Grey Area

Submitted by SportsGuy2259 on
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I was just curious. I know when people try and recover sometimes there is this grey area they go through. Its when nothing excites them, as the brain tries to bring itself back into balance. I've been recovering well for 3 weeks. However like most people i get kinda scared, i feel at times, not all the time, like my libido is low, or i have no sex drive. I'll admit i looked at a little porn, just to see my reaction ( i know this is a huge no no), but i did it, so i'm not gonna worry about it.

The result - The response was alot more minimal then it used to be. I barely even got aroused by it. Which i def saw as a positive. At the same time it scared the crap outta me, thinking whats going on here. Why no libido?

I was just wondering is this normal. I feel as if my brain is somewhere in the middle, somewhere between porn, and being in balance again. Looking at real women. I can get aroused slightly by real women, and i can also slightly by porn. Thats what makes me think this. weeks ago it was all the way in favor of the porn, sort of like a pendulum. I guess some more weeks of staying away will help even more, still its scary, just wanted to see what others thought, maybe share your experiencs.

I noticed that.. when I look

I noticed that.. when I look at women after not viewing porn and/or masturbating.. there is a loss of the 'excessive heat' one may feel when looking towards women. It seems much more innocent then to look at a woman, it's not 'excessively heating' as if I had just recently looked at porn or masturbated to "excess". It just feels there is a point where the energy becomes well, downward flowing and that doesn't feel as "pure" to me ie it feels dirty. I lose energy and it seems to be impure. Though when I do look at a woman now, there is more a feel of innocence, and the feeling is also more powerful ie, imagine how powerful it would feel to not look at porn or women for a long time and then you finally do one day and your sexual energy becomes "awakened" again, this time it's more powerful, but also more innocent because it's not associated with "negative" concepts such as porn does or excessive heat does. For example I could just look at a girl's facial features and become interested in her as a person more, or even romantically, even sexually rather than at her other bits and think of her in a dirty/nasty impure kind of way. It's kind of hard to explain. My new way of looking at women can still be sexual but it's not in the 'excessive' way or 'dirty' way, or rather it's more heart based. Not that there can't be any sort of passion in me, nor can't I get an erection it's just sometimes there's no need to, except for when the "time comes" that we do the "thing" and that the energy is more refined. I think that's the way it should be and any other way would be imbalanced, and can lead to "negativity" things I just don't want.

I haven't ejaculated in about 6 months already, and haven't been with a partner so it's been easier. At times the sexual feelings do resurface, and with a vengeance but as I said it just seems more "pure" to me and not excessively sexual or overheated. Or at least, a bit more balanced ie with heart. Although my feelings may be excessive (because of repression, or frustration) there is no 'negative concepts' attached to it as if I had been viewing porn or masturbating in 'excess' recently. For this reason though, I stay away from masturbating in excess which for me is no masturbation at all, nor any pornography. My goal is actually, sort of daoist and to not have the energy turn into what is called "post-natal", and keep it "pre-natal". At least, until the time comes when I have to use it, and consciously.

I really don't care so much as for the 'libido' part, when I need it I'll have it. True libido is different from what you may be used to.. as perhaps described in Marnia's book.

Hey man...

You haven't lost your libido! You are in a way, more in control. This is a good thing. You are not the only one who has looked at porn as an experiment after no PMO in awhile. There's no moral no-no here, just not recommended if you want to *stay quit* as they say.

Don't be scared man. You are in uncharted waters for your brain but it is undoubtedly good because sexuality is now your choice and doesn't have to be compulsive. If you should happen to meet a woman you are attracted too who reciprocates this attraction and put you guys in a room together you would have no problems whatsoever performing sexually...in fact you are likely to perform better, especially if you are planning on holding back orgasm or practicing karezza. You now have new sexual choices available, don't be afraid because yes it's normal.

thanks for the responses guys....

However im just saying. sometimes i can look at a women and it just won't turn me on. Others it def will. Same thing with porn, again its like my brain is in the middle somewhere, and nothing really turns me on with any "authority".

I would just like to know is this kind of the precursor to getting better. I mean to be honest i have quit before, and things have worked out well, however i fell back into porn.

Most of the time during recovery the thing that sets me back is getting scared about the libido thing. Then i'd MB to porn just to see if everything was still working. I don't wanna do that again.

In my past recoveries, what i had done is tried to think of nothing sexual, at all for a period of 2-3 weeks. Thus giving my brain time to kind of reset iteself with no distractions. It has worked. But again i never really thought of the grey area thing.

I know when my brain is balanced, but its just not quite there as its been in the past, it feels like im stuck in the middle somewhere. I guess i just need more time,over next couple weeks if i could even improve 1/4 of what i have done these last couple weeks i think i'll be ok. But its a process.

Ya know...

Sometimes I look at a woman....and I'm just *not* attracted to her! LOL Don't worry! This grey-ness could be from just not being into it right now. It will come back, again don't stress over it and just don't look at porn anymore or MB. The benefits are like interest they accrue over time.

I'm sorry you're

concerned, but as best I can tell from all the stories I've listened to, it is normal for the brain to return to balance by various routes. There seems to be a very broad range of what is "normal," and improvements continue for months for most ex-users.

It sounds like your anxiety is making you "test" yourself, when you should just wait...and avoid porn even if you masturbate. Remember, the more extreme the stimulus, the more your brain slows its return to equilibrium.

What about putting your attention on socializing, instead of anxiously monitoring your levels of arousal? They will change over time. So day-to-day "readings" are just going to make you anxious for nothing.

*big hug*

PS

I'm sure you already know this, but if our hypothesis is correct (that is, that hyperstimulating sexual stimuli for us are somewhat like hyperstimulating food for rats...in terms of effects on the brain), then it makes sense that your brain is not affected by normal sexual stimuli for a time during recovery.

In the case of the rat experiment, the rats who had been binging on cheesecake Wink sausage and frosting had no interest at all in normal food for a time. And two weeks later, neither their brains nor their appetites had fully recovered.

This change takes time.