Submitted by Odysseus on
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Hey all i am Odysseus 26 years old. Not sure where to start but i will give it a go. (long story incoming)
Not sure if this is the right topic on the forum but i just wanted to tell my story for a change.

I always wondered if it was healthy to look at porn and masturbate, i have read some tao stuff before and they said it was better to not orgasm etc. I tried to quit looking at porn and masturbate for a while a year ago, but with no succes. It managed to quit for like 5 days before i got crazy and really wanted to do it again. A year later now i still hath this feeling something was not right and i stumbled on this site and this was really awesome for me! I even read the book cupid poisoned arrow and everything made sense to me and after reading some awesome blogs of people how they felt better etc i gave it a go and wanted to see it for myself. The reason was also that i was sick at the time, i hath the flu and i still managed to do it 5 times on that day i quit. I kinda felt disgusted, i did it so much when i was sick. Was also the most times i did it on a day ever. Normally it was 1 to 2 orgasms a day.
So i managed to quit for serveral weeks in 1 time (6 weeks and 5 days even) and i kinda even wondered on a point if i where even addicted? But i still did not manage to get a girlfriend ( what really pisses me of ). I never hath one also, ye when i was younger like 10 years old? Then something happend, i got my first kiss and that was really awesome but because i was still so young i said it was jukkie, i could not confess to myself even that i really liked it. Anyway i got home after that and there was a party going on and my father and grandpa was making jokes about me having a girlfriend etc. I was a really sensetive boy back then and what they said really hurted me and from that point on i always said no to oppertunities, even if girls asked me out. Some even tought i was gay on one point. Deep down inside i really really wanted to say yes but the fear of being mocked again really destroyed me.
And now that i am ready for it to get a girlfriend i dont know what to do, i am afraid of intimacy. I tried a dating site last week and i got a response of a girl. She was really quick with everything, i did not really trust it but i was like hey what the hell? The pictures did look good and she hath some humour on the telephone. After some text messages she asked me to come see her at a town close to me, she was working there so we could meet afterwards. Well she said it a little late but i managed to get there in time and when i came there she texted me to meet me at the train station, and i was already like huh? Why there? I tought we where going to drink something togheter and learn eachother a bit better but oke i walked to the perron where she was waiting. I was looking and looking for the girl but i could not seem to find her, after i walked half the perron i see someone standing and i was like nah that cannot be her. She is totaly different looking in the pictures! But apparently she was it... And it was not a good thing, i know you should not judge someone by the cover etc but she really did not look like something i hath in mind. I was rather disgusted because i was totaly not atracted to her and would not ever consider dating her if i met her in real life. She was a bit fat and her hair looked different on a very very bad way. After i said hey etc just to be polite there, i asked her why we meet here?
Well the answer was that she was going home and the train is coming in 10 minuts! I was like 10 minuts? WTF could you not have said that earlier? I drive all the way here for that? But she did not really listen to me and was already blabering what she hath done today and work etc. I did not listen at all anymore. I was FURIOUS. I felt cheated and robbed. The only good thing is that i now know i never have to see her again and that it only lasted 8 minuts or something. I think i could not have handled a whole evening with her anyway because of the pictures and real life difference and the total disrespect for me...
I managed to quit for 6 weeks and 5 day's. The last day i even made a account here but never posted anything, maybe i should have done something because now i already did the whole P/M/O thing 3 times already again. Today included. I am beginning to go down the spiral again. It feels so damn good to even escape my problems for a little while, not that it would help me but still.
I also played World of Warcraft for like 4 years some times pretty intensive and some times a month break, it gave me also a feeling nothing mattered and just enjoy myself for a while. But after that the problems never got away and nothing changed. They even got worse to be honest... I dont play that game anymore for more then 6 months now. So that is a big plus for me.
But the porn part still bothers me, i started doing it when i was 17 years old. I was really late with that. My first masturbate experience was about some really beautifull model. But later it got normal sex, and from that point only extreemer. The sad part is i am still a virgin. And no it is not my birthsign lol. I just want a girlfriend to share my love with, this feeling of loneliness is really tearing my apart. And yes it helps to be with other people and socialise but in the end of the day i really mis the real deal.
I am only afraid i go back to the whole P/M/O thing because i need a outlet for those feelings.
Thanks for listening to my rantings, it really seem to take a load of my heart already a bit.

Thanks for telling us your story

Sorry the first date didn't work out, but they won't all be that bad. Smile How else could you meet women? Do you have any interests? Sometimes it's best to meet someone through a shared interest. Biking? Hiking? Meditation? Learning another language? Music?

Congratulations on your success...up until recently. Wink I think you should be quite proud of yourself. Some people find that if they masturbate occasionally, without porn, they can more easily achieve a balance. When you dip into porn, you're choosing a more extreme stimulus...which means the effects on your mood are more extreme, too.

I enabled you to blog, so feel free to start your own thread there, if you prefer. http://www.reuniting.info/resources/bloggers

Have you checked "Uncle Bob" for advice? http://www.reuniting.info/uncle_bobs_porn_recovery_tips He's not like your male relatives. He won't tease you for enjoying women. Wink

Thanks for listening.

I hath like 4 more dates the last couple of 3 years or so. That is like everything in my life so far. So if i really want to get more dates i can do it. I just know i can do it but i need to feel good about myself then. That is the only times i have succes with it. Except the internet dating i now remember. They don't know how you are feeling behind a add lol.
As for the internet dating i am not going to resume that, it seems like a to big hassle, i have send allot of messages to other woman also but nobody seems to respond, except for 1 but she is not online since monday it seems. maybe i hear later from her, i will continue that offcourse if possible.
The only reason i turn to p/m/o is because i feel depressed. It is really self medicating like you said. I can see that clearly now.
As for how i can meet more woman i need to make some better plan for that. The reason for depression for me is always that i dont have any hope for myself anymore (like i am going to fail anyway) or that there are really big obstacles in my life and i want to avoid it.

Lol Bob looks a little scary haha but his advice seems good :)

Thanks for me to enable me to blog, i will use it to get me through the first couple of day's.

To tell you the truth,

this is a depressing planet at the moment. Wink But you *can* actually enjoy your time here...or at least a lot of it. I'm glad you're giving more thought to meeting someone.

Yes, Uncle Bob is a bit strange looking, but he's friendlier than he looks.

*big hug*

addiction swap

[quote]As for how i can meet more woman i need to make some better plan for that. The reason for depression for me is always that i dont have any hope for myself anymore (like i am going to fail anyway) or that there are really big obstacles in my life and i want to avoid it.[/quote]

It sounds as if you're going through a dark time at the moment. And I know that it can be that much darker when you can't turn to your old drug to make you feel better. I'm noticing something in your words that I'd like to point out. It seems to me as if you're hoping that finding a woman to love you will make you feel better.

Well, true...it will make you feel better. So I encourage you to continuing to pursue that. However, I caution you to take care that you aren't swapping one addiction (PMO) in exchange for an addiction to validation, love, and sex from women. Obviously, it's inaccurate to compare the two choices as equals, so again, I encourage you to continue to grow and search for companionship and love. I just want to invite you to look within yourself and probe the painful wounds that brought you to PMO to begin with and work on filling those voids with self-love and self-care before looking to a sexual/romantic partner to fill them for you.

It can be tempting to think that one turns to PMO out of frustration with the sexual availability of the opposite sex. But the reality is that whatever made them "unvailable" to begin with is usually rooted inside the one who is frustrated. And if you deal with those wounds alongside your search for a mate, then any romantic encounters you have going forward will be that much more rewarding for you.

Best of luck to you - J

Yes, romantic partners are

Yes, romantic partners are not the cure, though they could be the platform. There are their own challenges involved, and as jman pointed out, the need for validation, love, and sex from a woman can be just as disorienting. Getting to the root of this is key because you will kill two birds with one stone. You'll get the companionship, but you'll also get yourself back, which is the most important thing.

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato

That is a good point.

I really have that idea that a good loving woman would fill the black hole in my heart at the moment. It really hurts at times. There is really not much love in my life to begin with. I am beginning to get better socially thanks to the abstinence and i do see improvements. Maybe i want it to get better now (instant gratification), but i forget that this whole situation is already going on for like 9 years and even longer the underlying problems.
Now i think back to it, the abstinence really jumpstarted me to move forward with my life. The really weird part is that when i started the abstinence i feel a whole month like energy is shooting out from me and everything is awesome (that has happend before the whole abstinance but i cannot remember i felt for that like a whole month atleast, normaly after 2 weeks the boost is gone), and now i am in the exact opposite position, what i usually felt like most of the time in my life. ( My mother said i was a really happy child and she does not understand why i am the way i am now)
So the plan now is i need to fix that black hole and make it a white hole a more permanent thing. it is really a state of mind, more loving more confident etc. The only times i feel like that is when i dont take life so serieus and go with the flow. People respond also different when i am like that. It is like there is another person before you. If i happen to meet some nice lady on the way i should go for it.

I can relate; I fell very

I can relate; I fell very needy, alone, and pessimistic after orgasm. The loneliness is tearing me apart. I want people in my life and intimacy. Mainly someone to share it with. I've never been in a relationship. I don't have a lot of contact with people-closeness and touch but I'm finally realizing I crave it and that I need to have this if I'm going to go without orgasm for long periods of time. I regret the time I've wasted and I want to do anything and everything I need to do to change my future. suggestions?

Not to judge you or

Not to judge you or anything.. but about that girl you dated. Why so angry, and furious about the whole thing? Maybe she was just very, very insecure and didn't know how to act so she wanted to be safe and have a time limit of ten minutes if you didn't liked her? She was probably very aware of her looks and difference between the pictures so I guess she was the unsecure one. To be so hard on her, thats just no right. In my opinion, its better to be a little soft and just take it for what it is.

Good luck in the future though, I think you will find someone soon :)

Odysseus wrote:A year later

[quote=Odysseus]A year later now i still hath this feeling something was not right and i stumbled on this site and this was really awesome for me! I even read the book cupid poisoned arrow and everything made sense to me and after reading some awesome blogs of people how they felt better etc i gave it a go and wanted to see it for myself. The reason was also that i was sick at the time, i hath the flu and i still managed to do it 5 times on that day i quit. I kinda felt disgusted, i did it so much when i was sick. Was also the most times i did it on a day ever. Normally it was 1 to 2 orgasms a day.
[/quote]

I also tended to masturbate as often or more often when I was sick. I was also disturbed by it. Is it safe to say if you're masturbating twice a day even with a nasty flu or cold that it's compulsive behavior?

Yes

I'm in the same boat. When I'm home with a sinus infection, I was using porn and masturbating 2-3x per day just for relief from the suffering. J

It's normal

to want to feel better. It's just unfortunate that too much stimulation can actually contribute to the lows.

The trick is to find healthier meds...as you're all doing. Smile