first of all i'm sorry for my english, but I'll do the best I can to make you understand me.
Well I don't know where to start... i'll try to be as short as i can...
My "sex" life beginned when I was only a 5 years old child.. the neighbour's daughter was 7 yo and liked to touch my genitals every time I went to my neighbour's house. I remember it was an intense experience and also painful because i had phimosis (the skin of my penis was adherent to my glans..), my mother still remember when i came from there i had my face red as a pepper.
This is in my opinion when my dopaminergic system got dysregulated... so early :(
after this i remember that in my childhood whenever was possible i was engaging sexual games with friends and cousins (both male and female) and at some point i met pornography... maybe i was 10-11 y.o. meanwhile a friend of mine proposed me to have sex and i accepted.
Porn was mainly magazines and i remember i was very aroused by female body. That quickly escalated when one day I found an advertising of erotic-line phone numbers in the bottom of my father's newspaper and i started calling and masturbating. I remember I can't stop doing that, even when my mother was at home... this stopped when my parents got the first telephone paynote...
Now in my memories i was 13-14 years old but i can't put everything chronologically in the right place... but i can say I masturbated daily on straight porn, had homosexual sex with another friend, frequented gay chats and so on.
The Gay part wasn't scary for me because of my attraction for girls and never felt any attraction to the male's body or ever felt any romantic feeling for men. Infact when I was 15 years old i had my first kiss with a girl and i was totally aroused and felt like "in love" for the first time, even if this ended very soon because she wasn't interested in me.
At this point my libido started to be addressed exclusively towards girls... straight fantasies started to popup, no more contacts with my friend and gay fantasies faded away... (well i don't know if they were true fantasies because it was only masturbating while remembering having sex with my friend).
I become more interested in girls and started wishing a relationship with one, wishing to love and to be loved. Unfortunately this didn't happened because of my low self esteem and my social anxiety... i thought that no girl could be interested in me and i continued to masturbate with porn and straight fantasies almost daily.
When I got 20 i finally met my girlfriend... it was the most intense period of my life, falled in love and discovered the real sex, i remember i felt like i won 1 billion dollars.. i can't explain how i felt, really.
To be short after 7 months of this paradise i remember i was in porn again... but this time i accidentally downloaded a shemale video and it aroused me... i thought "who cares? i'm in love with a beautiful girl and i'm constantly aroused by her" (infact i could get turned on only by kissing or embracing her or thinking about her). So this video becomed the only porn i masturbated on.
Soon I remember a sudden drop in my love feelings and my attraction and arousal towards her... I freaked out and I was depressed, and seeking in internet the "loss of libido causes" i found a page that mentioned "LATENT HOMOSEXUALITY" this freaked me out as hell because i remembered my gay things in teenage and when i tried to remember a sex scene with my teenage friend i was totally blown by anxiety and fear but.. BANG! got aroused. From then i lost my attraction to women, my attraction to my girlfriend (who is still with me... we live together now) and developed a sort of attraction to men (maybe fear driven) and to shemale porn ,gay fantasies and gay chats again... Initially i was totally afraid but soon i couldn't resist to masturbate and orgasm to those things and this maybe reinforced it. I also developed anhedonia (joynesless)
Now i'm 28 and finally realized i have a problem with overstimulation and escalation (i hope it is), i am diagnosed with hocd and today is my day 15 without PMO.
It's like my libido isn't here... i know what could be a fix to releave my anxiety for few minutes but i'm not going to do it.
Now what i ask you, my friends is:
If I allow myself to abstain for the necessary time to recalibrate my dopamine levels, receptors and so on, could i feel normal again? could i be attracted and aroused by women again? could i feel love feelings toward my girlfriend again?
I'm very scared by the thought that when i get in balance i find myself gay... i don't want it!
But the only way to discover it is wait and see..
What do you think?