Hey all i am Odysseus 26 years old. Not sure where to start but i will give it a go. (long story incoming)
Not sure if this is the right topic on the forum but i just wanted to tell my story for a change.
I always wondered if it was healthy to look at porn and masturbate, i have read some tao stuff before and they said it was better to not orgasm etc. I tried to quit looking at porn and masturbate for a while a year ago, but with no succes. It managed to quit for like 5 days before i got crazy and really wanted to do it again. A year later now i still hath this feeling something was not right and i stumbled on this site and this was really awesome for me! I even read the book cupid poisoned arrow and everything made sense to me and after reading some awesome blogs of people how they felt better etc i gave it a go and wanted to see it for myself. The reason was also that i was sick at the time, i hath the flu and i still managed to do it 5 times on that day i quit. I kinda felt disgusted, i did it so much when i was sick. Was also the most times i did it on a day ever. Normally it was 1 to 2 orgasms a day.
So i managed to quit for serveral weeks in 1 time (6 weeks and 5 days even) and i kinda even wondered on a point if i where even addicted? But i still did not manage to get a girlfriend ( what really pisses me of ). I never hath one also, ye when i was younger like 10 years old? Then something happend, i got my first kiss and that was really awesome but because i was still so young i said it was jukkie, i could not confess to myself even that i really liked it. Anyway i got home after that and there was a party going on and my father and grandpa was making jokes about me having a girlfriend etc. I was a really sensetive boy back then and what they said really hurted me and from that point on i always said no to oppertunities, even if girls asked me out. Some even tought i was gay on one point. Deep down inside i really really wanted to say yes but the fear of being mocked again really destroyed me.
And now that i am ready for it to get a girlfriend i dont know what to do, i am afraid of intimacy. I tried a dating site last week and i got a response of a girl. She was really quick with everything, i did not really trust it but i was like hey what the hell? The pictures did look good and she hath some humour on the telephone. After some text messages she asked me to come see her at a town close to me, she was working there so we could meet afterwards. Well she said it a little late but i managed to get there in time and when i came there she texted me to meet me at the train station, and i was already like huh? Why there? I tought we where going to drink something togheter and learn eachother a bit better but oke i walked to the perron where she was waiting. I was looking and looking for the girl but i could not seem to find her, after i walked half the perron i see someone standing and i was like nah that cannot be her. She is totaly different looking in the pictures! But apparently she was it... And it was not a good thing, i know you should not judge someone by the cover etc but she really did not look like something i hath in mind. I was rather disgusted because i was totaly not atracted to her and would not ever consider dating her if i met her in real life. She was a bit fat and her hair looked different on a very very bad way. After i said hey etc just to be polite there, i asked her why we meet here?
Well the answer was that she was going home and the train is coming in 10 minuts! I was like 10 minuts? WTF could you not have said that earlier? I drive all the way here for that? But she did not really listen to me and was already blabering what she hath done today and work etc. I did not listen at all anymore. I was FURIOUS. I felt cheated and robbed. The only good thing is that i now know i never have to see her again and that it only lasted 8 minuts or something. I think i could not have handled a whole evening with her anyway because of the pictures and real life difference and the total disrespect for me...
I managed to quit for 6 weeks and 5 day's. The last day i even made a account here but never posted anything, maybe i should have done something because now i already did the whole P/M/O thing 3 times already again. Today included. I am beginning to go down the spiral again. It feels so damn good to even escape my problems for a little while, not that it would help me but still.
I also played World of Warcraft for like 4 years some times pretty intensive and some times a month break, it gave me also a feeling nothing mattered and just enjoy myself for a while. But after that the problems never got away and nothing changed. They even got worse to be honest... I dont play that game anymore for more then 6 months now. So that is a big plus for me.
But the porn part still bothers me, i started doing it when i was 17 years old. I was really late with that. My first masturbate experience was about some really beautifull model. But later it got normal sex, and from that point only extreemer. The sad part is i am still a virgin. And no it is not my birthsign lol. I just want a girlfriend to share my love with, this feeling of loneliness is really tearing my apart. And yes it helps to be with other people and socialise but in the end of the day i really mis the real deal.
I am only afraid i go back to the whole P/M/O thing because i need a outlet for those feelings.
Thanks for listening to my rantings, it really seem to take a load of my heart already a bit.