First, thanks for making this site and writing your book, Marnia. Your theories make a lot of sense to me, and seem to explain many of my earlier experiences.
This spring I ended my two year relationship with my previous girlfriend, after *surprise surprise* a lot of emotional friction and missing attraction between us.
After going on a crazy porn/masturbation binge I started searching for information on porn and emotional health, and stumbled upon this site like many in that situation seem to do. And so after reading a lot I went cold turkey for three weeks, not really noticing much difference in anything. After three weeks I slipped back into my pre-relationship pattern of relieving myself once or twice a week, still not really noticing any difference in how I was feeling.
Fast forward to september, I bought Cupid's Poisoned Arrow, which I am reading a couple of tens of pages a day. I decided to try abstaining from orgasm again, and I'm now on my third week, and really noticing differences in my general outlook on life, stress levels, confidence, general chattyness, and how others respond to me. Of course, all of this may be imagination or placebo effects, or just the result of having a lot more distance from the breakup, but I really feel better about just about everything.
I have recently met a woman who of course, being new in my life, seems quite exciting and wonderful. I am trying to focus on actually getting to know her, and not move quickly into sex as I've done (too many times) earlier. This may seem strange to some of you, but I'm not really sure how I would go about getting to know her and bonding with her without things progressing to sex. I've used sex as a way to get to know someone earlier, and I'm afraid that if I'm not careful, I'll end up going that way without even thinking about it.
I'm afraid if I bring up bonding behaviours and karezza she'll freak out and bolt. I'm not sure how to explain all this without being to esoteric. Especially since I've never really experienced the benefits, and I'm not sure it'll even work. I've just read some book and now I want to quit having orgasms. Seems weird and over-analyzing - I mean, most couples have orgasms and do just fine, right?
Anyway, my plan so far for our saturday dinner (first date) is to just do my best to postpone sex (stay out of the bedroom!), and focus on cuddling and kissing without things heating up too much. Maybe go for a walk, that should be both safe and give us a great chance to talk.
Rereading my post I realize my whole situation must seem quite absurd, most people don't even consider sex on the first date as an option, and I worry about how to avoid it :) But meeting a lot of women before my two year relationship, that was just what I did, and it's become quite ingrained as an expectation.
I guess I don't really have a question, I just needed to vent some of my thoughts, and this forum seems like a very tolerant and safe place to do so. Any thoughts or suggestions are very welcome, though, I'm very much uncertain about how to go about this!
Apologies if I've placed the post inappropriately, and for any strange wording (english is not my first language) =)