4 months of daily bonding behaviors & frequently attempted karezza

Submitted by Quizure on
Printer-friendly version

My partner were talking about the last 4 months of our experiment and the last year or so in general, and analyzing the data I'd recorded.

He doesn't notice a hangover, but he doesn't miss the orgasms and he can see that I'm happier, so he's happier. I'm not just happier, I'm calmer, more resilient, thankful that I'm so lucky to be so blessed with my partner and many times, just plain blissful. I'm also sleeping better. My blood pressure is lower.

Because we're engaging physically more often, the time has to come from somewhere, and the time trade off has been less TV time for him, for me, it's been reading time. As far as outward manifestations, friends have commented (I never imagined that anyone else would notice) that we seem much calmer and happier, and they wanted to know what our secret to staying happy was.

From my data, we've changed four things -
1. We're having PIV sex 4 to 5 times more often now than in the last year.
2. We're engaging in extended bonding behaviors every day, which we were not doing for the same amount of time each day during the pre-Karezza period. (We work in the same department, and interact in our work on a daily basis, commute together, and take lunch together every day. We usually cook dinner together each evening, but we always eat together.)
3. We are not intentionally going for orgasm. When orgasms occurred, they were unintentional. The effect of this is that the amount of time we spend in PIV intercourse is much greater than in the pre-Karezza period. (Probably on the order of 10 to 15+ times longer, in total given the increase in frequency.)
4. Both of us have had 2-3 times as many orgasms in the most recent 4 months than we did in the prior 4 months.

Given that we've had many more orgasms than before, we were puzzled, as we should be more hung over, more horny and more irritable than during the 'control' period, but in fact, we were not. The few times we have been noticeably horny we got really 'overheated', but didn't orgasm. So, I have to look towards the benefits of extended gentle intercourse, and the consciously applied bonding behaviors as the major catalysts in our increased levels of love, connection, and happiness.

To me, this speaks to the benefit of everyone applying the practice of daily bonding behaviors and even part-time Karezza to any relationship. Even if you can't manage to avoid orgasm every time or even most of the time, just keep trying. It's still beneficial.



Loved reading this.

Thanks for sharing. I really look forward to Karezza experiments. My partner and I have been trying to avoid orgasm and then in the moment we both want it and go for it. Hey we are in a honeymoon period right? This is the free ride part! However, I've become way more in tune with the body/minds subtle hangover effects. It can be everything from staring too long at other potential mates to returning to some old flames in my mind, or thinking about sexual opportunities from my past that didn't work out or I passed up for legitimate reasons.

Overall things are great though. I notice greater harmony when we do actually succeed in no orgasm. I believe what I'm experiencing is similar to you. Maybe you and your partner are experiencing something like a "second honeymoon period?" All the more reason to stay on the Karezza bus. I'm glad to read about your experience, thanks for posting.

Awareness of

those subtle shifts is already an important step. Without that, it's really hard to figure out how to smooth out wrinkles when they show up.

Good for you!

Subtle effects

Noticing subtle effects has been an interesting part of this whole experiment, both related the process of 'finding the sweet spot' during Karezza, and in general noticing how our feelings react/arise in response to others in our lives. I have been much more aware of the kinds of words I use (positive, negative, loving, selfish, angry, judgmental, etc), when I'm interacting with people, and the negative feelings that can happen abruptly (snappy little limbic brain) - and pausing, just a moment, to let the feeling, be, and pass, if it's not the kind of feeling I want to have right then.

This summer has felt very much like a honeymoon, but I don't intend for this one to ever be over.


Thanks, Quiz

Very helpful. Yes, bonding behaviors are powerful. And the goal is balance, whatever that means for you.

I suspect it also makes a difference whether the orgasms "just happen" or are "The Goal," as the latter seems like it could get the dopamine roller coaster moving faster.

In any case, great feedback. Your careful observations are very much appreciated here. I hope you'll continue to share.

The goal is the culprit

I agree that there is a big difference between "goal" orgasms and ones that just "happen". The latter seem to be quite satisfying with minimal after effects for me. However, when I "go for it", the initial satisfaction isn't there and I seem to be cranky for a few days. This is true even if I stop before ejaculating. It's like the frantic mindset that "I've got to reach this goal" sets off the negative cycle, even if I don't reach the treasured goal line.


I plan to continue with my recording of the data, and sharing here.
As you might have surmised, I *love* data. The census data gets me all tingly!

Feel free to laugh at that , because you're not laughing at me, you're laughing *with* me. :)


There are lies, damned lies and statistics.
Mark Twain

One must ponder the

One must ponder the elaborate mind that we do our best to have the tiniest grasp on. Clearly there is something to the level of relaxation when having an orgasm that must play a role in fall out. Could it perhaps be new conditioning that our mind sees it no longer as a drug fix, but just a peak of pleasure when all else is at ease?

Doing anything out of love seems to nourish the other as much oneself.

Just a theory, but if one orgasms to relieve stress instead of in the absence, the mind would most likely panic as chemical blast such as orgasm would be neuro havoc especially once the feel good wore off.

I think quizure is correct, and many including me have stated it. No matter what kind of relationship you are in, bonding behaviors should be plentiful. Those that practice orgasmic tantra have meditative rituals, massages, and the other bonding methods that many on here use. I would be tempted to see a way to analyze the groups to see if bonding behaviors are the trump card.

I am not sure if I brought this up before as I post many places. A girl in the past that I dated I utterly dreaded, but she was really into me. I was foolish in my willingness to go out with her out of her due to her being so messed up and on the verge of suicide. Her attitude didn't really change, nor did her personality. She did much better and didn't die. I can vouch though, that one can truly see the power of bonding behavior when I went from a guy who pretty much hated this person, so a guy that was now close to her even though nothing else changed. Hugs and kisses, talking and being there when I was needed. It really does alter perception in a way that if applied to a person you already were in love with, then I can only imagine the strengh.

Yes, selflessness

is a very helpful mindset, as it helps keep our genes' natural "get 'er done" drive at bay. (Richard Dawkins didn't call his famous book The Selfish Gene without cause!) At any rate, your story about nurturing that girl is quite beautiful.

I also like the thought that the difference between orgasms may indeed come down to whether one is trying to get to relaxation/bliss via a build up, tension-and-release, strategy (the Daoist "peak orgasm") or falling into this total relaxation/bliss without striving for anything other than to love and nurture one's mate (the "valley orgasm").

I've just been reading the late Rudolf Von Urban on this very subject, and I'll post some of his analysis soon.

Von Urban and relaxation

Here's a bit of what I was just reading:

A passage in Plato's Symposium seems to indicate that the "something they don't know what" which the lovers long to obtain from each other, is the exchange of their body radiations [p240] which enables them to become entirely relaxed. This means that their sublime feelings of happiness are induced, to use prosaic words, by nothing other than a complete liberation from tension.

For more: http://www.reuniting.info/rudolf_von_urban_relaxation_and_bliss