my husband isn't interested

Submitted by Rosa on
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hello Marnia and anyone else who reads this,
I'm new here although not so new to Karezza. I read a book about it several years before meeting my husband. I threw the book away because we meet while practicing celebacy and had the intention to only have sex for conceiving. Well after two years of marriage and my husband begining to loosing sperm while dreaming we decided it was time to conceive a child or at least start having sex. I got pregnant my first ovulation and so that put a damper on sex. I didn't really start to become confortable with sex until I began ovulating after 11months of breast feeding. Then I conceived my second child. We didn't have sex for at least 6months after he was born and well I had a couple of periods where I felt interested in sex but really the only time I'm even slightly interested is when I'm ovulating. I'm have felt strange having sex without the desire for more children and now rereading about karezza feel that it's possible to respect that feeling. The only problem is that my husband doesn't want to read anything about karezza and is addicted to having an orgasm. He has recently given up watching porn from the internet. We have real problems with our sexual relationship. As soon as I feel his desire for orgasm I close down. I feel like a machine that he turns on just to have his orgasm. This is a little unfair as he does show affection at other times but I even have trouble accepting that because it doesn't feel like giving it just feels like taking to me. I have suffered many times as a result of trying to satisfy his needs. Now reading about karezza again I feel a hope that we can somehow find a balance in our sex relationship. yet he doesn't want to have anything to do with it and I have trouble opening up like a sex machine. Even if I'm feeling loving energy I shut down as son as he wants to have sex. I'm sure there is magnetic energy between us but I am thinking that maybe my energy is too masculine and therefore I can't receive his masculine. I'd like some ideas if anyone has any. I really feel that my marriage is at a turning point. We either make this work or we have to end it. I'm not ready to end it and really am needing help as our sex relationship is not working for either of us. We jsut had a big fight two days before my period!!! because I couldn't open up for him to penetrate me. I was feeling loving before hand and then when he wanted to enter me or asked me to have sex I shut down. I noticed that the last time he entered I was biting my teeth and feeling angry....Is it that we are just not matched or is there a way to work through this? I'm feeling a lot of emotion coming up in my solar plexus now....I hope someone has something enlightening to say and also practical....thanks for reading this..if you need more info to help I'm glad to answer things.
waiting for your reply

I don't know if I have much

I don't know if I have much enlightenment or practicality to bring but I do recognise your feelings as I also see them in my partner. My response to it is not to push her and just give her time to find the security in herself that she seems to have lost. I also think that my recent rejection of my porn and masturbation can help her alot. My watching porn has hurt her alot as she is very insecure about the physical appearance of her body, and me sitting around watching more or less perfect bodied women with my schlong in my hand probably hasn't helped with that. In her case I think these feelings has grown from a feeling of "sexual inferiority" in that she has felt unable to satisfy me, no matter how hard she tried I kept coming back for more. This fast turns into a downward spiral as her declining sexual interest only made me wach more porn making her feel even worse and loose more interest and... You catch my drift!

Ironically we find ourselves in an opposite position to you now as I am the one in our relationship open to this non-orgasmic way of lovesharing through intercourse, while she has no interest in it. From your words I get a feeling that he doesn't have very much understanding for the pain this causes you? Coming to terms with ones own sexuality can be difficult enough without the pressure of staisfying someone elses unbalanced sexuality..

I hope you can manage to come together and work this out.. Sexuality is such a beautifull thing when it is right but can be o so painfull when it's not...

Better and better every time! Wink

I'm glad that you are here.

I'm glad that you are here. You are both feeling the potency of the intimacy sabotaging aftereffect of orgasm. It leads to seperation. You are in a difficult and painful place. I can't write a lot right now. I'll hold you both in my thoughts,and send you love and resolution vibes. Would your husband be willing to explore what others have written here? He might accept that it could be good to look into a site where people are speaking openly about their sexuality from a wide variety of backgrounds,and age groups. He is obviously polarised against the notion of avoiding orgasm. Still, some of us are wanting to be actively fully expressive sexually while remaining in a stable loving relationship. If he does not want a stable loving relationship. And would rather explore a parade of sexual encounters. You would want to address how to parent your children together,while seperated. That's a really big one. and you are facing it . I've been there too. Mediation could help. I can't see how you can go on having sex if you feel that you are being used as a fix. However that perception is probably partly informed by the seperation response and could possibly be gently moved away from if he would be willing to try to salvage your relationship. If he is not . You will be forced to move away from him for the sake of your and your health and sanity. If you have to move away ,you will heal. And what you learn here will deffinately help. Stay in touch here. You will get some support here.

Replying to old posts

Marnia is doing some remodeling work on the website (do you get a vision of Marnia in coveralls with a crowbar in her hand?) that is causing old posts to show up in the Recent posts list. The post from Rosa to which we are replying is dated 2006-08-20. Chances are, she is not getting notified of replies to her forum post, so she might not know about the reply unless someone tells her.

So, I'm just suggesting, if you reply to an old post, also send a private message to the person to let them know that there is a reply on the forum, and include the URL, for example, in this case, it is