Need help getting over my blocked sexuality

Submitted by upagainstawall on
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Hi everyone, thanks for this site. It is really encouraging to read and learn from some of the experiences others have had.

I will try to be as coherent as possible when I describe my situation. I believe that it is a complicated mess, though I may be wrong. I am a 27 year old gay male and I have a strong belief that I have not developed very healthy sexual behaviour in my lifetime since coming out (around age 20). I feel like the ease of internet use to meet men or masturbate to porn has impacted my understanding of sex so much that I feel lost when given the opportunity to have a rewarding and enriching sexual relationship. Recently, the longest relationship I'd ever had ended. I was in love with him, but I was unable during the entire relationship to really feel that sex lust that I feel in other sexual encounters. If I think about it, I rarely feel that sex lust with re-occurring partners. I usually only am extremely excited about sex when it is with someone new and I barely know them, or their bodies. Furthermore, I have a lot of trouble with cumming with my partners and this has been since day one. I have only cummed with another person 6 times, though I've had sex plenty. When I am alone, cumming is not a problem. I watch porn a lot to achieve this. My fear is that I am not helping myself get over this retarded ejaculation problem with my addiction to porn continuing the way it does. Furthermore, I feel I am unable to get closer to people due to a variety of control issues that I can't seem to get over or identify their origins. The ending of my most recent relationship was my fault because I didn't want to share my body with my partner. I need help in identifying steps towards a healthier sexuality where I am comfortable in my skin, I can begin to bottom, I can cum with my partner,


Hi Up

Sorry you're in pain. To be honest, although you are most welcome, you may find this forum a bit too...hetero-normative to be of much use due to your lifestyle. Although I suppose that some of the principles we experiment with here could be of use in same-sex relationships, there have been too few same-sex visitors employing them to be confident about that.

That said, your experience is very valuable and I'm grateful that you shared it. Certainly your experience that novelty is an aphrodisiac (extreme stimulation) that can dysregulate the brain...making it very hard to sustain attraction in an ongoing relationship...makes perfect sense. It lines up with what we're learning about some of the unanticipated effects of extreme sexual stimulation...whether by Internet porn (which is constant novelty), phone sex...or supersonic sex toys (for all I know Wink ). The risk is that "supranormal" versions of natural reinforcers (sex and food, for example) temporarily numb the brain. This leads to a search for more and more extreme stimulation...or at the very least to a dissatisfaction with the absence of significant stimulation via novelty or whatever.

Of course, the ideal situation would be a return to "normal sensitivity," at a brain level, so one wouldn't need constant novelty, Internet porn, phone sex...or whatever to get aroused. But this seems to take time (without extreme stimuli), and the recovery period can be a long, dark tunnel...before the brain begins to bounce back and find less extreme stimuli arousing...and satisfying.

Your experience of finding it easy to achieve orgasm with porn, but not with a partner is not unusual today. Many people find that they can "edge" to Internet porn until they build up a head of to speak. The constant novelty (one vid after the other) is one hit after the other of dopamine. But sex with a partner, after the first exciting time, isn't novel (isn't releasing as much dopamine), and a numbed brain can thus easily fall into "copulatory impotence." (That term was invented in the Onania forum...a forum for compulsive masturbators.) The brain's dopamine mechanism is critical to sexual arousal, so when it's "dysregulated" things don't respond normally.

So you're right that porn is probably not helping. But there may be no quick fix to your problem. This guy, for example, needed two months to reboot his brain: And even if you return to balance, the problem is likely to recur when you return to extreme stimulation. *sigh*

The good news is that you may actually be more normal than you think...behind this dysregulation problem. Low dopamine response can dampen more than sexual response. It can also mess with your mood and confidence.