn a few days in between this but im pushing back this time...i've met this amazing girl who i want to start to have a real relationship with and so i'll be able to support her emotionally and not detached shell of raging lusts and desires...any links or ecouragement would be nice or just input about what i've written here...i am still ashamed by a lot of it but i needed to tell someone....

PS: sorry for gammer errors and such...i suck at writing

also wanted to say that

also wanted to say that since i'm on day 16...i've been feeling down lately...last weekend was a blast...day 10-11...my friend had a birthday party and i was out being sociable and dancing and having a great time...not worrying about porn or masturbating at all...these great great urges i had on day 14...i was past a 5 on that day it took everything to no masturbate...those urges are as great...still im at about a 3 on the wheel dial thing...hopefully can bring it back to a 1 for a while now...maybe also if the wet dreams decide to come this time around...even though i shouldnt count on it...

hey im going through the

hey im going through the same stuff atm; im also 21 and on day 15. I've just started to dig deeper into the articles on this site. the stuff is motivating and i try to read a bit each day. you might find the stuff on edgar cayce interesting ...

http://www.reuniting.info/wisdom/edgar_cayce_on_sex_and_the_tree_of_life

moods swings are normal; just dont focus too much on the down feelings when you get them because they usually pass quickly. youll experience less depression and more enjoyment of lifes subtler pleasures as you continue without p/m/o. helps to get out especially when your feeling low. why do you think wet dreams would make it easier to abstain long term?

wet dreams

thanks for the link man...the wet dreams part when i was able to just distract myself from p/m/o(good abbr.) while on vacation...i was able to connect with the people i was with it seem easier and emotionally deeper, more or less i was there for the wrong reasons, just trying to have sex for the first time...during those 6 weeks (which did not happen) but it surprised me when i had my first wet dream, but a the same time i was not completely surprised...the dreams seemed more like a gauge of how im abstaining, like i said i was able to go 19-20 days at home...on day 21 i had my first wet dream...3 weeks, enough to break a habit some say...granted it didnt completely rewire or workout everything deep down...but i could see and feel the life again...

looking outside...in

also another thing that has helped me with this stint of no p/m/o...is the last night i abstained i went a little over a week and i once again found myself home alone, craving, strong urges...and i found myself in the doorway of my room...a crossroads of sorts...one led back down the road i knew, the road that led deeper into these urges that would never go away, or the other road could run from it...out the door, distract myself...often of late when i feel a urge to look at porn or just to masturbate i often just remember standing in that doorway, watching myself make the choice to fail...it has been a huge help...

Sorry to hear that.

That's a sad story, I can relate. But, you're doing good to have made it this far! You will be tempted to view porn but, it does get better over time. Exercising helps a lot, just getting out of the house can help too.

oh yeah getting out of the

oh yeah getting out of the house has helped a ton...and just interacting with new friends getting out of my comfort zone socially and exercising has helped a lot...running and swimming...would trying one of the solo practices be a good idea now? or am i still to fragile to start exploring that aspect without creating an urge that would make me want to end in orgasm?

Thanks for sharing your story

Very inspiring. The "doorway" anecdote was great. That ability to think past the impulse to the consequences is very empowering, and even helps rewire your brain so the impulse doesn't have as much control the next time. The more often you resist, the stronger the second (new) pathway in the brain, and the easier it is to go where you want to go...instead of where your impulse wants to take you. Smile

It's not unusual for addicts to get help via grace. In this regard, you might enjoy a book by a psychiatrist (G. May) called Addiction and Grace. It's not about porn at all, but the same principles apply, and he did a really good job of explaining how addiction throws brain chemistry out of balance in all sorts of ways...and why it takes time for your brain to come back into balance.

In other words, you'll be noticing improvements for quite a while. Smile

It really helps to have a sweetheart and a social life. Lucky you! Lots of time with her, lots of friendly interaction, affectionate touch, etc. will all help. Just so you know why, you might want to have a look here: "The Lazy Way to Stay in Love" http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/200909/the-laz...

I'm not a big fan of the "vice" label, because "forbidden" things become that much more enticing...producing that much more exciting neurochemistry when one "sins." So, personally, I think it's safer just to thoroughly understand what you're dealing with at a brain chemical level, how natural it is that you ended up where you did, what's entailed in re-balancing, etc. If you want to learn more about this, you might start here: http://www.reuniting.info/wiki#porn

Also feel free to start your own blog if you like.

Thanks!! i agree with the

Thanks!! i agree with the vice label Marnia, was typing this kinda fast...thank you for the links...

and the sweetheart isn't actually a sweetheart, yet...i'm just good friends with her now, and i hope it can become more...her good friends adore me and know that i like her. I'd like to ask advice to people who are in a relationship now and were not before they started to recover did you tell the person that you were addicted but recovering. How did that go over for you? did the person reject you or did it strengthen your relationship with that person?

Note: I've moved some of this story to my blog (with some edits and such), which i'm going to try and keep daily updates on mood and withdraw symptoms if any, and just status on my progress throughout.