Realization of an anxiety-inducing fear. Anyone else?

Submitted by checkitout on
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I just had a realization and wanted to share it here.

I've gone 6 weeks without p/m/o.. and just a little while ago I looked at some soft porn for about 30 seconds. Didn't touch myself or anything, just looked. And afterwards I realized a lot of what I'm so scared of and what's causing a lot of the anxieties I'm having. So for this I'm actually a little happy that I looked at porn for that brief moment.

Ive masturbated successfully with porn countless times. Countless. As most of us here have. But everytime I've had the opportunity to do more than kiss a girl, my junk didn't work. (I remember just making out with the two girlfriends I've had and everything was good to go back in high school. But that was before I started viewing more intense/frequent porn.)

So now that I'm living without masturbation and porn. My brain knows the only alternative is the real deal. Real women. BUT the only experiences I have doing this are awful/awkward and I had failed to get or stay hard, thanks to porn. During the past few weeks I've had some weird anxieties, mostly a fear of being scared that I'm not attracted to women. I KNOW I'm attracted to women, I'm reminded everytime I see one. But that fear would just linger and pop up for whatever reason. And it wouldn't go away. It would really freak me out sometimes. But it just hit me that what I'm really afraid of is simply that I won't be able to get hard when the time comes, because I haven't in the past. But that's why I STARTED this whole journey. I really won't know until I'm actually there, in the moment, with a real woman. And I'm pretty damn sure it'll work. I'm just afraid it won't. And that fear can be paralyzing.

I think identifying this fear will help greatly in being able to prevent the anxietiy that it would cause.
Hopefully that can cause a click if anyone else is struggling with anything similar.

Has anyone else had this kind of situation, and then found everything worked fine once the moment of truth came along?

so dude

you went for 6 weeks without porn and masturbation? Did you get any social benefits or reduced social anxiety because I am going to do 6 weeks and I need to know this because this is the reason why i'm quitting porn is for the social benefits so i can stop living in my room and go out and make friends and get a girlfriend

Yup ive had all of that. But

Yup ive had all of that. But you say youve been living in your room.. quitting porn is not the magic pill to your social problems. But it will help. Not having porn will likely give you the push you need to get out.

Good luck

thank you for replying to me

thank you for replying. Listen I go to school every single day, so Im not completely isolated but on the weekends I do stay home way too much. I am not a weird freak, I do think I have the ability to be with people. i am pretty good actually, its just that I need the horrible feelings of fear that I get around people to go away so that I can grow close relationships. Because when you are full of fear around someone you are gonna project your fear on them and then they wont wanna be around you

that's REALLY good that

that's REALLY good that youre in school. I took this semester off and just happened to start my pornless journey during this time too. I really wish I was in school now so I could be around more people and see more of the results in action. I crave it SO bad. I was always pretty social while in school. I only imagine it'd be tons better now. I'm going back next semester and cant wait.

I agree that you project what you feel onto other people. And getting away from porn will give you a nice clean feeling about yourself. No guilt for yourself = no guilt being put onto others.

here's the thing

I do socialize but I am not so enthusiastic about it because it's so miserable feeling the horrible anxiety and whenever I do socialize I am talking to the person and fighting the horrible feeling off at the same time. Sometimes it's just like come on leave me alone for once, can't I just enjoy the dam conversation without being attacked by these feelings of fear. You know what I mean? If I wasn't tormented by this garbage feelings of fear I would talk to people, but when i talk to people im plagued, thats why I want this crap to go away. I hope to God that I do the 6 weeks and this crap goes away

If I were you,

I'd find a way to get out and meet some women instead of spending another moment worrying about this issue. Nothing anyone here can say will truly ease your anxiety, but biology is a powerful force. Wink Give it a chance to operate and I think you'll be very pleased with the results.

Just don't rush to have sex. Really get to know your partner. Focus on making her feel good about herself and she'll return the favor.

*big hug*

I can understand your concerns

In fact it's something that concerns me too, i think the last line in Marnia's post is the most important. If you did what i did on my first attempt ever, i.e redlight district, straight in pants down and get no reaction then it will only affect you negatively, its far better to get relaxed have a massage etc, tell her you dont want to have sex and just get comfortable/confident around having an erection in her presence.

At present i don't have a girl friend, and i guess many of us are in that boat due to our circumstances and unhealthy previous behaviour, but at the same time we want to know this works and get back in the saddle ASAP rather than having to wait what may be a considerable amount of time for it to happen 'naturally'. Should this remain the case in x amount of months when i feel i am ready, i will take the same approach as outlined above even if that means with an escort. I appreciate that sounds like a waste of money, but if i visit the same girl then i know that it will be worth it on visit 3 or 4 or whatever.

Finally, based on guidance from my Urologist when i discussed this with him a good few years ago now, he prescribed Viagra. Note he was 100% convinced there was nothing physically wrong with me in the 'usual' term, it was prescribed as a confidence booster and apparentely on some occasions (reasons remain unknown to him) the Viagra just helps something 'click back in'. Note though he was not willing to support long term use as that would have the opposite effect, but may be for the first time only with a girl it may give that confidence factor for the second time without it. At least these are my thoughts, others are free to disagree.

Anxiety like that is awful,

Anxiety like that is awful, I've experienced it pretty strongly too.
Its quite possible this is just a brain worm lingering, as a sort of final push to try and make you view porn and "prove" you're attracted to women. Don't make the same mistake I did and fall for it!

Marnia's advice, as ever, is fantastic.
Due to the fact that your past sexual experiences haven't been that great, it is really important you get comfortable with a girl before you have sex, don't rush things and just let nature take its course.

Hey UK20

Why don't you also link them to your Boxing Day account? That way they can get inspired by your progress when you skipped the porn. Wink

20UK, I like the idea that

20UK, I like the idea that it's a brain worm trying a last ditch effort. That's what it feels like. A couple of times in the past 2 days Ive been so uncomfortable that I thought to myself "I'd rather just have porn and know I'm into women than continue feeling like this." Luckily I haven't caved! Back when I started this 6 weeks, I was completely ready to face all the "demons" that were in store. I knew it'd get tough. Now here they are. It really is a battle. I'll keep my final goal in mind.

Marnia, yes, as always, good advice. I forget that a woman doesn't need/expect sex right from the get go. Slow is ok. Slow is good.

I contacted the fraternity I was in last year and told them that I'd be coming back to school next semester. So I'll probably start hanging out with them again, along with a lot of sorority girls too. I can't wait to be around some ladies! O_O lol

Thanks for the advice guys. You've no idea how much it helps.