2 Years (almost)

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Submitted by Aphrodites Chela on
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A month shy of 2 years on this path
I started out on fire and evangelistic. I took on Dr. Berman and wanted Marnia on Oprah (got kicked off both of their sites). I was already phasing out of porn. I embraced the idea of not seeking orgasm. Orgasm is no longer relevant.
I still chip at porn by looking at pictures of our courtesans. Every few weeks I binge for a day or 2 (10 minutes or so/session 3-5 sessions/day); Googling images of them until I disgust myself. The search always brings up naked people and fucking at some point. Last week I experienced a first. I saw an image of the thighs and belly of a woman with close cropped hair. My first thought and feeling was gratitude for those life-giving parts and for the refuge I have found there. I haven't done any Googling of that sort since. Also I haven't been so angry and sensitive (read irritable) this past week....hmmmm.
I'm about 2 months without an orgasm and we've shared several sessions of PIV. Getting closer to karezza all the time....loving my successes and learning from my failures. I'm edging on karezza; find that peace, lose it, find it again.
I am much less paranoid about what my Isadora is thinking when we are together and am able to focus more on what I am feeling and doing.
2 months now I've been doing what hotspring suggested 20 months ago, "Leave her alone" (Marnia, don't go looking for that node). I'm not bargaining, begging, or trying.
Also for 2 months I've been avoiding the thrill. The touch of her breast, stroke along her thigh, belly touching belly; I actively change my focus to love and away from the lightning shock of the thrill.
My mediation practice is more consistant (3-4X/week for 30-60 minutes)
I'm exercising/yoga-ing 4-6X/week
I'm in the process of cutting back on my work load (I work for a non-profit, my services are given without charge, so I've got plenty of work) so I can focus more on other parts of my life.
Much love

Comments

Solstice

I'm doing well
My Izzy was angry and withdrew from me last Tuesday (a week ago) because I went to Dances of Universal Peace. She sees it as part of my illness. She says it's my need to have my ego stroked by women. It's much more complicated than that for me, but I do like the part about being held in affectionate regard by another. 2 days of flat out not talking to me, edgy and irritable for a few more and some really bad conversations about it (none of them initiated by me).
Why am I telling you this, Amari?
It hasn't touched me. I haven't been frightened as in the past (if I can give up the O; I can do anything!). It is clearly her problem. I've offered to help. I've maintained my composure and been responsive without feeling guilty or trying to fix it. I haven't felt particularly loving but have expressed my love when the feeling was genuine. I'm looking forward to doing more simple bonding behaviors WITHOUT EXPECTATION of outcome; simply expressions of who I am. I can do that.
I couldn't have done this if I was using PMO. Ya know, my next to favorite thing for so long was to have a hard dick. I don't go there any more. It'll get hard when it needs to be, and I don't have to make it happen just for the thrill.
The point is: the healing from last week's wound started Sunday morning when I went to her bed. As with the attitude I've been cultivating, I entered with openess and without expectation. I can take whatever comes. Detective Sonchai (Bangkok Haunts) has helped me to value my serenity. We lay together for about 15 minutes. I maintained my composure and the few times paranonia arose, I was able to let it go.
Blessings on our healing
Thank you all

OMG!

Ya think I would know by now
I'm moving in spirals. I keep coming back to not quite the same place
In the shower with Izzy, I do not resist soaping her bottom. She takes my breath away.
I say to her, "Ya know, these days I'm all about serenity and keeping my composure, but when I see you naked, it's all gone."
That's the next piece. I feel like I'm getting a handle on the codependency. I can lay with her. I can argue with her, but when I see her naked; I'm lost.
seeking chasity

*grin*

Is she open to trying the Richardson's soft entry approach? I don't think chastity works well as an ideal. But finding a nice cosy, intimate middle ground might help heal that dynamic of monkey-see-monkey-grab. And it might help level out her moods.

Good for you going dancing!

lol

Monkey see monkey grab......that describes it pretty well.

"I asked my doctor about Karezza and now I have an enormous penis!"

Soft Entry!!!????

I am sooooo far away from that.....can't imagine getting to that place of her wanting me inside, or me wanting it, and not being hard. If I do imagine anything even close; there is a tremendous stirring in my loins.
Last night, after the ass grab, I went to her bed....."I can do this. I'm not even going to ask." Followed by the THRILL of her breast against mine......so much for composure....out the window. Gratitude, peace, love...gone.
I left that place hurt, disappointed, and angry.
BUT, here is the new piece, I found peace within 5 minutes....5 minutes! NOT 3 days of self torture, anger, and angst. For me, right now, sex wrecks my serenity. I'm gaining ground on stopping the self imposed on mind fucking my self; but the slightest tendency towards sex totally throws me off. I'm getting a grip on the co-dependency, so graciousness and generosity aren't so dangerous. Love and compassion are safe.
I just gotta be chaste for a while (notice the key concept of "for a while"). Lawd knows I've done the sex thing for a long enough time. I can try something else. If I can give up masturbation, porn and orgasm, hell, I can do anything.

"How can you say you love me when you stay out late dancing with other women, knowing how it will hurt me?"

Da Boss?

Am I that arrogant? Do I sound like I've got it all fgured out? I'm just pluggin' away as best I can.
I believe in the loving way. I am working my way back to it. But things can't be the way they were. I need to stand from my center, not orbit around hers. I believe in BB's and I've got to watch how they fit with my co-dependency. Right now I need to stop seeing her as my lover. She is my partner. Izzy is my companion.
I'm feeling kind of like a co-worker who is interested in pursuing something more.