After spending eight months in Asia studying abroad and holding strong boundaries, I came back to the States ready for MEN!
Gorgeous men abound here, and I had no trouble connecting with several lovers in the first few months. After many years of being stuck in the orgasm cycle, I was tired of it. I wondered how would Karezza (being sexually intimate without orgasm) work for singles?
Just to be clear, I wasn’t being recklessly promiscuous. The three men I’ve been with in the last few months I’ve known for 9 months to 3 years before entering into an intimacy phase with them.
Last year, before leaving for Asia, I started to experiment, and started to opt out of orgasms with my sexual partner. I was shocked at how I felt totally satisfied and blissed out for at least three days. Whereas if I had an orgasm, I would feel horny and in need of another release in about 20 minutes. It was a huge difference to feel “blissed out” for days rather than “in need” shortly thereafter.
At the time I was also burning through men, or they would burn through me, so when I got back from Asia, I re-worked my strategy. I simply told them that I wanted to try this new way of being sexual, and explained to them the orgasm cycle.
Every time you have an orgasm, it’s a neurochemical high not unlike shooting heroin. No wonder it feels so good, and makes you want more! Also, from a biological perspective, once you have an orgasm, your body thinks, “Okay, I’ve fertilized this woman,” (if you’re a man) or “Okay, I’ve been fertilized by this man.” You may become irritable, or just lose interest. Sometimes within hours, sometimes days, weeks or months, you can stop being attracted to the person and want to move on to someone different. (Moving onto a new partner helps to create more variety in the gene pool.)
According to Chinese medicine, you lose a lot of your Essence every time you orgasm, and Karezza has been practiced for thousands of years in many religions and cultures. Every time I explained this to a man, he got to check for himself whether it was true for him, and whether he wanted to try this new way of being sexual.
I would say that at least half of the men I’ve spoken with were interested in doing this. In fact, a surprising amount of men I’ve spoken with already do this, because they had found what I shared to be true themselves already. They enjoy being able to last longer in bed with their lover, and they also don’t like the feeling of losing so much energy after they’ve had their orgasm.
With regard to the men that I’ve slept with since returning from Asia, I can tell you that the experience has been amazing! My first lover called it “riding the wave.” The idea is that instead of having foreplay to create a need to release, i.e., orgasm, we have a slower, more connecting way of being intimate. Yet we’re still playing and doing all the things we love. He would say, “Let’s ride the wave all night!” as he didn’t need to stop and recover from an orgasm.
My third (and favorite) lover this year would lie in bed afterward, and gush about how satisfied he felt, and how he didn’t have blue balls at all! He expressed his shock and excitement, and enjoyed how energetic he felt afterward. We played using bonding behaviors, traditional foreplay methods (but slower), wrestling and kissing. We had hours of fun!
He and I used words like “yellow,” meaning that I was moving towards orgasm, and “red” meaning to stop because it was going to happen any moment. One night, I went from yellow to red so fast, that I had an orgasm, which was not my intention at all. For about two weeks, my yoni felt dense, as if I needed another release (orgasm). That’s the feeling of being really horny!
I never feel horny when I don’t have orgasm. I feel like I want to play and connect, but I don’t feel horny and in need.
On that occasion, I also felt really separate and distant from my partner, while at the same time pining for him and feeling like I needed to be nurtured and held. This was different also because I felt like I didn’t have much to give. It felt like I was pushing and pulling at the same time, rather than connecting and playing and laughing. My hormones went through the roof. I picked fights with people I loved, had a rough menstrual cycle, and altogether felt uncomfortable for two weeks. Once the cycle released, I calmed down, and was able to connect again. This cycle is just not worth it for me for a few seconds of orgasmic pleasure.
The biggest difference I can see so far about Karezza is that when the sexual aspect of being in a relationship is complete, we easily shift from being lovers to being friends. In contrast, I can look back now and notice how I am not friends with almost any of my former lovers. (Maybe 2 out of 50?)