Submitted by ItsyBitsy on
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Greetings. Looking for support, wisdom, successes etc. Going sexless again for the umpteenth time this year....spouse wants to go back and start/have a friendship before we do anything remotely physical/sexual again. And spouse wonders why I "obsess" about when we will have sex again. Spouse would not agree to schedule it only wants to have total control over own body and only have sex when they really want to. Leaves me twisting in the wind. After a start or two, spouse didn't like the exchanges, said they felt forced. Then after another big blow up and a therapist discussion, we did the three weeks no O's, at spouses insistence...that was the way it was going to be. No sex, no O. We finally had sex, briefly and ended with spouse saying oh so romantically..."get off of me." Two weeks later, another fleeeting encounter ending with a sudden "you need to stop" spouse leaving the bedroom, returning, cocooning in blankets alone and saying good night.
I thought this was supposed to work by being frequent, and lasting. It is neither. And if I try to talk about it, I am reemphasizing her beliefs that all I am motivated by is sex. Now another therapist visit and a month long or longer sexual hiatus again for us to make a friendship happen. Mean hurtful things are being thrown around. Right over our kids heads.


Start a blog, if you like. That way you'll have all your threads together. It's amazing how nasty mates can get toward each other when things are out of whack. But I've also seen some real miracles of reunion, so don't give up...yet. Wink

I can sympathize with your distress. It sucks, because your are right that sex is important. It's very both partners. Unfortunately, it's not very nurturing unless both are into it, because it's not just about genitals, but about nurturing each other. Right now, her brain is not associating sex with nurturing. So you need a strategy to reverse that. And a lot of patience.

You also need ways to nurture yourself in the meanwhile. Here are some activities that seem to increase good feelings: Which ones can you add to your routine? Another factor that can cause restlessness is, paradoxically, masturbation, especially to today's super-stimulating porn. It can actually increase sexual frustration. I have no idea if it's part of your life, but I mention it because it's part of many lives.

Now, back to managing Mrs. Sunshine: You may have to back up and try "stealth karezza" for a while. That is, check the list of bonding behaviors here and apply the ones you can apply *outside* the bedroom - without pressuring her in the all. As you can see, "pushing" of any kind is moving things the wrong way. She needs time for her nervous system to relax back to neutral. She's definitely not seeing your true wonderfulness for the moment. And no whining, logic or other formal efforts are likely to turn things around from what you say.

· smiling, with eye contact
· skin-to-skin contact
· providing a service or treat without being asked
· giving unsolicited approval, via smiles or compliments
· gazing into each other’s eyes
· listening intently, and restating what you hear
· forgiving or overlooking an error or thoughtless remark, past or present
· preparing your partner something to eat
· synchronized breathing
· kissing with lips and tongues
· cradling, or gently rocking, your partner’s head and torso (works well on a couch, or pillows)
· holding, or spooning, each other in stillness
· wordless sounds of contentment and pleasure
· stroking with intent to comfort
· massaging with intent to comfort, especially feet, shoulders and head
· hugging with intent to comfort
· lying with your ear over your partner’s heart and listening to the heart beat
· touching and sucking of nipples/breasts
· gently placing your palm over your lover’s genitals with intent to comfort rather than arouse
· making time together at bedtime a priority

Feel free to whine here, though!

Can't say nurture!

Ouch again. Spouse went ballistic at the mention of the word. Says it conjures up mother and child, not the grown up they want to be married to. They want backing up/building friend level without any pressure for anything at all physical....kiss, hug. No skin to skin contact. No breast/nipple touching kissing/sucking, that doesn't work for us(her) at the moment either. Breasts and kissing is 'sexual' to her. She won't even start the exchanges again for a month or two. Her/our therapist told her the book and exchanges were for people who were already friends/connected and we were not interpretation was the bonding behaviors would help connect us. Unfortunately, it wasn't working for her. She says she's never been a cuddler, not a fan, why should I expect her to now? I feel so starved for affection of any sort. Makes it hard to see clearly what there is I can give that she wants.

I'm sorry you're starved.

I get that, but I'm also sorry you're still trying to "sell" her on the idea of meeting your needs. It's not time yet. I know that's hard to accept when it's well PAST time to have your needs met. But you will have to back off.

Look down that list and see what things you could do outside the bedroom and start doing them. Don't discuss this with her. Actions speak louder than words right now.

*big hug*

I think it may well

work one way. You start, and she may find she wants to return the favor. Wink In any case, you will feel better doing Morita's strategy than you will stewing in resentment. Try it for a week and see if it moves things off of dead center at least.

*big double hug* Smile

rough one

Sounds like your in a difficult situation and once it get to the stage it now is it can be tough to defuse things. Its rough when the exact thing that could heal you both is whats unwanted. I dont think that there is anything in the short run that is going to change her feelings. Is there any chance you could go for a month or two and completely drop the subject? Find something completely different to focus on, something that you could really put yourself into. This may sound extreme but what about something like making a kayak or boat. I dont know if you are handy with your hands and have garage but they have these beautiful kits where you dont need a lot of skill to make them. Not to mention they're fun and come out beautiful. I'm just using this as an example of a place to put your focus that would be enjoyable for you and takes your focus of her, some kind of project. Find something you're passionate about. It really sounds like she needs some serious space. Sometimes a woman needs to know you can handle their extreme behavior. Not that she's doing it to yank your chain, I think she just needs the extra space right now. When you put your focus elsewere and take her in stride it helps her to relax some in that space you give her. I know its no fun but if she's digging her heels in there's nothing you can do but focus somewhere else. Maybe that will help her to soften, and then really, carefully follow her lead.

Wish you the best, tough spot to be in.


Things I've done with 'just friends', including my brother and his friends:

Singing in Harmony
Marching band/Orchestra
Two-person duets
Bike Riding
Ice Skating
Water color painting classes
Building a tree fort / space ship.
Playing video games/pinball
Making cookies
Setting off fireworks
Throwing a surprise party for someone else (the planning is fun!)
Reading the same book at the same time and talking about it.
Cooking class
Watching old movies - we loved the Thin Man Series and Mr. Blandings builds his dream home, among many other fun/funny classics.
Blanket forts
Playing Piano Duets
Playing at the old-fashioned Arcade at the beach.
Bumper Cars!
Making Christmas or other holiday decorations
Shopping at Antique/vintage stores, flea markets.


All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.
Ralph Waldo Emerson