Why do honeymoon periods vary?

Submitted by Someone on
Printer-friendly version

You know some relationships go sour immediately after first intercourse, some after a year of marriage (and prior to marrying they must have been going at it like rabbits for a year or two.) What would cause the variation? I would think it was being in love/knowing each other well enough, but not sure.


Good question and good answer.

However, I'd say the difference is due to the ability of the partners to avoid projecting their lows onto each other directly. In other words, they blame any troubles on something ELSE in their lives, and continue to see their partner as adorable.

When your dopamine drops after orgasm, it can affect you different ways, and it can get projected different places. Ususally, your subconscious decides, sooner or later, that your partner is the source of the problem...and that's when the emotional alienation starts. How quickly this happens may be, for some people, a function of how scary their PAST relationship was, or how scary their parents' relationship was. In my personal experience it may not have much to do with how well they know each other, although I think that if they have a deep trust before conventional sex begins, it slows down the tendency to think each other is The Problem.

The main point is that the sense of lack/scarcity/neediness/irritation CAN, of course, go anywhere in our lives. Some couples experience financial trouble instead, or have problems with their kids, or horrible bosses, or illnesses, or fear of God. We don't think of those things as being within our control, but according to every metaphysical teaching on the planet, our inner state is manifesting as our external reality.

Marriage often triggers mutual projections (whereas before marriage, as you say, rabbit sex seems to produce little problem). My theory is that this deterioration happens because the partners now feel "trapped" in addition to uneasy. It's one thing to have periods of subconscious uneasiness while you're still courting. But when they come up once you're glued together (and you don't understand what's causing them), it's even more anxiety-producing.