Meth/Pot PMO and Social Anxiety

Submitted by Confinement84 on
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Hello everyone! I'm new here to these forums but I am not new to PMO Addiction. I decided it was best to discuss my issues then keep it all bottled up inside me. I am a 26 year old guy that has suffered from a severe PMO addiction for 16 years. And to top it off... I've been addicted to Meth for 3 years ( from ages 17-20), online videogames (15-26) and Marijuana and Cigs for the last 10 years (16~present day).

It all started in first grade when I started having feelings for girls. It is a bit of a haze but I specifically remember "experimenting" with a girl in my class. She touched me and I touched her, daily. How the teacher did not see this I will never know. But I believe this is where my PMO all began and slowly escalated. By 17 I was hooked on meth AND PMO togather. AWFUL! Absolutely horrific. I'm talking about 24 hours+ of straight Porn Binge. Even hitting up every adult shop in the city to feed my obsession. By the time I quit meth I was PMO 1~5x a day... and in the last year or 2 I became obsessed with getting massages for the ending. In fact, 2 weeks ago I paid for 2 massages and 2 "escorts" (from asian woman who speaked very little english) within 3 days. That was 560 dollars spend in 3 days on my obsession, Crazy I know. The 2nd escort I had extreme Performance anxiety with a weak erection. Now this lady was beautiful yet I couldnt get erect. I started thinking of my favorite P videos just to get rid of my Anxiety. Needless to say I prematurely ejaculated within 30 seconds of penetration. I walked out feeling shamed, stupid, anxious, and even broke ( literally no money). I believe I even went straight home to do more PMO just to reassure myself I'm ok, which actually made me feel worse and wanting more. This is when I realized i have a serious mental problem.

Then I came across a bunch of great articles from Marnia that really gave some in depth knowledge on PMO habit. Since reading those articles I decided to QUIT COLD TURKEY. I have now been sober from all PMO for 11 days. I decided to quit for many reasons. It costs too much money, my social anxiety seems to be getting worse, I'm constantly tired and depressed, Porn-related ED, and believe all those relate to my last and biggest problem... no girlfriend. And it really upsets me that I haven't had a GF EVER(except 1 short,meaningless relationship in High school)! I mean... I'm in above average shape, handsome, I have a good job (same company 7 years), and growing up (primarily in High school) I had girls all over me and I just shyed away from them all as if I wasn't interested. I had several girls ask me to the dances and I made up lies to not go. Could this shyness/Social Anxiety be from YEARS and YEARS of masturbation? It is all starting to make sense to me. I know the marijuana hasn't helped either which is why I've cut back to 1 hit a day (just so I can sleep). I have SO MUCH trouble trying to fall asleep if I dont smoke or PMO I will literally stare at the ceiling for 7 hours until my alarm goes off for work.

Steps I plan to take or already have taken:
-Definitely NO PM ever again.
-No "massages" for at least 1 month.
-Cutting back slowly on Marijuana until Jan 1st 2011 when I will 100% stop.
-Quit Cigs soon (already bought the gum)
-Treadmill/Weights everyday ( been going to the gym daily since i quit PMO and already lost 2 pounds)
-Been taking several vitamins including 5-htp,fishoil,mens1 a day, etc.
-Eating only healthy foods ( no more fastfood, no more snacks)
-trying to hang out with friends more (though most are on drugs so I basically have no good influence to hang out with now which makes me feel even more alone)

After 10 days I don't feel that much different as far as my Anxiety goes around woman. Around Co-Workers I do feel a little bit more talkative and less angry with people in general. And I definitly have more energy as I said before I run every day and can't sleep. When I see any woman walking by I'm still thinking SEX SEX SEX MASSAGE PORN PORN!!! which really disturbs me. My anxiety seems to vary from day to day since quitting PMO. I'm hoping eventually my mind will balance out and I can start to feel normal again. I do have several questions to ask you guys and gals though at this point I just felt it was important for me to share my feelings for I have NEVER EVER told anybody about my PMO addiction. Sorry for the endless rambling and Thank you SO MUCH for taking the time to read my life story!

PS. I've read on a quit smoking forum that it helps to wear a rubber band around your wrist and every time you get the urge to smoke you snap the rubber band to deal some pain. Eventually the mind will subconsciously link pain with smoking. I am going to try this with my PMO habit too as soon as I buy a rubberband. lol

Welcome

Congratulations on your progress. Your plan has all the right pieces. However, be cautious when attempting to simultaneously let go of multiple addictions. Studies show that giving up one addiction at a time usually works best.
Making small changes in other areas of your life may be wise if you completely eliminate porn from the picture..
Monitor yourself. If you start to white-knuckle it on porn, you may want to ease up somewhere else. In other words, cut yourself some slack if you need to.
Good luck, gary

Wow!

Those are some exciting changes, and you're already off to a good start. I'm impressed that you held down your job through that storm. Obviously, you're stronger than you give yourself credit for.

I'm glad you're finding the material here helpful. Gary's the one who dug up the science. His background as a former addict and science teacher are turning out to be a real gift.

It's strange how getting "too early" a start in sexual matters can often throw people into the escalation cycle. You're not the first person to report that. Seems like it should be harmless, but maybe the brain just isn't ready for so much stimulation so early. Whatever. Be gentle with yourself. And be patient. Rebooting is a good first step, but it'll take quite a while to see the full benefits of rewiring. Did you visit our sister-site? We're moving and reorganizing all the insights about porn everyone here has figured out: http://yourbrainonporn.com/

The ED issue can take its own sweet time to heal, so don't get discouraged. Just let nature take its course and do everything you can to support your brain in swinging back to balance. You're gonna love it! Wink

Let us know how you get on. Blog if you like: http://www.reuniting.info/resources/bloggers

Thanks for

Thanks for your support and helpful advice Gary and Marnia. I'm really impressed with how fast you guys responded. I will definitely check out yourbrainonporn.com and Gary I will definitely keep in mind what you said about not quitting too many addictions together. You guys are awesome! - Takecare

Addictive personality. Can Early M be a cause?

It's a good point about one addiction leading to another. I started rubbing my "manhood" somewhere after 10 y.o. as well. Then I also fell for addiction to PC games. I played only one game during this time - Starcraft. Well..I was pretty good at it too. I remember one time I was between jobs and I played everyday for 20 hours a day (or as much as I could stay up) for 4,5 months: little food, little socialising with real ppl, cleaning downfeeling with beer and more game. This was quite crazy experience. It's hard to imagine unless you get through it. No brainer - totally subdued to instincts - a zomby life. And I remember very clear what high felt like. When I reach high after coffee+ 20h game or beer+ 20h game I felt like I could click mouse 50+ times in a second. I felt how time slowed down. I thought I could touch time, run ahead of it. It's weird but if I think about those 4.5 months I still feel like those times when I felt high were good, even tho that's so no true.

Then, I became addicted to French. I am not joking. I needed a change in my life so I started to learn French and OMG. Of course at first you don't like it, but you push it, push it, push it.....and then at some point I realised that after about 4 hours (later I needed 5+) of intensive grammar studies (by that I mean doing grammar excercises without breaks, focusing your entire mind on the excercises), so after 4 hours when you can't concentrate anymore, you go outside and...you feel high. I remember very well what high felt like. It felt like your brain was overheated and did not respond to any thinking. Again, I felt like zombie. I could not think. Again I felt that time was of no importance to me. No problems, no plans, no ideas, just clean mind. It felt good. I end up getting fluent in this language. I tried other languages but I can't find the same high anymore, so I dropped them.

Now I play poker with friends on weekly basis. It is a fun game. I know that when I miss a week of poker I get unhappy, so gotta be careful with it. I know I can easily be attached to ppl (addicted?). I never felt hunger for drugs, alcohol or junk/sugary food, even tho I quite often do all of these things.

The point is...Can early Masturbation lead to development of addictive personality? Any thoughts?

I am no Doctor so I couldn't

I am no Doctor so I couldn't honestly say but from my personal experience and friends I know who looked at porn at a young age , who tend to have the same addictive personality that I do.... I'm going to go out on a limb here and say yes.

On a side note... Today is day #17 of NO PMO at all for me and here is some noticeable changes.
-My acne has seemed to have gone away... I've been suffering mild acne since I went through puberty to present day(26 now) and my skin seems very clear. I have read that sexual exhaustion can cause acne and it seems it may have been my problem for a loooooonnnng time.

-Also I have noticed the hair on my face is growing faster? LOL... Sounds weird I know but seriously my "beard" looks really long and thick as if I havent shaved in 2 days... Normally I could go 2 days without shaving without looking like a Bum. It's been less then 15 hours and I have to shave again.

-It appears my sex drive is slowly starting to come back physically. Since quitting PMO I literally had no arousal for the 1st 2 weeks. In the last 2 days I have noticed I'm starting to get random erections just from thinking about woman (real woman not Pornstars). I'm hoping soon I'll get back my morning wood.

-This is going to sound really stupid... but I swear my eyes have slightly changed shape or something? They seem more "awake" , with more "life". Has anyone else noticed that?

-As I said in my previous comment I was going to cut back from pot to 1 hit a day to sleep until January 1st 2011 where I planned on 100% quitting. However my mind has seemed more clear in recent days. I decided to quit early! I have been sober from pot for 3 days now(havent gone a day w/o pot in TEN years).... Now it has been EXTREMELY difficult to sleep now with no PMO or Pot. I suffer the next morning for work with the lack of sleep but you know what... I DESERVE this for abusing my body for years and years. Enough is enough! Now I just need to quit smoking cigs..... too be continued.

Very exciting to hear

about your changes. Yes, people have noticed more hair and clearer eyes and complexions...and of course attraction to real women. Still, it's always thrilling to hear about improvements, including those erections. Wink

@noob - it's clear that some brains are born with low dopamine receptors in either of two areas, and that the result is tendencies toward impulsivity or novelty seeking. But I doubt there's one of us who can't do a lot to improve brain balance. If you like that "empty mind" feeling, why not take up compulsive meditation for a bit? Wink And see what you see. http://yourbrainonporn.com/tools-meditation

And be glad you can get psyched about French verbs. Smile

Noobzealot: Maybe the

Noobzealot: Maybe the addictive personality was there first and lead to the early masturbation? (Does it matter too much what the original condition was?)

Confinement: Keep up the good work :)

This is an amazing thread.

Noob - I've totally been there with video games and beer. I play Black Ops fairly frequently now and drink beer sometimes with it. There are some pretty strong limits on how much I do it but I can see how it could take over if I let it.

Confinement- You have a powerful story and I have to wonder are you thinking of finding any groups to check out with other people who are recovering? I know this is extremely hard as it's taken me a long time to even consider doing it but I was just curious.

Thanks for sharing your story.

"I asked my doctor about Karezza and now I have an enormous penis!"