I am a 26-year old Asian male. This is a very long and deeply personal story. Every word is true.
I have been looking at porn since I was about 12 or 13, when my parents first got dial-up internet. I also began masturbating to orgasm at around that time. My method of masturbation was the "prone" style masturbation of laying face down and rubbing (with intense friction) my penis into bundled up blankets or pillows. I eventually learned maybe 4 or 5 years ago that this was not good as it acclimates the penis and arousal circuitry to a sensation that sex (oral or vaginal) cannot possibly reproduce (see www.healthystrokes.com). Since my internet access at home was fairly slow, I initially used short video clips or still images and written erotica that I would print and put on my bed to read/look at while thrusting into pillows.
When I went to college, with the availability of high-speed internet and privacy of a dorm room, I became a full-fledged porn addict. I knew when my roommate would have classes and watched clips and movies and masturbated for hours at a time. By this time, I had somewhat figured out how to use my hand to masturbate the "normal" way while in a chair. I eventually moved into a single dorm room and would binge for hours/days at a time. I even got involved in Second Life, the virtual world game, and masturbated to animated avatars of others while doing cybersex. During this entire time, through high school and college, I never had a girlfriend/hookup or anything. I didn't even kiss a girl until I was 21 and a senior in college. I don't consider myself a bad-looking guy now, just very shy and scared to talk to girls.
In the last couple months of my senior year at college, I met a girl through a friend of mine and we started dating. Luckily, she was moving to the same area I was after school for a job so it seemed perfect. We liked each other. It was awkward as we were both relatively inexperienced (she had one boyfriend of 3.5 years before me). The first couple of times we tried to be intimate, I couldn't get aroused... at all. We chalked it up to nerves. Ironic, I thought based on the media that the first time would only last only seconds because I would prematurely ejaculate but I didn't respond to anything, no matter what she and I tried.
Eventually on another night, I was able to get aroused, a large part from masturbating myself furiously and with a lot of pressure and began intercourse. My first thoughts were: "Whoa, this feels nothing like when I hump the blanket/pillows" and almost immediately lost the erection. This process/experience repeated itself for effectively the next FOUR (not a typo) years. I think in the four years we dated we successfully had normal intercourse maybe five times. Usually it required me masturbating to get aroused and inserting/pumping for as long as I could before I got soft. Occasionally it was long enough to bring her to orgasm and I think only five times to bring me to orgasm. Oral sex did nothing for me and everything required me to masturbate until I was almost to the point of ejactulation.
Of course, during this entire time I was still using porn and masturbating on my own. My ex was attractive and even my friends/family/coworkers would say: "I can't believe you got such a pretty gf". I certainly thought so too, but I couldn't get aroused when with her or rarely would when we were kissing/etc.. What is wrong with me? Some guys get horny at a pretty girl walking by and I can't even when my gf is with me naked telling me they want me. I think she stuck around with me for so long because she comes from a conservative Asian background and liked that I treated her well but certainly wasn't happy with our sex life (or lack thereof).
She broke up with me and I found out later that she was dating some new guy almost immediately which raises some suspicion of what was happening there. Also, this guy has a reputation for getting girls to cheat on their bfs with him and then dumping the girls later. He broke up with her about four months after we broke up and she called me crying that she was really upset. Like the wussified guy, I comforted her even though she made it crystal clear she didn't want to be back with me.
I visited some escorts off the internet and were completely unable to perform with them either. Absolutely nothing. I started dating a little bit but every coffee date I was terrified that eventually we would become physical and I wouldn't be able to perform and they would hurt me again. They haven't gone anywhere I think because my lack of confidence showed through.
I started seeing a sex therapist who has a surrogate program. My therapist told me to definitely stop the bed humping and learn to masturbate to the physical sensation of your hand (every other day) and psychologically stop anticipating/worrying about what'll happen. The exercises/appointments are good but it's costing me an arm and a leg and I'm 70% through the appointments and haven't felt much progress (no erections or sex with the surrogate).
I came across Marnia's articles in late October and decided to definitely stop the p/m/o except if anything happens during the surrogate appointments. I have slipped up on two occasions. In November, I received a 3 pill sample pack of Cialis and was compelled to try half a pill to see if it worked. It sort of did and I masturbated twice. Also, yesterday I masturbated without porn, just to physical sensation and minor, almost involuntary mental fantasy. So, I guess I am back on day 1. My erections aren't strong, sort of spongy and 70% hard and require CONSTANT stimulation. I occasionally get morning wood.
This is already super long so I'll end it here. I am deeply depressed because of what happened to and during my one and only relationship, how it ended up and my fear is that if I do meet someone, they'll dump me or break my heart because of my inability to perform in bed. I hope I can recover like UncleBob and become "normal" so that I can have a fulfilling relationship with a girl/woman at some point in the future. Thank you so much to anyone who is still reading this. I just needed to get my feelings and story out and look forward to any advice you have to give. Also, I can answer any questions you might have as well.