weekly masturbation

Submitted by TearJerker on
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Hello, I had porn addiction for approximately 15 years but quit about 1 year ago after reading this site.

I did not find porn was that difficult to give up but masturbation was another matter (although my frequency decreased from about 2x per day to 2-4x per month).

Last October I was able to abstain for about three months but it ended in a gay encounter which I feel very guilty about now (I am not gay, before or since). Also I became very obsessed with sex and preoccupied with my penis during those months to the point that it was seriously interfering with my work life.

Since then I have been masturbate around ~1x per week and no more gay encounters or any desire to do so (since the tension is released before it builds up so much).

Anyway I wonder if anyone has experienced this or found a better way to deal with hyperactive sex drive. Also I am 34 so my sex drive is still big, but not huge like when I was 18.

Thanks.

How did you decide upon once

How did you decide upon once per week? Did you consider a longer interval or waiting until you felt some other measurable need? Did you think about abstaining longer again and not linking abstinence to your encounter however hard that might be to do.

I have not found regular masturbation to be helpful. Yes, it is very hard to stop as you found. However, I'm in a much better state to deal with everything else in my life when it happens. I don't need to wait out rebalancing post-orgasm and I have eliminated that easy out of MO.

I'm still trying to figure out a long-term strategy. A partner seems to be the direction and I'm willing to wait. I've been doing that anyway and it is no more or less pleasant with or without PMO. If anything, PMO just delayed the process.

Thanks for your feedback

First, congratulations on your recovery.

Second, there seem to be two phases to "rebooting." The first is getting the brain back to normal sensitivity. The second is finding balance.

People often find that consistently avoiding intense stimulation that is associated with Internet porn (usually masturbation is Smile ) during the first phase is easier than trying to move directly toward moderation. Those who try the latter sometimes get very discouraged because each masturbation kicks in the binge trigger and they're off.

But obviously, once you're back in balance, you have to experiment to find what works for you. It sounds like you have.

This site is about the balancing synergy between lovers possible with a practice like karezza. Everything we share about overcoming porn addiction and finding balance we're learning from you guys. So feedback like this is really helpful.

Have you noticed any improvement in your socializing with potential mates...aside from that lucky guy? Wink

Hello! thank you for

Hello! thank you for reply.

Freedom I noticed one or two weeks is about how long it takes for sexual cycle to reach peak after orgasm. For example:

  1. physical: hand randomly resting between legs, "pressure" in groin, involuntary thrusting movements during sleep, constant (distracting) awareness of penis, etc.
  2. mental: thinking about sex at work, concentration problems, "sexual obsession," etc
  3. behavior: going out clubbing, always looking at women and men (distracted), sleep less, more restless at night

Maybe different for you. I agree longer than one week is possible with willpower. Or maybe forever.

But as a practical matter I'm not sure it is wise to put myself in a state where I am so "frustrated" that it becomes hard to resist sex in the moment because I cannot think rationally about the risks (STDs, etc). Like right now I would not do any gay sex (no way in hell) but my last orgasm a few days ago and I'm sitting in front of my computer by myself. It is easy to say no in this situation! Wink Seems gross even.

But if I abstain for three months again! Then it might be hard to resist.

Of course I also agree with you it is good to avoid orgasms. FOR example I am not assertive at work in the day or two after orgasm and it sucks. Also usually the day after an orgasm I sleep almost 12 hours and feel very lazy, so has to be a saturday or sunday for best results.

Marnia is right, it is hard to find this "balance": best strategy for overall health of body and mind (and avoid reckless behavior in the future).

And yes, I am a lot more social than when using porn!

I've noticed a lot of those

I've noticed a lot of those same things. I've found over time and various intervals of trying that much of those things are themselves meaningless and in the mind. It's not even a willpower issue. Willpower is needed to overcome a real thing such as pain. Much of what is going on is in our head and once we recognize that willpower is not really needed beyond slowing down the old programing so we have time to interrupt it.

To me, all these things are instructive cues to windows into my own mind. I don't need to act on them, but I do need to note them and see what patterns mean. I'm getting in more mini-cycles by water fasting. The similarities are amazing...awareness lapses that can lead to slipping, sometimes just having more hungry feelings, cravings for say a candy I have in my pocket or free food at an event. Starting to eat on more than one day fasts is the worst of it...perhaps analogous to post-orgasm. It is a strain on the body and puts me out of whack. As I cycle and push through I gain awareness and these gains carry over into the non-fasting times. PMO abstinence seems the same...it's never easy, but it is often very interesting. I have the benefit or burden of not being sexually active so acting out isn't too likely. I'm not that distracted in the porn seeking sense. I've sort of transitioned to a karezza mindset. That is distracting in other ways, but very different and seemingly much less destructive. I'm aware that I'm missing some data by just abstaining versus cycling. I won't be able to do this forever. Orgasm free isn't the goal. As this goes on orgasm becomes a more distant memory that I'm very aware I can recapture in short order. For now, I march on...

How quickly did you ramp up to three months? Maybe you went too fast without allowing time to learn to handle all those things you noted.

Yes. I think I went from two

Yes. I think I went from two weeks to three months. so maybe it is worth an experiment to gradually ramp up to several months. Good point

I guess I don't like feeling out of control of myself... not a good feeling

Thank you for reply. My

Thank you for reply.

My experience was, felt good, in control 99.5% of the time (no urge to use porn for example) but felt out of control in certain times. Example one day I went on to craigslist to browse personal ads (normal woman for relationship) and noticed there is a section where men meet each other for "no strings attached" sex. It was very exciting. I thought in 20 minutes I could be having sex with someone! And I almost did!

But see, I am not gay! I do not normally think this way. So I feel like the fact I found this exciting was due to my brain looking for some kind of potential sexual outlet, ANY OUTLET, ASAP

Since there is no masturbation allowed it can only look for a novel outlet. Like sex of some kind. But it is just a guess. I don't know

With weekly masturbation like I have been trying I feel more incontrol and more like myself but the negative aspects of orgasm (somewhat less social, less dominant, tired, etc) are there also.

To be clear, still a huge difference in behavior from when i was using porn daily.

I think I might try a long-term abstinence again because to be honest it is a little bit fun and thrilling to become sex crazy, but I am still not convinced it is a healthy or safe way to live the long term. Like Marnia said, good to find balance in all things.

Of course appreciate any other thoughts from anyone else who has tried this approach!

It can get intense at times

It can get intense at times without the meds or outlet options. Learning to deal with that seems important. One way to do so appears to be through extended abstinence. Yes, we need a long-term plan, but what is long-term? We've all used our outlets enough for a lifetime. I suppose anything stable is ideal. If one is able to abstain longer and stay stable, I don't see the harm. If you try again, try to direct that energy toward the real women you want. Have you tried working on your underlying thinking? While of course you could be having sex in 20 minutes, that seems impulsive and not how you project you want to be. Maybe you've got a handle on basic abstinence and need to pay closer attention to urges to wander into the gay world. If you can tell when you start to feel out of control, you might be able to regulate that. For example, don't browse CL when you feel that way. You can use an RSS feeder to pull CL ads to avoid being tempted to look at anything else on there.

Yes. I will try not to look

Yes. I will try not to look at the craigslist ads, so I do not get tempted. I am pretty confident in avoiding masturbation but I may have another slip back into the gay world as you say. So will have to be careful during any extended abstinence in the future.

Of course I will report back, if I try this experiment in the future :D

We think there's

a two-week neurochemical cycle after orgasm, although the evidence is scant because no research had been done on this...except on animals. A two-week cycle shows up in rats, both male and female, in subtle ways. And anecdotally in some humans.

I don't know if this cycle has any bearing on finding a good masturbation schedule. But the beauty of the question is that you can experiment with different intervals and decide what's best for you. Smile

One thing I noticed is that

One thing I noticed is that it is not the same after full depletion.

For example, one masturbation after two weeks--you are not depleted as much the next day as one masturbation every day for a week. Or using porn for a week

Maybe it is two weeks to get back to "normal" (ha, ha) in both or maybe with porn is taking longer than two weeks.

Today I read: Sun Ssu-miao,

Today I read:

Sun Ssu-miao, one of the leading physicians of ancient China, recommended that men attain good health and longevity by ejaculating twice a month, as long as they ate healthily and exercised. He also offered the following more specific guidelines.

A man at twenty can ejaculate once every four days.
A man at thirty can ejaculate once every eight days.
A man at forty can ejaculate once every ten days.
A man at fifty can ejaculate once every twenty days.
A man at sixty should no longer ejaculate.

It is from a book called The Multi-Orgasmic Man.

Later it said what Marnia said above, that you should experiment to find the best for you

Actually, the Daoists

were all over the lot when it came to coming. Smile Depends on which period of history you read the manuals from. That's why "experiment to find what's best for you" is the right advice. For a dry, but interesting look from an historical perspective see The Art of the Bedchamber. http://www.reuniting.info/wisdom/taoism_chinese_sexology_wile

Also, during a reboot, abstinence seems to work best for most, so they avoid the post-O neurochemical roller coaster ride and start the rewiring process..