In this forum and in CPA it mentioned that pair bonders are socially but NOT SEXUALLY monogamous. For example:
In short, we're part of a small club of primate species that are wired for the ability to fall in love and settle in with one significant other, whether or not we choose to avail ourselves of this option. This doesn't mean we're programmed to be "sexually monogamous." No species is. But we are "socially monogamous," that is, able to pair up. The fact that we sometimes experience lust in the absence of attachment doesn't make us bonobos, or mean we'd be happier with a more casual approach to mating.[/quote]
Recently, with my new gf, I've had some weird paranoid thoughts that she is going to cheat on me. I've never had this before but my present gf is more confident and seductive than past ones. My worries are about one specific guy who I know is interested in her and was interested in her before we got together. He has recently become socially dominating and he now talks to her as if he doesn't care about me or as if I'm not even there (when I'm right beside her). The thing is, she is very feminine & receptive to masculine strength, and I know that part of her responds to his kind of dominating behaviour. I'm pretty sure she wouldn't actually leave me for him but I worry about where she would go if he pushed her.
Even though I would be very angry at anyone cheating on me, I know in the right context I could so easily cheat myself. This bugs me. I feel like a hypocrite expecting full commitment from someone yet knowing I could so easily cheat without a second thought.
However, a voice in my head then says "ah, but we're not naturally sexually monogamous so cheating is natural - get used it...".
Marnia, how do you view this conundrum? Should we humans expect our partners to sometimes play around on the side of a committed pair-bond? My feelings tell me that to play around would be wrong, but sometimes feelings are deceptive. If we are only socially monogamous why do we feel rage, hurt and anger when someone cheats - is it simply due to the socially programmed expectations we have for our relationships?
I can remember reading research on this site that pair-bonded mammals went through a stress response when their partner was removed from them. Have there been any studies done to see if pair-bonded mammals other than humans have a stress response when they see their partner copulating with another animal?
Regardless, I think the best way to deal with my problem is to become emotionally clear and unreactive about the problem. I'm clearing through all the issues with EFT and Z-Point therapy until I feel no intimidation from the dominating guy, or fear and anger at the thought of my gf cheating with him. Still, once I'm emotionally clear on the issue, the question still remains:
Should we [pair-bonding humans] expect our partners to be sexually monogamous or should we just get used to the idea that they are probably going to play around and that it is natural to do so?