After six months, it seems we have reached the harmony we have been seeking in our practice of karezza. Actually, I believe almost all the behavioral and attitude changes have been on my part as much of what I have learned, my wife knew all along. Here is a list of what I have learned this past month. Reading it over, I feel so dim-witted that it took me this long to get on board:
• Get out of your of mind, into your body
• Don’t try to fix her
The first three are directly from Diana Richardson’s book “The Heart of Tantric Sex.” I began to communicate. I have always felt like she should be able to figure out what I wanted her to do. I wanted her to do it because she wanted to, not because she was following directions. I dropped that attitude and started to tell her what I wanted. Well it feels good. I also began telling her what I am feeling, as I am feeling it. She has been very responsive to both changes and our love life is much better.
I believe I have also begun to learn how to fully relax and release control over the sexual act, to welcome whatever comes next. No goals. It takes all the tension out of our loving. My mantra is: relax into the moment without intent.
When I shut down my mind and become aware of my body, I become more conscious of what is going on with my penis and anywhere our bodies are touching. It is really important for me to forego fantasies which take me away from the here and now. The fantasy may temporarily result in a better erection, but it is only lasts as long as I don’t get bored with the fantasy.
We both (mostly me) learned the importance of unconditional giving in our lovemaking. Earlier, I often felt like I was giving much more than I was getting, and it made me angry. I now realize that if I am not a generous giver, our relationship stagnates. If I am a giver, the relationship blossoms and I am generously rewarded – not necessarily immediately or in the same way as I gave. So in order to do the “until death do us part” thing, I need to be the giver and over time, things we be good.
I need to stop trying to fix her. This has been behind a lot of our problems all along. I have this idea of what kind of a woman she should be and what she should do and when she should to it. I need to remind myself that she is quite happy with the woman she is, and she is quite aware of the resources available should she seek to change, thank you very much. I need to love her for who she is, which is pretty good.
This past month, our relationship has been wonderful, despite the craziness of the holidays. I’ve not been able to pass the two week mark without a peak orgasm, but we make love almost every night (or morning), no porn relapses, no solo masturbation, lots of generous bonding, no emotional rollercoaster.
I have learned so much in the last six months and have made so many behavioral and attitude changes. But the one that is most fundamental and life changing for me has been to make love without the goal of orgasm.
Blessings to all in the new year.