Day 5 and still going

Submitted by Selfdiscovery222 on
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I posted earlier, when I was on day 2, but it got erased or something. I want to post because I need to be able to tell someone about what I am going through and my friends would not understand as they think it is absolutely normal to watch P everyday and M. I am currently on day number 5 of no P/M/O. I have not gone this long without M/O in over a decade! I honestly didn't know I was capable of it.

Thank God for this website because it gave me the knowledge of the damage I was doing. So thank you all for your posts, I read them constantly and they are a source of encouragement and inspiration. Knowing that I am not alone is very comforting.

I knew something wasn't right, having issues of ED at 26, and I thought it could be linked to Porn so I half-assed tried to stop watching the content. Watching the video series from yourbrainonporn.com, gave me the exact knowledge of what was going on in my brain, and it was the catalyst to not only stop porn, but also stop M. Stopping M was never a thought that crossed my mind.

I knew I had to reboot I am not saying I don't have a P problem or that it is not effected me negatively (because it certainly has) but knowing how much damage it has done to me, I am not worried about ever watching Porn again. However, I am scared of trying to go without M/O. Like I said, I am on day 5 and it has been the longest I have gone in over a decade.

The first few days without M/O were not to bad. To be honest it was kind of like that Seinfeld episode where George gave up sex and became a genius. Not that I am any smarter but I feel like I constantly being chased, and the thing that is chasing me is the desire to M. So to outrun it, I have buried myself in books, and exercise. It is not that I necessarily have more energy, it is more that if I slow down, I worry the temptation to M will catch me. I already read The Brain that Changes Itself, and it was fascinating.

Yesterday, I saw a bartender that drove me crazy. I was simultaneously excited that a normal girl, that I just saw, could turn me on and annoyed that I had such strong desires. Day 3, it felt like I was completely dead down there. So this non-linear recovery is certainly true.

Again, to reference another Seinfeld episode, the most difficult part has been not being able to get to sleep, as the gang found out when they had "the competition".

I don't think this post is actually adding any new information for anyone, but I feel like it is good for me to express myself publicly, helps me with the accountability. I am also keeping a private journal, that I write in day to day before I go to sleep. I do it before I go to sleep because that is when I normally looked at Porn and M. If I write in my journal that I succeeded for the day, it mentally enforces me not to M.

Again, I can't thank this site enough for existing. I never thought I would have an addiction. I thought I was just a normal guy. However, judging by my symptoms, I am certainly struggling with something big and I plan on beating it.

I relate to a lot of the

I relate to a lot of the things you say: thinking it was impossible to go without M (I'm now on day 10 and starting to think this can be done!), getting really strong sexual reactions in the first few days which pleased me and then going dead sometimes too, and only just acknowledging that anything was amiss with my behavior in jacking off every day to porn. I don't mean amiss in any kind of moral sense (I'm not religious and I don't attach any moral values to M and P at all) but I mean that I don't think it maximizes happiness to expend so much of my sexual energy into M. In my mind now I am focused on creating a life in which my only sexual experiences are with other, real people rather than with pixels.

Welcome, and best of luck! Stick at it! I've had a tough few days - after the initial turmoil, the blues - but I think I might be through it now. I'm feeling pretty cheery today and more balanced Smile I'm also inspired by those that have stuck at it, and have regained their sensitivity to the charms of real women...

Well done

Well done on getting this far mate, i've just started my blog too, i'm not sure i'd be adding anything of true value either but i can tell you that others are reading your blogs.

Much like yourself i will continue writing my blog for accountability purposes. I'm quite a target driven person so if i can target an end of day blog, i'm sure it will help me in trying to ensure i have a positive update to give. Hopefully after the first 2 or 3 weeks it will be easier, but while i think i'm at my weakest i'm going to aim for a daily update if i can.

Thanks for the words of encouragement

Honestly the reason I post here are for words of encouragement like the ones you just posted. There is something absolutely grounding about knowing you are not alone. I will keep posting as I continue on this journey. Thanks again!

Hi Selfdiscovery

My apologies about the late reply, this post ended up getting moved to page two of the 'recent posts' list before i had a chance to read it.

My blog is http://www.reuniting.info/blog/5487

Feel free to read/comment, I'll keep an eye out for you too as i think i am on the same days as you too so it would be interesting to see how we get on and if we can keep each other of the 'bad path'.

Vis
PS I hope your abstinence is still going on well, if not (i only say as i haven't seen a recent post from your goodself), don't worry about it, just try again, eventually we will succeed.

Guys, we are all in the same

Guys, we are all in the same boat - recent joiners with similar issues.
Self-discovery: don't worry about the orgasm. Use-it-or-lose it is propaganda. If you need to use it so badly, you will ejaculate in your sleep. It happened to me on day 24. Masturbation is not a prerequisite for erections, but erections are a prerequisite for sex. If you don't feel hard, don't masturbate to check if it works. This screws up erections. The penis works. How can it work one day and not work the next day?! If you didn't somehow physically injure yourself, that would be preposterous. Pay attention to the brain, this is where sex happens. The penis is just a tool that you must trust will work.
Stay strong and don't give up!

wise words Piper

i know in the past i have sometimes played a little just to see if there has been progress and if things work better, but i need to trust it will, i'm sure when it does work i wont need to play and i'll just struggle keeping it down when i'm around a hot girl or think of one in that way, that's my hope at least. It's strange that the same fantasies keep coming back every now, but in a more 'loving' way, part of me thinks this is progress, another part of me now thinks that perhaps it's a trick by the brain to co-ax me back in to masturbating. There was a funny Richard Prior sketch in one of his older standups where he said the same thing about a joint (i think) when it speaks to him "come, i'll be your friend" or something like that Smile

I'm going to try and re-inforce into my brain that these fantasies no matter how much more 'normal' they appear are still just a dastardly attempt to put me back into captivity, at least for now i think that's the best approach.

Did you mention

whether you read The Brain That Changes Itself? (Excerpts here: http://yourbrainonporn.com/doidge-on-pornography-and-neuroplasticity)

Part of recovery is rewiring your brain. Using porn-related fantasy keeps the old circuits activated. This could slow your progress in wiring your tastes to real potential partners. Also, fantasy, in general, can make your itch worse. http://yourbrainonporn.com/sexual-fantasy-the-more-you-scratch-the-more-... "Sexual Fantasy: The More You Scratch the More You Itch"