I discovered this website while looking into the benefits of abstinence of ejaculation. I guess I feel like my brain chemistry is a bit off, so I've been doing everything I can to get it back to "normal". I've suffered for a long time with social anxiety and depression. I think I've pulled out of the depression part.
You can skip to the bolded text below. The unbolded is a lot of my history that might bore you, although it is relevant.
My biggest struggle is getting closer with others, being more intimate. Since high school, I've had a strong burning desire to be intimate with a women. Never has it been all about sex, though that is great too. It's more so that mutual connection and comfort being in a relationship brings. Something I'm sure all of us here are searching for or already have.
I have a history of betrayal and abandonment. My parents divorced when I was 5 years old. I've never felt like I've had an immediate family. My parents love me and they try but It's just not the same. I was never able to establish a strong connection with my step parents. My parents were constantly fighting when I was younger, always putting my brother and I in the middle. Me and my brother were constantly fighting with our mom. Every time dad picked me up, something happened with mom. I don't know what it is but we just cannot get along and God knows I have tried. When she married my step father I knew it was hopeless. He manipulates her and purposely tries to make my life hell. That is definitely not home.
I also had a struggle with keeping and finding friends. I had a tendency of getting attached to one person. The relationship with my best friend growing up slowly faded after their parents grounded me from seeing him for a month because I put shaving cream on one of our other friends as a sleep over prank. I then found another group of friends I got really close to because we all shared a love for the same sport. My relationship with all 3 of them died after one of their parents forbid me from coming to their house and they all lived on the same block. Me and one of the 3 friends gained access to my friends online profile and defaced it to which we held hostage. Looking back it was pretty mean but I never had intentions of hurting anyone. I gave it back but his parents didn't like it. Again, I feel abandoned.
I am very thankful for my dad because we have always connected pretty well. Things were great with him until he found out about my marijuana smoking habit that I didn't want to stop which ended up in me being kicked out of the house at only 17 years old. I should have respected the rules of his house but yet again I felt abandoned. After that whole situation, my step mom no longer wants me back in the house and has actually built up a lot of anger towards me. To this day she holds a grudge despite all my visits to them and my attempts to repair the damage. My dad tells me she has a letter for me explaining her feelings. I declined the letter after my dad described it as being very passionate. She has emotional problems as well and is on antidepressants. I can only imagine what is written in that letter and I fear it will scar another place in my heart.
After being being kicked out of my fathers house, I stayed with my mom until my step dad pushed me off the edge. My mistake was thinking it could work in the first place. I literally found random people to live with and moved all my stuff all in a matter of hours. Since then I've been hopping from place to place with people who advertise for roommates online. None of these living conditions have been comfortable. I am now staying with some friends I've met and feel at least somewhat at peace.
Another friend I grew very close to through high school suddenly moved to another state. I then established a close connection with yet another friend who ended up moving 2 hours away to go to school. Both hurt and left me with similar feelings of abandonment.
Everything I do seems to end up in disaster and it's to the point where I can almost not expect anything less.
I know it's a lot but I feel my history is important so you can see from my perspective. I'm at a high point in my life right now. I have a great job and close relationship with my boss who wants to form a partnership with me. My boss went through similar struggles and he understands my position completely. He is a real genuine person who can give me unbiased opinions on my personality. He seems to know more about me than I do myself. He calls us family and treats me like family. Finally, something I feel like I belong to.
Socially, I am doing better than ever. I have a good amount of friends who show me respect. I feel I have successfully combated a large part of my social anxiety but not 100%. Meeting new people and establishing close connections is still a struggle, especially with women. I fear rejection and being abandoned again. I am getting a lot better at speaking to strangers and making small talk. I find it hard to make a direct move on a women. Even if she is showing obvious interest I still can't seem to pass the barrier. I have good looks and intelligence on my side and I still find it very difficult.
Twice this month I've been told I should have made a move by my lady friends. I was ordering something at a bar and my friend told me we were flirting (even though I didn't realize it) and that I should of asked for her number. Another time at the beach a girl's dog kept running up to me and my friend told me that she was "giving me the eye" and I should of talked to her. I really wanted to yet fear held me back. One of these lady friends said to me "I want to see you with a girlfriend" (she is taken by the way) and my response was "not for a long time". I said that as an excuse because I have such doubt/fear in my mind so I was pretending to not care about it.
Sorry for the novel. Writing this has actually helped a lot in itself. I would like to hear your thoughts, opinions, and advice. What can I do to reunite with myself and pass these feelings of fear? I am 19 years old, turning 20 in a few weeks.