I was never big on porn-based fantasy. Even as a child before porn was in the picture I would either focus on just feeling or sometimes create a situation in which I could more realistically feel. I was never into magazines because they detracted from the experience. I never understood why I liked internet porn when I didn't like magazines. Maybe I got older and needed more coping meds. From time to time now, I get into a karezza-based fantasy. This is a semi conscious thing either before sleeping or upon waking. I think more upon waking. It is sort of like emotional masturbation in the sense that the focus isn't much on doing and more on foretelling feeling. There is no genital stimulation. I might do something to hold my own body in some way. I've noticed that I tend to toss a bit during it. The setup is quick and the duration of the time is spent on feeling. The whole process could easily be a half hour or more. It is interesting that the female isn't necessarily in human form. She is formless...perhaps a spirit or energy field. Although I could have a particular female in mind, I think part of me wants her identity to be unknown. Perhaps she is to be revealed in real life. Or maybe the formless female is just part of the karezza experience. I don't know if this comes out of lucid dreaming, interactions in my daily life, quasi wet dreaming, reading this site, or something else. I'm not completely in control of initiating it. It leaves me feeling different all day. I'm pleasantly aroused. At the same time I feel a bit weird about it because this is all bogus. I have no idea what is luring me into this make believe world. It leaves me a bit stressed because there is no outlet for the pent up energy. As much as I try channeling it doesn't seem to do much. I do like the felling of lifting the energy over my head. The flipping it over the top of my head feels like brain gymnastics. But it doesn't move the energy around much. I'm not sure the energy is genital based. It feels more heart or core situated. I can send it flying to my pinky.
On the other hand, this is a powerful exploration into feeling which is good for me. I think that some of my not feeling is due to the overwhelming intensity of feeling. The self repression is defensive because I would have no idea how to handle the immensity of feeling if I let it through a crack in the damn. Sometimes I can tell there is a lot of pressure on the proverbial damn...enough to feel, but also enough to tell me not to open the main floodgates. If it builds enough I can let some out the overflow spillway. Until it builds enough, I'm sort of numb. I haven't a clue how I got to that point. It feel like progress to at least be able to explain it that way. There is definitely a common thread of damns, walls, etc. that have me boxed in, repressed, and weighed down.