hi all - i've posted this on another site as well, so apologies if it's a repeat for some, like me, who read everything they can on this!
I'm 34 and have been mb to porn for a long time – prob regularly since I was in my early 20's. But with or without porn, I was really a chronic masturbator from an early age . During my 20's I had a great sex life, and pretty much only got ED if I was way drunk or the occasional nervous bout but those generally passed. And the excessive mb never got in the way of my sex life.
For almost the past 3 years, my porn use has picked up and my relationships have just gone downhill. I've never had any problems with confidence in the bedroom, and was totally comfortable with my body/size/all of that. Although I suppose if I think about it and am really honest with myself, the ED problems have been going on for much longer than that, and there is now no doubt in my mind that it was porn/mb induced. I guess the problems never really got to me b/c I was young and fit, and always able to recover shortly – or I could just make an excuse b/c it really didn't happen too often. Anyways, back to the relationship thing. My long time gf and I ended about 3 years ago, and I began getting really into porn and mb right after that (I watched a fair amount of porn during my relationship, but it never got in the way. It really was great, and made me very horny – although sadly I now realize that it also caused so many awful side effects...poor moods, always tired, never focused, etc.- for years! - but that's another story/post).
After a few months of a ton of porn, mb, and heavy drinking/just not taking care of myself and being a mess, I amazingly got into a relationship with a really hot girl who I was after for about 10 years! How that happened I don't know, but I felt pretty lucky to say the least. Now fast forward to the bedroom – on goes the condom and down goes the erection. Actually it began to go down as I was trying to put it on, and I barely got it on and it slipped off shortly after anyway while we were in missionary position. That was the first time having sex with her so I thought maybe some of it was nervousness (although I think deep down I knew it wasn't, and it just kept getting worse). The sex only lasted less than a few minutes before that happened.
However, without a condom and when she was on top I seemed to be fine. But nothing else worked – at all! Any little shift or distraction and it was all over down there. And there was a definite pattern of her and I fooling around, me getting completely hard, but as soon as she paid any attention down there or a little time passed, I would start to go limp. As you can imagine, this was doing wonders for my self-esteem. So her and I split after not too long, and a few months later I began another relationship. But now the porn and mb had been going on for even longer. And of course I found no harm at all in this, b/c I was either in denial or too stupid to make the connection.
With this next one, I could at first stay a bit hard when she was on top or giving me a **, but that quickly started to fade. I felt that if I just relaxed and let things take their course, all would be ok – but not so. I began to feel like I had an erection but when I looked down it was half at best. Missionary position was out of the question...I could still orgasm from a **, but it was starting to take a ton of work and my girl was getting really unhappy and feeling inadequate, and I cannot blame her one bit. Heck, I'm grateful and surprised that she stayed with me as long as she did. So, of course, that relationship ended and I've now been single for about a year.
During this year is when I started to make this porn and mb and ED connection and sought help for it – well, for the ED at least until I began to find posts on it's relation to porn. I went to a urologist and he just told me that there was nothing wrong with me or taking Viagra and sent me be on my way...I knew there was way way way more to it than that but just kind of skulked out of there not knowing what to say. He wasn't budging on his diagnosis – or lack thereof. But I do know that it is not a physical problem b/c I am still able to get erect in other ways.
So as of today I'm p and mb free since Jan 10 (50ish days or so). As I mentioned above, the mb and porn definitely screwed me up in terms of concentration, fatigue, etc. Those things are seriously improving. However, I've noticed a ton of ups and downs – almost manic highs and depressing lows, but the general trend is up and I'm extremely thankful for this. But I've noticed very little down there. A week or so ago, I began to get morning erections a few times, but only once was it really full and not for very long at all. My physical health is very good. I eat well, exercise regularly, and haven't drank or smoked in over a year. I've been with only 1 girl in the past year and things were of course less than remarkable. We had sex I was able to get erect enough to penetrate missionary and finish. But if there was any movement or if I had to pull out I know it would have stopped working – and that's not a confidence thing, it was barely half way to begin with! I will say that this girl was just a test for me though. It's sad to say, but I was not attracted to her at all, not a single bit. In fact, I found her rather disagreeable for my tastes, and definitely a 1 on my own personal 1-10 scale, so that prob had a little to do with it. Desperate times call for desperate measures!
Even though I've read all about resetting the brain and it does make perfect sense to me, at this point, I just feel very strange and pretty down – I just feel like I'm screwed – maybe I am, who knows. I'm incredibly attracted (in my mind) to every hot girl I see. Hell, I can't even watch the news without having to constantly change the channels b/c the hot newswomen give me wicked sexual thoughts almost instantly. But, I have no physical reaction down there, just a strong tingling feeling (which is great when it's accompanied by an erection!). I cannot remember the last time I had a daytime spontaneous erection – or any erection for that matter which didn't require a lot of help to get up and stay that way. Everything just seems pretty dead. I've read just about every post on this out there that I was able to come across. There's been some mention of a “grey area,” where supposedly feeling this way is normal for a period of time when you're resetting your brain. I'm just fairly worried b/c of how long it's been. I mean 50 days and so little to report – that's pretty depressing. Most of what I read from people's accounts is that they are all good to go after a month or so. Or at least they have a ton more progress to report than my current sad state of affairs. Is anyone familiar with this “no mans land” in-between type feeling, and how long it's supposed to last – or is it just me experiencing this for so long?
Sorry for the long post. I never post anything anywhere, so I figured that I should be as complete as I could to make it count and hopefully find some people in the same boat to talk with. I have noticed that a lot of people don't fully relate their recovery stories, and that there are requests for someone to provide a full, complete account of their recovery from A-Z. Unless I missed it, I haven't really seen too much in the way of “this is exactly what happened, and this is exactly how I fixed it.” I promise that if I ever rid myself of this awful thing, I will post the most detailed account I can to hopefully help others overcome the same thing. I'm not worried about going back to porn or mb in the slightest. Yes, I get a ton of crazy strong urges almost 24/7 – but I know how to fight the fight and if it is physically/psychologically possible for me to beat this, I most certainly will. Too much on the line to fail with this one guys! In the meantime, I would appreciate any feedback. Again, I'm sorry for the long post – and grateful for this forum/thread!
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