First blog entry: Day 43

Submitted by piper on
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Hallo, after I joined this community and posted my long story yesterday, I'm starting a blog. I won't write much today as I already wrote quite a bit yesterday. And while my fingers are generally freer than in the past, typing all that much would constitute another over-indulgence - something I'd like to not invite. Smile

I'm mostly writing to connect with people and to start a place where I can put my thoughts on this embarrassing subject, one that needs to be addressed for the sake of men, women, and couples of whatever sexual orientation.

OK, it has been 43 days of no pornography and no masturbation. Here is where and how I am:

Let's start with the mandatory promise to self: I will never watch pornography ever again. Pornography is nonsense - for way too many reasons. Unfortunately, we, selfish mammals, realize this only after we realize it has hit and harmed us. Watching it made me more isolated in the past. It also provided a fake and misleading feeling of sexual satisfaction. This would translate into many missed sexual opportunities that are real as well as into failures when the opportunities present themselves. Let's all stop it forever and not feed pharmaceuticals cashing in on people's manufactured problems, not feed the nonsensical culture of human isolation and immediate gratification further, and not feed our minds with garbage. Life is here, it is real, and it is to be enjoyed.
I won't masturbate at least until I have sex with a woman.
No touching of the member whatsoever except for the purposes of hygiene under the shower and of using the restroom. In the past I often masturbated without being erect prior to masturbation and without particularly feeling like relieving myself. Today I find such behavior compulsive and disturbing. Artificially creating desires that need to be satisfied: I have always been against such practices in society. And I did it to myself - what a shameless hypocrite.
Generally, weak libido and weak desire. But not always - sometimes the libido comes and I feel slightly fidgety. No touching though. I enjoy the feeling greatly as it makes me feel alive in a way I want to be.
1 wet dream - the first in years - on day 24. Well, night 24... During the wet dream and the subsequent ejaculation I don't think I had an absolutely full erection. As I was ejaculating I woke up - the erection was unconvincing.
Erections in the mornings sometimes but not always. Sometimes the erections are harder than other times. I had a huge and lasting erection yesterday morning. Lesser one today. As I fully wake up, however, the erections disappear.
No social problems meeting women and talking to them. I don't have these. The problems start when things get to intimacy.
I take several supplements: fish oil, men's multivitamins, amino acids, 5-htp, gaba, ginkgo biloba, and zink. I don't' overdo them, of course: each once a day, the multivitamins, the fish oil, and the amino acids - 3 times a day: not exceeding what's prescribed on the bottles.
I drink alcohol occasionally but not excessively. Other weak substances (that are already legalized in parts of the world) are rarely used but not excessively.
I quit smoking several months ago. I completely quit it at once. The way I quit pornography. I think it is a matter of will and I think we can all do this at least for the sake of people that want to be with us, that want to be given a chance to love us and make love with us.
I am in good physical shape.
I am ready and willing to wait as long as this process of normalization takes. My immediate goal is to recover my sexual health and to be able to connect sexually - and then emotionally - with a woman I really like, a woman that has demonstrated sexual interest in me. There are several women that would sleep with me but this particular one is the only one I am truly interested in. Using a rubber is a prerequisite with all of them.
Rubber is a department in which I have failed every time, multiple times. So, another goal is to get to use one successfully and reliably. This, I think, is one of the great inventions man has come up with. And the fact I can't use one angers and frustrates me enormously. It is not only destroying my sex life, but it is also hindering my ability to emotionally connect with women that want to sleep with me.

Enough for now. I follow people's posts and progress and will write again soon.
Thanks, Marnia, for enabling me to blog! Good luck, everyone!

Comments

Great sense of humor, Piper

Thanks for starting your blog.

I'd just say that while willpower certainly plays a role in recovery, it helps for most people to be aware that they are dealing with brain changes that take time to reverse themselves. In other words, the fact that someone relapses doesn't necessarily mean he lacks willpower. He may just need a few runs at the fence.

Willpower is most useful, however, in taming one's computer and consciously removing cues from one's life. (Porn blockers, not doing searches that trigger, avoiding YOUTube if it's a problem...whatever). Those actions clearly are choices. But sometimes a relapse itself, brought on by a random cue, is almost like a wet dream as people describe the experience. At least at first.

I just throw this out there because I don't want people beating up on themselves if they find their autopilot takes over sometimes at first. Our brains evolved to take loud neurochemical signals from the limbic brain very seriously...without thinking. It was key to our ancestors' survival. And an addict's brain often can't "hear" the rational brain signals very well, even though the limbic signals are exaggerated.

Thanks for letting me sound off on your blog. Wink

Willpower is great for

Willpower is great for changing course, especially if you can figure out how to use it to help you. Funny things start happening when the autopilot gets recalibrated. I've not broken all bad habits, but my autopilot is nagging me about many things with its darn blinking light on my mental dashboard.

Yes - in no way did I mean

Yes - in no way did I mean to imply that people who relapse are weak-willied or anything like that. If a relapse happens, then one can just stand up, dust oneself off, and continue forward without feeling terrible. This has got to be a long process of slow and gradual transformation, so short-term hindrances shouldn't destroy one's determination for change. And I also believe that a relapse doesn't necessarily bring one to day zero. I personally have chosen a cold turkey way because I hope this to be the fastest and therefore the least emotionally burdensome approach. Pay a higher price now rather than pay lower prices multiple times kind of thing. But the price hasn't really been high at this point: I don't really miss any of the old ways. Perhaps what explains the ease is that I am just not horny enough. In which case, I can't even talk about strength of will. Strong will would be when I really want to do something and manage to stop myself from doing it. Perhaps so far, this has not been a question of strong will but of weak desire... So no bragging here: I don't even know if I actually have the will or if I am just lacking the desire.

Another way of thinking about it is that in the past I didn't really need to masturbate, yet I did it. In this case, since I no longer do it now, maybe there is will... But I'd rather call that reason.

Also, who knows if cold turkey is the most effective approach... Hopefully, our experiences would point us in the right direction. And most likely, there is not one easy prescription for everyone as different brains probably function slightly differently. Who knows... So, whoever reads my blog: my approach is not an endorsement for this or that method of recovery. It's simply an experiment - hopefully, a successful one. And I am hopeful that different experiments can be equally successful.

Marnia, please feel free to write whenever - I really like your comments.